I have been to the hospital. The husband said to his wife.

What did the doctor say? The wife asked.

He told me to have a good rest and be absolutely quiet. This is the sleeping pill he prescribed.

Ok, I will take care of you and take your medicine on time.

No, this medicine is for you. The husband said.

golden wedding

A couple went on their honeymoon. In the hotel room, the wife enthusiastically said to her husband, do you remember our wedding night when we kissed me warmly?

How dare I forget?

So, you try again now.

Mr. Wang grabbed his wife in one hand and did not move for a long time. My wife urged, what's the matter?

Wait a minute, my false teeth are missing.

Does anyone mind?

The obese wife tried many ways to lose weight, but it never worked. Recently, she has gained weight. Pants are easy to put on but difficult to take off. One night, she sighed to her husband: I hope I can be a grandmother when I am old. At that time, no one cared how fat I was.

No, some people mind, too The husband said.

Who is it?

Grandpa.

extradite

Wife: Honey, stop drinking, or you will get drunk!

Husband: It's good to be drunk. The director asked me to play an alcoholic this time. I just want to experience it.

Wife: OK, I'll go!

Husband: Hey, why are you leaving?

Wife: I have read the script. Every time the drunkard gets drunk, his wife goes out to hide for a few days.

I dyed the wool and cut my hair short when I came home.

John's secretary was drunk at the dinner party, so John had to drive her home. When he got home, John didn't tell his wife about it for fear that she wouldn't understand.

The next afternoon, John and his wife drove to the movies. Suddenly, he found a woman's leather shoes at her feet. He used her eyes to look out of the window, picked up the leather shoes and threw them out of the window, which was a relief.

Unexpectedly, at this moment, my wife turned her head, touched John with her foot and asked, John, have you seen my other shoe?

Wife's worry

A salesman's wife cried and said, every time you go out, I am worried.

Her husband comforted her and said, honey, don't worry about me. I'll be back any minute.

My wife said, I know, so I'm worried.

Fashion reasons

Do you know why men like to have long hair like women nowadays?

Because, if your lover or wife finds long hair on their clothes, he will smile and say: This is my hair! Will be more angry. Rich man Ge Lang travels abroad and always dreams that his wife is having an affair with a young man when he sleeps at night. One day, he finally sent a telegram home.

When Nasu, the maid, received the letter, she quickly read it to the hostess: Madam, the hostess said, I have received a letter. After I left, a young man entered the building every night. In order to find out the truth, I will go home at once.

After hearing this, Ge Lang's wife was afraid that things would be revealed and was at a loss.

Suddenly, a happy expression appeared on her face. She said to Nasu, Honey, if you have any ideas, just say that the young man has come to see you!

Hearing this, sunna quickly said, that won't do! Ma' am The master will be more angry when he knows.

Don't be superstitious

The charming lady invited the handsome salesman to her apartment, but soon she heard her husband's familiar footsteps in the hall: there was only one door in the apartment. She whispered to the shop assistant that you must go out the window.

She pushed him to the bedroom window and ordered him to jump!

But, madam. The salesman's voice is hoarse. We are on 13 floor.

Jump! Madam ordered again, there is no time for superstition!

Gunpoint threat

The opera house was crowded with people, and there were many couples in the audience.

Suddenly, a man broke into the corridor, waving a pistol and shouting, my wife and a man are inside, please call her out quickly, or I will shoot!

The panicked manager rushed to the stage and announced, "There is a man with a pistol in the corridor." According to him, there were his wife and other men in the audience.

If so, ask her to go out the side door!

Within a minute, almost all the women in the opera house were gone.

Family jokes _ funny jokes

Family jokes _ funny jokes _ just around the corner

I've been running for three days, and I haven't seen Halley's comet. What a pity! The husband complained wearily.

It doesn't matter. Although comets only meet once in 76 years, I am by your side every day. The wife comforted.

Wedding quip

At the wedding reception, people must ask the groom to answer why he fell in love with the bride.

He said: I don't know, or I may make a big mistake. At first, I just fell in love with her dimples, because I was greedy; But now I want to marry her!

Prepare for the funeral

After the couple quarreled, the wife said, I don't want to live. Give me a rope and let me die!

Is there anything else I need to prepare?

Yes, when I hung it up, you immediately cut the rope with a knife.

Second choice

The nurse asked her father who was waiting outside the delivery room, Well, do you want a boy or a girl?

Boy!

However, I'm afraid this is a girl!

It's okay, it's okay, it's my second choice.

pay attention to

I have been reading a woman's autobiography recently, which mentions that her husband always hides love notes everywhere at home for her to read when doing daily housework. I envy her very much, so I told my down-to-earth husband about it, and he didn't seem to believe it.

