"Well, it's better for the family!" This is the first sigh that a young friend next door often makes when he comes back from their factory to see me. He is full of sighs of "unspeakable hidden pain", which represents the feelings of some young people now. Why is there such an embarrassing and even painful situation in the interaction with others? This involves how to deal with the social and psychological problems of interpersonal relationships when people are in frequent contact in modern society. If you want to avoid the crowd, you can't avoid it, and you are not good at getting along with others, then all kinds of troubles and depression will follow.

Man is a gregarious animal. "Man is the sum total of realistic social relations" (Marxism). Without society and people, it is impossible for people to live independently. On April 28th, the Soviet newspaper Izvestia 198 1 published an article entitled "Who is Robinson Crusoe? Articles. The article points out that the prototype of the hero in Robinson Crusoe by Defoe is a sailor named Selkirk. He has a bad temper. He was stranded on a desert island for four years because of an argument with the captain on a voyage. The wanderer's temper became more eccentric when he came home from 17 12. The habit of living alone for four years made him afraid to see anyone. I always want to find a secluded place to hide and live a hermit life. Results Nine years later (172 1 year), he died in the pit he dug.

Or Selkirk, the prototype of Robinson Crusoe, a typical literary figure, or the familiar Indian "wolf children", who have lost their humanity and cannot survive because they have been separated from the collective life of human society for a long time. These facts tell us eloquently: no one can leave the crowd and escape from interpersonal relationships; It is very unrealistic for some young people to want to live alone for various reasons.

People live and develop in the collective, and the finer the social division of labor, the stronger the demand for interdependence. Broadly speaking, human beings should be "interdependent" and coordinated. People live in interaction with others almost all the time, influenced by others as well as others. Because of this, everyone must maintain a healthy mental state to design and plan, to discuss and study, to negotiate and cooperate with everyone, to study and work together. Necessary interpersonal communication is an important part of everyone's mental health. Through mutual communication, we can provide information, enhance understanding, tell everyone's joys and sorrows, enhance the exchange of ideas and feelings between each other, stimulate emotions, produce Zhong Hequn's intimacy, produce interdependent attachment, draw strength from it and enhance unity. Moreover, in an organized group, only through mutual inspiration and feedback can we better grow our talents and give play to our wisdom.

The goal of mental health is to form and promote perfect and harmonious interpersonal relationships; Cultivate a socially acceptable attitude towards life and an adaptive attitude towards yourself, others and the whole society. People love to say that the "nature" of young people (that is, "age characteristics") is that they like excitement and are eager for friendship. Therefore, if a young person is unwilling to get along with others, or is not good at getting along with others, it is probably a sign of mental health. People often regard these young people as "freaks". Young people need to communicate with others, especially their peers, and enhance their friendship. For example, it is emphasized that young men and women should promote happy marriage and love through extensive social communication, so as to achieve family harmony and promote social stability and the development of social productive forces. All these show that it is a very urgent and necessary basic demand for young people to be happy and good at communicating with others.

Then, how to communicate with people is still an old saying: "The weather is not as good as the geographical position, and the geographical position is not as good as people." This means that whether you want to win in the war or to achieve something in your career, you should pay attention to the important factor of "harmony between people". The so-called "harmony without difference" means being good at interacting with people.

To achieve "harmony between people", according to the experience of the ancients, it is two words: tolerance and restraint. When dealing with people, we should strive to be tolerant and patient, and encourage ourselves with the idea that "the prime minister can hold a boat in his stomach." When you are criticized by others or violate your dignity or interests, don't care about personal grievances, focus on unity and deal with it calmly. According to "Biography of Xia Yuanji in Ming Dynasty", someone asked the Minister of Finance ("Ministry of Finance" is one of the six ministries in the Tang Dynasty, which is in charge of land, household registration, taxation, fiscal revenue and expenditure, etc. The chief executive is the Minister of Finance. Later generations did not change, and it was not abolished until the late Qing Dynasty. ) Xia Yuanji: "Can quantity be learned?" He replied, "at first, I was patient with colors, but I was patient with my heart." After a long time, I can't stand it. " It means that at first, you should restrain yourself from being angry. Then restrain yourself from holding grudges in your heart, and don't get angry in your heart; In this way, after a long time, we can forget the past, turn our enemies into friends and live in peace.

