The protagonist of the lecture is Li Meijin, a professor and expert of criminal psychology at the People's Public Security University of China. He has been engaged in the research of criminal psychology and adolescent psychological problems for a long time, and often shares cases on blogs and Weibo. Many people have also seen her in CCTV programs such as Legal Report and Everybody Talk.

After the video became popular, Professor Li was a little surprised himself. In Weibo, she said: "Growing psychology has never been regarded as a major or a main business. Her main business is criminal psychological research and investigation psychological analysis. Unexpectedly, the successful experience of the research made me become a' parenting expert' because of a public welfare lecture ten years later. I have never published a paper or written a book on this subject, including this newsletter, which is beyond my knowledge. It' s really a sentence: intentional planting of flowers' flowers are self-contained', unintentional planting of willows. "

Soon, the high-definition complete works of the speech video were also found out. The complete video lasted for nearly two hours, discussing the common psychological problems of teenagers and their countermeasures. The widely circulated version in the circle of friends is actually an answer to "What should a child manage before he is 6 years old?"

Why did the video of ten years ago suddenly catch fire? Some parents said that because they touched the door of life in parental education-how to say no to children, dry goods are full and worth seeing; Some parents also feel that one-size-fits-all approach is not suitable for all children.

We have compiled the main points (excerpts) of the lecture for you

1, what do children care about before they are 6 years old?

2. How to train children?

3. How to resist temptation and learn to endure it? Start by suppressing appetite.

4. How to make children learn to be patient? Let the children not be selfish.

5. How to make children experience setbacks? Let the children "suffer"

What do teachers and parents think of this crazy video?

Sharla Cheung, Secretary of Youth Palace in Gongshu District, Hangzhou.

Why did this video of Professor Li Meijin suddenly become popular on the Internet ten years later? In addition to the progress of information technology, the development of new media and the amazing communication power of the Internet, more importantly, parents now pay more attention to their children's education and are of course more anxious.

For parents who have experienced the deterioration of parent-child relationship and various strange phenomena in the rapid development of society, confusion and anxiety have become the norm, so they are eager for experts like straws.

Many viewpoints and practices of Professor Li Meijin are really operable. Specific to the specific problems of unique children, parents still need to have their own cognition and judgment. In fact, you should have your own independent thinking about the opinions and suggestions of any experts. Otherwise, you will be even more at a loss when you meet experts with completely different views.

Professor Li Meijin's lectures on family education are different, which is determined by her work characteristics and can bring different perspectives to parents.

Miao Hualiang, Principal of Hangzhou Phoenix Primary School

In my opinion, the education of children should be strict first and then lenient. If you don't follow the rules when you are young, it will be more difficult when you grow up, and it will be easy when you are thirteen or fourteen.

When educating children, we often lack a necessary strategy. Often simple and rude, too tolerant, and even spoil instead of positive guidance. My mother has never been to school, but she has always advocated the method of being strict before being lenient, and set an example in educating our two brothers. Professor Li has practical methods, such as how to wait for adults to eat, share oranges as an example for children, and establish family values, but the most important thing is to set an example, and teaching by example is more important than words.

Parents said: show it to the elderly at home.

The parents of the 4-year-old boy thanked their mother:

12-year-old girl's parents Hu Mama:

Seeing this problem, I went to find the source of Professor Li Meijin's four "No's" to avoid being taken out of context.

I studied the video content of Professor Li Meijin, and found that her "no beating, no scolding, no preaching and no going away" is the training for children aged 3-5 who want to achieve a certain goal through crying.

In addition, after the child's emotions calm down, it is necessary to "leave a way out" for the child through communication, and encourage TA to express it in words instead of crying next time when necessary. If TA's explanation is accepted by parents, it can be satisfied.

In other words, what Professor Li Meijin wants to tell you is how to deal with the crying behavior of children aged 3-5, and how to further communicate with children after emotional treatment, so as to help TA understand what to do in the future.

Whether a parenting style is effective or not depends on what factors?

In my opinion, there are several principles for reference. First, whether this method conforms to the scientific law of children's growth, whether it meets the growth needs of children, and if it violates the law of growth, even if it is effective in a short time, it may have adverse effects in the future;

Second, whether it is used in the right situation. For example, if a child cries just to express his uncomfortable feelings, then the message conveyed to the child may be "Mom and Dad don't understand me and can't accept my emotions" by adopting the method of "don't fight, don't scold and don't go", and then think that "expressing emotions is wrong and I'm not good", thus suppressing my emotions;

Third, whether it can be used consistently, the growth of children is a long-term and gradual process, and there is no way to get immediate results. Therefore, only by using the correct way and adhering to the scientific method can we play an effective role and promote the healthy growth of children.

