But I didn't watch an episode a few years ago. Even my own undergraduate thesis is related to positive psychology, but I still didn't read this course. In recent months, I have been in a bad mood. I began to think about some problems. After reading books about cognitive therapy, I feel that I am not addicted. Then I finally spent more than a month watching 23 classes on the bus to and from work! The course content is excellent, and the teacher is excellent. I simply fell in love with this teacher!
Ok, let me tidy up my homework next. (The following is not the whole content of the course, I just pick out the parts that I think are particularly good ~)
A few months ago, I began to realize my state. I was very happy in the interval year, but I became unhappy after returning to work in Guangzhou for a period of time; Traveling to Tibet is very happy, but after returning to work in Guangzhou for a while, it becomes unhappy; I was very happy when I first entered my favorite performance industry, but I became unhappy after being exposed to some magical things for a while. Then I began to feel a little desperate and felt that my happiness was unsustainable.
I can travel again now, I can volunteer in the mountains now, I can work and change places now, and I can do something that makes me happy. But I realized that the happiness I was pursuing was only a temporary pleasure. Over time, I became that unhappy self again.
Am I unhappy by nature? If I can foresee that what I do can only bring me temporary happiness, should I still do it? What's the point of life if you don't even pursue temporary happiness?
With these puzzles, I began to study this course.
What the teacher said in the last few classes just answered my question.
Everyone is born with his own basic happiness level, and external things just let his happiness level fluctuate around this baseline. For example, being admitted to an ideal school and getting a job you like will make you reach the peak of happiness, but after a period of time, it will drop to the original basic level; If you are unemployed, lovelorn and sick, you will be unhappy, but after a while, your mood will return to the original basic level.
In any case, it will eventually fluctuate on the original basis. So the point is, how to improve your basic level of happiness.
What factors determine this? How to change it?
1.50% is determined by genes. We can't change that.
2. The external environment only affects 10%. External things will only have a small impact.
3. The other 40% is determined by activities that can be controlled by consciousness. It refers to our thoughts, the way we look at the world and the way we understand things. And this part is what we should pay attention to and try to change. No wonder all philosophies and religions pay attention to inner cultivation, so they are very scientific.
There are two kinds of people in the world, those who seek benefits and those who find fault. They see this bad thing first and then that bad thing. As Emerson said: For different people, the same world is a hell and a paradise. If we want to make our world a paradise, we should try our best to pay attention to the positive side.
Teachers often say: "Problems lead to exploration." The questions you ask often determine what you will pay attention to. He also made a game to illustrate that everyone was given a few tens of seconds to look at a picture and let everyone count how many shapes there were. After the time ended, the teacher asked what color a certain shape was just now. At this time, almost no one can answer it, because it was not the focus of attention just now, so I didn't notice it. Similarly, if we only pay attention to the negative problems in our daily life, we may ignore many good things.
Reflecting on myself, in fact, I am a person who can easily think about negative issues. Why the world is so unfair, why my parents don't understand me, why I'm unhappy, why so many people don't obey the rules … If you want to change, you should ask yourself more positive questions: What makes me happy? What are the advantages of people around you? What is the performance of my parents loving me? Wait a minute.
Looking back at the reasons for my questions, in fact, many of them are from a negative perspective. When I ask negative questions, I will become more unhappy. Therefore, there is still a lot to learn and change.
The teacher also told his grandmother's story, which was very shocking and touching. I cried when I watched this paragraph on the bus. It is difficult to tell this story in words, so I cut this video (I told a story in 8 minutes).
"The problem is not how things are, but the way you look at them." I believe everyone has heard this sentence, but whether it can be used freely is another matter. The teacher also said that what he taught was actually common sense, but in fact common sense is not that common.
Many people think it is:
Things → emotions
But it's actually:
Things → Cognition of things → Emotion
So emotions are not directly caused by things, but by our cognition of things. What cognitive therapy should do is to change the cognitive process in the middle, thus changing our mood.
Take myself as an example. For example, when I am criticized, I get angry. If you use cognitive therapy, you need to check your mind rationally. Did I magnify the impact of this incident on myself? Did I just see others criticize me and forget that they often affirm me? Did I mistakenly think that everyone would understand me? Is this matter 100% under my control? When you know that your perception of things is distorted, you may feel that there is no need to be angry. (But it's really hard, especially for a sensitive person like me. I envy those who are naturally optimistic and peaceful. )
I recommend David Burns's Feel Good Handbook, which talks about quite a lot of cognitive therapy exercises.
People usually know how to cherish after losing it. When you are sick, you realize the importance of health; After losing relatives and friends, you will regret it; Only after experiencing misfortune did we realize how wonderful our previous life was.
Do we have to wait until after the tragedy to wake up? Don't!
We can pay attention to the small and beautiful things around us in our daily life and learn to be grateful. Teachers often say in class: "When we know how to appreciate, beautiful things will grow. When we don't know how to appreciate, we are deprived of beauty. " If we appreciate the good side of human nature, it will grow and we will have more. If we take everything for granted, good things will slowly wither.