Can we get some inspiration from the ancient "Gao Qian" Xia Yuanji, who is equivalent to the modern ministerial level? When you are misunderstood or even vilified by others, if it is not a matter of principle about right and wrong, you should tolerate others' mistakes, but you should be good at compromising, forbearing and letting go of the small right and wrong in life.

Some experts in applied social psychology in the west believe that if you can meet the following ideological cultivation conditions, you will be good at communicating with people.

(1) Listen carefully to what others are saying. Even if you have different opinions or make you angry, you should restrain yourself from listening patiently; Then express your opinion, or refute it politely.

(2) Keep your eyes on the other person's expression, and carefully observe and identify all the "silent language" expressions of the speaker, such as sigh, pause and silence. You should give responsive feedback to these "silent languages" in a timely and appropriate manner.

(3) If there is a quarrel, calm down for five minutes first and settle it quickly after a friendly debate.

(4) Be considerate, respect others, be ready to help others, and have the desire to unite and cooperate with others.

(5) Keep a good humor atmosphere, smile and avoid being sarcastic or belittling others.

In addition to these five items, you can also list some other similar situations. But from these five, you can think of other conditions by analogy. Because almost all these conditions belong to the essential requirements of personal ideological cultivation and mental health care when getting along with others. Their principles are nothing more than harmony with others, respect for others, consideration for others, and so on. Therefore, according to these essential requirements and basic principles, and referring to the personality characteristics of ourselves and each other, we can work out other conditions, requirements, methods and skills that are good at communicating with others.

Some of the so-called ideological cultivation conditions mentioned above, or the methods and skills of communicating with people, are actually "exchange of ideas." In interpersonal relationships, the exchange of ideas is very important. The exchange of ideas is the most complicated and subtle connection between people. This kind of contact is mainly the exchange of information, which is realized through the transmission of various information. Therefore, the process of interaction between people is also a process of revealing their feelings and experiences in different ways, so that the other party can feel them and then make feedback. However, the exchange of ideas in interpersonal relationships is two-way and reflective; Both sides of communication should not only reveal their feelings to each other, but also feel the cross process of each other's feelings. Therefore, in the ideological exchange of interpersonal relationships, it is necessary to prevent the abnormal state of relationship rupture or rigidity caused by contradictions, conflicts and even quarrels. This involves the problem of "psychological compatibility" in the process of social psychology.

What is "psychological compatibility"? Refers to the most harmonious combination between individuals and collectives, individuals and individuals; It ensures personal satisfaction with work and the completion of career. Then, why do people have psychological maladjustment in the process of mutual communication? Social psychologists believe that there are two main reasons:

(1) When the views and beliefs of both sides are inconsistent, the relationship between them will tend to be tense; The greater the difference, the greater the tension; If the differences of views are so serious that it is impossible to make up for them, to seek common ground while reserving differences and to resolve them through consultation, the relationship between the two sides will break down and even discriminate against each other and hate each other.

(2) Some personality characteristics are the root of their psychological maladjustment. For example, some people are quarrelsome, some people are difficult to get along with, some people are withdrawn, some people are entangled, some people are arrogant, and so on. It is difficult for people with this personality to be psychologically compatible with others.

In addition to the above, in daily life, we will also see some small gangs that spontaneously combine together. Because of the lack of noble ideals and aspirations, they are gathered together only because of a temporary "similar smell." Once they have been hanging out for a long time, they will eventually break up when they are familiar with each other and tired. The reason is that they lacked a solid communication foundation from the beginning. This shows that "like-minded" is also an important condition for psychological mutual accommodation. Different aspirations and different ways will inevitably lead to psychological maladjustment.

