Selected humorous jokes of husband and wife
1) A woman just gave birth to a baby, and her milk was too rich and bloated, but her son was almost asleep and couldn't find a breast pump. In desperation, she asked her husband to help her suck milk. It happened that an intern male doctor saw it and said, excuse me, madam, I don't know if you have the wrong baby.
2) "Son, you really gave your father a long face. You can't take the exam, can you Why write couplets on the test paper? The first part: It is too difficult for my son to write the questions. Bottom line: Sun Tzu's invigilation is too strict. Horizontal criticism: I won't. Your head teacher invited me to the office. I smiled when I saw the test paper. The teacher stared at me! A beautiful woman decided to spend a lot of money to lose weight. Spent hundreds of thousands, she felt very satisfied! On the way home, at the newsstand, she bought a newspaper and asked the boss when to change the money. Excuse me, how old am I? The boss said: She is so happy! Then she went to work as a laborer's salesman and asked the lady at the counter the same question. The young lady said: I guess she is so happy: no way! In high spirits, she went to Uni-President Supermarket on the corner and bought a pack of chewing gum. She couldn't help asking the counter lady there. Miss said: well, I guess she is too proud: thank you! While waiting for the bus, she asked the old man next to her. The old man said: I am blind, I can't see. However, there is one way to be sure when you are young. If you let me put my hand into your bra, I can definitely know your age ... "
3) A colleague divorced because he came home from a business trip and found his wife cheating. I asked him how he found out. He said: through condoms. I asked:? Why? There is no shortage of condoms. I kept it when I left and when I came back. ? What the hell was that? . ? I was Jasper when I left, and Durex when I came back.
4) When I first started working, I went to a far place on business. The first time I invited someone to dinner, I asked the waiter: Do you have sanitary napkins? The waiter opened his eyes wide, and the thief said, What? I repeated it again:? Sanitary napkins! ? The waiter said with a red face, we don't have it here. We must buy it if you need it. ? I wondered in my heart that the hotel didn't have sanitary napkins, so I made a mistake and bought them. After a long time, the waiter brought a pack of comfort and happiness with a shiny tray. I took the exam. What I wanted to say was napkins. I drank too much.
5) There are two fishermen's brothers, both of whom are married. But the family is poor and can only be together, and the two brothers share a fishing boat. Every night, the husband and wife's life is out of sync, the fishing boat shakes, and the two brothers feel distressed. After thinking for a long time, I reached a tacit understanding: take drinking as the number. Brother or brother said, let's have a drink together! At the same time, one day, after the two brothers finished playing, the younger brother Yu Xing said, Brother! Have another drink together! Brother replied: Brother, just one drink!
6) One day, the director of the Women's Federation came to a village to inspect the work. The following is his speech: Hello, everyone, you did a good job. I am a lout. How thick is it? Female village head, you know we talked all night last night. Later, she knew my length and I knew her depth?
7) I went to the qq farm to steal vegetables at three o'clock this morning. It happened that my ex-girlfriend's pomegranate was ripe, so I stole it mercilessly. I didn't expect to get up in the morning to go to work and open the qq space. I saw the message from my ex-girlfriend: If you were so energetic last night, I wouldn't break up with you.
One spring evening, a girl knocked on my door. I asked her who she was, and she shook her head without saying anything and began to take off her clothes. Since then, she will come on time every Wednesday without saying a word. A month later, the girl finally spoke: Director X, can I play this role? I pointed to the floor and said, Director X's house is downstairs, dear! ?
9) A beautiful young woman got on the bus in a tight skirt. Because the skirt was too tight to lift her legs and get on the bus, she secretly reached out and unbuttoned a button at the back, but still couldn't get on, unbuttoned another one, or couldn't get on, unbuttoned another one. But I still can't get up. At this time, a man behind him reached out and helped her unbutton a button. When the woman felt it, she turned to scold the man. Rogue! ? The man was very wronged and said:? I'm a gangster? You unbuttoned three buttons in front of me, and I didn't say a word. I only unbuttoned one button! ?
10) A couple snuggled up sweetly in the park. Men can't help stealing women's hair when they see it is so supple. The woman said sweetly: alas! I hate it! ? The man's heart itched even more, and he stole it again. The woman said, Well, no! ? Hearing this, the man's heart was about to fly, and he touched it again. Suddenly, the woman stood up and said rudely, don't touch it! My wig is falling off! ! ! ?
1 1) wife:? Didn't you call me an angel before marriage? Husband:? That's right. ? Wife:? Why don't you pretend to call me now? Husband:? Oh, honey, you should be happy. Now my mind is much more normal. ? Wife (on the boat):? If this ship is going to sink, will you save me or our children first? ? Husband:? Save myself first. ? Wife:? Last night, I had a sweet dream that you promised me a dollar to buy clothes. Honey, can you realize my dream? Husband:? Of course. As luck would have it, I dreamed last night that I gave you a dollar! ?
