The relationship between mother-in-law and daughter-in-law has always been a concern of many people. Since ancient times, the relationship between mother-in-law and daughter-in-law has always been incompatible, especially in parenting. Let me share with you how to adjust the dispute between mother-in-law and daughter-in-law.
How to adjust the problem when the concept of parenting and mother-in-law are different? 1. What do you think of the difference between parenting and mother-in-law?
"What is the right and proper way? Who is the authority of the referee? In a democratic family, there is no authority. If parents can reach an agreement, of course, it is best. But the agreement is not necessary "; "When children are adversely affected, parents will instinctively oppose this adult, state their ideas, and reduce or eliminate the influence of these people on children. This is actually useless. Children don't need others to set up defense lines or re-plan their own environment. " Reflecting on his opposition to books, he has been pursuing freedom, democracy and equality in his son's educational philosophy, but in reality he has imposed his own ideas and practices on the elderly as an authority. Isn't this against the spirit of democracy?
As long as a normal person has advantages and disadvantages, there is no absolute authority or right or wrong. This reminds me of a sentence by Yin Jianli, the author of A Good Mother Is Better than a Good Teacher: "Our parents are limited. As a mother, I can't say I know everything. As a limited person, I can give her as much as I can. I have to allow myself to do the rest badly, and I have to allow my children to have their own defects. "
Yes, as parents, how can we calm down and accept the existence of various discordant voices from the bottom of our hearts? When we have conflicts or differences with our elders' parenting concepts, we will be more normal and less subjective. The saved emotions and energy can make us turn our attention to the guidance behind the differences.
Second, does the child's growth environment need intervention?
"The child is an independent individual and will develop different interpersonal relationships with everyone who has close contact with him. Our children must meet different people and accumulate different experiences so that they can learn, understand and judge the world. " No matter how low the elders' concept of parenting is, it is only a part of the environment in which children grow up, not to mention that the relationship between children and elders is a matter between them, which is beyond the control of mothers. What's more, children's growth space is vast and profound, and the environment is complex and changeable, so it is difficult for parents to control the influence of others on their children. Parents should sit tight and let their children observe and feel in different concepts and environments.
It's easier said than done, which is really not easy to do, because emotionally, we can't cut off the close connection with our children. We have to regard their failure as our failure. We can't do it. A few words can help them avoid pain or disappointment, but we should also watch those closest to us struggle or make mistakes.
But only by not interfering too much and respecting the real situation in the children's growing environment is the premise of cultivating children's rational thinking and judgment. As for what parents should do, our responsibility is to find the right time and how to reflect their guidance.
Third, how to reflect the guidance of parents
"The relationship between children and grandparents is between them, and we need to help children learn how to deal with it. You can talk to your grandparents. Maybe you're right. I will think about it. Don't have conflicts with your grandparents and continue to do what you think is right. " Actions speak louder than words. In the case of disagreement, there is absolutely no need for parents to have verbal conflicts with their elders, and there is no need to convince each other. As the saying goes, "Good people don't argue, bad people argue". You can keep silent or obey verbally, but what to do next?
"The more mothers care about how others treat their children, the more likely they are to have problems in this place. If a mother can motivate her children to behave better and better, she won't care about other people's ways. Others are just facts in the child's environment. " Parents pay more attention and influence their lives with their lives, and their children will have great motivation to grow up. The influence of outdated concepts of elders on children can be completely ignored.
Guide and support children to make correct judgments.
On how to be yourself, the book also gives some suggestions, such as: "Being yourself and not getting involved in children's affairs is not to ignore children, but to encourage and encourage them without pressure and criticism; Without the slightest critical discussion, put forward various possibilities, even if some possible situations are unacceptable to us, we should put them forward for children to think about. Only in this way can the child form the best abilities and values for him now and in the future. "It is true that grandparents have their special status, but the responsibility for raising children is more on parents. Parents do what they should do well, which is the invincible armor to dismantle all complicated parenting problems.
Fourth, a strong heart needs scientific ideas to support it.
The real preparation of education is to improve yourself. "We must learn how to get along with children and family through a road of self-learning and self-growth.