In fact, this topic is really a cliche. But how many people can really do it? In my life, I often meet people who only complain but don't know how to be grateful, and I often meet people who don't even say "thank you". (well, I can't spit quickly)
But this is not born, it needs practice. I have seen the practice of introducing "gratitude diary" in countless books, that is, recording a few things that I am most grateful for that day every day. Although it seems a bit melodramatic, scientific experiments have proved that it has a significant effect on improving happiness and improving interpersonal relationships. I practiced for a month myself, and I felt very good. (I won't know until I try, hahaha)
Another teacher's famous saying: "learn to fail or learn to fail." There is no other learning method. " Life is a cyclical process, not a straight line. Failure is inevitable if you want to grow up. Whether it is individuals, interpersonal relationships, organizations or countries.
Research shows that organizations with high performance are those that allow employees to make mistakes and learn from them. So is the family. Families who are free to talk about failures and mistakes will be happier.
There is a conclusion that surprises me: if you praise your child for being smart, then ta may become a person who is afraid of failure and dare not try, because ta fails, which means he is not smart; If you praise your child's efforts, then ta will be more brave to try.
Therefore, praising people, especially children, should praise their efforts in the process, rather than just seeing the results, so that they will enjoy the process more.
The teacher also strongly recommended the book "The Road to marva collins" by African-American female teachers. All the students in marva collins are "problem students" (mentally retarded or disabled) that other schools don't want to accept, but they are all well taught by her in the end. She is simply a legend in the education field. She refused the invitation of the President of the United States to be the Minister of Education and stuck to the front-line education post.
No matter how "hopeless" the child is, she is full of faith. Tell them that I believe you can, but you have to work hard and don't be afraid. I love you, and I will accompany you. It is a sincere belief, not a superficial compliment. Children will feel your faith. Then the child's self-confidence is gradually established and he will like to learn.
The power of faith is very powerful. This is the psychological "self-fulfilling prophecy".
Think of a study I saw at Harvard University before. I have spent more than 70 years tracking the lives of more than 700 people, and researchers want to find out what kind of people will be happier. TED video is as follows:
The final conclusion is that it doesn't matter how one's background and achievements are. What makes us happy in the end is good interpersonal relationship.
It can be said that our intimate relationship is more important than anything in the world. Other things will make our happiness feel the peak, however, it will soon return to the basic level. And interpersonal relationship is one of the things that can make us happier.
Teachers also stressed that there is no shortcut to cultivating feelings. "If you want a relationship to thrive and succeed, we need to make a lot of efforts." .
How to invest specifically? There are too many books to finish, so there is not much to say.
I discovered a long time ago that there are several suggestions that are universally applicable to any situation. Want to be healthier? Want to feel better? Want better skin? Want to focus more? Want to have more self-control ... all apply!
In the class of positive psychology, the teacher also gave these omnipotent suggestions from the perspective of physical and mental relationship:
1. Exercise for 30 minutes four times a week.
2. Meditate mindfulness for 10 to 15 minutes every day (or at least take a few deep breaths every day).
3. Sleep 8 hours a day
4. At least 5 hugs a day, 12 is ideal.
Although it seems simple, it is not easy to really do it. It's really cool to be able to do it, hahahahahaha.
Everyone can do many things and have many things. But wouldn't it be better to have more?
Just like listening to a favorite music is a pleasure, but if you play two beautiful songs at the same time, it becomes noise. Too many good things are not necessarily good things.
Research shows that the abundance of time brings more happiness than the abundance of material. So you don't have to do much, just find out what you really want to do and put it into action.
Even if you find what you want to do, the greater the workload, the better. Rest is also important. Only by having a good rest can you regain your energy and work better. If you work all night, your IQ will drop 10. I feel that many companies have to work overtime now, thinking that the busier the better, it is actually unscientific.
If you want to make the world happier, you must be happy first. If you want to take care of others, you should take care of yourself first
I had dinner with a pregnant girlfriend the other day. That's what I told her. "It is more important to pay attention to yourself and the relationship between husband and wife. As long as you are harmonious and happy and support each other, children have nothing to worry about. In the atmosphere of love, ta will naturally form a healthy personality, which is more important than how much knowledge and skills ta has learned. "
The teacher also told an example of happiness transmission, if you can make three people smile, and these three people make the other three people smile respectively. Then as long as it is transmitted 20 times, all mankind will laugh. This is the exponential nature of social relations.
So being yourself and making yourself happy is equivalent to making a contribution to the world.
Back to my original confusion, I gained a lot after reading the course:
1. External things can have little impact. I should focus on the change of my heart, not the change of my external environment. So no matter where I am or what I am doing, I can be happy.
2. Pay attention to the beautiful things in daily life, cherish and thank them.
3. Reasonably identify your unreasonable cognitive style, so as to change the influence of things on my mood.
4. Accept that you are an ordinary person and it is normal to have any emotions. I will grow up after experiencing different things, just like if I wasn't in a bad mood some time ago, I wouldn't have finished this course seriously and learned so much.
Because of the limitation of writing, it may be written like chicken soup. But in fact, they are all conclusions and suggestions drawn from psychological scientific research. Only by understanding the operation mode of human psychology can we make ourselves happy.
I hope everyone can be happy.