Obviously, I am less than two years old, but I have to give up my choice more than once to satisfy him.

"You are a sister. Excuse me. What's wrong with him? " I have heard this sentence from my mother more than once. Just because I am older than him, I let him choose the gift first. Just because I am my sister, I will sacrifice my time to accompany him out; Just because I was born less than two years earlier, I have to bear the responsibility of being a "sister" for a lifetime.

When I was a child, I cried more than once because of such unfairness, and I had a big argument with my mother, but they were all ignored as children's ignorance. I was also warned to act like a sister, or my brother would follow suit. I still remember what my mother once said in a rage-"J has learned from you. If he commits a crime, you will go to jail!" I know it's just an angry remark, but ... I'm really serious, maybe I'm too young. ...

Later, I learned the news that J dropped out of school in a high school class. When I first learned, I was surprised that I could be so calm. I didn't know it until I went home on holiday. It turned out that J was not used to living in the dormitory for the first time and stayed in his class for a long time. The whole person is like a demon. My mother and his class teacher decided to quit school after several discussions, and of course I never went to school again.

To tell the truth, I didn't fluctuate too much after knowing the reason, because a few days before he started school, I thought: he grew up under the protection of my mother. He never went to school alone, and my mother picked him up by bike every time; He never left my mother's protection for more than a day; He is a boy who wants to go to junior high school, and no one even goes out to buy things ... How can such a person enter school, stay in school and study smoothly? ...

In fact, the night I left home for the first time was also very uncomfortable. I remember lying on the bed in the dormitory that night, in a strange environment, surrounded by strangers. At that time, I was younger than my brother, who was only in junior high school. A girl, so I lay flat on the bed and cried all night staring at the bed board. No one else knows how I got through that night. But I got through it, and then my mother asked me, "How can you, your brother can't?" How did you spend your first day? "I actually have a lot to say. I want to say: Do you think I am better? You took me to school and left. I don't know anything. I can only study bit by bit. I can't even take care of my money. At that time, I lost my locker key, so I didn't dare to go to the teacher or my classmates. I cried in front of the cupboard for a long time, and finally the teacher pried it open with a tool, but it was only three days later. I didn't change clothes for three days during military training ... but I never told my mother about it. I just study hard at school and keep studying, because in my mother's eyes, as a student, grades are the most important. I have been a good girl for more than ten years ... It was not until J happened that my mother suddenly found that a person's mental health is the most important, and later my mother said, "mentality is the most important." ...

Unfortunately, although I don't think I care much about it, after all, great changes have taken place in our family because of J. During the period when I was struggling for the college entrance examination, my parents went all over the major hospitals and said that J had psychological problems in the dormitory that night, and he always talked to himself alone and sometimes beat his parents emotionally. Because of the pressure of study, I don't know much. In fact, I know part of the reason is that I don't want to know, just like I have a lot to say to them, but I don't want to say it either. Because of this incident, my mentality has also been greatly affected, and my academic performance has plummeted. But I know my mother doesn't care anymore. She euphemistically called "mentality is the most important thing", but in fact, she just doesn't have time to care about it. But I was always strong, but I cried again. I miss the little girl who got excellent grades and knew nothing but study. I miss the quiet and normal life in the past. But if someone asks me, would you like to go back in time? My answer must be-no.

After graduating from high school, I was admitted to an undergraduate university near Beijing. Although it is far from my original goal, it is a good result. I want to be myself again in college. I tried to separate my family from the campus, but the fact is that I did it. When I went to college, I gradually found that my mother's education method was very wrong. She used to wrap us up too well. We seldom have our own independent space. We only studied since childhood, and even my mother wouldn't let me go out to find friends, especially J. Later, my mother also reflected on it and encouraged J to go out to find friends more than once. As a result, it is conceivable that J didn't want to. Yes, this "little tiger" doesn't want to jump out of the cage, but this "little tiger" will grow up one day, stronger than its owner, and the owner has no strength to raise it anymore, so he let it go. Maybe it can adapt to the wild life and grow up slowly. Maybe it starved to death; Or it grew tired of the owner's abandonment and came back one day to kill the owner. ......

