So, I looked out at the doctor's psychological nutrition forest, which gradually calmed me down. So extract some highlights and share them.
Dr. Chae Min Lim often said: What's so hard about raising children? If the children are raised to make trouble, nine times out of ten, the method is wrong and the concept is wrong! Well, now may be a chance to correct it.
1. Five psychological nutrition, "feed" healthy children!
Both parents want their children to grow up healthily. However, we may not know that just like physical nutrition, children need different psychological nutrition at different ages. If a child doesn't get enough psychological nutrition from childhood, he will keep looking for it in his later life, which will lead to various situations until he finds the psychological nutrition that was once missing.
The first psychological nutrition: unconditional acceptance
0 to 3 months, the child is just born, and the first nutrition he needs is called unconditional acceptance.
The newborn is very fragile. He can't find food by himself. He has to wait for his parents to support him, and needs their parents to help him, comfort him and take care of him. In fact, the baby knows everything, but he can't talk. He can only express it by crying when necessary.
When the demand expression is so unclear and everything in the future is so uncertain, he needs unconditional acceptance from his parents most. "You don't know if I will be filial in the future? Can't you see that I look good? You don't know if I'm okay? But as long as you try your best to satisfy me and love me, even if you know nothing! " This is the unconditional love and acceptance that children long for.
Psychological nutrition 2: At this moment, I am the most important thing in your life.
Children aged 0 ~ 3 months still need to make sure: "In your life, I am the most important, I am 65438 +0. Even if you are busy, even if you are not feeling well, if you find me hungry and sick, you will immediately put everything down and satisfy me first. In this way, I will know that I am the most important thing in your life. "
It is not difficult for mom to do this. Because after giving birth to a child, the mother will secrete a substance called propranolamine, so that the mother can willingly provide everything for the child. Physiologically, provide milk; Psychologically, provide unconditional love. In the eyes of mothers, children must be the most perfect, and nothing is more important than children.
However, if for some reason, when the baby is 0 ~ 3 months old, the mother's mood changes and the body does not secrete propylamine normally, then the father will undertake this task: take care of the child and protect his wife. If parents often quarrel and fight at this time, and both of them can't take care of the children, then the children will find someone else to replace their parents' original role as "important others" when they grow up.
"Important others" is a psychological concept, which refers to the most influential person in the process of children's psychological personality formation and socialization. This person's parenting attitude and behavior will have a decisive impact on the growth of children. This man was chosen by the children themselves. The first and most instinctive choice is, of course, mom and dad. If mom and dad can't do it, he may choose grandparents, teachers or other elders.
From this person, the child hopes to be unconditionally accepted and become the most important person in this life. If a child doesn't find such an ideal "significant other half" as a child, he will spend his whole life looking for it until he finds it. When he goes to primary school, he will go to the primary school teacher. In middle school, he will find a girlfriend and fall in love very early.
He really wants to make up for the feeling that he didn't get "I am the most important" from his parents, hoping that someone can regard himself as the most important person in life. If he can't find it, he will grow up with this expectation and marry with this expectation. When getting married, he always asks, "Where am I in your life?" I asked again and again, "Am I the most important person in your life?" If I am willful, bad and terrible, will you still love me like that? "He will always look for this answer, which leads to many problems in his interpersonal communication. He can't try his best to do something meaningful because he will encounter a lot of trouble.
The third psychological nutrition: sense of security
Starting from 4 months, the child enters another stage-wants to leave and become an independent person.
The child was originally connected with the mother and experienced physical separation at birth. From 4 months to 3 years old, it is a process for a child to cut off the psychological umbilical cord with his mother or father. If this process is not done well, children will never know how to be independent. At this stage, children need psychological nutrition: a sense of security. In the establishment of a sense of security, the role of the mother is greater than that of the father, because the main object of child separation is the mother. If the mother is in a stable state, the child will naturally experience this separation period and gain a sense of security. So, what kind of state can a mother provide her children with the best sense of security?
First of all, mom should be emotionally stable. It is difficult for a mother who is always in a state of anxiety to calm down. She will worry about this and that, and her emotions will easily get out of control. For children, the best mother is willing to learn, make herself emotionally stable, and grow with the child's growth. If a mother thinks she has emotional problems, she must find ways to deal with her emotions before facing her children.
