Why do you still miss your ex after breaking up? Let's see what made you think of breaking up and getting back together.
Sense of loss: When a person is lovelorn, divorced, or a relative dies, he will feel that he has lost his original state of life and his unique emotional connection with this person. This feeling is a sense of loss.
In intimate relationships, the two sides have many common memories. Their thoughts, behaviors, emotions, goals, values and communication patterns are all built around their partners and form a part of themselves. When two people are separated, people will feel lost. Those unforgettable thoughts, warm hugs and kisses, all the happy fragments no longer belong to you, and you will suddenly feel that you don't know who you are. This kind of loss will be accompanied by complex emotions such as sadness, anger, guilt, regret and loss, which will urge you to get back together.
Moreover, in a long-term stable intimate relationship, a person is "defined" in the relationship, and in different relationships, he will develop and present different self. For example, with this person, you may appear strong and independent, and with another person, you may become an innocent girl. Once the relationship ends, this defined role no longer exists, which will also make people feel lost.
Frustration and jealousy: Sometimes, as the one who is broken up, there will be a strong "frustration". "How can you break up with me when I am so kind to him?" , "why do you want to break up first? If I want to break up, I should mention it first, or see that the other party has a new relationship, "you are not suitable at all." Where is she better than me? Inner frustration and jealousy will make you want to get back together to prove yourself.
Unfinished feeling: not all breakups are like movies. Two people are sitting in a coffee shop, talking about breaking up face to face. Sometimes, in order to escape the guilt caused by breaking up, people choose to leave without saying goodbye, or even directly delete WeChat and phone calls, and it is difficult for the person who broke up to have a real sense of accomplishment.
In this case, psychology defines it as "unfinished event", accompanied by unwillingness, doubt and regret. It is like a thorn in your heart, so that you can't die or live well. It makes you want to finish it and get back together. Only by saying goodbye to the past can we really start a new life. Even if you really want to break up, you should give yourself an explanation.
Sense of connection: after breaking up, the party who broke up may still feel a continuous sense of connection with the other party, and will still miss TA constantly and feel that he loves TA. Things I often see and people I think of, even if I pass by a street and listen to a song together, my thoughts get worse. This lingering emotional inertia is so real that it constantly drives you to find various excuses to contact your ex, express your love and try to get back together.
There is no better choice: sometimes if there is no better choice after breaking up or there is no new partner around, you will want to get back together and just want to make do with it.
Is second time around all right? When the impulse to get back together comes to mind, the first question you think of is "Is it possible for us to get back together? 」
In fact, if you calmly analyze your last relationship and then analyze it from the following three main factors, you can judge whether it is possible and necessary to save it.
The first factor: Why did you break up?
In the world and eat drink man woman, there are all kinds of reasons for breaking up. Typical situations are as follows:
First, one party's behavior broke through the other party's bottom line and brought great harm to the other party. Such as domestic violence and mind control. The controlled people become suspicious of themselves, or feel worthless, lose their dignity and fall in emotional entanglements.
If you broke up because of the above situation, even if you love TA now and miss TA again, you don't need to consider getting back together. The representative case is Bao Li, a girl from Peking University who shocked the whole country. She was controlled by her boyfriend's mind, broke up and got back together several times, and finally committed suicide.
Second, the two sides have an emotional foundation, but they broke up for realistic and objective reasons. For example, in a long-distance relationship, parents object to interfering with the breakup.
Third, because of the friction in communication and life, no one will give up and break up because of anger.
If you want to get back together in the latter two cases, the question you need to think about is, can the problems between you be solved?
For example, long-distance love, can you find a way to live in a city? How to better communicate with parents when encountering opposition and interference?
Xiao Yuan, a little brother in Qingdao, came to me for help three months after we broke up. He is a warm man with a strong heart and many talents. His other half, Rong Rong, is a Beijing girl, cute and knowledgeable. Rongrong's parents didn't want their daughter to get married and leave Beijing in the future, so they strongly opposed their being together, which led to their breakup.
After a detailed understanding of the situation, I found that they were mainly opposed by the woman's parents, and there were no other serious contradictions. The emotional foundation is very good. This kind of breakup belongs to "emotional breakup", and both parties will suffer. If two people can't let go of this relationship, they should face it together and solve the difficulties together, instead of "calling it a day." If they miss a good marriage, they will even regret it for life.
So I gave him advice: for love, restore contact with Rong Rong, make up your mind, and persuade her to work together with herself to win recognized happiness; Out of responsibility, impress the other parents with sincerity.
