The U-shaped theory of marital satisfaction has a U-shaped theory in the study of "marital satisfaction", which shows that after the birth of a child, the marital satisfaction of husband and wife will gradually decline from the highest point when they are newly married, and the depression of marital relationship will often last until the child grows up, and the satisfaction will gradually pick up. Chen Qiqi, a psychologist consulted by Grace Psychological Counseling Office, found from couples' counseling cases that many couples were once envied by everyone before they had no children, but after the baby was born, they fought because of different parenting methods, and even became incompatible. Chen Qiqi analyzed that it is easy for couples to have differences in parenting because they come from different life backgrounds and are influenced by family of origin's parenting style and growing experience, which leads to different parenting concepts. Therefore, it should be normal for couples to have differences in parenting. Chen Qiqi suggested that when there is a deadlock due to different opinions, please go back to the starting point of the argument and affirm the love of the other half for the children with a positive attitude. Never let the child-rearing dispute turn into a tug-of-war between husband and wife. Parents say their own words, children are the biggest victims. Chen Qiqi believes that when facing the problem of raising children, couples are most taboo to adopt the absolute dichotomy of one party playing the bad COP and the other playing the bad COP. When faced with strict and relaxed discipline from one side, children often feel at a loss and may even have more personality development problems. The negative effects of different parenting styles on children's life rules cannot be internalized-Situation 1: Jessica Hester Hsuan, who has a bad appetite, often spends a lot of time at the dinner table. His mother stipulates that he must eat a certain amount before he can leave, but his father says it doesn't matter if he doesn't want to eat. Looking at the angry mother and the miserable father, Jessica Hester Hsuan didn't know whether to continue to eat the bowl of rice in front of him. ! In the face of the same incident, when parents' attitudes are completely different, it is undoubtedly a contradictory factor in children's hearts, and the disoriented living standard is likely to lead to the disorder of values; Chen Qiqi mentioned that some children even learned how to survive in the cracks. Once parents disagree, they turn to the favorable side to achieve their goals or evade their responsibilities. Develop a life attitude that obeys the sun. Case 2: My mother who pays attention to healthy eating never allows Xiaohui to eat snacks, but my father often secretly gives Xiaohui snacks to please Xiaohui. The two even reached an agreement. As long as mom doesn't know how many snacks Xiaohui wants to eat, dad will hide it for her. Obviously, it is an agreed principle, but the other party easily lets go in private and even takes the lead in derailment. Chen Qiqi believes that the party that dominates the loopholes in discipline is tantamount to demonstrating the negative model of "saying one thing and doing another" in front of children, which is easy to cultivate children's hypocrisy, deception and disobedience, and will affect future interpersonal relationships. Take the parents' dispute as her own fault; Case 3: Whenever mom and dad are unhappy for themselves again, Kiki always feels helpless, afraid to face the boring family atmosphere, worried that her parents may no longer love her, and even suspected that her disobedience caused her parents to quarrel frequently. Chen Qiqi said that in the adult world, it may be possible to clearly distinguish who is right and who is wrong. For children with immature minds, it is not so easy to find out who did something wrong, especially when parents are not ashamed to defend themselves, which often makes children think that they are the chief culprit of family disharmony, which may shape their personality characteristics of shrinking and lack of self-confidence. Differences in parenting opinions should not be reduced to a war between husband and wife. Chen Qiqi's analysis shows that the reason why some couples have moved from differences in parenting to serious tears in their marriage relationship is that the focus of the quarrel has been blurred, and finally it has become a comparison mentality between husband and wife, as if whoever gives in will be short, so the war at home is in full swing! In fact, there is no absolute right or wrong concept of parenting. Couples should redefine their relationship as a parenting alliance. The role of a good father and a good mother will never be a one-man show. They must rely on mutual coordination, cooperation and respect to establish an excellent parenting tacit understanding. The elders are involved in the education war, and some people describe the marriage relationship as six people lying in a double bed. In addition to the opinions of both husband and wife, sometimes the elders of both sides will join in, which is a very common phenomenon in the eastern society, especially when the baby at home is faced with declining birthrate and intergenerational education after birth, which has strengthened the educational dispute between the two generations. It is not so easy to give priority to the support of the other half and expect the two generations to have the same concept of parenting. Chen Qiqi suggested that when there is a child-rearing disagreement with the elders, first establish * * * knowledge with the other half, then put forward ideas and improvement methods, and communicate with the elders more; Even if communication with the elders fails, as long as both husband and wife are convinced of their educational ideas and have the support and affirmation of the other half, the possibility of igniting a war between the two generations is relatively small. Replace caring psychology with caring and empathy. If the way the elders treat their children is not malicious, they might as well turn a blind eye, care less about trivial matters, understand their motives with more care and empathy, and release their kindness and consideration to help take care of their children. This will also promote family harmony. Avoid criticizing old Chen Qiqi with sharp words. Even if you are dissatisfied with your elders' behavior, you should consider the language when complaining, and avoid using overly emotional or critical words, so as not to arouse the defense of the other half and elders, which is not conducive to communication afterwards. Sometimes, when faced with an unsolvable problem, you just need to find someone to complain to, you should let the other half know that what you need is listening, not giving advice or forcibly changing the practices of your elders. As a sandwich biscuit, the psychological pressure can also be slightly reduced. The second part of the settlement of parenting disputes, angry words from the mouth are often the biggest killer of killing feelings, and it is even more unwise to criticize in person. Only by communicating calmly and rationally can we have the opportunity to discuss the ideal parenting principles acceptable to both sides. Don't intervene in discipline unless the child may be seriously injured. Even if you don't like the attitude and way of the other half to raise the child, you should respect the right of the other half to raise the child. You should avoid directly criticizing the other half for improper discipline in front of the children, and all objections can be left to the husband and wife to communicate and discuss when they get along privately. Count silently 10 seconds to stabilize your mood. When the volcano of anger