At first, it was the 9-year-old daughter Charlotte who always complained to her mother: Why is the 4-year-old brother Julian so annoying? As a mother, I always habitually say to my daughter: Don't hate your brother! Until one day, the mother realized that she might be wrong, so after listening to her sister's story, the mother began to reflect, yes, why did these annoying bad habits appear on her son?
She said: Every time my son screams and complains, it drives him crazy, second only to his sister hitting him for no reason. And a married mother he knew told her: Every child has his own behavior, just like every finger has nails, but most of the time, we are the culprit that affects children's behavior.
This reminds him of the words of a parenting consultant in Los Angeles: "If you pay attention to what your child has done wrong, he will naturally resist, and the result of resistance is constant quarrel between you, which will eventually lead to worse behavior of your child."
As a result, my mother began to reflect and found that she had similar shouting behavior in her life. If she doesn't stop this bad habit, the child can't get rid of her bad habit at once. So she asked experts for some behavior correction skills and began to plan some strategies to change children's behavior habits.
The first day's strategy: do not respond to children's complaints.
My first step is to think about what I did wrong. According to a clinical child psychologist, "the mistake most parents make is to respond to their children's wrong behavior, because in the eyes of children, it is better to get their parents' response than not to respond." "
But I was still afraid of what would happen if I ignored them at first, but the doctor advised me to calm down and tell them what I wanted to do. So, at the dinner table in the morning, I announced to them: "Guys, from now on, if you complain or quarrel, I will pretend not to see or hear your's voice. Do you understand? "
"Yeah, anyway," Charlotte shrugged.
"Well," said Julian. "Can I have some more juice?"
Later, when we were buying clothes for Charlotte, my brother Julian began to keep complaining, "Why do we have to stay in this broken shop?" She asked. I want to go home!
Usually at this time, I take a piece of candy out of my wallet to keep her quiet.
But this time, I chose to just keep tidying up my shirt.
"mom! Did you hear that? I hate it here! I said this is stupid! "
I ignored the glare of my son and salesman, and I smiled brightly.
Still said to my sister Charlotte, "Look, they have your blue size!" " "
The child's voice is getting louder and louder, and I used all my willpower to control myself from responding to the child's wrong behavior.
But suddenly … my brother Julian became quiet. He found some key chains that looked like Lego people, so he just played until we were ready to leave the mall.
Obviously, when mom didn't respond, complaining lost its appeal, but I don't want to show my face in that store anymore.
The next day: stay optimistic.
When I woke up the next morning, I was still worried that I would lose my temper because the children quarreled. But I thought about what a family coaching said before: expecting children to be bad is a self-fulfilling process. He once told me: If you must label your children, please make sure that these labels are positive, so that he will have better motivation and achievable goals.
So on this day, when the child complained that he couldn't find a suitable cube to build his house, I tried. "You are good at making things," I said. "Try something else?"
"no!" He said loudly.
Then, a miracle happened, and the child's sister Charlotte intervened. "Come on, Julian, let me help you," she said.
"Thank you, Charlotte. You are a very lovely big sister, "I said.
Half an hour later, the children came in with a shoe box. They turned them into houses with tape and scissors.
"That's a great house," I said. "I am proud that you can get along well."
The rest of the day was surprisingly calm. Is the solution really that simple? Sometimes I really doubt it.
Day 3: Take a walk
Next, I decided to change my bad behavior, because a doctor once said: We are imitating what I want to suppress children. The fact is, although I don't complain, I do like nagging.
So, on a crazy morning, I didn't beg my child to move on, but said calmly, "I just remind you that we must leave in five minutes, or we won't arrive on time."
Charlotte and Julian have less time to pack than usual. And I remembered that the doctor told me to put a positive label on the child's behavior, and I added, look, you have done a very good job in preparation!
Charlotte looked at me as if I were crazy. "Great, Mom," she said, her voice full of confidence. At least they don't need to be late.
Day 4: Verification before punishment
I remember the author of "Unleashing the Power of Parents' Love" said: "Children usually behave for a reason", so parents should point out their children's bad behavior and give them a fair result. This will make them feel accepted and understood, even after he is trained.
So, when my brother accidentally broke my sister's bracelet, I decided to try.
I said to my sister Charlotte, "You must be very angry that Julian ruined your bracelet."
Charlotte's eyes were full of tears. "He always messes with my things, and you have never been angry with him," she said.
I need to correct Julian,' I said. "You have the right to be angry. But I need you to go back to your room and reflect on what happened before you hit him. "
To my surprise, Charlotte obediently returned to her room. When she came out again, she was not as unhappy as she had been punished before.
What I want to say is that "feeling first, discipline second" is the best behavior skill I have ever tried. The only drawback is that its success depends on patience to achieve it.
Day 5: Be consistent.
My ability to deal with children's tantrums depends on my mood, but it can't be so uncertain.
"You must be consistent, be clear about your expectations, and avoid breaking out," a friend once said.
In order to improve Julian's complaints, I decided that the message of the day was: "You got what you got, don't feel depressed-4-year-olds don't complain."
In the morning, he saw us using his favorite toothpaste. "I hate mint!" "He complained for no reason.
"You got what you got, don't feel depressed-4-year-olds don't complain," I said.
In the afternoon, when Julian was angry, the Darth Vader book he wanted had been lent out. I shrugged and said, "You got what you got. Don't feel depressed-don't complain about a 4-year-old."
"Why do you keep saying that, Mom?"
He asked and decided on the second book.
In the evening, he complained that he wanted to eat chicken nuggets.
"You guessed it ..." I'm ready to start over.
Julian interrupted me.
"I know, I know," he said, stuffing wonton into his mouth.
I give my thumbs up in this way. Although this may have angered my son, his behavior has indeed improved.
Day 6: But sometimes the rules change.
Next, I decided to solve the bad habit of children watching TV. Simply put, they watched too much, fighting for the control of the remote control. When it was time to do homework or take a shower, I had to turn off the TV, and they began to complain endlessly.
I started showing them so that I could cook dinner with peace of mind, but it would let a lot of things slip away. When I explained this problem to my friend, she suggested that I limit the time they watch TV and create new habits to replace the old ones.
She warned me, "My children may react strongly and negatively at first."
All you have to do is break the rules and reset the boundaries. Hickam insisted.
Later that afternoon, when I told my children that they couldn't watch TV while I was cooking dinner!
I tried to cheer up, but even so, the screams were still worse than I expected.
I didn't know what else to do, so I took the remote control, put Julian's art supplies and Charlotte's homework in front of me, turned around and went to the kitchen, just like the first day, forcing myself to ignore any sound coming from the living room.
Dinner is ready, the children calm down, Charlotte writes her article, and Julian is busy drawing with his marker.
I looked at the scene and understood what Hickam meant. Children will resist change in a very unpleasant way, but you must let them know that you will not back down. Sometimes, just be so strong.
Day 7: Calm down.
Even God will rest on the seventh day, right? You might think, "Ha! It is true that my mother never rests, because I am not optimistic enough to believe that my children will let me lie on the sofa while they play quietly all day. However, in the past few days, we have made amazing progress.
So I put off washing clothes, packing a picnic and taking my children to the park. We spent the whole afternoon reading, playing catch and playing games in the park, doing nothing but enjoying each other's company.
Guess what?
No complaints, no arguments, no grumpy mothers.
I am sure that in the next few months, I need to review every strategy of this week repeatedly.
But now, I'm glad that we all won a day's rest because of our good behavior.