As I said, he took the initiative to express his firm desire to be with the girl's elders, and explained the solutions to their worries and possible objective problems one by one, and asked his parents to come to Beijing in person to explain in detail the family economy, housing and other concerns of the girl's parents, and also expressed their love for Rong Rong. They are always welcome to visit their daughter in Qingdao, and they can stay as long as they want ... They have successfully reunited and now live together.
In fact, the convenience of transportation has greatly shortened the distance between cities, and the development of communication has also enabled people who are far apart to meet at any time through video chat. Their decision to get together and their ability to solve the problems they may face in the future make it possible to persuade their parents.
For another example, in life, you often feel wronged because the other person can't understand your feelings, or you can't accept the other person's family, which leads to quarrels. How to solve the contradiction between you? Who wants to make a change?
Each of us comes from a different family, bearing the trace of family of origin's growth, and we will unconsciously seek compensation for the missing part of family of origin in our emotional relationship. I once coached a couple who broke up like this: Yi Xuan, a girl, grew up in a patriarchal family, and all the good things and delicious food were given to her brother since childhood, and no one in the family cared about her feelings and grievances. Yi Xuan knows how to take care of people, which deeply attracted Yang Hang, and they fell in love.
After breaking up, Yang Hang couldn't forget this relationship. He came to me and hoped that I could help him. After listening to his explanation, I first led him to realize where the root of the contradiction between them came from, what their respective needs were, how to let go of selfishness in intimate relationships, how to empathize, and how to get along with each other.
Yang Hang realized that all her previous performance in getting along was because she was too "self-centered", and she regretted it when her lover lost. With my encouragement, he got in touch with Yi Xuan again, and sincerely said that he realized the shortcomings of what he had done before, and showed his mature side, caring about Yi Xuan, and they came together again.
In fact, in intimate relationships, the first thing a woman needs is to be loved, and the first thing a man needs is to be affirmed. Only by deeply understanding and doing this can the two sides establish a long-term and beautiful intimate relationship. Of course, if it is possible to solve the problem, but no one is willing to change it, then it is very likely that you will be separated again because of the same problem after you get back together, which is undoubtedly a secondary injury to both sides.
The second factor: your value to TA.
In intimate relationship, the value of each other to each other includes external value (face value, economic income, education, family conditions, etc. ) and intrinsic value (personality, temper, hobbies, love, etc. ).
You can take stock, what are your values to your predecessor, and whether TA recognizes some of your values. Sometimes, two people break up because of contradictions, which are hasty and impulsive. The other party thinks that some places are inappropriate, such as bad temper, which magnified the contradiction in a quarrel, but generally recognized your value. As long as you convince the other party that you can get rid of the original shortcomings, there is a great possibility of getting back together.
Let's look at a case: Chen Fei lives with his father because his parents divorced when he was a child, and his father was very busy and seldom took care of him. The girl Sisi comes from a harmonious and loving family. Chen Fei thinks Sisi's home is particularly warm and smells like home. Sisi was spoiled at home when she was a child, so she was a little headstrong, while Chen Fei was not good at expressing her feelings in words because of family reasons. They broke up after a quarrel.
After breaking up, Sisi felt that she couldn't let go of this relationship and asked me for help. I helped her analyze and sort out what value each other brought to each other and listed them one by one. Originally, Sisi recognized Chen Fei's value in their relationship, and she and her family could make Chen Fei feel the best affection and love in the world, which Chen Fei had never experienced in Descendants, and was also the most lacking in his life.
Realizing this, Sisi felt it necessary for both sides to get back together. She followed my advice. First of all, she got rid of her wayward temper and stopped blaming each other at will. Instead, she gave Chen Fei more love and acceptance, and finally succeeded in saving this relationship.
Whether external or internal, if the value you can provide to the other party is very low, and you are unwilling or unable to change it, it will be more difficult to get back together. For example, girls' external conditions are average, and their personality is particularly strong and willful, or some boys' conditions are average and selfish. This kind of reorganization is unlikely.
The third factor: what kind of person is the other person?
Judge whether your predecessor belongs to these three kinds of people.
People with high self-esteem: People with high self-esteem will feel a strong sense of shame and anger if they are broken up. Breaking up is an absolute rejection and denial for them. They will turn this sense of shame and anger into disgust and avoidance of the other half, and repair the damaged self-esteem by never returning to the grass.
