The third week of "Psychological Articles" is also the third week of "Suggestions with Liang Yan" reading series.
I wonder if there is any change in the "psychology" of your friends?
Scott parker put forward that "life is full of hardships", that is, problems continue; Therefore, if you want to enjoy greater happiness, you must "postpone satisfaction"-bitter first, then sweet, and don't covet temporary comfort.
If you don't "suffer first and then be happy", you will gradually find that there is no temporary comfort; Because, I feel more and more problems, and I become powerless. Until one day, Lian Xin was lost.
In work and life, we can all realize that life is like a pot of porridge, work is like a mess, brain aches, and there is no hope. ......
How did we go from relaxed, orderly and happy to this step by step?
I hope today's content will inspire everyone.
Back to the topic of today's article-"Why many problems can't be solved".
I personally understand that the author mentioned two reasons.
First, not paying enough.
In the words of the article, "you just didn't take the time to try" and "many people didn't pay enough time and energy to solve intellectual, social and spiritual problems".
In a word, the problem can't be solved without effort.
Second, avoid the problem.
"Compared with the attitude of lacking patience and wanting to solve the problem immediately, another attitude towards the problem is lower and more destructive, that is, I hope the problem will disappear on its own."
"I thought that this problem would disappear when the children grew up. But who knows that the problem has always existed and is getting worse. "
If you don't face and solve the problem, but avoid covering it up, you can certainly get temporary comfort; But it's not that I don't report it It's just not yet. Then report a big one.
Of course, we also admit that avoiding problems is not necessarily intentional, but intentional and unintentional, there may be little difference in nature and results. "I think" is a very harmful thought and behavior. Later in the book "From Mediocrity to Excellence", we will also communicate with you some methods and tools to "stop my thinking" through "three tools".
Finally, bad things can also have a domino effect.
Through the study of "happiness" and "the most important thing is only one thing", we know that if we want to succeed, we must do that "appropriate thing" well, produce a domino effect and drive many other things.
In fact, it is the same if you don't succeed. "Who knows that the problem has always existed and is getting worse", and this "getting worse" is the domino effect.
However, if you want to be successful and happy, the "right thing" is not easy to find.
But if you want to fail and suffer, every card may become a domino.
As mentioned earlier, the love of parents has a great influence on cultivating children's self-discipline, that is, the ability to delay satisfaction. Now, let's see what effect it will have on adult life if we can't delay our satisfaction. This effect is subtle, but extremely destructive.
Although most of us have the ability to postpone satisfaction, we can finish high school and college smoothly, and then enter the society without being jailed like adults, but our growth process is usually imperfect, which leads to our problem-solving ability is not perfect.
Ironically, I didn't learn to repair daily necessities until I was 37. Before that, I knew nothing about repairing water pipes and lights, or assembling toys or furniture according to the instructions. Although I finished medical school, got married, and made some achievements in psychotherapy and administration, when it comes to machinery, I am all thumbs, like a stupid fool. I feel inferior enough to believe that I lack a certain gene and am not born to solve mechanical problems. One Sunday in spring, my 37th birthday was coming to an end. I was walking outdoors and saw my neighbor repairing the lawn mower. I greeted him and said enviously, "Oh, you are really capable! I will never repair these things. " He immediately replied, "You just didn't take the time to try." I walked on, feeling more and more uneasy. His simple but meaningful words gave me a great shock. I asked myself, "What he said may be right. Dude, maybe you're really not that bad? "
I remember his words and remind myself that I must take the time to test them when I have the opportunity in the future. I'll have a chance soon. A female patient's car brake pedal was stuck by something and could not be stepped on. She told me that there was a brake switch under the dashboard, but she didn't know the exact location of the switch or what shape it was. I volunteered to help her solve this problem. I lay on the floor under the steering wheel, reminding myself to relax as much as possible. I took a deep breath and observed patiently for a few minutes. I can't understand the piles of wires, pipes and levers in front of me. What happened to them? I concentrated on tracking the relevant parts of the brake and gradually understood the operation process of the brake. Finally found the crux-the small switch that made the brakes unable to move. I did a detailed study and found that when I pulled my finger up, the brakes could move freely. So I did it: with a flick of my fingertips, the problem was completely solved. I am very excited: hey, I am really a first-class mechanic!
My major has nothing to do with machinery. I don't have mechanical expertise, and I don't want to solve mechanical problems. In most cases, I would rather turn to the repairman to solve these problems for me. I know now that this is entirely my own choice, not a genetic defect. I believe that unless you have mental retardation, as long as you take the time to study, there is no problem that cannot be solved.
Many people don't pay enough time and energy to solve intellectual, social and psychological problems-just like my attitude towards mechanical problems. Before I was inspired, if I was impatient that day, I might stick my head under the dashboard of the car and pull a few wires at random. Seeing that it was useless, I shrugged and said, "I'm sorry, I don't know what happened." I think I can't help you. " Isn't this the attitude of many people when dealing with problems?
Although the financial expert mentioned above is a very caring and hard-working mother, she can't manage her two children well. If the child's mood is abnormal, or there is something wrong with family education, she will soon notice it, but she usually just uses parental authority at will according to the improvisation of her brain. For example, forcing children to eat more breakfast or go to bed early. Whether such a decision helps solve the problem or not. When there is really no way, she will ask me for help and say to me annoyingly, "I can't do anything about them." What should I do? " This lady is very clever. As long as she doesn't shirk her responsibilities at work, she can show great ability, but when it comes to solving family conflicts, she will immediately become mentally retarded.