We often like to do what we think is best for our children. In fact, a stable and peaceful mother is the best source of children's sense of security as long as she stays with her children, observes what they need and then satisfies them. We will find that at this stage, the child will run back to his mother from time to time and let her hug him. At this time, her mother will only hug him happily. After the hug, the child felt safe. If he wants to come down, let him play by himself and leave him alone. He invites you to play, so you play with him. Let it be. When the child feels safe, he will try to separate a little. When you feel more secure, you will be a little apart. In short, the more sense of security is absorbed, the easier it is to separate, which is a natural process of children's psychology. Keep leaving, coming back, leaving and coming back … until you become a truly independent person physically and psychologically.
Comparatively speaking, the bad practice is that today, when the mother is in a good mood, she picks up the children to play and kiss; When she was in a bad mood or busy, when the child came, she said, go, go find dad or grandma. Children always bother their parents because they are not satisfied when they need it, not because they want too much.
Secondly, pay attention to the relationship between husband and wife. Parents can give their children the best, not material things. Children are so young that they don't have much demand for material things. A good relationship between parents is what a child wants most, which can give him a sense of security. He is naturally happy when his parents have a good relationship, because parents are the world to their children. If parents often quarrel and blame each other, the child will be afraid. When he can't express his fear, he will show it in many strange behaviors. The relationship between husband and wife is one of the most important things in the first few years of children's growth.
Some children still pull their parents' skirts when they are four or five years old or even teenagers. When they want to go to school, they don't go out holding the door, because they can't be independent and separated. People who can be separated are people who can be "connected by feelings". If the child does not get the sense of security that "he can keep in touch with others with emotion" during this hard time, the whole person will be full of anxiety and fear. Then he was born afraid of separation and could not be independent.
This stage is the most troublesome period for raising children-the terrible two years old. Why do you say "terrible"? Because the separated children want to be independent, but they can't be completely separated from their mothers. At this time, the child's requirements for his mother are particularly high. Because he has no independent ability, he needs his mother to watch him, protect him and respond to his behavior at any time, but if you really help him, he doesn't agree, because he is too eager for independence. Therefore, two-year-olds often say two words: "No!" In the face of this "rebellion" of children, we should adopt a "gentle and persistent" attitude. You can let the children explore for themselves and let them venture boldly. When there is real danger, we can also say "no" to our children "gently and persistently". "Persistence" means resolutely stopping children's improper or unsafe behaviors, and "gentleness" means that when we stop children, there will be no emotions of judgment and accusation.
The fourth psychological nutrition: affirmation, praise and recognition
When the child enters the stage of 4-5 years old and has the consciousness of "I", the psychological nutrition he needs very much is: affirmation, praise and recognition.
If the mother is more important than the father in giving people a sense of security. Then in the part of affirmation and recognition, dad is more important than mom. The father's affirmation, recognition and praise for his children, whether for his son or daughter, are particularly heavy. If the father is willing to seriously say to the child, "Son, I like you very much and I am glad that you are my child", the child will remember this sentence and be happy all his life.
If the father is willing to appreciate the child and express it in words and actions: "You are great, and the father loves you", the child will think: "I am fine, and my parents think I am cute", so that he will be full of self-confidence. This self-confidence really comes from inner self-confidence. He knows that he is a valuable person. When children are confident and think they are valuable, they will have a new me and understand "who I am", so they will have the confidence to face life and face all kinds of problems and problems in life.
So, please dad must do this! Willing to affirm the child and express to the child: "I like you very much, you are great!" " "With her father's affirmation, a girl will feel that she is a very good girl, and she is valuable as a woman. And a boy will also feel that as a son, his male role is very good and he is a very good boy. In other words, fathers play a more important role in gender identity.
The Fifth Psychological Nutrition: Learning, Cognition and Model
Children aged 6-7 need special psychological nutrition: learning, cognition and modeling. In this period, there must be a person who can be a role model for children. This model can help him solve these problems: what should I do if I encounter difficulties? What should I do if I am in a bad mood? What should I do if I disagree with others? A child needs to learn how to manage his emotions and how to deal with problems in life, and this learning comes from a model.
For a child, his first model is his mother or father: what kind of attitude do parents take when they meet some specific problems in life? How to solve the problem? In the future, this will be the model and template for children to deal with problems after they go to society.