What's wrong with me? I can't help thinking about jumping out of the window and throwing the baby out of the window. Whenever these thoughts flash across, I get nervous. I'm not interested in anything, and I'm getting upset. My chest hurts like Wan Jian's heart, and my body is numb. I'm afraid I can't help but pick up the baby. I held the child tightly in my arms. I hope these thoughts will disappear soon, but there is nothing I can do. The more I suppress this idea, the more I don't want to see the window, as if the window would fall when I lift my foot in front of my eyes, and I don't want to see the fruit knife on the table. I know there is something wrong with my health In the face of my husband who has been holding a mobile phone, I only have children's mother-in-law and parents-in-law, elderly grandparents, indecisive father, and mother who can't stand the storm. How can I tell my family? I don't know who to tell! There is a wall in my heart that makes me higher and higher, thus isolating me from the world and making everything unreal. The more you don't say, the more wronged you are. The more wronged you are, the less you say.
Because the baby has diarrhea, the mother-in-law took the baby's stool to the hospital for testing. Only the baby and I are at home. Soon after I left, I began to fidget. I carried the baby out of the bedroom and sat on the sofa. Suddenly I heard someone open the door, so my mother-in-law couldn't come back so soon after she left. I began to think about whether bad people would break into my door or thieves would steal from my house. I felt numb and began to retch unconsciously. I tried to suppress those thoughts, but I didn't dare to think about them, only to find that the more I suppressed, the stronger I became, and I was scared by myself. Because my family lives on the ninth floor, I want to go downstairs with my child in my arms. I can't do anything downstairs, but I can't. The child is too young, and it is already cold outside. I put the child on the bed, I ran out, I stayed in the toilet, I think I would rather die than hurt my child. I began to cry for help crazily. I called my most trusted grandmother and asked her to come quickly. I called my husband who taught in the countryside to comfort me and talk to me. At this time, the child cried. I want to hug the baby, but I dare not. My husband comforted me and said that it doesn't matter if I cry. My husband said he had to hang up. I had to hold the child in my arms and come to the door silently. Grandma will come soon. If it doesn't work, I'll go downstairs. I opened the door for grandma with trembling hands. I dare not tell grandma the truth. I'm just saying I'm in a hurry. I want to go out.
I think this is the end of it, but in other ways it is a sign of a nightmare.
I was awakened by a nightmare and someone was following me. In the dark, I woke up and looked at my sleeping husband and lovely children. I dare not fall asleep. I am afraid that I will leave my poor child when I can't sleep. I'm afraid that the person in my dream will really kill me. I'm also afraid that no one will stop me when I hurt my child.
Early in the morning, I sat and fell asleep with my child in my arms. My mother-in-law has been playing with her mobile phone outside, and sometimes she makes a loud phone call. The child was awakened again and again, so I could only hold her tightly and let her sleep soundly. Children can't sleep well at noon and cry every ten minutes. Although I am extremely sleepy, I still have to coax the child, and I will sleep when the child falls asleep. I don't know how many times I picked it up and put it down, and I don't know if my mother-in-law didn't hear it because the child cried too little, or she fell asleep and didn't know that the child was crying. Although I am breastfeeding, my heart is crawling on it like an ant. Every time I think that the child is crying, there is nothing I can do. That feeling is really like a knife. I frantically sent messages to my husband accusing my mother-in-law of evil deeds, in exchange for silence and understanding. I hate marrying such a man, and I hate marriage arranged by my parents. I want to breast-feed the baby at night. I can't sleep well. I can't sleep until the baby sleeps during the day. I can't rest well. What's even more ridiculous is that it's been more than ten days since I gave birth to my baby, and I still have seven or eight meals of millet porridge a day. I really want to eat a piece of meat and a bowl of noodles, but unfortunately they won't let me, because the baby has loose bowels and there are many folk sayings, so I feel dizzy when I go to the toilet on the ground. Countless times, my tears have burst before I opened my mouth, and my throat is blocked and I can't make a sound.
I can't listen to my mother-in-law's harsh voice. As soon as she spoke, I began to have a headache. I can't breastfeed the baby, I can't hear her crying, I can't accept the arrival of the night, I can't sleep, and everything can make me reappear. The husband's silence, the mother-in-law's indifference, the child's crying, the side cutting, and the pain of opening milk are all worse. Everyone thinks it's better to die than to have a baby. I think these days after giving birth are like purgatory, and they are in the criminal law every day. Coupled with the feeling of heartache, it is ten times more painful than giving birth. Might as well be dead. Whenever that feeling comes, I feel I can't hold on for a minute, because I don't want to die. I'm afraid of death. I'm in agony. I want to kill my mother-in-law when a murderer hides her body on TV, and I want to trick the girl into killing people and cooking soup when the phone slips away. I just want to unload the child and cook the soup, so I have to ask my grandmother to take me to see a psychiatrist. When I see a psychiatrist, I want to grab a lifeline and cry about everything. These words don't seem to last three days and nights. After the patient understanding and treatment of psychologists, I am much better, but the idea of jumping off a building still lingers. I know I still have to rely on myself, so we will go back to the country for a while.
Now I am recovering day by day, and I feel that everyone around me is very real. But every time I think of those days, tears will always come to my eyes and I am glad that I survived! Therefore, after having a baby, the family should not focus on the child, and give your love and care to the new mother. Even if the husband says that he wants to hug the child and let the mother have a rest, or the mother-in-law says that she wants to eat and do whatever she wants, she will give her strength and hope!