The crux of the problem still lies in her use of time. Family problems made her dizzy. She just wants to get out as soon as possible and shorten the contact time with the problem as soon as possible, instead of spending enough time dealing with this uncomfortable feeling and calmly analyzing the problem. Although solving problems can bring her satisfaction, she doesn't want to delay this satisfaction at all, even for a minute or two. In the end, she didn't accumulate any effective experience from the problem, so the family fell into a long-term chaos.
The above-mentioned people we are talking about do not have obvious psychological barriers, nor do they have any intellectual defects when facing problems. Their problem is just a lack of self-discipline. That financial expert's situation is enough to represent everyone. Who can clap his chest and say that he can always spend enough time analyzing children's problems and solving family crises? Who really learned self-discipline and self-management, never faced all problems negatively, never spread out his hands disheartened and said, "This is beyond my power"?
Compared with the attitude of lacking patience and wanting to solve the problem immediately, another attitude towards the problem is lower and more destructive, that is, I hope the problem will disappear on its own. Everyone has this tendency: once there is a problem, they want to solve it immediately, otherwise they will be upset and fidgety. This mentality is obviously unrealistic, but what is even more frightening is that waiting for the problem to disappear by itself usually does not bring any good results. A 30-year-old single salesman secretly hooked up with the wife of one of the group members when he was in group therapy in a small city. That man is a banker and recently separated from his wife. Salesmen know that bankers are always angry and depressed because their wives leave. He also knows that he is dishonest to bankers and other members of group therapy, because he did not disclose his relationship with the banker's wife, which violated the basic principles of group therapy. He knew that sooner or later the banker would know about his wife's relationship with himself.
The only way to solve this problem is to make this relationship public in the treatment group, get everyone's support, and bear the anger of bankers. But the salesman said nothing. Three months later, the banker discovered their relationship. As expected, the dealer was furious and immediately withdrew from the treatment group. The salesman's harmful behavior was questioned and accused by all the members, but he defended: "I think telling this story may cause a heated debate." If I say nothing, everything will pass and contradictions will not break out. " I think if I wait long enough, the problem may disappear. "
-the problem has not disappeared, it still exists, and it still hinders the growth of the mind and the maturity of the mind.
Group therapists remind salespeople that the tendency to ignore problems in order to avoid solving them and expect them to disappear by themselves is a major problem in his life. But four months later, in the early autumn of that year, he made another incredible move: he suddenly stopped selling and started a furniture maintenance company. In this way, he won't have to travel frequently. All members of the group think that he is putting all his eggs in one basket and question the rationality of his decision, because winter (off-season) is coming and his business is likely to be bleak. But he stubbornly believes that the company can receive many orders to help him tide over the difficulties. In February of the following year, he finally told everyone that he had to give up treatment because he could no longer afford it. He was as poor as a church mouse and had to find another job.
He has only repaired seven pieces of furniture in the past five months. When he was asked why he didn't find a job earlier since the prospect was not good, he replied, "I knew that my money was running out six weeks ago, but I never thought it would come to this." At that time, I didn't think the situation was that urgent. However, it is completely different now. I didn't expect it! " Obviously, he neglected his own problems again. He finally realized that only by solving the problem of "neglect" can he continue to solve other problems and move on to the next step-all psychotherapy in the world is essentially the same.
Ignoring the existence of problems reflects people's unwillingness to delay satisfaction. As I said before, facing the problem directly can make people feel painful. Problems usually don't go away by themselves. If not solved, they will exist forever and hinder the maturity of the mind. We have all had this experience, and when problems come, they will inevitably bring different degrees of pain. Facing problems as early as possible means delaying satisfaction, giving up temporary comfort or less pain and experiencing more pain. This is the wisest way to deal with problems and pains. If you suffer now, you may be more satisfied in the future; If we don't seek to solve the problem now, the pain in the future will be greater and last longer.
On the surface, the salesman in front ignored his own problems, which was entirely due to his immature mind. In fact, just like the financial experts mentioned before, each of us has such a problem. A battle-hardened general once told me: "The biggest problem of the army exists in any organization and institution, that is, most commanders just sit in their offices and stare at a lot of problems, so they can't make decisions, let alone take practical actions. It seems that after staring for a few days and nights, the problem disappears by itself. " The commander mentioned by the general is not an ordinary person who lacks willpower, not a person with fragile psychology or abnormal personality, but a senior officer with deep qualifications and strict training.
Parents are also commanders, and their mission is as complicated as managing a business. Just like military commanders, many parents are helpless in the face of their children's problems, doing nothing for months or even years, just dragging their feet. A pair of parents even put off a problem for five years and finally had to ask a child psychologist for help. She said gloomily, "I thought this problem would disappear when the children grew up." But who knows that the problem has always existed and is getting worse. "It is not easy to be a parent. Sometimes it is really difficult to make certain decisions, and with the growth of children's age, individual problems may disappear, but after all, they are very few. In the process of children's growth, it is of course beneficial to give appropriate guidance and help and learn more about their problems. The longer the problem is delayed, the harder it is to get it back, and naturally it is more difficult to solve it.
-scott parker's "The Road Few People Walk"
The above contents are only used for learning and communication, and shall not be used for commercial purposes.
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3. Have appropriate opportunities to discuss and communicate with people around you in various ways, help each other and inspire each other.
If you think it is necessary to make a personal promotion plan, you must have a timetable from goal to action to measure it. When you turn what you want to do into a part of your life, it will become a real "action".
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