in your heart is about to erupt, please take a deep breath and silently count 10 seconds. If this is not enough to suppress your emotions, you might as well leave the scene for a while to calm yourself down, and don't be outspoken because of anger. When both sides can be calm, we will communicate afterwards. As the same body of parenting, couples who communicate afterwards should share the responsibility and obligation of parenting. Traditional families often take mothers as the main force of child care, and fathers occasionally play the role of small helpers. When the division of responsibilities between parents is unbalanced, the one with heavier responsibilities will often be blamed. If couples can stand on the same front to discuss the blueprint and dilemma of parenting, they can reduce the situation of shirking their responsibilities and blaming each other. If you are unhappy, communicate as soon as possible. Chen Qiqi said, when your emotions are about to get out of control, it's really inappropriate to communicate immediately, but it doesn't mean that you will be silent or take a cold war protest gesture afterwards. Without communication, the problem can't be solved. If you can't solve the misunderstanding of the other half, or if you fall into an emotional corner, it will affect the family atmosphere and even expand the incident. Therefore, Chen Qiqi suggested that every couple should find time as soon as possible if they have any unhappiness. Choose a good opportunity to communicate. In the process of communication, depression, anger, sadness, etc. Is inevitable. It is very important to choose the communication opportunity carefully. Try to avoid talking in an environment that is easy to be distracted and when you are physically and mentally exhausted, so as to avoid too much emotional interference, and the conversation time should not be too urgent or interrupted. It's best to set aside some time for a complete conversation and discussion. It is a difficult and long process to listen to and fully express children's upbringing correctly. Husband and wife should have the concept of mutual support. When one party is dissatisfied, the other party must cooperate and listen, so that the emotions can be vented and have a good influence on the maintenance of marriage and family. Chen Qiqi suggested that in communication, you can take turns to play the role of introducer and listener. When the proposer describes his own views and needs, the listener should try not to express his own views and make a decision, giving the other party enough space to fully express his inner feelings. When expressing opinions, the speaker should try to avoid accusing the other person's words or actions. If other family members are involved, he should also maintain an attitude of "focusing on things but not on people" so as not to cause negative emotions of the listeners. After expressing dissatisfaction, we should further understand each other's thoughts and practices and avoid unilateral misunderstanding. This is the effective two-way communication. First establish the knowledge of the general direction, and then discuss the small details in private. Chen Qiqi reminded that when raising children, couples should first establish the knowledge of general direction and avoid everything. When one of them makes a decision or makes a promise to the child, the other party should give it as much support as possible. If in doubt, don't protest in front of the children immediately. There are double standards in parenting, which will only have a negative impact on children. Some people say that women are born with maternity. Relatively speaking, a man can be a good father only through study and experience accumulation. When a husband tries to participate in child-rearing, he should give more affirmation, no matter whether he is doing well or not. Even if there are some imperfections, don't rush to criticize or belittle them, otherwise he will only build a defensive wall and won't pay more. From the child's point of view, it must be happy to have a father to grow up with, so we must affirm the importance of the role of father! When a wife raises the issue of child-rearing, sometimes she just needs someone to complain about. As a husband, she doesn't need to give advice in a hurry. Just be a quiet listener and let her know your support and affirmation, so that her unhappiness can be eased a little. Understanding the other half is for the good of the children. Chen Qiqi said that when a husband and wife have an argument to raise their children, they should not kill the other half's original intention. It is necessary to understand that both sides are eager for the happiness of their children. Based on this concept, it is not easy to hurt each other in disputes, and they are more willing to make compromises and concessions in the gap of ideas in order to find a compromise point acceptable to both sides. Don't weaken the other half's parenting authority. When one side is disciplining the child, the other side speaks to stop it. Such confrontation will not only be beneficial to children, but will weaken the authority of parenting in children's hearts. For example, when the father is disciplining, the mother comes out to block it, which may give the child a biased impression that "what the father said is unnecessary" and have a negative impact on future education. Parenting books and expert theory can't believe that every family has different backgrounds, and every child has unique personality characteristics. Chen Qiqi reminded that experts' views on parenting should not be used as a model for preaching, and all kinds of theories and examples can only be used as reference. We should communicate with our parenting tendency and children's characteristics in a soft way to find out the most suitable way of discipline. Respect children's needs and ideas. Since the dispute is caused by children, children should be allowed to return to the protagonist of the incident. Chen Qiqi suggested that children's personality characteristics, development needs and interests should be considered as key factors, and children's various changes and performances should be observed patiently. Don't rush to deny each other. When they find that their children are moving towards positive development, they will naturally understand and affirm each other's parenting choices. If the opinions of both husband and wife are not understood by * * *, let the children participate in the discussion of opinions together, and the one-on-one deadlock can be solved by three votes. Give full play to your own advantages and bring the best influence to your children. Everyone has different strengths and interests. If mom and dad can lead their children to grow up with their greatest advantages, I believe they will definitely have a more positive impact on their children. For example, mom likes static activities, telling stories, doodling ... and other activities. Dad is good at sports, so he might as well take the initiative to take charge of children's sports. Parents should do their job well, so that their children can get more comprehensive care and comprehensive and balanced development. It is also a beautiful thing to try not to interfere with the other half's child-rearing responsibility, fully respect each other's influence, and experience the growth of your child from the perspective of a bystander. Chen Qiqi, a model of children's good communication, said that parents are children's initial teachers, and good words, deeds and attitudes can be the best role models for children and have a key impact on their future personality development. Therefore, parents can respect each other, communicate properly, and maintain a harmonious family atmosphere, so that children will feel safe and learn to be kind to others.