Family conflicts are common to everyone. How can we live under the same roof without stumbling? Family conflicts are not terrible. The terrible thing is that I don't know how to deal with them. Here I write some personal experiences, hoping that everyone can find a way to deal with family conflicts.
First of all, I personally think that husbands play an important role in dealing with family conflicts and play a key role.
My father joined the army from rural Shandong and was very filial to my grandmother. He is also the eldest son of the family, and there are younger brothers and sisters. Neither of the two sisters is a fuel-efficient lamp, but he didn't make my mother suffer any injustice. How did he do it?
When my father married my mother more than 40 years ago, he was a cadre, joined the army in wartime, went to college, and was a poor peasant for three generations. He is a typical red expert. Although my mother is smart and beautiful, she comes from a capitalist background, so after marriage, they go back to my father's hometown to visit relatives. My mother is still a little worried and afraid of being wronged. But his father's performance completely reassured him.
My mother is a woman from a water town in the south of the Yangtze River. She is slender and delicate, which does not meet the aesthetic standards of the northern countryside. So her two sisters-in-law whispered in her mother-in-law's ear that my mother was in poor health, and I was afraid that she would not have children in the future. My grandmother studies languages for my father. Father was furious, but he couldn't say anything about my grandmother, so he scolded my two aunts in front of my grandmother: "I just like her." What's wrong with being a weak lesbian? " A scholar should be like this. If she is as rough as you, she can only work in the fields. "Scared my grandmother and aunt are out. You see, my dad is macho enough, but you have to see where his power goes.
The toilets in the rural areas in the north are very dirty, especially forty years ago, my mother didn't dare to go at all, so my father found a basin in the house to solve it for her and took it out calmly afterwards. I met menstruation, and she said with a puzzled look, "Brother, you are a big cadre, how can you give her shit?" Get her used to it. "Hearing this, my father handed the basin in his hand and said," Oh, you said I can't go, so go. She's your sister-in-law. You should. "My aunt was stupid at that time, so she had to pour my mother's bedpan and never dared to speak again.
At that time, my father was very famous in Shiliba Village, and everyone regarded him as a hero, so many people came. Grandma thinks my dad is definitely a character, and my mother is a great blessing to marry him. Being a cow and a horse deserved it, so I always wanted to crush my mother. As a result, one day my dad vomited a big truth after drinking. After drinking too much, he said drunkenly in front of everyone: "The most proud thing in my life is to marry such a well-educated and beautiful wife. There were many people who wanted to marry her in those years, all of whom were older than me. If she just follows me, even if she loses her mind, I can't make her unhappy. Except my mother, anyone who makes her feel wronged. Everyone was shocked. Although my grandmother has been given the privilege of letting my mother be wronged without sanctions, do you think she dares to use it? Do you think my father is drunk?
It was this first time that the rules were established, and there would be much less trouble in the future. Even if there are some minor twists and turns, my father always takes a clear-cut stand on my mother's side. So over the years, there have been few contradictions in our family. Why? Marriage means that two people live together, and the relatives in the husband's family are all outsiders after all. As long as their family members are United, there is no room for outsiders to speak. Even if nothing is said, my father will never allow outsiders to make irresponsible remarks about our family. He is a filial and disobedient person. He is very kind to my grandmother, but he never takes the old man's words as an imperial edict. He made it very clear: What does the old man know? She's confused. You can't confuse. As for brothers and sisters, if they are sensible and obey the rules, they will certainly help them. If they have wild ideas or sow discord, they will be sent away immediately, without mercy. So no one dares to speak ill of my mother in front of him.
I think my husband's position is too important. If he really wants to solve the problem, he can't. The key is whether he loves you or not, and whether he wants to stand up for you. The petty man who pretends to be a coward and looks at his wife's injustice is better to stay away. As for those who help their families bully their wives, divorce as soon as possible and leave their families childless.
That's why I don't believe such nonsense as splint gas. What can a man do if he can't even protect his wife? My father is a very sorry person. He comes from the countryside, but he never indulges the bad habits of his relatives in the countryside. He said that you can sing any song you want in the countryside, but you have to abide by my rules when you come to my house. He doesn't ask his wife and children to accommodate, because he thinks his wife also has her own living habits. Why should she accommodate others? It is a truth in the world that a person should accommodate others in his own home.
Therefore, relatives in my hometown sometimes go too far, and my father stares but dares not make any noise. We don't think life is too much trouble. A person can't choose his own birth, but he can choose his own life.
Also, to help others, you should do what you can, and you can't punch your face. Father's reasonable requirements for relatives can generally be met. He doesn't smoke or drink, scrimps and saves for his son and nephew to study, but he never asks his wife and children to give up their lives and help others. My aunt complained that my mother's coat could support a family for several months. But my father never thought that my mother should give money to my aunt instead of buying this coat. In his words, you have no worries about food and clothing, and I also pay for your children to go to school. What do you care what your sister-in-law wears? A person's life, you don't have to compare with her, you can't compare, and you can't engage in absolute egalitarianism. I don't object to finding a husband with a rural background, but I object to finding a husband with a poor family background who owes a favor, because if his college expenses are pooled by the whole family or even the whole village, and his brothers and sisters go out to work or even drop out of school to provide for his study, then you will face great difficulties. In this case, you have to help, or you will be ungrateful. I suggest you don't make trouble. If you really find something, you can only accept your fate.