The next morning, when I was in a hurry to clear the breakfast table, my husband seemed to be waiting for me. Suddenly, I found a note under the plate. I eagerly opened it and read it. It says: hurry up!

Anonymous love letter

I really can't think of the best gift for my wife on her birthday. It's not expensive, and it can make her happy.

Write her an anonymous love letter.

strong motion earthquake

Wife: Honey, if the weather is fine tomorrow, accompany me to the street to buy some clothes! What did the weather forecast say just now?

Husband: It's raining heavily, windy and thundering, and there may be a strong earthquake!

can

Do you like me wearing this dress? The young wife who is dressing up in front of the mirror asked her husband.

"It's ugly," the husband replied. Why don't you take it back?

Ah, this can't be returned. My wife said excitedly, I bought this three years ago. But since you don't like it, go and buy me a new one!

Clock stuttering

What time is it now? Mrs Jonny asked doubtfully when she heard her husband come back in her sleep.

About 1 point! The husband replied.

Just then, the clock struck three times.

Oh, whatever. He said loudly, since when did this clock stutter?

Churchill's brilliant achievements

Churchill said of his wife: I think the most brilliant achievement in my life is that I persuaded my wife to marry me.

Secrets of Love

Reporter: Why can your husband and wife get along so long?

Builders: A solid foundation is the most important.

Electrician: There are sparks from time to time, but we connected the safety ground wire.

Hotel owner: Warm environment, pleasant atmosphere and attention to privacy.

Chemist: Love is a panacea.

Postman: Be diligent in communication.

misunderstand

My wife likes long-distance running, but some dogs often bark at her. When his wife was running, her husband had to ride a bicycle behind her and hit the dog with a wooden stick. One day, a driver saw this scene, watching his wife running in front and his husband riding a bike with a stick. He couldn't help crying: this is the real abuse!

Unique skills

He took a heavy shotgun and left it at home. Whenever his wife loses her temper, he always cleans the gun without saying a word. Her face turned white with fear, and a civil war ended before it started.

A friend asked him: Is she afraid that you will kill her?

No, she's afraid I'll kill myself. He said proudly.

playing sandbags

A couple often quarrel, and the wife always gets the upper hand. Then the husband angrily left the quarrel place and went to the basement. Here he slammed the sandbag 15 minutes and vented all his anger on the sandbag. Only in this way can he feel better. One day, something unexpected happened. The husband actually got the upper hand in the quarrel. Worried that his wife would be angry, her husband suggested that she try boxing. The wife accepted the suggestion. After knocking 10 minutes, the wife went back upstairs with a big smile on her face.

Why are you so happy? The husband asked.

Why are you unhappy? I knocked you out in the third round

Round-trip fare

A newly married couple had an argument. Finally, the wife couldn't stand it any longer and began to cry. I'm finished with you. Now I'm going to pack up and leave here and go back to my parents' house.

Very good, dear. The husband said, this is the fare for you.

She counted and said, what about the return fare?

Cheating jokes in funny quotations

An interesting cheating joke.

Husband and wife have lovers outside, often go out to seek excitement by themselves, and rarely spend the night together. One day, both of them were at home, feeling a little guilty, so they were gentle. I don't want the two of them to sleep until the early hours of the morning, when my wife suddenly turned over and sat up and said loudly in her dream, "Oh, no, my husband is back!" " "My husband got up at once, quickly picked up all the clothes and jumped out of the window ... classic Weibo quotations.

Various versions of cheating jokes make you laugh at once.

Comment: So, it's not that a family doesn't enter a house, you are really a perfect match!

A very expensive cheating joke.

One night, a man walked into a bar and said to the bartender, "Please give me a beer." Bartender: "All right, a glass of beer, a penny." The guest didn't believe it and shouted, "a glass of beer for a penny?" ! "Bartender: Exactly, a penny!" "The guest looked at the menu and said," May I have a big rib steak with mushrooms and French fries and two fried eggs? Bartender: "Sure, but it's expensive." . Customer: "How much is that?" "Bartender:" A total of * * * forty cents! Guest: "Where is the owner of this bar?" "Bartender:" upstairs with my wife! Guest: What is he doing upstairs with your wife? Bartender: "just like what I did to his bar downstairs!" " "

Comments: Deal with a man as he deals with you, who dares you to do things that ruin people!

A "corrupt" cheating joke

A boss drove on a business trip for several days in a row. Because he was lonely, he went to a nightclub to find a beautiful woman and spent 1000 yuan a night. In order to avoid the investigation of the wife in charge of finance, a receipt for maintenance was issued. Note: it's very hot, and the tire is flat. You should bring a new one.

Comment: You have your plan and I have my countermeasures. The boss is not ordinary!