12) On the bus, a modern girl wore a low-cut dress and an airplane necklace. As soon as a young man got on the bus, he stared at the plane on the neck chain. The girl couldn't help but ask curiously, do you like this necklace, sir? The man replied:? Oh! No, I'm just admiring the airstrip. ?
13) I came home from work in the afternoon as usual and found my wife in a bad mood that day. The result was a close fight and an unhappy attitude. Everything I did was wrong. In the evening, things didn't get better, so I suggested that I go out and pretend to have just arrived home, and then start all over again, and my wife agreed. After I went out, I came in and said, honey, I'm back! ? Where were you just now? She snapped. It's already started. ?
Classic lovers' humorous jokes
1) A little girl went to the bakery to buy breakfast. She said to the boss: boss! Buy a chocolate doll. Boss: Do you want a boy or a girl? Girl: A boy doll, of course! Because there are a little more places to eat. A loving couple is celebrating their golden wedding anniversary. The middle-aged neighbor who was watching asked the old student first: "Why can you maintain a happy and beautiful marriage for 50 years?" I have never heard you quarrel since I was born. Have you never had any disputes between you? " "The old man said," of course there are disputes, but they will not expand. I learned this truth from my honeymoon trip ... I remember when the traffic was inconvenient, we went to the Grand Canyon for our honeymoon, and each of us rented a donkey. Her donkey was obviously lazy and soon rested by the side of the road. I only heard my wife say coldly, "The first time. When the donkey wanted to be lazy for the second time, she pointed to the donkey and said, "This is the second time. 』 ......
2) An old man, it runs in the family! I went home one day and bought one? Bullwhip? Food! When eating, my daughter-in-law thought this dish had a special image and a strange taste. Dad, what is the name of this dish? Unable to explain, my father-in-law said, eat, don't be in such a hurry! ? The daughter-in-law asked again, and the father-in-law had to answer: From animals! ? Daughter-in-law asked: Do you have it with you? Father-in-law replied:? Yes! ? The daughter-in-law asked again:? Do I have it on me? Father-in-law thinks a little and answers:? Sometimes, sometimes not!
3) The praise written by a female buyer to the seller of adult products:? I don't have the strength to write good reviews?
4) ? The ex-girlfriend has a good figure, tall and light. I can easily pick her up and throw her on the bed. Oh, I envy you! What was the result? Um ... . Too hard to leak?
5) My sister is on a business trip. In the evening, brother-in-law and sister-in-law chat in the living room. My brother-in-law asked: How much is your tax? Sister-in-law blushed and whispered, How much does it cost to sleep with my brother-in-law?
6) The church in the town is damaged, and the pastor hopes that everyone will donate enthusiastically! A young lady came up to the priest and said. I am willing to donate twenty thousand yuan! ? The priest replied:? I'm sorry, miss, but we can't accept your dirty money. We appreciate your kindness! ? At this moment, a group of men behind shouted:? Reverend, take it! That's not dirty money, that's our hard-earned money! ?
7) Woman: You rascal, why did you kiss me on the mouth for no reason? M: Sorry! When I was behind you, I saw that your back was no different from my wife's, so please forgive me. If you think this is an insult, you can take revenge.
8) I took my five-year-old brother to the movies, and suddenly there was a scene of the hero and heroine making out; They threw their clothes under the bed one by one. I turned my head nervously to see my little brother's reaction, but the situation was not as bad as I thought. Seeing my brother say that he is not convinced: Brother! Why can't they throw clothes and I can't?
9) The ophthalmologist looked at the patient's left eye and said confidently. Obviously, this is not just an eye disease, it reflects that your nervous system, liver, heart and blood circulation have all changed, so I think you need to wait, wait! ? The patient cried: Do you want to see my right eye? My left eye is fake, just a glass ball. ? In biology class, the professor is explaining the structure of sperm. When the professor said that the main component of sperm is glucose, a girl stood up and asked: Why is it not sweet at all? There was silence, and the professor said calmly: Because of the feeling of the tongue, the sweet taste buds are on the tip of the tongue, not at the root of the tongue. ? . . .
10) My buddy told me: Hey, it's so hard to be a woman. It hurts when I have my period! ? I want to know? Why do you say that? He looked around and whispered? At noon, I curiously used a sanitary towel and put it under myself. When I tore it off, I tore off countless hairs and screamed with pain. I looked at him piteously and said quietly, son, that thing is attached to underwear. You put it backwards? .
