As a member of society, we may play the roles of teachers, parents and company managers. We need to encourage others to do many things that they may feel bored, but they can become useful members of society. Moreover, our duty is more challenging than this, not only to make them willing to take the initiative to participate in activities, but also to let them continue to take the initiative to participate in activities without being urged.
Then how can we motivate others to engage in those important and boring activities?
Through the internalization of social values, people can be willing to undertake some important but boring things.
The so-called "internalization" is to integrate external information into your own worldview. For example, parents let a child go out and throw garbage every day. At first, children still need parents to remind them. Later, he remembered that every day when he went out, he paid attention to whether there was garbage to throw, and he no longer needed his parents to urge him. This is the child internalizing this rule.
There are generally two different ways of internalization, one is introspection and the other is integration. First of all, let's talk about what introspection is.
1 introspection forms a false self
Introspection is simply to swallow a rule without "digesting". These rules are generally what should be done, should be done and must be done.
Li Xueqin, the "most native girl" of Peking University, is a girl who was controlled by introspective beliefs since she was a child. When Li Xueqin was in junior high school, her parents divorced and her mother's mood was very unstable. Li Xueqin became her only exit. In order to appease her mother, Li Xueqin forced herself to grow up early and do what she should do sensibly. "I should be the first in the exam", "I should make my mother happy", "I should be admitted to a prestigious school" and "I should not worry my mother" ... She really did it, successfully admitted to the journalism department of Peking University and became a child of others.
However, she didn't realize that "what should be done" had always caused her great trouble and made her very anxious, and even cut her wrist and committed suicide in senior three. Although there was no tragedy in the end, she was diagnosed with depression and began to take a lot of drugs. After graduation, she and her friends around her did what she should do-apply for studying abroad. As a top student, she got the opportunity to study for a master's degree at new york University, but she had to drop out after the first semester because of the aggravation of depression.
As Li Xueqin herself said, she used to feel inferior and always suppressed herself and pleased others. Later, she made up a joke that "her mother was brought up by her", and the audience was amused, but she smiled and expressed her sadness.
Many of us may be similar to Li Xueqin's experience, have been running according to the procedures required by society, and have more or less experienced the influence of introspective beliefs. Introspection drives us to think, feel or act in a certain way, which brings us many side effects.
Because of introspection, we may be swayed by considerations of gain and loss, unable to devote ourselves wholeheartedly, and have anxiety; Because of introspection, we may be full of contradictions, even conflicts, and turn into resistance. Introspection may also create a false self, which makes us lose contact with the real self and get involved in an external social value.
For example, there is a wave of slimming in society, and many women will set foot in their own bodies. If she is thin, she will feel very successful; if she is a little fat, she will be too depressed to lift her head. In order to lose weight, many women will cut their stomachs and induce vomiting. In order to lose weight, they sacrificed their bodies and even their lives. In their eyes, the ego is the body.
Others will involve prestige, reputation, status, professional titles and so on. When self-involved, people only care about their image in the eyes of others, whether their performance is good enough, but ignore their inner and physical needs. Naturally, it will also weaken internal motivation and damage learning ability and creativity.
When introspection and self-involvement express our motivation through conditional self-worth, it will make us form conditional self-esteem. This kind of self-esteem is unstable compared with real self-esteem. Because this kind of self-esteem depends entirely on the existence of external appearances, such as people involved in identity, they are full of enthusiasm as soon as they become famous, and once they are frustrated in officialdom, they can never recover.
In order to change this negative emotional influence and gain real self-esteem, we need to use another form of internalization when accepting social values: integration.
2 Integration to gain real self-esteem
Integration is different from introspection. It has a process of "digestion" and is also the best form of internalization.
There was once a graduate majoring in biology who went to a computer company to apply with his resume. The interviewer asked him why he applied for the job because his major was not right.
He replied that he chose a major he didn't like. The interviewer thinks he is not suitable and doesn't want him. But he went on to say that although he didn't like biology, he still studied hard and got straight A's. After listening to his story, the interviewer felt that the young man was very responsible, responsible and capable of learning, so he hired him on the spot.
The young people in this example, because of internalizing their sense of responsibility, are still determined to do well independently even if they encounter less interesting creatures. This is integration. People's demand for autonomy provides energy for the integration of rules.
Su Dongpo's life can be described as ups and downs. He enjoyed the superior life of ministers and senior officials, but he was demoted to barren land again and again.
But he was not disturbed by those external disputes, and he still wrote poems and cooked leisurely. Even after being demoted, he is still working hard for the welfare of the people, sending porridge and medicine, repairing dikes and building dams. In his view, his social value is not official position or fame, but outstanding talent and magnanimous mind. No matter what hardships he faces, he can enjoy life freely. The values of independence and integration gave him real self-esteem. True self-esteem is accompanied by freedom and responsibility.
3 Support independence and promote the integration of social values
Knowing the difference between the two ways of internalization, when we want to inspire others to accomplish those boring and important things, we need to support them to integrate social values independently. The more fully a person internalizes and integrates his values, the greater his achievements and the better he can adjust them. Other people here may be our children, students, employees, etc.
Professor Desi pointed out that in order to support their autonomy, we need to regard others as people worthy of support and vitality, not as objects manipulated to meet their own needs. So when we communicate with them, we should look at the problem from their perspective and see the world from their perspective.
At the same time, we hope to motivate them to be responsible for things, and we should first assume the responsibility as their social agents. In other words, parents are responsible for their children, teachers are responsible for their students, and managers are responsible for their employees.
In the specific implementation process, there are three main points to pay attention to.
First of all, we should provide a reasonable reason for this boring behavior.
For example, when we ask children to pick up toys on the floor, we can explain to them that only by picking them up and putting them away will they not be trampled or lost.
Secondly, we need to tell others that these things we don't want to do may be important.
For example, the art teacher wants the children to keep as clean as possible in the collective studio. He can say to the children, "I know that sometimes you just paint colors at will, which is really interesting, but the materials and rooms here need to be kept clean for other children to use." Here, the teacher first admits the child's feelings and makes him realize that he is a dynamic subject, so he is more willing to take responsibility.
Third, when we encourage others to complete boring activities, we should try not to put pressure on each other when we speak or do things, act like a request rather than a request, and emphasize choice rather than control. For example, we can ask our children to help us do some housework and let them choose the housework they are willing to share, so that children will be more acceptable.