A very "inexplicable" cheating joke

There is a seaside village where most men often go out to sea and stay for a long time. Almost everyone in the village has an affair, but after the affair, they will go to the priest to confess. After a while, the priest suggested to the women: "In the future, we will call the word infidelity depravity. Just say [fall] and I will know! " Later, the old priest retired. Before he left, he specifically asked the village head to tell the new priest the meaning of the word depravity, but after the new priest took office, the village head forgot to tell the new priest about it. Women still go to the priest to confess, and every day someone tells the priest that I fell down today. Because too many people fell, the priest went to the village head. He suggested that the village head should strengthen road construction to prevent too many people from falling down frequently. Unexpectedly, the village chief smiled. Father unknown so, seeing the village chief laughing so happily, said angrily, "What are you laughing at! The village chief's wife has fallen three times this week! "

Comment: So don't get carried away, new priest, you don't know much about customs!

An unforgettable cheating joke

One day, a funeral worker worked late. His job is usually to examine the body in detail before it is sent to burial or incineration. When he was examining Mr. Wang's body, he was surprised to find that Mr. Wang's things were the longest and largest he had ever seen in his life. "Mr. Wang, I'm really sorry! I can't just send you to be cremated. This special thing of yours must be left to future generations. " So the coroner cut it off with a surgical knife, wrapped it in a leather bag and took it home. The first one showed it to his wife: "Wife, I will show you something you will never believe!" " "He opened his wallet and took it out. His wife saw it and shouted, "Oh, my God! Mr. Wang is dead! "

Comment: How should the wife explain afterwards? The explanation is hiding, I can't tell!

A "tragic" cheating joke

Lao Zheng was lying dying in his hospital bed, and his wife Xiao Chan was sitting by the bed, holding his hand, tears streaming down her face and mumbling prayers. Lao Zheng opened his weak eyes and looked at Xiao Chan. He opened his pale lips and whispered, "Dear Xiao Chan, ..." Xiao Chan covered her mouth and said, "You are tired! Sleep quietly, be good, don't talk! " Lao Zheng said weakly, "But I have something to confess to you!" "There is nothing to say! You are tired, you'd better have a good sleep! " Shaw war sobbed and said. "no! Don't! Don't! I must repent, and I will die peacefully. I once slept with your sister, your best friend, your best friend's friend. " Xiao Zhan sobbed softly: "I know, that's why I want to poison you!" " "

Comment: My wife's last words will never let him die peacefully. It's not practical to die It's so depressing

Cheating jokes with "handles"

Two women were drinking in the suburbs until dawn. On the way back, they were impatient, so they crustily skin of head and walked into a cemetery on the side of the road. Because she didn't bring any toilet paper, the first woman took off her underwear, wiped it and threw it away. The second woman found a wreath beside her, so she tore off the couplets and wiped them. Shortly after the two women came home, their husbands exchanged phones. "It seems that we have to be careful. They must have something last night. Come back and find that my wife is not wearing underwear! " "I'm more sad. I found a note on my wife's ass, which said, "I will never forget you!" "

Comment: This kind of thing is probably hard to say clearly, who makes the "handle" so conclusive!

A very "unexpected" cheating joke

There is a middle-aged couple. They have two very beautiful daughters, but they are always eager to have a son. They finally decided to make one last attempt. After months of hard work, God was rewarded. The lady was pregnant and gave birth to a healthy little boy nine months later. The happy father rushed to the nursery to see his newborn son, but he was frightened by what he saw. His son is the ugliest baby he has ever seen. He ran to see his wife and told her that he could never be the father of the child, and asked her fiercely, "Are you stealing a man behind my back?" His wife smiled sweetly at him and said, "Not this time."

Comment: Fortunately, I have my own son. If I am neither, it will be even worse!

A "coincidence" deception joke

A woman is fooling around with her lover while her husband is working. One day, while they were sleeping, the woman heard her husband's car coming back. She called her lover anxiously. "Take the clothes and jump out of the window!" " "Her lover looked at it and said," It's raining hard outside. You want me to jump out? ""If my husband catches us both, we will all die. " The woman cried, her lover had to pick up her clothes and jump out of the window. As a result, he jumped into a group of marathoners and had to join the running while carrying his clothes. A contestant asked him, "Are you used to streaking?" He gasped and replied, "Yes, it can reduce air resistance. "Another runner asked the streaker again," Are you used to holding clothes in your hand when you run? He replied a little breathlessly, "Yes, in that case, I can get dressed and drive home after the game." "

Comment: Such a wise lover is really rare, which is why it is so popular!

