★ Your lover is not around, are you worried that he will secretly love someone else? And the image of a third party will come to mind? If you are always worried that your's relationship will not last long, then you may be anxious and attached. ★ Will your lover belittle you and make fun of your figure? Will you be annoyed by the sound and way of eating? If a lover always pays attention to your imperfections and compares you with your predecessor, he should be an avoidant attachment style. ★ Why doesn't he understand romance? Don't you feel your heart beating faster with him? You may have a safe lover. He doesn't play tricks or emotional games, and understands that the true meaning of feelings lies in peaceful coexistence for a lifetime. How to find a safe lover? How to get along with avoidant lovers? How to appease anxious lovers? In the book, the author divides people's performance in love into three different attachment styles, and this book also gives answers to many love problems that plague people. Reading books about love will teach you to find the right person when you are in love and become a happy person after marriage. Dr middot Levin is a professor, psychiatrist and neurologist at Columbia university. Dr. Levin and two Nobel laureates are the principal researchers of the National Institutes of Health. He runs a psychological clinic and now lives in new york with his family. Rachel middotS.F. Heller, Master of Psychology, Senior Psychologist of Columbia University. Rachel has helped many families and couples improve their parent-child relationship and love relationship. He has worked in well-known consulting companies such as PricewaterhouseCoopers and KPMG. The editor recommended the first Chinese translation of attachment theory. Based on real cases and 20 years of scientific research, three types of love are creatively put forward: anxiety type, avoidance type and safety type. ◎ The three accessories have distinct styles, and a large number of cases and exercises enable readers to learn and use them immediately. ◎ The content covers all kinds of love relationships and is suitable for all people who want to fall in love, are in love and are married. Easy to read, super practical, and the case contains optimistic wisdom. Whether you are interested in relationships or psychology, it is worth seeing. UndersTAnd ta's heart, starting with understanding ta's attachment style! Introduction to Attachment Science Theory Chapter 1 Attachment Theory takes you out of the mystery of love Chapter 2, Correctly treating dependence Part 1, Love Toolbox &; Mdash& ampmdash Attachment Style Analysis Chapter III What is my attachment style? Chapter four What is the attachment style of lovers? Part II Attachment Style and Daily Life Chapter V Sensitive and Anxious Attachment Style Chapter VI Avoidant Attachment Style and Keeping a Distance from Love Chapter VII Intimate and Safe Attachment Style Part III Attachment Style Conflict Chapter VIII Anxiety Avoidant Emotional Trap Chapter IX Happy Navigation of Anxiety Avoidant Relationship Chapter X How to Say Goodbye to Avoidant Lovers Chapter IV Effective Communication with Safe Lovers: Let the other person know what you mean Chapter X Chapter II Brief Introduction to Security Conflict Resolution Methods This book condenses the essence of many years of attachment relationship research results. The theory in the book is close to reality, interesting and practical. After the concise theory, supplemented by detailed and specific cases, it is very enlightening. It is very useful for readers who want to find love and improve their relationship with lovers. Attachment theory is a profound and complex academic theory, which is not only related to the growth of children and the upbringing of parents, but also related to love. The focus of this book is attachment in love. When writing this book, we spared no effort to turn complex academic concepts into popular and practical guidance and suggestions, so that the contents in the book are closely related to the love life of ordinary people. In the process of writing, we also refer to the achievements of several scholars. In this field, there are many dazzling achievements and incisive and original opinions, but due to space constraints, it is deeply regrettable that they cannot be listed one by one. The first chapter, attachment theory, takes you out of the love puzzle &; Middot& ampmiddot Do you always want to please him when you are in love? Are you worried that you are not attractive enough to keep his heart? & ampmiddot& ampmiddot Why is he always absent-minded? Why not take the initiative to call? & ampmiddot& ampmiddot has superior conditions and low requirements. Why haven't I met the right ta &；; Middot& ampmiddot& ampmiddot Why is the relationship between husband and wife getting weaker and weaker, and there is almost nothing to say? Those hurt loves &; Middot& ampmiddot I've only been in love for two weeks and I'm exhausted. I am always worried that my boyfriend will find me unattractive, and I stare at my mobile phone anxiously every day, wondering if he will call. I know that my inferiority complex, anxiety, anxiety and