Once, my mother and I went out shopping together. On the way, we met a young mother with two children. It's the same as my family. One son and one daughter, the girl is the elder sister, and the mother is holding her younger brother. That girl is chasing her. Mother kept urging the girl to hurry up. When my mother saw this photo, she suddenly seemed to see us in the past and said to me, "This is how I brought you up when you were two children. You are all too young. At that time, I had to carry things in one hand and hold J in the other. That's how you chased me. If someone sees it, she will make fun of a little girl and ask your mother to pick you up ... "She seems to be lost in memories, but I am heartless.

Of course I remember. In fact, when I was young, I doubted whether I was my own child many times. Maybe I was sensitive since I was a child and influenced by some TV dramas. There is no doubt that my parents love me, and I have been deeply moved by their love many times and feel very happy. But I never feel that I am the happiest person, because there is one person who must be happier than me, that is J. In the past thousands of days and nights, I have fantasized countless times that if my parents only have one child, I must be the happiest. I must always be an obedient girl, and I will never use snacks again. I don't have to scrimp and save for my parents because J spends too much money on medical treatment at school. I don't have to listen to my parents arguing about J anymore ..... if only it was me.

My mother asked me more than once why I didn't become as extreme as J in the same family education and growth environment. I just feel funny and helpless. Shouldn't you ask yourself this question? What was my answer then? I seem to have just said, "If I become a J, you must be crazy, too?" In fact, I thought to myself later, why, maybe only I know the answer-because I don't want to disappoint my parents, so I will stick to it no matter what I meet, because this family is already very bad, and I can't collapse again; Because I want to be a "sister", I want to be a good example; Because ..... because of resentment, dissatisfaction, and unfairness, I have been trying to make myself excellent, doing things that I didn't dare to try in the past, as if to prove to my mother: Look, I did it, but your son didn't. Didn't you let me set an example? I set an example, but this is the result. Is it my fault?

Now, his parents are old. J is an adult, but he still stays at home and does nothing every day. Dad tried to take him to work, but it still didn't work. He couldn't live without his parents, and he didn't want to work and wronged himself. He just wants to stay in a comfortable room and play games. My parents have always comforted themselves with "he is sick", but I have always believed that he is not sick. No patient will know how much money is in my dad's bank card, and no patient will behave so normally, but he can't work. He just doesn't want to get out of the cage. I don't want to explain more, and I don't want to argue with my parents about it. Just like an outsider can't understand their compromise and tolerance for J, when I first learned the words "mourn for his misfortune, anger at his indisputable", I had a profound understanding.

I don't know what effect my negative attitude will have, but I'm really tired. I get along with my friends at school with heavy thoughts every day, watching them buy beautiful clothes and expensive cosmetics to dress themselves up, while I have to worry about trivial matters and living expenses at home. I have thought about that fantasy more than once: if only my parents had a child, if only I were not my sister. ......

Over the years, as a "sister", I never seem to feel superior, perhaps because we are not too different. My criticisms and warnings seem to have no deterrent effect on him, and I am not a person who likes to command and lead others. Even J has never called me "sister", which has always been a proper noun. When I was young, I often played together. Later, I went to middle school and came back one day every two weeks, and our intersection was even less. Up to now, even if we eat together, we won't say a word and we won't be embarrassed. We are used to it. Parents will no longer emphasize "I am a sister". Gradually, the label "Sister" is getting farther and farther away from me. I think I should be happy.