A very warm cheating joke

A woman and her lover were lying in bed when she suddenly heard the voice of her husband opening the door and entering the room. "quick! Stand still in that corner! " The woman quickly smeared baby oil on his whole body, then sprinkled lime powder and whispered to him, "Stand still and pretend to be a plaster statue." When her husband came into the room, he pointed to something in the corner: "What's that?" The woman said quietly, "Oh! It's just a plaster cast. There is also one in Cai's bedroom, which I think is quite beautiful, so I also got a home decoration. " The couple never mentioned the plaster statue again until they went to bed. At about two o'clock in the morning, the husband got up and went to the kitchen to eat. When he returned to his room, he handed the plaster statue a sandwich and a glass of milk in his hand and said, "Come, have something to eat!"! Don't stand at Cai's house all day like me, I haven't even drunk a mouthful of water. "

Comment: Long live understanding, this husband should win the most cultivated cuckold award!

Classic Funny Quotations-Jokes Collection

"Tom, what are you doing digging a hole?"

"My goldfish died, so I will build a grave for it."

"Is this pit too big?"

"Impossible, the goldfish is in your cat's belly."

The little toad saw the frog and asked its mother, "That uncle looks like us, but why is he green?"

Mother Toad: "Shh! Keep your voice down, that's because his wife has gone to spend Valentine's Day with someone else. "

An old lady was sitting in a chair in the park, and a child came up and said, "Grandma, are your teeth okay?"

"No, it's all gone."

So the child took out a bag of walnuts and said, "Please hold it for me. I'll play ball for a while ... "

Teacher: "How to tell the octopus's hands and feet?"

Student: "Give it a fart and smell it. It's the hands that will cover your nose, and the others are your feet."

A boy wrote to his girlfriend: Dear, for you, I will cross the ocean and jump into the abyss without hesitation. I will overcome any difficulties! If it doesn't rain, I will find you on time on Sunday!

Three prisoners sat in front of the squint judge. The judge asked majestically, "What's your name? ! "

"Bill", the second prisoner answered honestly.

I didn't ask you! The judge growled:

"But I didn't say anything," replied the third prisoner.

Father: My son, repent for your deep crimes. Otherwise, the gate of heaven will be closed to you.

Thief: Don't worry, there is no door in the world that I can't open.

There is a big wooden sign hanging on a swaggering truck, which reads: "This car collided with other cars 17 times, including 15 victories, 1 draws and only 1 losses. So, think twice before you hit me! "

A county magistrate with a strong accent went to the village to make a report:

Rabbit, shrimp, pig tail! No pickles, pickles are too expensive! !

Attention, comrades and villagers! Stop talking and have a meeting now! ! )

After the county magistrate finished speaking, the host said, "Please give me sausages and pickles!

Now, please talk to the township head! )

The township head said, "Rabbit, the dog ate today's meal, and everyone is a big jerk!"

Comrades, that's enough for today. Let's make a big bowl! )

No pickles, I'll pick up a piece of shit and lick it for you. . .

Don't talk, I'll tell you a story. . .

Congratulations! Your wife just gave birth to a big fat boy in the hospital. You've been out for more than two years, and you don't go home to have a look.

One day, I went on an adventure with you and met a troll. He smells you first, then smells me, and then chooses to eat me. I thought it was unfair, so I asked him why. He said it belonged to the Hui people.

A man was drunk and went home by car. The driver is a lady. The man took off his clothes when he got on the bus. The female driver questioned his behavior, but he was frightened: "What are you doing in my house? I have a wife! "

A man said sadly to his drinking buddy, "I didn't expect my wife to cheat on me." She told me that she was with her sister last night, but in fact, I was with her sister last night! " "

Daughter: "Someone introduced me to an object. His father is a director, his uncle works in the foreign trade department, and his uncle is a manager in Hong Kong! " "Mother:" The conditions are really good, so who are you going to marry? "

A plane flew over a mental hospital. Suddenly, the driver burst out laughing, and the stewardess asked curiously, "Why are you laughing so happily?" Driver: "If they know I ran away, they will be mad!" " "

Boss: "Why are you late today? 」

Shop assistant: "Because you announced yesterday that you can only read newspapers at home. 」

Mother and daughter visit their daughter's boyfriend's art exhibition.

Mother found one of the nude portraits of her daughter, so she asked, "You didn't paint him nude, did you?"

"Oh, no," the daughter replied. "He drew it from memory."

A farmer in a county feeds pigs with swill every day, and as a result, he is fined 10,000 yuan by the Animal Protection Association-cruelty to animals.

Later, the farmer changed to feed the pigs with Saussurea involucrata, and was fined 1 10,000 yuan by the Animal Protection Association for wasting food. One day, the leader visited again and asked the farmers what to feed the pigs. The farmer said, "I don't know what to feed." Now I give it 100 yuan every day and let it go out to eat by itself. "

The shark looked at the windsurfer and said, "What a thoughtful reception! There is breakfast, plates and napkins. 」

In the virgin forests of Africa, explorers travel with local tour guides.

Tourist: "Is it safe here? Will there be cannibals? "

Introduction: "Absolutely impossible!" Because we ate the last cannibal last week! "