pessimistic expectation of feelings will destroy this relationship again. What's wrong with & ampmiddot& ampmiddot? I am smart, handsome and successful. As a man, I can provide many things for women. I have talked about several excellent girlfriends, but every time I fall in love, within a few weeks, I lose interest in them, feel bound and free. Is it so difficult to find a girlfriend who hits it off? & ampmiddot& ampmiddot have been married for many years, but they feel deeply lonely. My husband never talks to me, nor does he talk about feelings. Recently, things have gotten worse. Almost every working day, he works overtime until late. On weekends, he either plays golf with friends or sits indoors, turns on the TV and watches sports programs. There is no way to improve the status quo and narrow the distance. Maybe it's better if I stay alone. Each of the above cases contains hidden pains in the hearts of the parties and touches their unspeakable scars. Regarding feelings, there has never been any theory that can explain all the problems, and there is no method that is suitable for everyone. Everyone's experience is unique, and there are countless possible deep-seated reasons for encountering emotional problems. To understand a person's emotional world is to understand this person comprehensively and deeply: his growth experience, love experience, personality type, other aspects of life, etc. Only when hellip& amphellip psychologists understand these situations can they put forward really useful opinions on their emotional problems. As psychologists, we use this traditional method to understand people's emotional problems. Until one day, we discovered a new scientific theory. It is like a gust of wind, blowing away the fog of love. At first glance, the above three situations seem to have no clue, but this new theory can give a clear explanation. At the same time, this theory can also explain many seemingly complicated emotional entanglements in life. Inspiration is the personal experience of friends around you. My friend Tamara experienced an unforgettable love, and finally she was scarred. Her story may inspire you. & ampmiddot Between lovers, spoony women meet careless men? The story begins with a romantic encounter. That day, I hurried by Greenwich Avenue and accidentally saw a man sitting on a bench by the side of the road. His handsome appearance and clear eyes immediately attracted my attention. This is Greg. I didn't expect life to be so tangled. A few days later, we went out for dinner with several other friends. When my eyes meet, I can feel the love in his eyes, which makes my heart beat faster. There was a hint of wanting to be with me in his words, and I was ecstatic. He makes me feel that my life will no longer be lonely. This is what he did. Tamara, you won't always stay at home alone. You can come to my house. & amprdquo& ampldquo; You can call me at any time. & amprdquo These words have comforted me and made me feel that my heart belongs to me, and I don't have to face the world alone. If I had been more careful, I wouldn't have heard the implication of his words. In fact, he doesn't want to be too close to me and dare not make a commitment. Several times, he mentioned that he had never had a stable relationship &; Somehow, he easily gets tired of the women around him and can't settle down emotionally. I vaguely felt that something was wrong. But I was carried away by love at that time, and I couldn't see clearly what effect his personality tendency would have on me. A strong belief controls me: love can conquer everything, as everyone has believed since childhood. In this way, the impulse of love overcame the defense of reason. Being with him is the most important thing for me. At this time, the unstable factors in his character surfaced. I didn't pay attention to his changes. I firmly believe that I can settle him down. It turns out that I was wrong. The closer I get to him, the more alienated and unlike him. He began to talk like this: he was too busy to see me at night; He has been busy all week, so he can't see me until the weekend. Although I don't say it on the surface, I feel something is wrong in my heart. What the hell is this problem? I felt uneasy and began to feel anxious. I watched his whereabouts carefully, sensitive to his every move, for fear that he would suddenly break up. But Greg expressed his impatience with obvious actions, expressed his love at the same time and apologized to me. Things have never reached the point of breaking up. The feelings between us rose and fell, and finally, I collapsed. I lost my judgment and was in a daze every day. In order to wait for his call and appointment, I stopped meeting other friends. What I used to love is no longer interesting. Soon after, this relationship was like a tight rubber band, and it was hard to bear the huge tension, so it came to an abrupt end and was painful. We are friends of Tamara. At first, we saw Tamara meet the right person and were really happy for her. But with the development of their feelings, Tamara lost herself more and more, which worried us. She used to be full of energy, but now she is very anxious. She