In the social history discussion class, the professor explained to us how the aesthetic standards of society change with the times. [For example,] he said, [Miss America was elected in 192 1, with a height of 1.55 meters, a weight of 49 kilograms, and a measurement of 76 (cm), 64,81. What do you think her chances are if she takes part in the beauty contest today? The class was silent for a while, and then a student replied: [Not so good. 】 【 Why? ] The professor asked him. [At least,] he pointed out, [she will be too old. ]
2. Photography position
At the university graduation ceremony, there was a project in which graduates crossed a bridge on the lake in groups. I rushed to take photos or videos with my parents, relatives and friends to capture this commemorative lens. At one such graduation ceremony, a photojournalist happened to block the photo position that a parent had chosen at the beginning of the bridge crossing ceremony. Would you please step aside? I spent $30,000 waiting for the opportunity to shoot this shot,] said the parent.
3. Help your family eat every day
My brother is in the fourth grade of primary school. He is so fat that people often make fun of him.
One day, the teacher asked one of their classmates to start writing down [what they do for the family every day] in the contact book. My brother couldn't think of anything, so his mother had to help him fill it out. She wrote in the contact book: [Help the family eat every day. The teacher's comment is: [I can see that you are working hard! ]
Step 4 jingle
In the past, when the school held a sports meeting, it was always necessary to read some jingles during the game to enliven the atmosphere. For example, the 100-meter track is not long and the athletes are full of energy.
Once, I heard a jingle as follows:
The javelin is sharp and sharp,
Hold it in your hand.
Fly out with a bang,
I only see the curved moon and the blue sky …
call the roll
A newly graduated normal teacher went to a primary school to teach new students. The first thing she did was to ask the students to write their names in the exercise books. After that, she took back her exercise books and sent them back one by one by name in order to get to know the students. But there was one. She called for it ten times, but no one came to get it. Yellow belly! Yellow belly! ... what's wrong Where did everyone go? ! ……………。
Finally, all the copies have been distributed, and there is still one left. Raise your hand if you don't get it! ! At this moment, a little girl raised her hand and the teacher asked, what's your name? ... Huang Yuepo, teacher.
narcissism
When I was a freshman, a good-looking roommate liked to look in the mirror and feel sorry for herself. Even when the big exam is approaching, she still can't bear to put down the mirror. Her roommate was worried about her homework and tried to persuade her, but she sighed and said, "Is it a mistake to be beautiful?"
"Don't worry," the usually taciturn director suddenly said, "you've never made such a mistake."
7. Men fight for women
HKUST has never had a charming mother since ancient times. Who says HKUST doesn't have a charming mother?
Fragrant flowers and rotten willows smell fragrant. Are all the seniors in the girls' building wandering?
A diploma is written by Shimada Hanzo, and I don't look you in the eye.
Bitter to marry Wu Dalang. You are not as good as Wu Dalang.
8. where is he
Three girls in school are talking about a man who came to school to propose.
A (junior undergraduate): How tall is he? Is he handsome?
B (Master): What does he do and what's his monthly salary?
C (Ph.D.): Where is he? ! !
(Pure fiction, please don't mind)
9. A short joke
History teacher: Why did you leave early?
Barry: I have an important appointment.
History teacher: Is history more important or girlfriend more important?
Barry: If I'm late again, she'll be history! ! !
History teacher: @ # # $%%
10. Dead brain
Dead brain is highly myopic and doesn't love glasses.
On this day, I was cooking in the dining hall, and suddenly I saw a man on the dining table in front of me who looked like a vision and wore a black and red sports coat with unique vision, but my brain patted the man on the shoulder. Unexpectedly, the man turned around and turned out to be a handsome woman. I lost my head for a moment and panicked: "I'm sorry, I thought it was vision."
After returning to the dormitory, I tried my best to bring this matter into view. While laughing, vision is also interested in the woman's freshman year and frequently searches in the canteen. Many things happen (and that coat is really eye-catching), and he really found his goal today. Vision stepped forward and patted the lady on the shoulder. Miss turned around and her face was full of surprise and anger, which made vision forget what she had hastily made up. She only vaguely remembered what she had said and said, "I'm sorry, I thought it was myself."
1 1. TV worm
Ferguson is a TV fan and likes watching TV very much. His classmates found him in their spare time. Nine times out of ten, they saw him sitting in front of the TV, so everyone called him a "TV nerd". That day, the literature teacher announced in class: "I suggest you go to see the eclipse tonight." Ferguson immediately asked, "What channel?"
