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In the previous article "Growing up, why are we all so angry? ",we discuss where the anger of teenagers comes from. If the contradictions in adolescence are not handled well, they will often be left over to adulthood. This article will share such a case.

Xiao ke de sha world

In the early morning of Laba Festival in 2020, a family of three came to the consulting room. Parents looked sad and the boy looked angry. Seeing the faces of all members of this family, the word "violent teenager" flashed through my mind inadvertently.

Next, I simply asked the visitor's medical history and current emotional state, and began to consult after the psychological test. Here, we call this visitor Xiao Ke.

Xiao ke, male, 2 1 year old, junior, one grid and one line.

Because the psychological test for the first visit is very important and comprehensive, the first psychological test will take a long time, about 60 minutes in a small class. After the exam, I obviously felt that Xiaoke became more anxious. In order to calm Xiaoke's mood as soon as possible and treat him for the first time, I decided to take sand table treatment.

As soon as he entered the sand table room, Xiaoke was attracted by the sand tools displayed on the display cabinet. He quickly walked to the front of the display cabinet, picked up different sand tools and studied them repeatedly. It took about 35 minutes, and a sand work named "Quiet Village" appeared before our eyes.

Attachment: With the consent of the parties, the consultant takes photos and promises to use them only for case teaching and discussion.

Seeing the small sand world, I feel a little distressed. In the sand table room, teenagers often choose soldiers, planes and tanks to fight when placing sand tools, but small is the most widely used. He dispatched almost all soldiers, planes, tanks and even armored vehicles.

We should know that the sand table is a "middle zone" between the inner world and the outer life of an individual, where both the inner world and the outer life of visitors can be gradually presented and revealed. Sandplay therapy provides a channel for visitors to get in touch with their inner feelings or hearts, so that visitors can present what is happening in the inner world and the outer world with images. There are so many fighting scenes in Xiao Ke's sand table that it is enough to see how angry Xiao San is.

Xiaoke introduced me to his sand world:

I don't know what to put, but after seeing soldiers with guns, fighters and tanks, I thought of fighting, and then I saw some big bugs that made me hate and hate. They are like the bugs that spew venom in science fiction movies, and I want to create such works. I named it Quiet Village.

It turns out that this is a paradise-like village. Although there are buildings in the city, the people here are very simple. They don't close the door at night and don't pick up the road. Neighbors live in harmony and people are very United. One day, a group of insects headed by two giant beetles attacked the village. The villagers rose to revolt, but there were too many people flocking. Finally, the state sent the most advanced armored forces to eliminate the insect swarm. "

I asked, "Your story is wonderful and your work is exquisite. According to your story, I seem to understand why the work is called Quiet Village. What is the final outcome? Has the swarm been repelled? "

Xiaoke smiled and replied, "I'm not sure. After all, they are bugs. When they can't beat them, they can run away and hide in the soil. However, when those high-tech troops retreat, they may make a comeback, or they may really be wiped out in one fell swoop, but who can say for sure? "

The counselor continued to ask, "From what you said, I seem to feel that you are very concerned about this village. Is there anything in it that you miss very much? "

Xiaoke replied: "that kind of quiet feeling, that kind of harmonious and warm atmosphere." The counselor observed that Xiaoke had mood swings. He seems very excited, but he is helpless. "You know what? This feeling is something I have never experienced before. My home is like a War of Resistance against Japanese Aggression play. It is full of war almost every day, and there is no quiet life, let alone a sense of harmony. "

The consultant realizes that the key problem is about to appear, and what the college needs at this time is a listener.

Family "war"

The consultant responded to him: "Isn't home a place to shelter everyone from the wind and rain? Why can't your home give you peace and harmony? "

Xiaoke a face of anger at this time, began to speak:

Thanks to those two!

I have lived with my parents since I was born. I will go to my grandparents' house in winter and summer vacation. I have a good relationship with my grandparents, but I have a bad relationship with my parents. They always have endless words, nagging in my ear all day. I have to repeat one thing many times just to force it on me. Only if I compromise and agree can this matter pass.

My father is more serious. His decision doesn't allow me to have any hesitation, otherwise it would be a fat beating. I remember when I was a child, whenever I made them unhappy, they would hit me, so I always had a hot war with my parents since I was a child. There was no such thing as a cold war. When I was a child, I remembered that I was thin, and then I ate and drank so much that I could beat them.

I haven't been beaten since high school, because I weigh more than 200 Jin, and they can't beat me, but my ability to speak hasn't weakened! When I was in college, the most they said to me was, can I go out running to lose weight if I have nothing to do? Look how fat you are. Whose child is taller and thinner than you? Look at you, as fat as a pig. Because of this ridicule, many wars broke out in China. Finally, my mother sat there crying and my father scolded me. They are all for my own good. I am ungrateful. I am a baiwenhang. Sometimes, I really want to strangle myself

But I'd rather strangle my dad. He is always the one who starts the war. When we go to grandma's house for dinner, he must make me stand up and say a few words. He always said to exercise me and cultivate my wine table consciousness, but I don't need it! I'm tired of him doing this!

