Editor's note: once upon a time, there was only one thing left between many adults and dear children, that is, mutual dislike? Or as the netizen joked: Usually, the father (mother) is kind and filial, and when tutoring homework, he will "chicken fly and dog jump". The coming summer vacation will be a time for parents and children to get along closely. Parent-child relationship and adolescent mental health have become an urgent problem for parents to understand. In this issue, I especially recommend two psychology books: Psychological Nurturing and Resolving Children's Oppositions.
Psychologist Li Meijin conveyed this view to his parents in his book Psychological Support: In the process of raising children, psychological support is more important than material support. The author believes that psychological education mainly includes four aspects: emotion, personality, concept and ability. Parents must participate in the whole process of psychological education, gain their children's attachment through companionship, love and care, and then gain the capital to discipline their children and "set rules". Parents teach their children to behave and do things by participating in their children's growth, which is more important than meeting their material needs.
Opposing children are angry, provocative and argumentative, as if they were destined to be adults. The most difficult thing is that the opposite situation is different in each growth stage. The book "Resolving Children's Oppositions" by Wang, a psychological counselor, provides practical methods and guidance to help adults with headaches and pains rebuild their relationship with their children. The solution of opposites is the improvement of relations. It is not just a one-way request for children to change, nor is it forcing children to obey, but adults and children are accompanied by emotional upheaval. Through mutual trust and respect, let children learn to understand their emotions and then relieve them.
My first public appearance was as a professor of criminal psychology at the People's Public Security University of China. Yes 1999, I began to appear in CCTV's "Legal Report" column to analyze the psychological problems of various criminals in real cases, among which the topic of juvenile delinquency is the most talked about by everyone.
Later, since 2003, many people know that I am engaged in a professional research, that is, criminal psychological portrait. This research is more used to investigate and solve a series of difficult cases. He presided over the translation of two latest foreign monographs on criminal psychological portraits, and directly participated in the criminal psychological analysis and character psychological description of some difficult series of cases.
As you may know, criminal investigation pays special attention to on-site investigation and finding traces of physical evidence, and it is absolutely impossible to speculate and speculate. However, when criminals commit crimes, most of them will avoid people's eyes and ears and cannot be directly observed. There was no such perfect "Skynet" and big data before. How should the police analyze the criminal's inner activities and describe the psychological characteristics of criminal suspects?
Although it is quite difficult, in fact, I have a lot of successful experience after I set foot in real cases. This process of pre-hypothesis and post-verification has given me a new understanding of human psychological logic. I found that all people's psychological performance should have corresponding experience and environment. For example, whether a person will commit a crime is often closely related to his family upbringing after birth.
Giving birth to a child is a long and arduous process for any family. If you are not careful, not only your parents' hard work will be wasted, but the whole family will be very painful in the future. So I feel it is my duty to tell you my research results, that is, how should we treat a child after he is born, how to raise, educate and cultivate him, so that he can become a humane, moral and capable person, make his family happy and make society peaceful.
Since 2004, I have cooperated with the All-China Women's Federation and the Beijing Social Psychology Association to give a series of public welfare lectures. In 2006, I began to publish a series of short articles on "psychological parenting" on Sina blog. In 2008, at the invitation of Beijing Social Psychology Association, I gave a public lecture in the National Library, which was recorded and then made into a CD by Renmin University of China Press. 20 18, this video was uploaded to the internet, which made many people know me as a "parenting expert".
In 20 16, I was invited by China Education Society to attend the international seminar on family education held in Zhongshan City, Guangdong Province, and I was fortunate to meet Mr. Sun Yunxiao, who had been admired for a long time. On the plane back to Beijing, he has been discussing the topic of "psychological education" with me. At the end of the conversation, he gave me serious advice: "You should write a book. The' psychological education' you studied is very important and useful. Be sure to write it out and let more parents know. "
Teacher Sun also taught me a lot of writing methods of popular science works, but I am used to writing investigation reports, academic papers, research monographs on criminal psychology, and writing popular science parenting books is still not very handy. Coupled with busy work and insufficient time, it has been delayed until now. Now, with the help of Phoenix TV Publishing Center, especially Ms. Ye Yuan's collection and arrangement of speeches in various periods for me, my writing time has been greatly shortened, and I finally finished the first part of Psychological Education. This book focuses on "psychological education" and "psychological education" in early family education, which will lay a psychological foundation for people's life.
I know that many parents are most concerned about their children's academic performance and pay special attention to the cultivation of their abilities. Ability is indeed very important, but in the process of people's psychological development, it should be ranked after emotion (the content of psychological education) and personality (the content of psychological education). Because deciding whether a person is "human" depends on his perception of human joys and sorrows and the feelings he brings to others and society. It should be the happiest thing for parents that a person can make people around him feel comfortable and happy and contribute to society. Raising such children is the greatest achievement of parents.