Also, what I hate most about men is that our custom there is such an excuse. What is custom? A place can have its own customs. Don't talk nonsense about customs when you leave here, otherwise it will only make people laugh. Ethnic minorities can still rob relatives in their hometown. Try it in the city, you won't be killed, you rascal! ! ! Helping parents and brothers crush their wives with customs is purely an idiot. How dare you say that others don't respect you and look down on rural people? You know, people will humiliate themselves and then others will humiliate them. Don't say that your wife doesn't follow your customs there, which is not an insult to your family, even if it is an insult. Anyway, you deserve it. I have read some posts before saying that their daughter-in-law will kowtow to her parents-in-law and other elders during the Spring Festival, even the elders in the village will kowtow. The daughter-in-law doesn't want to kowtow, and the husband is unhappy. I thought she had no respect for her family. I think this kind of person just needs beating. Everyone in our family is a hard nut, and the younger generation has never had the habit of kowtowing to the living elders. Even the deceased elders have to see if they are kind and righteous to us. Not everyone can make us kneel. Why? It's too cheap. The customs in rural Shandong are very discriminatory against women. On formal occasions, women and children can't eat at the table with men, but only in the kitchen. But when my father took my mother home to visit relatives, Denton asked my mother to sit with my grandmother. Why? Customs are made by people, and people can break them. My father is a fearless man. Laws can only consider good customs, and unreasonable customs must be broken. Anyone who sticks to this custom is looking for a cigarette.
Relatives from the countryside come to my house. My mother and I not only eat at the dinner table, but if it's my mother's turn to cook, she doesn't understand. No one is allowed to move chopsticks at the dinner table around an apron. This is the minimum respect for housewives. What is custom? This is a custom in our family. My aunt didn't like it at first. My father said that you like to eat in the kitchen. Now go to the kitchen and squat. No one will stop you. Our family is very free. If you don't go, just sit here and eat your meal honestly. Don't be idle So I think it is very difficult for mother-in-law and sister-in-law. There are many things. They are used to it. Nobody cares about her and dares to speak. Anyway, over the years, I have never seen anyone dare to mess with my mother, and my father has stopped me.
Another excuse is also annoying, that is, the man said to his wife, "You have to listen to me in front of outsiders and my family. If you want to work more, just give me face." My father despises such people. He said that the soldiers' faces were made with real knives and guns, and they were bought with their lives. What is it like to pretend to be a bear outside and bully your wife at home? Of course, it's a little difficult for your sister's pigs to follow suit, but it can be extended to mean that men's faces are earned by making money, by achievements and by working. Anyway, do whatever you want, don't go home and look for your face, let alone your face, and you have no face. You should give him face in front of outsiders, and you should also give him face in front of your family. What about your own face? You have to be shameless.
My father has been a soldier all his life and earned enough face outside, but I have never seen him go home to look for his face. what should he do ？ He listens to my mother. In his words, as long as it does not affect the work, what are the principles? We all know that some people say that he is henpecked behind his back. What is this? My dad said that people are bumpkins, and he is not afraid. He is willing to do so, and no one cares. In fact, the atmosphere in the army is sometimes not very good. There is contempt for lesbians, especially their families, and some words are said, but no one dares to show any contempt in front of my mother. Why, my dad's attitude is there: not giving my wife face is not giving me face, which is more serious than not giving me face. So for so many years, from top to bottom, my mother has never been angry with others. She didn't even speak loudly, so others should listen calmly. Therefore, some women complain that their husband's friends and family don't respect themselves because your own husband doesn't respect you, so others dare to step on you. In this case, you must go home to find the root cause.
In fact, I think if a man can know how to love and respect his wife, the family atmosphere will be particularly good. My father-in-law is not a bad person, but rude and selfish, while my mother-in-law is weak and kind, and she is not less angry with her father-in-law. My husband's personality combines the characteristics of both of them. He is hot but kind, especially distressed by my mother-in-law, but he doesn't like the atmosphere of his family very much. When he first came to our home, he was very surprised. It turns out that there is such life in this world. Husband and wife can get along well, appreciate each other and attract each other. After more than 40 years of marriage, they still have fresh memories, and their lives are calm but not dull. They want everything together. And I get along with my parents like friends, introducing new things to my parents and sharing all the delicious and fun things. Everyone cares about other people's feelings and needs. At that time, I envied him very much, so my husband especially admired my father. When I was studying abroad, he went back to my parents' house to spend the New Year with two old people, and didn't go to his house until his senior year. On the one hand, he has to be filial to me, on the other hand, he really likes the atmosphere of our family.
We have been married for more than two years, and our family life has never been affected by external forces. Only my parents stayed twice, each time for three or four months, and everyone had no psychological burden. Everyone is very happy. As soon as my husband comes home from work, all social activities can be put off. He really can't push it. He called home early to ask for leave, and his colleagues said he was homesick.