1 1) My wife is a twin. After several years of care, I finally kissed my sister-in-law. In front of my father-in-law, my father-in-law teased me that she was too similar.
12) The couple went out for an outing by bike. After they climbed a big slope with difficulty, the husband panted, this, this slope is really steep. It's really hard to climb. I'm exhausted! ? The wife echoed:? Yes, if I don't brake hard, we will slip. ?
13) wife: "what do you think of sex? Husband: "No opinions, but there are many ways. 」
14) One day, a classmate's girlfriend came to the dormitory to find him. It happened that he had something to do temporarily, and his girlfriend was sitting on his bed waiting for him. When she sat idle, she looked around. I saw a pair of calligraphy couplets hanging on the bedside: bloom is warm in spring, and one person enjoys endless happiness. The woman thought:? I didn't expect him to know calligraphy and appreciate flowers. ? Heart secretly pleased unceasingly, unknowingly eyes moved up, but suddenly was livid. See a horizontal batch: Long live the harem!
15) introduce my boyfriend to my best friend. At the subway station, I went with my best friend and met my boyfriend. In order to make my best friend feel that I have a close relationship with him, I tried to rush over and give him a hug, but my foot slipped and I fell forward in a panic and hugged my boyfriend's thigh, so the tragedy happened. My boyfriend was nearsighted and didn't recognize me at that time. He even shook his legs and said, no money.
Humor and hilarious jokes between lovers
1) Husband:? Don't take that strange dog with you when you go out. ? Wife:? I think that flower dog is very cute. ? Husband:? You must take it with you. Do you want to show your beauty through comparison? Wife:? You are so stupid. In that case, I might as well take you out! ?
2) The wife cried beside her dying husband, and the husband comforted her. Don't be sad! Maybe you will find your ideal partner again soon! ? The wife cried even more sadly. He said: Who would want an old woman like me? If you were like this before.
3) A lady and a football coach are about to get married. She knows that the game is always the most important thing for her husband. One day she was particularly depressed and blurted out, Frank, you'd rather miss my funeral than go to the ball game! ? Husband answered calmly:? Roberta, what on earth makes you think that I will arrange your funeral on a day when there is a ball game?
4) Mott? Sal is compassionate? Football widow? . Once, a woman asked him how to shift her husband's attention from TV to her. He replied: Wear transparent clothes. What if this doesn't work? She asked. ? Then put a number on your back! ? Shaer replied.
5) On the platform of the station, a couple are complaining to each other. The husband looked at the second bus that had already left and said to his wife, it's all your fault. If you hadn't dawdled, we could have taken the train. It's all your fault? The wife replied? If you hadn't been urging us, we wouldn't have spent a lot of time waiting for the next train. ?
6) female:? My husband and I have been married for seven years, and he has always treated me the same as on our wedding day. ? Woman b:? I heard you two quarreling last night! ? A woman:? Yes! My husband and I quarreled the day we got married. ?
7) The husband comes home from work and the wife prepares dinner. ? Honey, you can choose the dishes tonight. ? The wife said. ? What dishes do you have? Asparagus ? The wife replied. ? What are the options? Are you going to eat or not?
The bride is a very religious person. As soon as she got married, she put a sticker on her bedside: I need you every day. ? The next day, the groom put his note aside: Oh, God, please give me strength! ?
9) A couple traveled to England and lived in an old mansion. In the middle of the night, a strange sound came from downstairs. The wife said to her husband:? Can you go downstairs and have a look? The husband replied:? Not so good. Your English is better than mine. You'd better go and have a look. ?
10) One day, a young woman found the little god Li Si to complain. The marriage rules you made are so unfair! When a man doesn't need a wife, he only needs to high-five the sky three times; When a woman doesn't need a husband, unless he dies. ? What's so strange about this? If you want to leave your husband, all you have to do is find a way to get him to high-five to celebrate. Liz answered with a smile.
1 1) In a church in a small town, a group of people are attending church. Suddenly, a thick smoke rose, the devil Satan appeared, and people fled in panic. Only one old man sat still. Satan rushed up to him and asked him, who are you? How dare you not be afraid of me? ! ? What are you afraid of? Your sister and I are married. ? The old man said indifferently.
12) My wife is going to a wedding reception and asked me what clothes to wear to attract attention. I replied: red or white cheongsam. So she came to the hotel gracefully in cheongsam.
13) She came back to report in the evening and was really concerned today. People ask me: haven't all the dishes on our table been served yet? Miss, please provide some rice. Two bottles of beer! Excuse me, where is the toilet?
14) My wife forced her husband to go to sea, saying that he would not come back to me if he could not make a lot of money. Later, my husband made a lot of money, and my wife said, hurry ashore, dear! Husband said no, the mermaid in the sea bit me.