12. Change position
Peter is famous for being absent-minded in class. It's true. The teacher is talking in front of the blackboard, but he is staring at the basketball court outside the window. The teacher criticized: "Peter, you are always absent-minded in class, but your heart is on the playground." Peter replied, "teacher, change your position!" Let me be in the playground and my heart is in the classroom. "
13. Roman proverb
Freshman: All roads lead to Rome.
Pingtan Tandaxue Road
Sophomore: Rome was not built in a day.
I haven't finished college for four years.
Senior: Rome has been built.
I haven't finished college yet.
Big n: Rome has collapsed
I'm still in college.
14. Examination articles
The teacher said: exams are generally snacks, and they are not tired of eating; Duan Kao is a dinner, regular and quantitative; The entrance examination is a feast, and once is enough. Why don't you study hard?
The student said: report to the teacher, we are losing weight! ! !
15. Zi Zaichuan said:
A teacher asked his students to translate a passage from The Analects of Confucius. In Sichuan words, the deceased is like a husband, day and night!
As a result, the talented student showed his highest Chinese level accumulated for more than ten years and said: Zi said in bed: Sleep very comfortably and don't do homework!
The teacher was shocked and touched the student's head and said, "You are only one hundred years old!" " ! I taught it in anger.
You are a fool who only appears once in a hundred years. The more I teach you, the less happy I am.
16. Team coach
This is what my professor told us. He used to teach in America. Some team students have never studied, but they have to graduate from college before they can join the professional basketball team to play nba. After retiring, they often return to their alma mater as team coaches.
There is a student (let's call him Jordan) who is going to graduate, but calculus can't pass anyway, so he can't graduate and play in the nba! So he asked his coach, who is also the coach of the school team, to intercede for him.
Coach: [Professor, please let Jordan live. The nba has been waiting for him for a long time! ]
Professor: [All right! Since the coach has come to intercede, I'll give you one last chance]
[What is one plus one? ]
Jordan immediately replied without thinking: [2]
Coach: [Professor, please give him another chance! ]
17. My host. Why hasn't he come yet?
Xiaoying went to the second day of junior high school, and her family sent her to learn English. One day, Xiaoying came home from class and shouted as soon as she entered the door: Mom, why hasn't my M.C. come yet? Everyone next door is here. Mom was startled: Xiaoying, who taught you these M's? C. Some don't.
Xiaoying: It's a cram school teacher. Mom, tell me about my M.C. Why haven't you been here for so long? Mom doesn't feel blushing: ask your father if he has heard of it. What a coincidence that the postman came.
Dad went on to ask the postman's uncle.
Xiaoying had to ask uncle postman: Uncle postman, why hasn't my M.C. come yet? Do you know that?/You know what?
Postman: Don't worry, come here. Look at this. This is what you expect at night, m. C.
The latest mail-order cartoon alarm clock morningcall is also available.
Mom and Dad: ......
18. Peek at cartoons in class! !
Everyone has the experience of peeking at extracurricular books in class. Especially reading comic books in class.
In high school, I liked watching cartoons in class, especially some sleepy classes. I remember once, my classmates read a new comic book. There are textbooks on the desk and cartoons in the drawer. Page by page, savor it. Slowly, the teacher came up to him and said, "this classmate, you don't have to put it under the table." Because the board in front of your drawer is missing. " At that time, the whole class burst into laughter.
19. Brush your teeth! !
One day in the biological experiment, I observed my saliva cells, looked at them with a microscope and recorded them. Just as everyone was observing and studying with great interest, suddenly there was a scream. Ah ~ ~ It turned out to be a gift from a beautiful teaching assistant ... The professor thought something was wrong, so he ran to look at her microscope and said to her: Next time you finish your homework, remember to brush your teeth and rinse your mouth! !
20. How old is this teacher this year
In class, the teacher asked a question that he thought no one could answer:
A tortoise walks five meters per minute, and an ant walks three centimeters per minute. Q: How old is the teacher this year?
The whole class was silent. ...
I saw Yu Gong bow his head in thought and quickly raised his hand to answer: 44 years old.
The teacher was very surprised when she heard the answer! ! Ask Dai Xiao how he knows ...
A: I have an uncle who is 22 years old and has a big brain. I multiplied his age by two, so ...
Teacher: ... # $ @% # $ #
2 1. To be fair! !
One day in a junior high school, the inspector came to the school to take the exam and announced to the students at the meeting: "To be fair, I will take the first exam this year, the second exam next year and the third exam the year after next." After the students heard the news, ...
22. Big?
The son asked his father, [Is one big or twenty big? ]
Dad: [Of course it's the top 20! ]
Son: [Then I got twenty. Is it better than the first place! ]
24. Simple questions.
A biology professor often goes to university to teach [genetics].