In fact, after all, I think there is a sentence that is quite suitable for my father: "Ruthlessness is not necessarily a hero. How can Reiko Kobayakawa not be a husband? "
My brother and I both complained that my mother's cooking was terrible. But I was scolded by my father. My father said that your mother is not your nanny, just cook for you. Whoever doesn't like it can cook it himself. My father can't cook. He has never been in the kitchen in his life, so he never complains. He eats whatever my mother does. My brother and I are not content to be strong, so our food is good. Our family began to use nannies a long time ago, just because my father can't cook, and he doesn't want my mother to bear all the responsibilities. He thinks that men should not let their wives work as long as they have the conditions. So I can't hear the fallacy that you can't even cook and wash clothes, so what's the use of me marrying you? In our family, there is only one answer to what a wife is used for, and that is: a wife is used for love. I cook better, but that doesn't mean I should cook. The pig was happy to see me cooking when he came home from work, because he had something delicious. If I don't cook, he will do it happily, or we will go out to eat happily together, so I heard that some men get angry when they come home and see their wives don't cook, saying that they can't even eat a hot meal when they are tired for a day. I think it's strange. Who is not tired for a day? Who should cook for you? Do I owe you? What's the point of saying such a thing?
In fact, being a woman is really hard enough. The more society develops, the higher the demand for women. Used to be virtue and honor. Now, as long as they are professional women, they should be able to race horses on their arms, work half-dead, get equal pay for equal work (except for civil servants and other occupations), and so on. If you marry a small man with a small skill and a big temper, and then bring a family of unkind husbands who have never seen the world, you will be warm and considerate when you go home, and there will be tea, rice, soup and clothes all the year round. If you can't do anything, someone will complain and want to find fault with you at any time. I really don't know how to live this life. I don't know how they put up with it, and I don't know what it is necessary to put up with it. I hate to hear the argument that "long is bitter, short is life", at least I don't like to quote this argument as my excuse in this case. What are you doing? Who can't live without you? If a man can't love you, support you or help you, what's the use of your coming? My request for marriage is simple. I want nothing for wealth and power, but these should not be obtained through marriage, but through my own efforts. I just want a man who puts me first in everything. If he thinks that parents and brothers are connected by blood, and everyone is more important than his wife, then he should be wronged for their wife. I'm sorry, let me be cruel and let their family breed in their own nest.
The key is that girls should understand in their hearts that even if they love someone again, they can't let them rely on love to commit crimes and trample on your self-esteem and warmth. I can't stand his family being rude to you. To marry a person is to marry a person, which has nothing to do with his family. I advocate being kind to his family, but only if they reciprocate with the same kindness. If his family doesn't know how to respect themselves and thinks that his daughter-in-law is an accessory of his son, all the money and efforts are deserved, and they can't give me corresponding respect and return. Sorry, I don't know you. You are not welcome in my family, and I never want these people to appear in front of me. If my husband can coordinate the relationship and understand my situation, we can still live our own lives. If he is indiscriminate, he thinks that the younger generation should make way for the older generation. Everything his mother says is right. I'm sorry, you should leave here together. Growing up, others praised our family's good family education, but my parents never asked me to be unprincipled and tolerant of the older generation. Filial piety is the best I can do. Even if I get married, I am a completely independent personality. My principles will not change at all. My parents gave birth to me and raised me for more than 20 years, which didn't make me suffer any injustice. If I marry someone, I have to swallow my pride and do something that my parents can't do. Knock out my front teeth and swallow them in my stomach. If my father knew, he would knock out my front teeth first. Why? What a bitch! ! !
When I got married, I didn't ask my in-laws for a penny, nor did I ask my parents to give me a sum of money. My good girl didn't wear a wedding dress, but I will never forget a word from my parents. My dad said that I should be filial to my parents-in-law, and don't let others laugh at your parents for not teaching you well, but if they slap you for no reason, don't put up with it once, and there will be a second time. What was the result? His father was right. My father-in-law has nothing to do with this. He wants to suppress me, give me a scare, and things will be big. My mother said at that time, don't think that the water spilled by the married daughter won't be angry with others even at home. After my dad asked about things and confirmed that I didn't do anything wrong, he asked my husband to think things over. My husband wanted to understand at that time. Since then, I have never seen my husband's family again, and they can't come home, but we have paid all the alimony for the elderly, as well as all the medical expenses for my father-in-law's illness, and we have also funded the children's nephew to be admitted to the university. On holidays, if my husband wants to go back, he will go back by himself. I won't come to the door again. You can't afford to hide if you don't mess with me?
Now our life is very good. Sometimes, I think, the wisdom of the elderly is really extraordinary. If my father had kept me patient at that time, the result would definitely be that my father-in-law pushed his luck and kept interfering in our small family. My husband is in a dilemma. When I retire, I will fight back when I can't. It must be a lose-lose. Even if I don't get divorced, I don't know how to live in the future. So I advise all married or unmarried sisters to be modest when they get along with their in-laws or boyfriends, and never give in when they are provoked. That's testing your bottom line. If you let others go one step further, they will inevitably be pressed step by step and eventually form an alliance at the gate. Well, even if you get married, it doesn't make much sense.