I am very eager to have a happy family. Educated by my mother's violence, I grew up to be a good girl in people's eyes. Facing what my mother said, I hope I can live a healthy and normal life like other children when I grow up. I began to study hard when I was young, eager to be as good as other children, and even tried to have a feeling of surpassing inferiority in my studies.
When I grow up, I will still be lonely and have a depressed family atmosphere. My parents will quarrel in front of me. My mother can't stand my father's neurotic doubts sometimes. Because my father is jealous of my mother's friendship with my neighbor's uncle and has a tense relationship with my mother, I have some random suspicions. When he makes his mother angry, he will make her sit on the ground and cry. Every time, he attracts many neighbors to persuade his family to stop the war.
We are still young. At that time, my father worked outside all the year round. I didn't hear from him for a quarter and didn't give much living expenses. The burden and livelihood of raising four children fell on the thin shoulders of the mother.
In addition, because my father lacks a sense of responsibility, our family is embarrassed, and my mother complains, and occasionally uses us as an outlet.
Father's unwarranted suspicion made the poor family worse. Mother often regrets that she chose the wrong person and believed the introduction of bad relatives. This feeling of resentment is caused by the depression she felt after suffering from marital difficulties, both economically and mentally.
My childhood grew up in such a depressing environment. My mother in memory doesn't have a smiling face. I had to obey so as not to make her angry.
Later, I worked hard at school and won the place of only five top students in rural areas to go to junior high school in the town, but I dropped out of junior high school only on the second day of junior high school and then entered the factory in the town as an assembly line worker.
Symptoms of Invisible Depression With the double shifts in the factory, I became more and more depressed. When I entered junior high school, it was difficult for me to adapt to the environment of the new semester, but when I entered the factory, I was still very withdrawn. I seldom get in touch with those old classmates, and I envy their healthy and happy working life.
And I often wander around the crowd alone, thinking about how to commit suicide is better and get depressed. When I work the night shift, I will be in a place where there is no one behind the factory, otherwise I will be more depressed and inferior in the crowd. I can't relieve that painful state in a quiet place, but I'm crazy about how to end my life.
It's no use trying everything. I am too weak to commit suicide at all. If I jump off a building, the tallest building in the countryside will be three stories. The only time I went to my neighbor's fifth-floor rooftop, I was thinking, would it kill me to jump off the fifth floor? When will I die? The only reason to support my life is that I can't die. I want to repay my parents' parenting kindness, as if it had gradually turned into a debt in my heart.
But I'm still more depressed after all. It was only my body that escaped, not my soul. My soul is still depressed. I know nothing about this kind of treatment. In the isolated countryside, I never thought about how to get this kind of healing method.
But I didn't have the courage to accept myself and escaped for half my life until postpartum depression. Coupled with the fatigue of taking care of children, the rural economy and medical care can't keep up. My first husband was depressed and so was my mother-in-law. The so-called family didn't enter a house. This sentence stung me deeply. I am doomed to have a low sense of value on the road of choosing a spouse. I even forgot that I was a gifted child. My world is only black dogs and absurd beliefs that evade responsibility.
Unfortunately, I suffered from depression. I abused my son during my depression, which was my sense of incompetence and guilt. But when my friends were talking about my marriage, I suffered from postpartum depression and domestic violence, lost my mind and ran away from home, leaving my children behind.
I feel more at ease when my mother-in-law takes my children. I dare not go back to that house again. I am afraid that they will hurt me unintentionally again, although my husband just called me crazy in an unintentional way. But because I concealed the fact that I was sick before marriage, I dare not have face and self-esteem to face the reality of marriage.
I completely gave up on myself. I can't listen to a good word from my family, brothers and sisters. I only stayed at the scene of the domestic violence. I can't stand such a close relationship. It's like hell on earth. For me, all kinds of right and wrong are right and wrong, but no one cares about my feelings. I don't know who to talk to about my feelings.
Later, I contacted Chinese medicine for health preservation, and I changed my job at night. I insist on antidepressants in my work clothes. Although it was taken in a small amount, it was not adjusted by psychological counseling. I tried to borrow the psychological knowledge I learned on the internet platform to make myself aware of negative beliefs.
When I talk to my mother, she will still be angry with me inexplicably, saying that I seem to have deliberately said something to make her angry, but I basically don't talk, because I have chronic pharyngitis in my throat, because I sing too much, thinking that singing can relieve physical and mental stress. Later, I had tonsillectomy, and I also used scented tea, honeysuckle and chrysanthemum to preserve my health. I rarely spoke and spoke quietly.
I dare not do too much work, I can only do the work of selling physical strength in exchange for labor remuneration. I also know some health knowledge. After working in the traditional Chinese medicine health center, day after day, I understand the pathological reasons why people with depression want to hurt their spleen and anger their liver. Skin diseases and hair loss caused by insufficient kidney qi are really unbearable!
So I understand more things. I belong to a family with a low sense of value, and I blindly pay for people who don't know how to protect their own borders. So I have to learn to establish my own boundaries, learn how to survive, and don't let emotional problems hurt me.
From learning to love myself to surviving, I learned not to compare, not to be so anxious, and to adjust my mentality. From scratch, I am a woman. I should love myself and get in touch with literature. Many writers have risen from the struggle against depression, set lofty aspirations, keep a broader mind, and are not discouraged by small troubles.
Psychology is a kind of human survival wisdom, which can give me direction when I am confused, always aware of my existence and concentrate on my goals. Life is no longer just a confused struggle in a black hole.
I no longer punish myself with my past fears, but learn to enjoy the new sunshine every day, so that I can live in the present state well. As a writer who insists on healing, I also know some survival rules and see through some medical principles in society. I used to insist on having a lot of money to live well, but I lost my values.
Therefore, on the road of marriage, I no longer insist on changing my appearance, and accept my imperfect appearance, imperfect birth and all imperfect reality in the choice of values.
Moreover, I learned to use traditional Chinese medicine hair care liquid, as well as traditional Chinese medicine for tonifying kidney and nourishing liver, to promote hair growth inside and outside, and to dredge my meridians through traditional Chinese medicine massage. I feel very gratified to see my new hair growing gradually. One's hair represents one's life and health. Someone wrote a poem with black hair: "Would you like to marry me with waist-long hair?" This kind of poem makes people yearn for love and a happy family, and I also know that my life is being reborn, just like this new hair.
Writing this article, I hope that friends who have experienced depression can sing * * *, and I also hope that friends who are experiencing the black hole period of life will care for their strong hearts, strengthen the defense line of life, and nourish their vitality, just like cultivating a seedling that has been destroyed by the storm but still has a little survival instinct, weeding regularly, clearing away the garbage in the past, and remembering the pains that torment themselves, just like pests, which hinder the growth of our seedlings.
And the root of the future, don't be afraid of how deep and dark it is, because those sufferings are like this dark land, the deeper and more painful, but they can thrive and grow into a tree.
I think I am no longer afraid of the dark spiritual world, because there is light in the distance. Even if we are desperate, we have the energy to warm up. I'm not young anymore. I have lost the power of love and hate, and I am gradually afraid of life. I understand that kindness, strength and courage are virtues that can be cultivated, and I firmly believe that I don't care about the grateful energy of giving, taking or resenting.
I was cheated and jumped into the fire pit, so I am grateful that I am still alive and believe that everything is the best arrangement!