Remember the metaphor of an elephant and an elephant rider? Elephants are like our emotions, and riding elephants is like our reason. Usually the change we are talking about is that the elephant rider directs the elephant to go where he wants to go. But many times, elephants will also convince the elephant rider that change is neither necessary nor possible.

In other words, our emotions will also induce reason, leaving us in our psychological comfort zone and unable to make changes. So, is there any way to overcome this resistance and let the elephant take a step smoothly? In this class, I want to teach you a method that can effectively promote change. This is also the second principle of behavior change-the principle of small steps.

Small success can make elephants realize the benefits of change, and also shape a sense of hope, make elephants believe that change is possible, and urge elephants to keep taking steps. But the problem is that success always comes after action. We must take action to get good results. How can we make the elephant take the first step? Today we introduce a method called "miracle question".

What is the "miracle problem"? I use a story to illustrate.

I have a visitor. He is a senior student. He needs to complete four courses in the last semester before he can graduate. Otherwise, he will be expelled from school. But at this critical time, he plays online games in the dormitory every day and hardly goes out.

He is the first famous college student in the village. When villagers advise their children to study hard, they will follow his example. His family is not rich, and he knows the significance of his successful graduation to work for this family. However, it is because of this pressure that he can't lift his spirits and study hard for the exam.

Speaking of the coming exam, he said that he had figured it out. It doesn't matter whether he graduates or not. If you don't graduate, you will do manual labor and have a mouth to eat.

You know, when he said this, it didn't really matter, but the elephant was afraid of pressure, couldn't keep up with the pace, and gradually lost confidence in change.

One day I asked him, "If a miracle happens, you really graduated smoothly. What will happen? " He shook his head to show that he didn't want to think about these meaningless things. Please be careful not to think about possible changes. This is also the way for elephants to protect themselves from disappointment.

But I insisted, "Never mind, just think about it." He began to think about it slowly, saying that he might go to his hometown's provincial capital city to find a job. If he can't find it, he will go back to his alma mater as a teacher. After all, the problem-solving skills in high school are still there. At this point, his face began to shine, perhaps recalling the time when he was a top student in high school.

I continued to ask, "Well, now think about it. If you graduate successfully, you will really do it. Looking back on this process, what was the first step you took? " He thought for a moment and said, "Then I should at least work and rest normally and go to the canteen to eat on time." I said, "OK, can you do that?"

"Miracle problem" is a common sentence pattern in psychotherapy. It looks simple, but in fact it has an exquisite design.

In this consultation, we didn't discuss how to study and how to pass the exam. These tasks will scare elephants and make them afraid to step. All we discussed was going to the canteen to eat on time. This is what the visitor can do and what he is confident to do.

So "miracle question" brings the first small step of change. Although this change is small, it is very helpful to tourists.

I have given X-rays of psychological immunity to visitors. I know that the reason why he stays in the dormitory every day, not going to the classroom or the library, is that he is afraid of meeting acquaintances and being asked by others, and he will not know what to do. Going to the canteen on time every day is a small step for his psychological immune system.

He really did it. At first, I was very careful for fear of being seen by others. When cooking the next day, I really met a classmate. This classmate is very enthusiastic and asks about him. He hesitated and said. Perhaps out of kindness, the classmate said to him, "I am taking the GRE now, and I am very lonely." I really need someone to remind me to get up early. " Well, how about reminding each other to have breakfast together? "He said yes. Later, the two began to study together, and his condition gradually improved.

So, sometimes change is like this, just like dominoes. The most important thing is to find the card that can promote change, find the first small change and knock it down.

Finding the first small change by "miracle question" and making it come true is called "small step principle".

The "small step principle" is a way to bypass the elephant's psychological defense mechanism and trigger our actions.

Hearing this, you may think that the ending of this story is too perfect. What if he doesn't meet that classmate when he goes to the canteen? What if that classmate laughed at him out of kindness instead of asking him to study with him? Isn't this small step he took useless?

This is a good question. When you think like this, you don't really understand the meaning of the "small step principle".

Its focus is not on results, but on actions here and now. Its core idea is the proposition of the Stoic School in ancient Greece: "Try to control what you can control and accept what you can't control." If you need the promise of ultimate success to do something, then you have fallen into a thinking mode that makes you unable to act and change.

At this time, you must really want to ask: What should I do if that male classmate is really laughed at by his classmates? Not paying attention at all, is this too unrealistic? You know, people are the most vulnerable at the beginning of change, and it is easy to give up because of a small blow. I actually thought about this question. If it does happen, then I will advise him to focus on checking whether this ridicule is really as terrible as he thinks.

As we said last class, if he finds that this kind of ridicule is not so terrible, it is also a new experience, which can help him take further action.

Above, we introduced the principle of running in small steps to you through a small case. Let's take a look at another successful case of applying the "small step principle": Alcoholics Anonymous.

Alcoholics Anonymous is probably the most successful organization in the world to help people change. The founder of this organization is Bill Wilson, who is an alcoholic himself and founded this organization after successfully giving up drinking.

Although he has been dead for more than 70 years, this association is still operating and expanding normally. Every year, 265,438+10,000 people come here for help, and as many as/kloc-0,000 people successfully quit drinking here. What did they do right?

Alcoholics Anonymous has the most famous twelve-step method. Its first step is to admit that there is nothing we can do about alcohol.

What does this mean? Just admit that you are out of control, so you don't have to focus on things that you can't control. Then, it uses the "small step principle" to make people focus on what they can control. It requires members to set a "one goal a day". In other words, don't think about the promise of abstinence from alcohol and alcohol for life. Just make sure you don't drink for 24 hours. What about in 24 hours? Another day.

This is how Alcoholics Anonymous explains the four-word motto "once a day". In most cases, we can't predict the turn of events, it said. No matter how well prepared the reality is, the result may still be caught off guard. The task we set for the future is too big, which makes us exhausted, overwhelmed and upset. Therefore, instead of thinking about the huge task in the future, it is better to focus on a small step in front of you and do it well. Because only in this way will the elephant take a step.

One of my favorite stories is this: Once upon a time, two monks, an old man and a young man, went down the mountain for alms, and when they returned to the mountain, it was already dark. The young monk looked ahead and asked the old monk anxiously, "Master, it's so dark and the road is so far. The mountains are full of cliffs and monsters. How can we go home with this little lantern? " The old monk looked at him and said three words calmly: "Watch your step."

This is the process of change. We have a destination in mind, but when we act, we can only see our feet clearly. Maybe one day, when you look back, you will find that you have come a long way.

The change I hope to make is that when my eldest daughter holds her wedding next year, I can successfully lose weight to about 48-50 kg (before giving birth to two daughters). I just asked my eldest daughter, and she said that she wanted to hold a wedding around 202 1 National Day, because the weather was fine at that time, and wearing a beautiful wedding dress would be ugly and freezing.

Suppose it is September of 202 1, and my weight has reached 49 kg. I will customize a beautiful and improved cheongsam, bobo head (it used to be like this, it looks good and suits me very well). At the wedding, there were my ex-husband (my daughter's father), a large group of people in my ex-husband's family, and Xu Hang's parents and brothers ... In short, many people who have known me for many years will marvel that my figure is still 28 years old, and I am thinking in my heart that Yu Lian has always been different from ordinary people (it is cool to think about it).

Imagine the first step I can take: get up early every day, run or walk 5 kilometers around the community, every day (except for heavy rain and illness, I walk with an umbrella when it rains)

Step 2: Try not to eat at night, even if you want to eat, you can't eat staple food.

The strategy is to control diet and exercise for a long time, so that you can have a strong body, not a "fat core" thin person.