People with strong subjective consciousness: In life, there are many people with strong subjective consciousness, which is a self-centered performance. In intimate relationships, there is often a psychological state and behavioral tendency centered on self-awareness. Simply put, it is "eat other people's stomachs with your own heart" or "impose what you want on others". They often impose their subjective ideas on each other, or think that their personality cannot be changed, and label the other half according to their subjective consciousness, for example, this person is introverted and that person is irresponsible. Once someone is labeled, it is considered irrevocable.
Of course, this label is arbitrary and subjective. And such people will be more inclined to affirm their self-knowledge after breaking up and think that two people are not suitable in essence. For example, when talking about the reasons for breaking up, they will say that two people have different personalities, different opinions or some reason imposed by themselves. Even if such a situation is barely reunited, it is almost foreseeable that it will be the same ending.
A boy once asked me for help, and his girlfriend was very kind to him. One Friday night, he made an appointment to have dinner together. As a result, the company informed him that he needed to catch up on the project on Friday afternoon and work overtime at night. He canceled the dinner with his girlfriend in advance, and received a breakup message from his girlfriend when he got home from work overtime. The reason is that she sneaked into his company building at night and found him talking and laughing with a female colleague while working overtime.
The boy repeatedly explained that he was just an ordinary colleague, talking about things at work. The girl insisted that they looked at each other with different eyes and firmly believed that he was cheating. After in-depth communication with boys, I found that girls often suspected him of cheating inexplicably before, and this time I felt that I finally caught the "evidence".
So I told him that his ex-girlfriend is not only a person with strong subjective consciousness, but also a person with strong suspicion. Once such a person doubts you, she can find many reasons to deceive herself and only trust her own judgment. This situation is not suitable for getting back together, she will bring you harm again.
Rational people: those who are more rational and calm in life and tend to be rational and logical in making decisions and solving problems are unlikely to "break up passionately" because of impulse. When they make a decision alone, they must be well thought out, which means that they will not change their decision easily.
Xiaoqiu is a white-collar worker with outstanding looks. Although she is 35 years old, she doesn't feel any anxiety or hesitation about her age, marriage and future. She knows exactly what kind of life she wants and what qualities her Mr. Right needs. When she felt that although Mr. Cheng had a successful career, she didn't understand romance or her, she broke up resolutely.
Everyone around Xiaoqiu advised her not to break up. After all, her age is here, and Mr. Cheng is capable and loyal to her feelings. Xiaoqiu decided to break up after careful consideration, because she knew exactly what she wanted, pursued her own romance, didn't hate marriage, didn't worry, and looked forward to the arrival of romantic love gracefully. Therefore, when Mr. Cheng tried to save it, he was rejected.
When is the best time to get back together after breaking up? Many people say that after breaking up, don't delay. The sooner you get back together, the better. Actually, it's not. This statement is partial, and every relationship has its particularity, which should be judged according to the actual situation.
I have summarized three typical states after breaking up. See them first, and then decide when to get back together.
A. Soon after breaking up, both of them have the will to get back together. B. After breaking up, they have maintained some kind of contact, which may be friends or an affair. C. after breaking up, go their separate ways and ignore each other. They will get back together soon, which mostly happens to men and women in love, and can basically be classified as a disguised flirting and interest interaction. Sometimes it is also used as a means to test each other's feelings for themselves. Pretend to break up and see your attitude towards me. I expect you to coax me quickly and let me know that I have a very important position in your heart, so as to get a strong feeling of being loved.
There are "manufacturing" ingredients here, but if you play too much, you will get angry and your feelings may disappear!
In fact, there is no certain time and state for reorganization. There is no situation that it is impossible to reorganize after a certain stage, or that a certain state is easier to reorganize. Generally speaking, the stage of high success rate of compounding is when the other party has no negative feelings for you and no new relationship.
"The other person has no negative feelings for you", which is the key point. Because in psychology, there is a psychological effect called "recency effect", which is the psychological effect of recent stimulation to promote impression formation. For example, in an intimate relationship, there are both beautiful fragments and unforgettable memories, but the decisive factor of the final impression is the new stimulus or scene that appears later.
In other words, when a person has experienced all kinds of beauty and romance of each other, but quarreled fiercely or left a very unpleasant experience when breaking up, the final impression will be higher at the end than in the middle. Especially when breaking up, the two sides or the other side say too much and do too many things because of emotional excitement, then this kind of pain is even more unforgettable and will produce great negative emotions, which will be vivid in retrospect.