Doctor, how do you suggest I live? I have gone to college, and I can't be at peace when I come back from my holiday these days. What I thought in high school was that as long as I went to college and got rid of them, I wouldn't have to worry about anything. They can fight as much as they like at home, but now it seems that I can't get out of this whirlpool.

Xiaoke is very excited, speaks quickly and looks ferocious. He seems to be lost in the scene of the story again. I can see that he is anxious again, even panting, and I can feel his strong anger. "

It can be seen that all the fighting scenes in the sand table displayed by Xiao Ke are a true portrayal of his heart and reality. It is hard for us to imagine that a college student will quarrel or even fight with his parents every day. Being able to do these behaviors is enough to show how angry he is.

According to Xiaoke's description, the consultant even boldly guessed that these two "goliath beetles" are Xiaoke's images of his parents, while other pervasive bugs are more like the words of his parents' attacks on weekdays, while rebellious soldiers are the scenes of Xiaoke's struggle with his parents in his heart and reality.

The counselor asked, "What would you do if you were angry and out of control?"

Xiaoke sighed: "In fact, it is nothing more than quarreling with parents. It seems that I was born to fight in my head. I don't know any other way to vent my anger. My parents seem to have sealed me in a small box, so I can only break an exit through violence. What did you say?/Sorry? This is for my own good. In my opinion, they only care about themselves and never consider my feelings. As I said before, I yearn for a peaceful and harmonious life. Actually, I don't want to quarrel with my parents. Not only am I embarrassed to go out and make people laugh. When I couldn't beat them before, I was angry and wanted to make myself stronger. I don't know what to do when they can't beat me. I beat my parents every day at home! "

Finally, Xiaoke put forward his own purpose: "I came today because I am really in pain." I know that there is a big problem at home now, and I even wonder if I have any mental illness and a tendency to violence. " I hope the doctor can help me and help our family. I want to control my behavior, too, but when they nag in my ear, I feel like an instinctive reaction and immediately enter the fighting state. How can I change? "

Analysis and suggestions

According to the situation of small departments, the consultant gave analysis and suggestions:

"In fact, this is not just your problem. You also said that you felt that there was something wrong with your family, and Qi Xin, our whole family, needed to work together. As you, I think you can consider changing your role. It seems that you have been used to thinking of yourself as a' caregiver' for so many years. Even if you are an adult and go to college, you still enjoy such treatment. If you try to think of yourself as a' caregiver', you are growing and your parents are getting old. As you said, they can't beat you. Then why do you keep getting along with them by fighting? Why not take care of them and fight?

In fact, whether it is a blow or a concern, it is a concern. Some parents beat and scold their children because they think they hate iron and don't produce. They want their children to become better and not take detours. It's just that the way to' beat and scold' is wrong. Then why not change it? If you believe that there are no parents who don't love their children, only parents who love their children in the wrong way, then I hope you can try to change your role and make your parents feel that their children have grown up, not broken. "

Xiaoke after listening, suddenly relaxed a lot, as if to find the answer. I once again saw his eager eyes: "I am willing to try, but I am not sure if I will clench my fist like a conditioned reflex when they continue to nag."

The counselor encouraged him to:

"Since you are willing to try, it is always necessary to overcome difficulties. You need to learn to be patient and communicate more. Your family lacks language communication, just like when you were a child, your parents began to beat each other when they didn't agree with each other, which is bound to cause our family to be a' dumb family' with no communication and many fists. Then you inadvertently convey this part of consciousness, you will feel angry, and you should use violence to solve the problem. So if you want to try to change, you need to speak first and learn to express your anger. Just like today, tell them all your anger, unhappiness and grievances.

At the same time, you should also listen to your parents talk about their emotions and feelings. Such a cycle is effective communication. "

Xiaoke nodded and said seriously, "I see, doctor, I am willing to try, thank you!" " The consultant replied, "You're welcome. I'm just doing what I should do. I want to talk to your parents in a few minutes. Do you feel all right? " Xiaoke replied, "Yes, I really hope they can understand my pains." Say that finish, Xiaoke got up and left the clinic. His pace is no longer as brisk as when he came. He looks rather heavy and thoughtful.

Later, I invited Xiaoke's parents into the consulting room. Because most of the situations involve Xiaoke's inner feelings, I didn't disclose much to his parents without Xiaoke's permission. Secondly, this psychotherapy is only about the individual psychotherapy of a small department, not family therapy, so the psychological counselor only gives some suggestions to the two parents according to the current situation, long-term family environment and parenting style of the small department.

I believe many readers will be shocked after the case is presented here. A 2 1 year-old child has gone to college. How can he quarrel with his parents at home? But in my opinion, it's not that the teenager doesn't love his parents, otherwise, he can let himself get back all the anger he suffered in previous years. He just can't open his mouth, or, for so many years, no one has taught him how to communicate with others and express his anger through words. This is also the chief culprit of Xiaoke's development from a teenager to a violent teenager.

Language communication is an advanced skill of human beings as advanced animals, but this natural skill is the most easily overlooked. I hope this article can make more readers realize the importance of language communication. Meanwhile, if your child is such an angry child, then you have learned how to help him!