We once argued for a long time about whether our daughter could go to kindergarten. At that time, I firmly believed that taking care of her children was the best choice, but my father thought that all the other children were in kindergarten. Why didn't your children go to kindergarten, have no children to play, have no social circle and learn nothing? Can you be responsible? We spent half a year discussing this problem. Later, my children never went to kindergarten again. In recent years, I have cultivated children's good reading interests and habits, and children have enough free play time. My child's enlightenment education has not been done. At that time, I thought it was the best choice for children to take care of themselves in childhood. Later, I learned teacher Yin's educational philosophy and understood what is the most suitable nutritious meal for children's childhood growth, which can give her the growth nutrition she needs at this stage. Now that the child is in the first grade, she quickly adapted to primary school life and was not affected by not going to kindergarten. Seeing that the child is getting better and better in all aspects, dad has put down his anxious heart. The happy state of the child is the best proof of our parenting methods.
We all love children very much, but sometimes the pace of parenting in our family is not as fast as ours, so we need a strong heart to influence others subtly. When there are differences on parenting, we should give each other more respect and understanding. Teaching by example is not only for children, but also for family. This requires us to improve ourselves at all times so that our hearts will not be influenced by the so-called "consistency".
Fifth, how to correctly educate the mother-in-law.
The first step is to show your attitude of learning from each other, which is the most important premise. You see, many experts even wanted to abuse others before, saying that they would like to hear your advice today.
The most common mistakes in this step are: the attitude of being a teacher, guiding others, giving lectures to others and asking others for advice often means that I am here to give you lessons.
There is also the following attitude that many people often mistake for a good attitude, suppressing their negative emotions and exchanging views with each other in a calm and equal manner. So some couples quarrel. I have treated your parents calmly and exchanged views in a friendly way. What else do you want from me? In fact, this has put the two sides in a hostile state.
The correct way is to clearly show the sincere attitude of learning from each other.
So you care so much about children not eating on time! Actually, I have my own opinion, and I am very interested in your idea. I'd like to know what you think.
Second, before expressing your ideas, you should get the consent of the other party.
The easiest mistake to make in this step is: I have heard all of you (even if I have, I don't know what you are talking about), and now it's my turn to talk, so listen carefully.
The correct way is: I really don't educate my children like you do, but I'm not going to argue with you about who is right or wrong ... Do you think I can talk about my own views?
Third, we should always be sincere and respectful. (This is very well expressed by Mr. carl rogers in his series of psychological works), and the way to convey sincerity and respect is always attitude, how to say it, not how to say it? If the other person thinks you are not sincere at all, you have no respect for him/her. No matter what you say, there are only five words in his/her mind: please respect me.
The most common mistake in this step is that you are eager to let the other party know your point of view and keep proving the other party wrong. Especially in attitude, showing a nasal sonic boom or a contemptuous expression will betray your inner lack of respect and sincere attitude.
Core point: handle your inner emotions well and communicate with an empty cup mentality.
Fourth, explore and confirm the similarities between the two sides. It is easy for both sides of the conflict to be ignited by their own disputes and ignore any disputes, except the controversial part and the discussion part. The greater the conflict between the two sides on something, there must be many similarities behind it. At least to solve this problem, the two sides can usually reach a consensus.
The most common mistake in the first step is to crush the other party with IQ (usually daughter-in-law) or experience superiority after expressing their views, asking the other party to do according to their own views, and no longer giving the other party the opportunity to discuss and share feedback.
Core point: It sounds like we have no dispute about giving children a better education.
By the way, these tricks often fail. If you are controlled by your emotions, you certainly don't need them. However, after a lot of reflection, this trick is still relatively refined.
Tips
The reason behind many problems in family education is not that the truth is not thorough enough, but that our methods of dealing with problems are improper, which stifles our gentleness and rationality.
The purpose of learning advanced parenting concepts is to make children live happier, but now many parents have turned their families into battlefields in pursuit of so-called consistency. Husband and wife can't feel the happiness brought by intimate relationship, and children can't feel the tenderness of the harbor, so home loses its original meaning.
In a healthy family, education does not need to be the same. As long as parents love each other enough and family members respect each other, they can love their children better, give them healthy love and make them really happy.