Once on my way to a lecture. The driver said to him: [Professor. I have listened to your class for more than fifty times. I keep it in mind. I dare say. I can also teach this course]
[oh! Really? All right! Then let's switch roles later! ]
Arrived at school. The driver went to lecture. Complete the course word for word. But just as he was leaving. Suddenly a student asked a question …
The driver couldn't answer for a moment ... but he said quietly. [This classmate. The question you asked is so simple … that you can't understand it. How simple. I decided to call my driver to answer you! ~]
25. Sex education
One day. Xiaoming came home from class sadly.
Mom asked Xiaoming: What's the matter?
Xiao Ming replied: Xiaohua in the class knows where he is from. But I didn't even know. Mom thinks it's time to tell Xiaoming something about men and women, and make a correct sex education by the way. Mother began to tell Xiaoming that boys fell in love with girls. Then get married ... Also mentioned how sperm met eggs. Mother told Xiaoming everything she knew.
When my mother finished the satisfactory teaching.
Xiao Ming is still at a loss. Look at mom. A little tears dripping from the corner of my eye said:
Xiaohua said that he came from Yilan. But mom said a lot, and I still don't know where it came from.
26. Professor of Philosophy
A philosophy professor at Oxford University is telling senior students, "No matter what, smart people will think twice before you act, and only fools will rush to conclusions."
"Are you sure?"
"I'm sure so," the professor replied affirmatively.
A math professor was knocked down by a speeding car on the road, and the driver left without stopping. When the traffic police came to ask about the license plate number of the car, the professor thought for a moment and said, "At the moment when I was knocked down, I only saw an equation on the car: XY minus 5 17, and the final difference was 24 ..."
27. blockbuster
Outside the examination room of the Conservatory of Music, an unsuccessful girl stopped the examiner and asked, "Professor, don't you believe that my voice will be a blockbuster one day?"
"Of course, miss, when you are afraid or attacked."
28. long-handled spoon
The professor of psychiatry visited the psychiatric hospital and asked the attending doctor how the patient determined whether it was cured or not.
"We fill the bathtub with water, put a teaspoon beside the pool, and then let the patient drain. If the patient takes a spoon and goes all out to complete the task, it means that he has not been cured. If the plug of the bath is unplugged, it is a healthy person. "
The professor shouted, "Why didn't I have such an idea in my mind?" I want a long-handled spoon. "
29. What kind of place is the kingdom of heaven?
Glen Smith asked Professor Peter, an astronomy teacher, what kind of place heaven is. The professor replied, "I have been studying the mysteries of the universe and existence all my life." I hope the kingdom of heaven is a place where I can no longer be asked questions, but can ask,' What is the answer to this question?' "
30. Effect of modification
John is a teacher who teaches writing. He found it difficult to convince students of the necessity of revising the article.
For them, the draft is the final version. Finally, John put up a big sign on the office door.
In this way, many students have developed the habit of revising articles. The slogan reads:
"Oh, it's hard, you know. I can't decide whether to commit suicide, you know. " Shakespeare's draft of Hamlet, Scene 3, Act 1.
3 1. paper money
When answering the Chinese teacher's "Two Diaries of Zhimo", explain what Xu Zhimo said: "Number is big" is the concept of beauty. For example, looking at the earth from the infinite blue sky is beautiful; The sea of clouds on the top of Mount Tai, the tall Yunfeng is calm and beautiful in the morning light ... The teacher asked Chopin in class: "Can you give other examples to illustrate that counting stools is beautiful?" Chopin immediately replied, "money."
32. Double happiness
There is a female teacher in my college who is pregnant and walks around with a big belly. It happened that HKCEE's grades were announced, and her eldest daughter got six A's. She was very happy and hurried to tell the students the good news. Hearing this, one of the students jokingly said, "It's a double happiness. Mother and daughter are pregnant at the same time. "
33. Campus jokes (1)
Instructor: Why do you skip class quickly and frequently?
A Dai: I can't help it. I'm very talented.
Instructor: But you don't have to climb the wall any more.
A Dai: Really? Has the fence been removed?
Instructor: No, you have been expelled from school. You can go through the gate!
34. Campus jokes (2)
On campus, the honesty movement is strongly advocated.
Sheng: How can I reward you when you find the money?
Student B: I will give you a reward if I don't lose money.
Sheng: What about pornography and comics?
B: Will the tutor believe that you found it?
Just leave it to me.
35. Campus jokes (3)
The teacher said: It's a fine day today, so we should go for an outing.