Therefore, we must accurately identify each other's emotional window, and then take the initiative to save it, otherwise it is "the timing is wrong, everything is in vain."
Therefore, it is the best time to try to get back together when the other person's emotions have passed the fluctuation period and relaxation period and reached a calm and stable period. At this time, it depends on the particularity of the relationship you have experienced, the final state when you break up, and the personality of the other party.
This time may be a week after the breakup, or it may be a few months or even half a year after the breakup. The longest breakup cycle I have ever experienced is five years. When the parties broke up, the man made a very radical move and said something that hurt the other party very much. For five years, the two sides have not contacted each other, but they have not deleted WeChat, so they can learn about each other's current situation in the circle of friends.
At first, as long as the woman thinks about this relationship, her heart will burn with anger and even burst into tears. When the mood calmed down, she started a new relationship, but it didn't end well. The man has been quietly observing the woman's dynamics and running around. Five years later, the two came together again. The man became mature and steady, moved the woman in a sincere way, and the two came together again.
Therefore, reunion may also happen many years later, such as Faye Wong and Nicholas Tse, and Karen Mok and her husband, who reunited after breaking up for many years.
To sum up, the emotions of the parties in each relationship are different, and the ways to make up for them are also very different, requiring different strategies and methods.
How to get back together after breaking up, what should I pay attention to? According to the above analysis, you have been able to judge whether the last relationship is worth saving and whether it is possible to get back together. Now let's talk about the key points of recombination, and what can be done to get TA back to you.
Many people get back together in extreme ways in order to achieve their goals.
Let's first look at what we can't do:
1. Continuous phone calls, text messages/WeChat bombing.
This will make the other person feel that you are very emotional and getting back together is not a good choice. You are tired of the "serial phone call" your mother gave you, not to mention someone who made him want to break up. Isn't that boring? Especially for a person who broke up with you voluntarily, your initiative and strong means will only make TA want to escape, and it will be very difficult to meet or keep in touch in the future. The other party may think this is a kind of entanglement, feel bored and rejected, and choose to delete you or pull you out directly.
2. Begging, even staged risks.
In most cases, after breaking up, the pleading gesture will not make the other party feel pity, which often makes people afraid to avoid it. The reason is simple: unification can't solve the problem, and the original pain is still there. Besides, I broke up with you. Don't be too confident about the sympathy TA can give you. Besides, think about it, how long can you play this humble gesture? Will it be resurrected after the reunion? Was there no reason to break up before?
3. Let the other person take anything he wants from himself.
Many people think that as long as they put down their posture and meet all the needs of the other party, the other party will come back to them. But this may only increase the other party's contempt and use of you, which is a way to get quick success and instant benefit. Even if they get back together, in the subsequent relationship, they may constantly compromise and even lose themselves because of each other's needs. When you give up self-esteem and don't even love yourself, don't expect others to love you and cherish you.
4. Use the important people of the other party to force the other party to submit.
When trying to get back together, many people will use the important people of the other party to force the other party to submit, such as looking for the other party's parents, hoping that the other party's parents will put pressure on them, or looking for the other party's friends, eager to help fix them up, which may be counterproductive and deepen the other party's resentment. "Ask my relatives and friends to press me, and I will submit?" You will completely inspire TA's fighting spirit and make up your mind to leave you.
Don't make yourself look like those people who make trouble in the runway TA company or unit, thinking that you can force them to get back together. In fact, you have humiliated me anyway, just for everyone to see, but I have won everyone's sympathy. It's really impossible to get back together.
Let's see what you can do if you want to get back together:
The first thing to be clear is whether you are the one who broke up voluntarily or the one who was broken up. Because the one who broke up has more pain after breaking up than the one who broke up voluntarily, it takes more time and energy to recover.
1. Cut off all contact first and give each other some time and space.
Use this time to calmly reflect on the problems existing in your previous feelings, such as whether you pay too much or control too much for TA, the reasons for conflicts and so on. Whoever loses in a relationship will change. When you have complex impulses, first restrain yourself and think rationally. If you get back together, you need to make changes and efforts to understand whether you are willing to do so and whether it is beneficial to you.
At the same time, it also gives the other party the opportunity to do this kind of thinking and reflection, which reduces their vigilance. Many people mistakenly think that this will make each other forget themselves and even be replaced by new lovers. But in fact, this will help both parties to digest the negative emotions gathered when they break up. Moreover, if the other party finds a new lover immediately after breaking up with you, it means that TA has not paid much affection in your intimate relationship. If this happens, you don't need to take the time to fix it.