If they are psychologically incompatible with each other, we should look for reasons from both sides and try our best to correct and make up for them. However, if you can't do this, you shouldn't keep in touch with each other rigidly. Because in the case of psychological maladjustment, people's self-esteem needs and self-value evaluation needs can not be recognized, satisfied and realized, then, over time, it will lead to bad mood or physical and mental illness. Therefore, we can draw the following two principles: ① psychologically, it is best to be compatible, not psychologically separated; (2) When it is necessary to conduct psychological isolation, it is not necessary to be too reluctant, but it is still necessary to conduct psychological isolation temporarily or permanently. Some people may think that the latter principle is pessimistic, but it is also necessary from the perspective of mental health care.

Of course, from the perspective of mental health, the best and most fundamental way is to try to avoid psychological discomfort. So, what can be done to prevent and avoid the negative consequences caused by people's psychological incompatibility in communication? In addition to the conditions, requirements, methods and skills mentioned above, I can also provide some reference opinions as follows.

People with mental disorders often lose their harmonious relationship with others. They often show retreat and avoidance in their behavior, and some even show abnormal attitudes or emotions such as suspicion, hostility, fear and hatred towards others. Such people need to participate in social activities and form the habit of actively establishing good and normal interpersonal relationships with others. Psychotherapists suggest that these people can adopt "group therapy", which can eliminate the inner anxiety and conflict of patients with mental disorders, improve interpersonal relationships and get along well with others. This is mainly because in collective life, you can increase the chances of interacting with others, and in others' reaction to him, just like looking in the mirror, it stimulates self-knowledge and self-understanding. This prevents self-righteous, withdrawn, suspicious and hostile psychology and behavior.

"Group therapy" is relatively simple, usually bringing patients with similar mental disorders together and letting them talk freely and communicate with each other. At first, they may be wary or hostile to each other, but over time, they will contact and talk with each other, freely and unscrupulously tell their inner pains and experiences, and they can sympathize with and encourage each other, thus reducing the psychological burden of loneliness, loneliness, fear and depression and enhancing their understanding, confidence and courage.

Young people who tend to live alone should have more contact with their peers. Because people of the same age have the same age characteristics, they are easy to get close to each other in thoughts and feelings, and can talk and talk from the heart. And these heartfelt words, sometimes even refused to tell their parents. In this way, young people who live alone will not spend most of their time silently indulging in their daydreams, and will not fall into the self-woven imagination network and replace reality with fantasy. Therefore, it can be said that cultivating the attitude and habit of getting along with others is a very effective way to overcome and correct the psychological and behavioral obstacles of teenagers who are withdrawn and deliberately escape from society.

I advocate that young people should make more friends, socialize with friends and participate in group activities and social activities. Because it has many advantages: ① it can adjust and enrich the content of life, relieve or eliminate tension and avoid loneliness; (2) We can exchange views with each other, enhance our knowledge, expand and enrich our life experience; (3) It can enhance the knowledge about communication, etiquette and even clothing and etiquette, better adapt to the trend of the times, and cope with it freely, so as to keep the psychology in a normal state.

Romain rolland, a famous French writer, attached great importance to friendship. He once said, "Life shows its full value only when it is with friends. Wisdom and friendship are the only light that illuminates our night. " Of course, romain rolland's absolute statement is that it is not only love or wisdom that leads people forward. However, he emphasized the importance of friendship to people's psychological life; Friendship plays an important role in preventing and avoiding unhealthy psychology like "dark night", which is completely understandable and acceptable.

Young people, of course, should also pay attention to their choices in communication, and don't make friends indiscriminately. There is a western proverb: "Just tell me your friends, and I will know what kind of person you are." There is an old saying in China: "Those who are near Mexico are black, and those who are near Zhu Zhechi are black." Western proverbs say that people can judge a person by what kind of friends he makes; There is an old saying in China that if you make friends with a person, you will become like him. In other words: partners will influence each other, so you have to choose when making friends.