Some people know my professional background and worry that my "parenting theory" will make parents take their children as potential criminals for preventive parenting. If this reasoning, the popular "health theory" does not imagine everyone as a potential patient? This kind of statement can be described as "people have passed and are not satisfied with the rules." If you are afraid of illness and avoid medical treatment, you would rather be ruined than enlightened "(Song Zhou Dunyi).
People can't be sick all their lives. In order to have a better quality of life, we need to take preventive measures. Although the occurrence of diseases is regardless of grades, wealth and education, it must have its own inherent pathology, which needs people to study. The same is true for raising children, which will encounter all kinds of problems and require parents to understand relevant research and parenting knowledge from all angles. Besides, people are very complicated, which makes family rearing more complicated. Parents who have many children at home are deeply touched by this, because the way to treat different children should be different and cannot be determined by a single mold.
Different perspectives and backgrounds do not affect researchers to achieve the same goal. Because everyone's ultimate goal is the same, so are the highest principles and ideas. Only by knowing all the possibilities and results in parenting can we have a complete concept of parenting.
interconnection
Parenting classics: it is easier to raise a body than to raise a heart.
Adults study hard and let their children make progress every day.
Parents emphasize their children's future ideas.
A good personality will make people have good luck.
The cultivation of emotion must be true love.
Many people should have had similar experiences. For example, we take long-distance trains or buses for a long time. Without newspapers, magazines, books, mobile phones and batteries, we will feel that the journey is long and difficult, so boring that we can only find someone to chat or play cards besides sleeping. What is this demand? This is not a material need, but a psychological need. If a person is particularly introverted and unwilling or unable to chat with others, it will be very troublesome. In the 1980s, the train from Xinjiang to Beijing came every four days, and there were often travel mental disorders on this train, also known as "travel psychosis". Someone has done an experiment, that is, the people involved in the experiment are kept in the house alone to live.
Of course, this experiment is much more comfortable than taking the train, and the initiative to end the pain is in the hands of the subjects themselves. If the subjects don't want to continue the experiment, they can take the initiative to stop. There is a button beside the bed. As long as the subjects press it, the door will open and the experiment will be over. Of course, the amount of money comes out. If you want to earn more money, you have to spend more time.
The general result of the experiment is that the subjects come out after an average of 76 hours, and few people survive 100 hours. In other words, most people don't want to stay for about four days, otherwise they will really suppress mental illness.
After the subjects came out, the experimenters immediately conducted psychological tests on them and found that they became very sensitive to stimuli such as light and sound, and it took four or five days to return to normal. When asked why they didn't stay in it for a while, the subtext was "It will make more money", and these subjects replied: "We were fine when we first entered. We eat, lie down, or sleep, and then wake up and want to eat. But after two or three days, I began to fail. I can't explain why I am upset, fidgeting and unable to concentrate. I think if I stay any longer, I will go crazy ... I have to come out. "
This experiment shows that people can't be satisfied with eating and drinking. Imagine a baby who can't speak, express requirements, turn over and move his body, just like an experimental object trapped in a laboratory. He is not as good as these subjects, because he can't end this dilemma himself, so he can only cry and ask others to help him.
If a living person, including a baby, lacks sight, hearing and touch, it is equivalent to his brain lacking the necessary psychological nutrition.
The result of the lack of "psychological nutrition" has been known from this experiment: people will be unbearable, there will be psychological pain, and finally there will be mental abnormalities. There are real-life events that can supplement this.
In the 1960s and 1970s, a diplomat was put into prison for unknown reasons. For a long time, he neither read newspapers nor listened to the radio. Every day, almost no one cares about him except someone who regularly delivers meals and checks his condition. After staying for a long time, he began to worry that his brain would degenerate, so he began to practice his brain and recall the list of his country's ambassadors to various countries in the world. A person who can be a diplomat is certainly smart and has a good memory. When he counted the names of ambassadors from 1 10, he couldn't remember the name of one country. He was unconvinced and tried to think about it until he was released. At this time, almost like Xianglinsao, he muttered to himself all day: "Don't tell me, I'm sure I can remember! I don't believe I can't remember ... "Later, he wrote a memoir about it, saying that if he hadn't been released at that time, he would have become a mental patient. This is the psychological abnormality caused by the lack of fresh psychological feelings.
People are born as "born psychological prisoners". When they are helpless at the beginning of life, they not only need to rely on others to provide material satisfaction, but also need psychological satisfaction, that is, to let them see their faces, hear their voices, be hugged and caressed. Parenting is the source of his psychological nutrition. If no one cares about him, it is equivalent to his development under the condition of feeling deprived.
So many people never realize that babies have psychological needs. It is a big mistake to think that early education is just feeding.
(Excerpted from Psychological Support)