The student said, Teacher, do you mean to step on the girl in blue?
36. Campus jokes (4)
In class, a classmate is reading cartoons.
The teacher found out and asked, what are you doing?
I am looking for something. ]
[Looking for what? ]
[Looking for, looking for ...]
The students next door answered and made excuses.
37. Campus jokes (5)
Sheng: Do you know why Xian insisted?
Do you want me to introduce my classmates from North X to him?
Because he is a rabbit.
38. A short joke
College entrance examination: [What would you do if an old lady stood next to you on the bus {you were sitting}? ]
Barry: I'll tell her, old lady, that you are so old. Don't always take the bus to save money. It's safer to take a taxi.
39. A short joke
Teacher: You can't cheat in the exam!
Barry: Yes! You can't just sit back and wait!
Teacher: oh, my god, it's big xxxxxxxxx.
40. Geography class
The teacher asked: [Where is Brazil? ]
A Dai: (on page 5 1 in the geography textbook). ]
4 1. Mouse
A middle school computer classroom needs 100 mice to use windows. Soon, I received an official document from the General Accounting Office. Because of the limited funds, please buy a pair of mice first to breed.
42. Which hole are you drilling?
Today's swimming class teacher changed the wooden ball.
Top students in our class
Is to aim at the target and prepare for a hole in one.
Unexpectedly, with a wave of his hand.
The ball went into the squatting eyebrow butt next door.
Teacher: Which hole are you drilling?
ace:！ @#$@#%%$^
Me: ... (already laughing to death! ! )
43. sleepy ...
There are three guys in a class who can sleep well. They are nicknamed Sleeping God, Sleeping Saint and Sleeping Overlord in the class.
One day, the three decided to sleep a little longer in the competition, starting with self-study in the morning. Sleep until noon, and the sleepers get up. Knowing that I lost, I went to lunch alone. After school, the sleeping saint got up and walked home alone. The next morning, when I was studying by myself, I saw the sleeping god with his eyes closed and secretly cursed: Shit! ! I can't believe I'm still getting up early to study after sleeping for so long. ...
44. Causes of low back pain
Students go to see a doctor because of low back pain.
After taking an X-ray, the doctor said:
Here, your liver. It didn't harden. ...
So, it's your stomach, no problem. ...
Here, it's your kidney. There are no stones. ...
Here, this is your stool. It's not clean, so my back hurts. ...
45. Don't go anywhere
There is a teacher who is a very devout Buddhist.
Once he told the children how good heaven was.
Ask the children if they want to go to heaven.
Only one child didn't raise his hand.
Then I told the children how terrible hell is.
Please raise your hand again if you want to go to hell.
Or did the boy not raise his hand?
So the teacher feels very strange ... why don't you go to heaven and hell?
Just ask the child, why don't you go to heaven and hell?
The children said: Mom said that after school, she told me to go home at once and not to go anywhere. ...
46. Electric shock
In medical class, gay men learned: "How can I touch your heart? 』
Female student: "Didn't the teacher teach? Use electric shock. 』。
47. Surface tension
Two biochemists were sitting in front of the laboratory drinking coffee, and a beautiful woman walked by.
Seeing the dementia on my colleague's face, a mature biochemist said that she is more than 75% water like us. Colleagues still look stupid and say, yes, but look at the surface tension!
48. Jokes heard in class
The professor said in the highway engineering class that if the paint stops on the highway, most people will rush in, and he is no exception.
He went on to say that when international students are abroad, if there is paint stopping on the ground, they will usually stop according to the rules. At this time, Xiaowu spoke amazingly, because he didn't know what was on the road. He stopped and pressed the translator, so he stopped.
49. Wake up the world and say something.
Once when I was reading a reference book, I was so sleepy that I inadvertently glanced at two sentences in the book:
Why do you sleep for a long time when you are alive?
Will sleep after death.
Wake up immediately ...
50. Understand?
Once in the dormitory, I wanted to say that I haven't contacted my high school classmate for a long time and asked him to call me (I'm afraid someone needs a phone urgently, so let her call our dormitory from home). I happened to see a very introverted schoolmate pick up the phone, as if to call his opposite sex pen pal. It's rare to see him finally take the first step. I wanted to wait until he finished, so that he didn't know I was here, and let him go on. (ps In my opinion, he speaks for five minutes at most, and I want to say that I will call my classmate later. It happened that he put down the receiver as if he had finished. Just as I was about to make a phone call, he plugged in his calling card, which made me confused. But he only spoke for a minute this time, and then asked him what he said half an hour ago. He didn't hit me at all. A, B, C, …x, Y, Z have been promoted by six grades.