Author Xie Danru
Photography Xie Danru
1.
I still remember when I was a child, my teacher would arrange some activities that were very positive, warm and emotional for them, especially on Father's Day, Mother's Day, Teacher's Day and other festivals.
At that time, I was ignorant and didn't know how to do it, especially in rural areas and backward villages. Parents, many parents have never read a book and can't read a few words. Chatting with friends on weekdays is mostly in my hometown dialect, and ours is mainly "Hakka dialect" because I am from Jiangxi. Even if the teacher sometimes calls our parents, we can't communicate normally. Because most of the teachers in the school are not local.
Of course, these are not the point. After all, their main task is to educate us. Perhaps it is for educational purposes, or it is also educating us to grow up and instilling good ideas into us. In short, they will give us some "homework" during the holidays. For example, say "you have worked hard" to mom and dad, wash their feet once and write a feeling, and say "I love you" to mom and dad.
Originally, this is extremely common in big cities, or more civilized cities, or countries like the West. Even watching American TV shows, you can often see and hear them. But there seems to be no word "love" in our language. Even, I have never heard their pronunciation since I was a child, that is, "you have worked hard", and more often it is changed to "thank you" and "sorry for your trouble".
In a word, it seems that speaking in hometown dialect is always expressed in a negative way. Instead, it went round and round. Sometimes even to put it mildly, I don't know what I'm saying. For example, we may be able to say "I'm sorry" easily in Mandarin. However, in my hometown dialect, I often use "I'm sorry" instead. Even after so many years, I still don't know how to say "sorry" in my hometown. Of course, "thank you" is the same.
Therefore, it can almost be said that since I was a child, I have never sincerely thanked or apologized, and I have never really said "I love you" or "you have worked hard".
Of course, these gratitude and apologies can be realized, but the way we deal with them is often to make up for the lack of language with actions, sincerely express gratitude and apologies, and replace them with practical benefits.
Therefore, it is not difficult to imagine how embarrassing the homework assigned by the teacher was for me, even for most people. Fortunately, the teacher doesn't seem to care so much about the homework itself, and neither do we. Better get away with it. Even if you can't, it doesn't matter Anyway, parents don't understand or know.
Perhaps it is such a unique symbol of civilization and unique environment that leads to the lack of "love education", and we are all used to this conservative and euphemistic expression. Instead, it is that kind of open and direct expression, which is considered shameful and impolite. Perhaps it is for this reason that men in our country often show a dull and submissive character, while women show a dull feeling of being conservative or insensitive.
Of course, these are all childhood memories and impressions, and they represent nothing. Especially in recent years, with the collision and integration of civilizations and the progress and development of the times, people's thinking has also changed, naturally showing a new look. Another kind of sophistication.
Perhaps because of the above reasons, I feel kind and close when I read "Monk Liu". It's easy to bring back many past events: about hometown and parents, it's easy to see your own shadow from Ni Hui. Once, as now, I didn't realize that my shadow was hidden in my bones.
2.
Over the years, I haven't seen or heard many complaints about "coming from a family". These complaints are all about the misfortunes brought by family background, such as lack of love, material things, inferiority and so on. Figuratively speaking, it's like pointing the finger at the culprit-our parents.
Most parents don't watch these. Not understanding is one thing. On the other hand, when we grow up, they pay more attention to our marriage, career and health. One of the most obvious is that the links of various health articles are constantly sent to mobile phones and friends circle, and even the voice of 60s is particularly emphasized.
Naturally, my parents won't send me these because they can't read them themselves. However, they will also use other forms, such as phone calls, all kinds of explicit hints, beating about the bush, avoiding the door and playing hard to get. They can't wait to use all the "36 plans". The key point is that the reason behind it turns out to be, "We are doing this for your own good."
I think many people have probably heard this sentence. Some people interpret it as kidnapping in the name of love or moral bondage. In fact, in their eyes, this is love, and it is also for our own good, so they are worried about us, our career, our family and our health everywhere.
This is their responsibility, their obligation, their mission, even their motivation to live, their care and love. Anyway, that's what my parents take for granted
Maybe it's because their parents are the same. When they understand love, importance, kindness and "heart", they naturally graft on themselves and then love us in this way.