The concept of parenting is different from that of mother-in-law. How to adjust the topic? 2. Skills of getting along with mother-in-law and daughter-in-law
1. No matter how unreasonable your mother-in-law is, don't quarrel with her.
Even if your mother-in-law is wrong again, it's your fault if you go to war with her. This is not asking you to be an ostrich. Although you are a woman in the new era, you can despise all stereotypes, but please don't forget that this is China, and this society still can't tolerate disobedient people. Although quarreling with her mother-in-law is not necessarily disobedient, in the eyes of others, being a younger daughter-in-law who spits on her old woman is disobedient! They will think that you have no tutor! If you say that you don't have a tutor, the target is not you alone, but your parents. Do you want to hear your parents being talked about for their own reasons?
The meaner your mother-in-law is to you, the more generous you are to her.
Mother-in-law's generation went through a very difficult period, so there will be a kind of meanness about money that people in the 1970s and 1980s can't understand. She usually lives frugally, and hopes that her son and daughter-in-law will get what they want, especially for their daughter-in-law. If you buy something for your husband, she may not say anything, but if you buy it for yourself, she will say that you spend money indiscriminately, or that what you buy is too expensive. This kind of mother-in-law is really hateful, but the daughter-in-law doesn't have to wronged herself for it. She should buy what she should buy and spend the flowers, and she doesn't have to bear a grudge against her mother-in-law, thinking that you are abusing me, and see how I deal with you in the future. In fact, many mothers-in-law do this not only because they are distressed by money, but also because of psychological imbalance. Think about how much they have suffered before, and they can't bear to eat or wear. The whole province came down to give it to their children, and the effect was good. What contribution does the son's wife make to his son? Now I eat well, dress well and use it well ... Even if my daughter-in-law spends her own money, my mother-in-law will have the feeling of "planting trees and enjoying the cool by herself". For such a mother-in-law, the best way is to buy a gift for her mother-in-law, even if it is a very cheap small object, which can block her mouth. Although her mother-in-law will still say that you don't have to spend money for her, you can save some money or something, but you will be very happy.
Don't speak ill of your mother-in-law in front of your husband.
We don't like mother-in-law to speak ill of herself in front of her husband. Similarly, as mother-in-law, we don't like the daughter-in-law gossiping in her son's ear.
Especially now, many men are very filial. Even if he knew that his mother-in-law was wrong, he would say, bear with it, that's his mother! Unfortunately, it seems that many daughters-in-law, including myself, have met such a gnashing husband! In this case, you can't achieve your goal by speaking ill of your mother-in-law, and it is more likely to make your husband feel disgusted with you. After all, you love your parents very much, and your husband speaks ill of them in front of you. Can you promise that you won't jump up? But that doesn't mean we have to swallow our pride. At this time, we need to use our wisdom. You can create an opportunity for your husband to see how her mother-in-law bullies you. If you can, you might as well shed tears of injustice in front of him and leave the rest to him. If your husband is still so insensitive, don't mention it. Double the anger your mother-in-law gave you and vent it on him! Such a husband would be too sorry for his filial piety if he didn't invite him to eat "sandwich cookies" and was full!
If you live with your mother-in-law, don't run back to your mother's house because you are angry.
When writing this article, I actually envy my sisters who have a home to go back to. Because the home is in the field, there is basically no home to go back to, but it also saves parents' worries. Although I sometimes run back to my parents' home in a wronged way, it's quite refreshing that my husband can come and take you home humbly. Maybe your parents won't scold him, maybe they will condemn him with their eyes at most, but have you thought about his feelings? If this happens many times, every man will get bored and decide not to get used to your problems in the future, and this trick will not work. Especially the daughter-in-law who lives with her mother-in-law, don't make such a move easily. If her mother-in-law throws you a word, don't come back out of this door! Or your husband wants to show authority and say this to you in front of her mother-in-law. Are you going to walk out of this house without hesitation, or are you going to put down your luggage and go back to your room and cry? Even if you can go through the door and finally come back, aren't you afraid that the first thing your mother-in-law said to her husband after going out was "divorce her"? When a man who lives with his mother encounters this situation, even if he really wants to keep you or take you home early, he usually slaps his face and pretends to be fat in order to prove to his mother that he is a man. Not only will he not leave you, but he will say something more rude, or he will not take you home at all. Will you divorce him or pack up and go home? If you really don't want to go there and divorce him, then say something else. If you don't want to give him up, you have to go home by yourself. Isn't that shameful?