is preoccupied with Greg, waiting for his call most of the time, or dreaming anxiously about their future. Tamara can't get along with us as happily as before. Not only that, but her work performance has also been affected and become unsatisfactory. She thinks that if this continues, she may lose her job. In my opinion, Tamara has always been tough and can cope with the changes in life calmly. Seeing her like this, we can't help wondering if she is really that strong? She also knows that Greg's past relationship is not long, and his personality is changeable. She even said that she might be happier after breaking up. However, she still didn't have enough courage to leave him. Tamara was originally a mature and intelligent woman. She is so unconventional and her personality has changed greatly that we psychologists are puzzled. Tamara is very successful in other ways. Why is she so desperate and passive in love? She can successfully cope with other challenges in life. How could she be in such a mess when she met Greg? There is one more thing, which is also puzzling. Greg clearly loves Tamara, which even we onlookers can see clearly. But why is he indifferent to Tamara's hot and cold? All these problems can be explained by many complicated psychological theories. Surprisingly, the real answer is actually very simple, but it is also very thorough and profound, pointing directly to the essence behind the disturbing appearance. Attachment, from childhood to Tamara falling in love with Greg, Amir, one of the authors of this book, was working part-time at the Children's Treatment and Care Center of Columbia University. In the children's treatment and care center, Amir helps parents and children to establish a safer relationship according to the child attachment theory. He found that attachment therapy can improve the parent-child relationship. Later, he made a deeper study of attachment theory. He read the famous attachment theorist Cindy &; Middot Cindy Hazan and Philip &; Middot Philip Schaefer's original research results. Their research shows that attachment and parent-child attachment have many similarities. After reading a large number of related books, Amir found that the performance of adults in love accords with the description of attachment theory in most cases. He realized that attachment theory was by no means empty talk. It is of great guiding significance to daily life and can help many people improve their emotional state. Amir was excited by this surprising discovery. He immediately called Rachel, the co-author of this book. He said that although the performance in love seems complicated and disorganized, it can actually be explained by attachment theory. In view of the potential role of attachment theory, we should combine academic research with real cases to make it an operational guide to love relations, so as to facilitate people to understand attachment theory and really improve their love life. Amir's point of view received a positive response from Rachel, and they decided to study the attachment theory together and explore its application in reality. Security, anxiety and avoidance are similar to children's attachment, and mainly include three types: security, anxiety and avoidance, which reflect different people's needs for intimate relationships and their interaction with lovers. Generally speaking, the performance of security groups in love is gentle and kind, and they can enjoy intimate relationships best. Although anxious groups also long for intimacy, they often worry and fear that lovers' love will not last long. Avoidant groups, on the other hand, avoid intimacy and think that intimacy makes them lose their freedom, so they always avoid getting too close to their lovers. To sum up, the three groups mainly have the following differences:&; Middot& ampmiddot have different views on intimacy and interdependence &; Middot& ampmiddot have different ways to deal with contradictions &; Middot& ampmiddot's different attitudes towards sex&; Middot& ampmiddot have different abilities to express their wishes and needs &; Middot& ampmiddot have different expectations for relationships. Most people in society, whether they are teenagers in Seeds of Love or couples who have been married for a long time, can find their own style from these three attachment types. There are also a few people who belong to the combination of the latter two types, that is, anxiety avoidance. Among all attachment types, more than 50% belong to safety type, about 20% belong to anxiety type, 25% belong to avoidance type, and the remaining 3% ~ 5% can be classified as the fourth type, namely anxiety avoidance type. In love, tangled behavior is really puzzling. However, attachment theory has opened up a new perspective. There are hundreds of academic papers and dozens of monographs on attachment research. These achievements have proved time and again that attachment not only exists, but also transcends countries and cultures, showing amazing universality and applicability in lovers all over the world. The performance of lovers sometimes confuses us. Now as long as we know his attachment style, it is easy to understand those