So they often say, "When you become a parent yourself, you will understand."
Unfortunately, this kind of love has been charged in the name of love. And we also take this seriously, and attribute the past misfortune and present misfortune to this kind of love and this kind of crime. Don't like and complain, even hate.
Of course it's different now. In the past, parents' marriages were often "arranged marriages", and they were all married at a young age, especially early. Some get married at the age of 15 or 16 and have children at the age of 17 or 18. And their main task is how to live, busy all day. What kind of love and feelings are happier than a delicious meal? As for children, this is even more true. It's not easy to raise children, let alone several children. In this marriage, women also need to bear corresponding responsibilities. They have to take care of farm work, families, children and even the elderly.
As for the purpose of having children, whether it is to reproduce, to raise children for old age, or to be famous, in short, few people say it is out of love. Because they don't have that condition, and because they are still in a confused state about what "love" is. Besides, they have no choice or dare not. The eyes of the world are far more terrible than imagined, especially in a closed environment and backward civilization.
This is especially true for children, who have no choice. They were born human, and we all have no choice. There is no choice at birth, and there is no family. But does this mean that we can really blame all this on our parents? Do we also need to reflect?
Especially in today's civilization, we have all grown up. In the final analysis, our parents don't trust us. If we can really be independent and bear the burden of life, I think few parents will deliberately make things difficult for us.
We may be immune to the cliche that "being poor means thinking about change", but come to think of it, who is not a first-time parent? Even if not, everyone is different after all, different individuals, independent individuals. They may really lack the "education of love", but what about us civilized people who claim to be civilized? Can we do better than them? Do we know love? In my opinion, not necessarily.
3.
The novel Monk Liu gives me a strange feeling: it is both familiar and unfamiliar, both kind and exclusive, and I am afraid and can't help but pay attention to this "life". Give me a fear of looking in the mirror, a fate-like entanglement. There is no doubt that I am afraid of being the person in the story, the ending of the story and the regret that will happen to me. That is fear of parents, fear of oneself, fear of fate, fear of tomorrow.
In the novel, Ni Hui's parents have passed away for many years, leaving only an old mother who is getting dementia. And herself, a woman who is going to be a senior three, just got divorced a month ago. The man wanted a house and left a semi-old Citroen.
Mother gradually moved forward, divorced, lost her house and finally lost her job. Although I left my job voluntarily, I'd better leave myself a decent one in the end.
"Her insurance company has increased its workload and is run by a group of fresh girls. She didn't finish the task for two months. "
All this is like a punishment from heaven, as if all the bad things are concentrated on this woman who is no longer young.
Finally, in the fourth grade, she decided to go crazy and drive her mother back to her hometown. Back to Shanxi, which she had never seen before. This is also the wish of the old lady. She has been wanting to go home for forty years.
I was wandering in a foreign land and couldn't help myself. Originally, going home should be "returning home with clothes on", but for Ni Hui, which one is her home?
Her own family, broken and divorced. In her family of origin, there is only one poor old lady who lives alone with herself. Hometown, after all, is the hometown of parents, and their roots are there. Now she is more like a rootless ping, just drifting with the flow.
When my mother goes back to Shanxi, she naturally hopes to "return home with clothes on." Even if not, for her who loves beauty all her life, she needs to pretend to "dress and return to China." Because that's her wish, her memory and her fetters are all there. Her former lover is there.
So my mother spent a month's pension and bought many gifts. Although they are all worthless things, they still look a bit like it. In addition, she bought a man's leather bag at 500 yuan's expense.
They all say that "there is no filial son in front of the hospital bed for a long time." Ni Hui's personality is more like her father's, and she is silent. The more painful she is, the more she can't say a word. Crying in front of mom is an ability. She can't learn. It's too late for her to learn it. From a very young age, there is a tacit understanding between her mother and father, that is, it seems a shame to express their feelings. They will never tell each other that I love you. None of them can learn. Besides, she will never communicate with people in the right way.