Seek foreign assistance
What if the two sides pull each other after breaking up and completely cut off contact? Then you have to find a way to get back together
Wechat Weibo mobile phone number is deleted and blacked out, and a new number can be added again. Can impress TA's relatives and colleagues, help you deliver information or restore contact. The premise of the above actions is what I said earlier: no pestering, no beating, no impulse, no pressure, but only if you have the ability to persuade your relatives and friends to cooperate.
3. Change and adjust your state
No one can be responsible for your happiness except yourself. Whether you are getting back together or starting a new relationship, you need to take time to change and adjust your state, including external changes and internal changes.
Saving a person is more difficult than attracting a new person. For the party who wants to get back together after breaking up, what needs to be done is to be able to generate "secondary attraction". That is, on the basis of the original, it has a new attraction to TA. Then it is necessary to give new attraction on the basis of the original affection for each other. No matter your external or internal value, you must change.
For example, some girls don't care about their appearance and image, so they don't wear makeup. They can learn to make up and dress to make their appearance better, and they can also learn art courses, such as painting and music, to improve their taste and temperament. Boys can go to fitness, make their bodies stronger, convey a sense of contribution, make girls feel safe, and so on.
Some break up for internal reasons, don't know how to tolerate each other, don't pay enough attention to TA, and don't know how to operate the relationship correctly. You can learn by reading books and courses related to psychology, or through expert consultation, let yourself know more about yourself and the opposite sex, establish a correct expectation of the relationship, know how to establish intimate relationships, how to communicate, how to deal with emotions and so on. Let yourself have the ability to give and feel love, don't be a person without the ability to love, then you can't be happy.
4. Rebuild connection, attraction and trust
After thinking and promotion, you can try to contact each other.
There are direct and indirect contact methods. Indirect ways are: occasionally send positive energy or friends in Weibo show themselves. Remember not to let the other party think that you sent it to TA on purpose. The more natural the better, the words must not be sour. Especially for a woman holding a man, because the man is visual, the photos should show more beautiful and confident feelings, preferably his favorite dressing style, and attract him to contact you actively with the change of your internal and external training. You were able to communicate because you were attracted to each other. Try to attract him to contact you, and you can get back together as soon as possible.
Direct ways are: contact each other actively, care about each other, or ask for help from each other for a reason and a field problem that each other is good at, and invite each other to meet. But don't take the initiative to think about getting back together, and don't be eager for quick success, because this is not a brand-new process from acquaintance to love, as you did last time. But the reunion after breaking up is mixed with indelible painful memories. So you can't be high-profile and strong when you meet. Let the other person find your change. On the one hand, TA can feel your different attraction, on the other hand, it is willing to believe that change is possible.
At the same time, we can also use some skills to help rebuild contact and attraction, such as getting along as friends first, so that each other can gradually feel the possibility of being together again; Or get each other's favor by remembering good times.
Can there be a good result after getting back together? Many people think that as long as a relationship has gone through a breakup, even if the two sides get back together, it will not last long after all, just like a broken mirror is difficult to circle, and cracks will always exist.
Psychological research has found that the stability and long-term relationship after breaking up mainly depends on the investment and management of two people in the relationship, rather than whether they have experienced the process of "breaking up-getting back together". On average, those couples who have experienced "breakup-reunion" are not significantly less satisfied with the relationship than those couples who have never broken up.
If, after the reunion, both sides are committed to improving the way of interaction with each other, such as increasing the time together, or using some emotional business strategies-being honest with each other, actively communicating, understanding and tolerance. , will enhance the satisfaction of both parties to the relationship. The original conflicts and contradictions have been repaired and improved under the opportunity of compounding, and they have been able to move towards lasting intimacy.
On the contrary, if after the reunion, the two sides are still unwilling to change the previous interaction mode, or regard the relationship after the reunion as their own "spare tire" and keep trying to communicate with others, both sides will feel disappointed or dissatisfied, so that their feelings will eventually break down completely.
Whether the second time can be decided by the investment and management of both parties is not an absolute conclusion. "Whether to use the opportunity of breaking up and getting back together to reflect on this relationship and whether the two sides try to adjust" is the key to "The Second Surrounding".
The above are the key issues and analysis related to the breakup. If you are still obsessed with the person you once loved, but don't know how to start over, I hope my sharing can give you some inspiration and help.