abnormal behaviors. In fact, people's words and deeds in love, no matter how incredible, are influenced by their attachment style. ☆ How are different attachment styles formed in extended reading? At first, people thought that attachment style was mainly influenced by childhood environment. The situation that children are taken care of by their parents directly determines the future attachment type of children. In other words, if parents care about their children, are sensitive to their emotions, understand their needs and actively satisfy them, then these children will grow into safe attachment types. If parents are absent-minded and suddenly love their children and ignore them, then the children will develop into anxious attachment type in the future. If parents completely ignore their children and don't care about their needs, then their adulthood is a typical avoidant attachment style. These assumptions seem reasonable, but they are not accurate and comprehensive. Today's research results tell us that there are many factors that affect the formation of attachment style, and childhood environment is only one of them. Many other aspects, including life experience, are also key factors. Related content is described in detail in Chapter 7 of this book. Understanding Tamara and Greg's emotional problems with attachment theory: After understanding the attachment theory, let's review Tamara's story. Her entanglement with Greg, like a mess, is quite complicated and confusing. However, from the perspective of attachment theory, everything is reasonable. Greg's avoidance of Greg shows that he is a typical avoidant attachment style. His thoughts, behaviors and communication styles are all restricted by avoidant attachment style. In fact, Greg didn't want to alienate Tamara, but he couldn't help but criticize her in every way, causing disputes and plunging their relationship into a negative cycle. It is because I can't get rid of my attachment style that I involuntarily made the above mistakes and alienated Tamara step by step. He loves Tamara, but he never expresses it in words. He wanted to get close to Tamara, but at the same time he felt contradictory and instinctively refused her. Their love is full of twists and turns, not because of&; He doesn't ldquo her&; Rdquo, this is not because Tamara is secretly worried. Ldquo She is not good enough for him&; rdquo。 In the final analysis, Greg tried to alienate Tamara only because Tamara was too attached to him, and their intimacy went beyond the defensive line of avoidant attachment style. Tamara's anxiety, like Tamara's neuroticism in love, can also be explained by attachment style. Her behavior pattern, thinking mode and coping style belong to the typical anxious attachment type. Not knowing the attachment style, she can neither understand Greg's words and deeds nor control her anxiety. So, in the face of Greg's alienation, she was on pins and needles and couldn't work with peace of mind. She fell into endless worries and was sensitive to Greg's every move. Although she rationally feels that breaking up is an inevitable result, she can't muster up the courage to take this step. She knew that her love for Greg was adding fuel to the fire, and her friends gave her good advice, but she stayed with Greg without hesitation. This is all caused by anxiety and attachment style. Their attachment styles are different and unsafe, so Tamara and Greg love each other very hard and can't be together. Their fundamental difference lies in their attachment style. Both words and actions are stimulating each other to develop in a worse direction. The more Tamara yearns for physical and mental closeness, the more Greg wants to get rid of her gentle trap and seek independence and freedom. After several repetitions, the two finally parted ways. In the process of their love, attachment theory, like their intimate friends, witnessed their intimate moments and gained insight into their inner world. Attachment theory can explain their love dilemma seamlessly. For this problem, other types of psychological explanations are often vague and ambiguous, leaving a lot of room for explanation. In contrast, the attachment theory is extremely accurate, which clears the fog of love and directly points out the root of the problem. Attachment theory clarifies that once the attachment style of love is determined, will it accompany one's life? That's not true. On average, a quarter of people change their attachment types every four years. However, the problem now is that most people don't understand the attachment theory and their attachment style, let alone realize its changes. Then, if everyone can grasp the wonderful change of attachment style in the long process of life, how good would it be? If everyone can consciously guide their attachment style to develop in a safe direction, then love life will usher in a brand-new tomorrow, not as stormy as a lonely boat in the sea. Attachment theory broadens our horizons and enables us to understand the love problem in life in a new way. We find that no matter how complicated the surface is, everyone's love is always inseparable from the core of attachment type.