Mother is sick, depressed, insomnia, and even gradually moves towards dementia. At the same time, it is accompanied by obesity, amnesia, and the willfulness and irrationality of many children born with age.
That's it. Two poor women, poor mother and daughter, lived alone and tortured each other. Therefore, going back to my hometown this time does not rule out the meaning of "compensation". Is this the only thing a daughter can do?
However, after returning home, what about it?
There, they can only stay with their relatives, even if they eat a few meals or stay for a few days, they need to spend money, and when they spend money, they have to look at people's faces. Relying on the taste of others, the warmth of home, and the so-called affection, the mother's brother has long been demented and has long forgotten his mother. Even if my mother saw her former lover, things would have changed a long time ago. Finally, my mother didn't give away her wallet.
It seems that the only comforting thing is that my father is finally a soul with a hometown. This is "monk Liu".
"Guliu is like a group of monks dressed in black."
"There is a grave under every tree."
4.
Whether it is the native city of Hunan or the hometown of Shanxi, there seems to be nothing to miss for the poor mother and daughter.
Live blindly, sometimes live, even if you live blindly, you must continue.
"In fact, only rich people are noble and elegant."
After all, everyone lives alone. Life, hometown, memories, former lovers, affection and love are more like a burden, an unbearable weight of life, and also the whole meaning and truth of life. However, they exist and are real. For Ni Hui and them, it seems that only a group of "old monks" wrapped in black are witnessing all this. For people in my hometown, it seems to be the same, from generation to generation, from ancient times to the present.
Until they became one of the monks.
At the end of the novel, they decided to return to Hunan, even though they had no home there.
"Although I was alone in Hunan, I couldn't understand what I said there for so many years, but I didn't have to rely on others or look at people's faces there, so I died in Hunan."
"I have always felt that I am a guest in Hunan for so many years. Now I know that I am also their guest here, and they will not let me stay here for a long time. Unless someone like your father is dead. "
However, in the end, they lived in Shanxi for a long time like her father.
On the way back to Hunan, I met my mother's old lover again, and there were two people with him. Only this time, he didn't come to say goodbye, but for the blind life of his family.
"The car is good, stay, people can't stay, they will call the police."
In this way, the bodies of a mother and daughter were thrown in the gloomy willow forest.
"You and your dad are the same, and your heart is very good, but you will never say it. Guys. I want to hear a personal word from him, but I have never heard it in my life. "
Ni Hui's "Sorry" didn't come out before.
5.
In fact, I couldn't get over it for a long time after reading this novel.
It's hard to say what kind of story the novel Monk Liu tells. The specific plot is trivial, but it also feels real. Subtle truth, real pain, profound truth.
Ni Hui developed after her father's model. Her "sorry" is not only what she wants to say, but also what she says for her father.
"She wanted to say sorry to her mother anyway. For her sake, and for her dead father's sake, an honest father may feel worse than her when he was alive, but I still want to say sorry for him. She understood that he just couldn't say what he had never had time to say. "
In fact, over the years, I have been thinking, waiting, trying my best to make up for it, thinking of pleasing, thinking of "atonement." I can't say anything about my mistakes, rebellion, prejudice and myself. Of course, it's much more than that.
In the final analysis, no matter whether it is because of blood relationship, long-term companionship, or the reincarnation of my parents when they grow up, no matter what the reason, it will always be the fetters of life for me.
In fact, from a rational point of view, does saying sorry really have so much to do with getting an apology and a personal remark? But judging from the novel Monk Liu, this sentence "I'm sorry" contains too much content.
The only way is: "seemingly heartless but affectionate, I don't know its depth."
Mu Xin said: "I really think the world can be forgiven, but I don't know who to forgive." Times have changed, and those people have long since vanished. Who should I forgive? "
Borges said: "I never talk about betrayal and forgiveness. Forgetting is the only betrayal and forgiveness. "
As for the novel Monk Liu, it is more like a concern and a memory than a story. Like a mirror again. Pay attention to such people, record such a life, some regrets, record such a pain, a deep feeling. And this mirror, through time, through the past, to see the heart, for introspection.
I don't think I will forget about The Willow Monk. I will remember it for a long time.