I remember the first winter vacation in college. In order to get rid of the troubles at home and prove to my parents, I dragged my suitcase to a factory to do winter work. Before I went, my mother strongly disagreed. I'm afraid I'll be cheated, saying I'm too young. I just looked at her and kept talking, thinking: she finally remembered that she not only had a son, but also a daughter of similar age. I was just an adult, just a little girl who wanted to be spoiled as a little princess by her parents, but this wish can only be realized in the next life. I just looked at her, and when she finished, the next moment I was pushing my suitcase to take the bus. Good girls are long gone, and being cheated is also a kind of growth. You can't give me the right ability to overcome difficulties Can't I go outside to study by myself? Do you want me to be by your side like J all the time, but is it necessarily safe to be by your side? Can't make mistakes? Maybe I'm right. From then on, I was never left to choose, and my mother realized that I had grown up. Sometimes I'm right, sometimes I won't listen anyway. After I got the money from that job, I went to a large supermarket nearby by myself. Like a child, I chose every snack and commodity I like willfully. Everything I like, I only like what I like, and most importantly, it belongs to me alone. With my own money, I don't have to worry about saving money for my parents, how to share it equally when I go home, what J will do if he grabs my snacks again, and I don't have to hear my mother's sentence "You are my sister, make room for him" ... When I got home that day, I looked at the bag and felt the satisfaction of being alone for the first time.

I was born in the first year of the new century. It stands to reason that at that time, family planning was very strict, and there were many only children, but our family could still have two children under high fines. My mother kept saying that she was fined when she gave birth to J, but she gave it back to me when she gave birth to me. Because the doctor found a benign tumor in my mother's uterus when she gave birth to me, my father bought an insurance for my mother before giving birth to me, so the insurance company gave me money. When my mother joked with others that I had been with the tumor for ten months, I was complaining why her life was in danger last time and she wanted another baby. Once I asked my mother why she had to give birth to J even if she was fined. She just said, knowing that she had him, she thought she could support her. If it was a boy, she wouldn't have both children ... Later, it turned out to be a boy, but things didn't go as smoothly as expected-

In fact, until now, I still hate their original decision. Why do ordinary rural families have to raise two children? I don't know that the idea that boys can carry on the family line is still in their minds, but I think there should be, especially my mother, because she grew up in a family with three daughters. I remember when I was a child, I often heard my mother tell us how many stupid things her mother used to do to have a son. Admittedly, my mother never said that she liked her son better, and I never lacked love, but I can still feel who I like better. This may be because I am my sister, so I am more blatant or more justified.

But in fact, the idea that "the big one should make way for the small one" is wrong in itself. Every child is equal and everyone should get what he deserves. The youngest is four years old, the oldest is six years old, and the youngest is younger. If the big one makes way for the small one, why doesn't anyone make way for the big one when he is four years old? The younger one hugs at the age of four, and the older one follows his mother at the age of six. Why does the younger one hug at the age of six? I have a lot to say. It's not that children are not sensible. This is an exhortation to reason and education.

I don't want to be a sister. Looking back on the past 20 years, I have only enjoyed the "only child" life for one and a half years since I was born, and I can't remember that memory for a long time. I have been a sister for nearly 20 years, and I am trapped by the label "Sister" and my family. To tell the truth, I really envy the only child around me. I am not afraid of loneliness. On the contrary, I like loneliness. Maybe it is natural, maybe it is acquired, but I want it more. I am very possessive. I have reflected on myself that this possessiveness may gradually increase. But the fact can't be changed, so I began to try to get rid of it. I was so eager for more "preference" before, but I couldn't get it. Now, I don't need it. I used to hope that one day my mother could play with me for a day, but now my mother says she wants to go out with me, and I refuse more times, not in anger. It was naive at that time, but the present situation at home and my mother's mentality were different from mine, and that possessiveness gradually alienated.

The last time I went out to take the subway with my mother, I sat next to a mother with a pair of children. Mother took pains to explain the subway route, but I listened, but I didn't take a partial look. But I can feel from her words that she must be a good mother, and I envy her daughter very much. After leaving the subway station, my mother seemed to want to say something to me, but she didn't say it in the end.

If I have a child of my own in the future, I hope it is a girl. Only one is enough. I will give her all my love. She will no longer be a "sister", but she will know how to be modest. She will make many good friends, and then she will take the initiative to give her good things and snacks to others. She can choose whether to give, how much to give, how much to herself and how much to share. ......