I have a friend who came to me to solve the problem that has been bothering her for many years when she learned that I had studied psychology. She was that kind of woman at school. After she married her husband, she decided everything in the family.
Later, they had a son, because her husband was a man who only belonged to Nuo Nuo in her eyes. In her words, he lacked masculinity. So she really doesn't want her son, like her husband, to always instill in her children the idea that men should be brave and bleed without tears. But her son didn't do what she wanted. On the contrary, children became the last person she wanted to be.
In fact, her husband is gentle at most. Although he is not as heroic as Qiao Feng, he is by no means unmanly.
Because my husband and I are classmates, we will chat occasionally when we meet. Her husband said that a friend likes to be the master of everything, and she is not satisfied with everything she does. It is better to let her be the master instead of complaining.
My son, watching his father live under the pressure of his mother all day, must have no respect for his father. Since the father's behavior can't get the mother's approval, why imitate the father's masculinity?
No matter how tough a woman is, she can't be a man. There is an essential difference between women's toughness and men's masculinity. It doesn't mean that if we are more responsible and stronger, we will establish the image of a son of a mountain father. The result can only be that the son can't feel his father's love like a mountain and his mother's love like water.
Nature's yin and yang are in harmony, and the roles of men and women in the family cannot be unbalanced. Fathers and mothers can never have the same influence on their children, so don't try to replace them.
As long as the father and mother perform their respective duties, children will naturally form gender role identity in a subtle way. Instead of relying on the result of mother's blind emphasis, on the contrary, the more you emphasize and pay attention to his bad side, the more he will become the last thing you want.
There is an aunt in our community. When she was young, she was a unit leader, and she was at home to the letter. She wants to participate in her daughter's study, her daughter's college entrance examination, her daughter's work, and even her daughter's object.
The eldest daughter is almost forty now, and still can't do anything. She even needs her mother to prepare what clothes to wear when changing seasons. She just goes to work every day and doesn't even take the bowl to the kitchen after dinner.
The second daughter quarreled with her every time she came back. Once she ran downstairs angrily and told people in the yard that her mother was crazy.
The mother often complains about her hard life. The eldest daughter is lazy and idle, and the second daughter is a baiwenhang. Watching other people's old ladies travel around, but they can't get out of the kitchen.
You have taken care of everything the child should do. Will she get into the habit of doing her own thing? That one is out of control, but you think it's a baiwenhang, and you don't know what kind of child is suitable for her.
Before Han Han was 3 years old, her husband was hardly with us. Of course, he has little experience in raising children.
At first, when he returned to Xi 'an, I didn't trust him to lead Han Han out alone. I have been wondering if he will hold the baby's hand when crossing the street. Will you give the baby water on time?
Especially because he didn't dress the baby properly twice, and as a result, Han Han got sick, so I was even more worried about him.
However, when I really have something to do and have to give the baby to him, I find that everyone needs a learning process. I protect Han Han under my wings like an old hen, but the more she clings to me, the more afraid she is of being separated from her mother.
On the contrary, when I gradually let go and gave her to my father, I found that she refused to be hugged by her father and actually began to spoil her in her husband's arms. It has also become bolder and more confident, and her husband knows more and more how to take care of children and how to get along with them.
Think about the days when I have to go to class every weekend. When I gave Hanhan to her grandparents, every time I came back, the baby probably didn't comb her hair properly and didn't match her clothes properly. She definitely didn't sleep in the afternoon and didn't eat much, but she ate a lot of snacks.
But Han Han is not unhappy because of this. On the contrary, she has adapted to the life without her mother, and some even feel glad for the occasional indulgence.
When I can have time to listen to my class and do what I like, I suddenly understand a sentence: "Life is an art and a skill."
I used to regard life as art. If anyone doesn't do what I want, I will do it myself, only to please the people I like and to be angry with the people I hate.
But I'm also tired of myself. I even think my life is terrible. My mother can't help me with my children, and my mother-in-law doesn't want to take care of them wholeheartedly. In addition, our concept of parenting is also very different. Therefore, I can only insist on doing everything by myself.
However, can life be as we wish? It doesn't matter what configuration you want, it will give you anything. Just like after you take office, when the team provided by your boss is mixed, can you stay and do nothing? If everyone in the team is an elite, why should you be the leader?
When we are leaders in the company, don't we sometimes look at the faces of our subordinates? Then why can't we condescend to our relatives?
For the mother-in-law, for the husband, and even for the children, we think of them as a team, think of ourselves as leaders, rationally allocate posts, give play to the strengths and advantages of everyone in the family, and always be grateful. When you notice the good side of your family, you will find that he will get better and better as you wish. On the contrary, when you only focus on his bad side, he will get worse and worse as you wish.
More importantly, when you are strong enough to think that you are omnipotent, every member of your family will not only be happy and relaxed, but also say that you are trying to be brave.
Those "strong women" who look strong are actually very fragile. Because of her strength, life has become a mess. When life makes you in a hurry, it means that your lifestyle is wrong.
Try to be weak, learn to be weak, get a masculine husband, learn to be weak, and get a confident and powerful child. And you are too strong, your husband and children are naturally weak!
About the author:
Mama Han Han, a psychological counselor and a senior nurse, is a mother who loves reading and research. Advocate the grounded parenting concept and share the most practical parenting methods. Pay attention to baby feeding, personality cultivation, early education, parent-child reading and so on. On the way to parenting, we walk hand in hand, so that more mothers can take fewer detours.