Of course, every woman has the right to run away from home without being reasonable, but can you be a little creative and change the location to another place? Personally, I prefer high-end hotels, and then I called him and said I didn't want my parents to worry, so I came to the hotel ... and then I ordered myself a delicious meal and waited for him to pick you up, hehe! I bet that 90% of men will run to the hotel after receiving this call. After all, it costs hundreds of thousands every day! Few husbands or mothers-in-law are not distressed. Maybe other 10% husbands don't care if they have money! Then run away, such as Hong Kong, Paris, Hawaii and so on. Running away from home once is enough to impress him and see if he dares to provoke you next time.
Don't speak ill of your mother-in-law in front of outsiders.
Maybe someone will scold me. Are you kidding? Being angry with my mother-in-law, I can't tell my husband, nor can I tell outsiders. Is there justice? Yes, it seems difficult to do this. Look at the blood and tears of the sisters in the forum and you will know how many bitter tears there are in the world as a daughter-in-law! And when friends get together at ordinary times, it seems that the evil mother-in-law at home is the one who talks the most! China's daughter-in-law is bitter! But outsiders here are specific, that is, people who know both themselves and their mother-in-law can complain on the forum, but if you speak ill of your mother-in-law in front of these people, aren't you afraid that your words will be embellished and passed on to her mother-in-law one day? It's true that we should not wash our dirty linen in public, but it's more important not to be looked down upon as Sister Xianglin. Even if you know that your mother-in-law speaks ill of you in front of outsiders, don't answer blows with blows, an eye for an eye. What's the difference between you and your mother-in-law with a long tongue? A clever daughter-in-law will do this: my mother-in-law says that I am not good in front of people, and I will say that she is good in front of people! Don't worry about being accused by your mother-in-law. Please be sure to believe this sentence: "justice is free from people's hearts." Your mother-in-law criticized you in every way, but you returned good for evil. Isn't it clear at a glance what is right and wrong? Wait until those people return your words to your mother-in-law's ear and see if she is ashamed to death!
6. Don't exaggerate your grievances in your husband's family.
There is no denying that every daughter-in-law will be wronged more or less in her husband's family, perhaps because of the other party's unintentional mistakes or intentional actions. Many daughters-in-law themselves can't resolve this resentment, so they will think about it and feel that they have been greatly wronged, and in the process, they will infinitely magnify each other's mistakes and lose sight of their responsibilities in the incident.
This may be because many daughters-in-law are isolated in their in-laws and have an instinctive sense of defense, so they are too sensitive to events related to themselves. Another situation is that some daughters-in-law have a delusion of persecution and always feel that the other party is up to no good. She is like smart, beautiful and kind Snow White, and her mother-in-law is a vicious queen. She won't stop until she kills herself, so she feels sorry for herself. A woman is a delicate animal, but sometimes this delicate feeling is "narrow-minded" in the eyes of her husband's family. I also think that some trivial things at home are not worth making a fuss about. The careless daughter-in-law thing has disappeared before, and the relationship with in-laws may be the most harmonious. As long as the in-laws don't attack or insult themselves personally, a clever daughter-in-law can pretend not to understand or laugh it off. So, sometimes you might as well be a smart silly elder sister, which may make you happier.
7. Be sure to find a suitable opportunity to show the essence of your tigress in front of your mother-in-law.
Everyone has a bad habit of bullying and being afraid of hard work, especially many mother-in-law now. The more docile you are in front of her, the more she thinks you are a soft persimmon that can be pinched at will. Of course, you can't quarrel with her, but this doesn't necessarily mean that you can't quarrel with others, but this person had better not choose your husband or anyone who is related to her. Give him a good scolding if you have the chance to catch the unlucky guy! Even if it is unreasonable to insist, at this time, you should show the worst and most vicious side of your personality incisively and vividly. Don't be afraid to carry the notoriety of a bitch, a bitch will splash women! As long as your mother-in-law can see, we are not without temper. We don't lose our temper with her not because we are afraid of her, but because we respect her as an elder! Take this as a warning to her: the tiger doesn't show off, don't treat me like a sick cat!