Professor Li Meijin is a professor of psychology.

I think her parenting style of "no beating, no scolding, no preaching and no going away" is very effective.

This statement is based on respect, love, understanding and companionship for children.

In the process of growing up, a child should establish a close, trusting and friendly relationship with his parents. Through this positive relationship, he can establish his cognition of the world and his sense of security.

This is very effective for children.

In fact, this method is useful not only for children, but also for adults.

Think about it, if an adult has no respect and trust for another adult and just beats him away, will the relationship be good? Will you be close? Obviously not.

So a child, his mind is immature, her feelings are not rich, and his strength is limited, so he expects more from adults and depends entirely on them.

Therefore, we should follow Professor Li's advice, be more close and accompany, and try our best to create a safe and healthy mentality for children and help them grow up.

The meaning of this sentence is actually very easy to understand. Regardless of whether this kind of parenting is effective, we can see what will happen if we beat and scold and preach and leave.

The child made a mistake.

1 If parents beat their children indiscriminately, it will not only hurt their children physically, but also affect their psychology. If children are afraid, they may not make the same mistakes in the future, but such children will be timid and have no confidence in doing things because they dare not make mistakes. Although there is an old saying that there is a dutiful son under the stick, now the word "dutiful son" is a bit derogatory. Because such people only listen to their parents and have no opinions of their own. If the child is not afraid, the more he fights, the more he resists. He may seem obedient, but in fact he doesn't believe it. After a long time, he either broke out or became ill.

It is not advisable for parents to scold their children with vicious language, because sometimes parents will say a lot of hurtful words without thinking when they are in a hurry, and sometimes they will not feel it themselves, but the speaker is unintentional and the child will keep it in mind. Such children will also feel inferior and feel that they can't do anything well, which is so bad in the eyes of their parents.

Preaching means telling some meaningless truths. Everyone will talk about the truth, but how many people will listen and how many people can do it? I'm afraid it's difficult. If parents are always nagging their children, they will only feel upset and grumpy.

If the child makes a mistake and the parents walk away without asking, then the child will feel that he is not wrong, or that he is not wrong, so he may make mistakes again in the future, and the mistakes will get bigger and bigger, leading to serious consequences.

Therefore, if the above practice is not desirable, then Professor Li Meijin's parenting style is still desirable. It sounds simple, but it is not easy for parents to really do it. Because children make mistakes, it is sometimes difficult for parents to calm their emotions and get out of control easily. Therefore, educating children is not so easy, it needs more patience and methods.

So if the child makes a mistake, how can parents effectively implement this method?

First of all, parents must calm down first and not be impatient. They can ask their children why they are doing this, and then tell them in simple words what is wrong and what to do. Make sure he knows what's wrong. Don't repeat it, just say it once, and then tell the child what kind of punishment he will get if he makes the same mistake again in the future. Punishment must be done, because parents should keep their word, not just scare. Finally, a mother must show her forgiveness, trust and love for her children.

Some words may be a little serious, and some people will feel that they have been educated like this by their parents, and there is no problem. But sometimes, some influences already exist, but we can't really understand ourselves, because we are all ordinary majority, which is why we can't be excellent.

I like Professor Li Meijin very much and agree with many of her views.

Will it work to give a scolding and lecture and leave?

What will children learn from your four reactions of "beating, scolding, preaching and walking away"?

Will you learn the following skills?

(1) Fighting violence with violence

-when he is weak, he also learns to solve problems by force; Or, when he grows up, he will use force against you.

(2) Language violence

-You scold him, and he scolds his weaker classmates. You scold your children, your children grow up to be parents, and then you scold your own children. There are mirror neurons in the Origin Family, and the educational model will also have some inheritance.

(3) nagging

(4) indifference

When the child grows up, you have a problem and the child walks away? Learn how to deal with problems by yourself?

When you find that these four methods are not good for children's long-term effects, do you still use them?

However, it is undeniable that:

These four methods may be effective in the short term.

"Beat, scold, pass and walk", when you treat your child like this, the child may not do it because of fear, but once he grows up and has the strength to resist, will your "beat, scold, pass and walk" still work for him?

Once you understand this, you should learn other more effective and scientific parenting methods!

For example, the methods suggested by Professor Li Meijin, such as positive discipline.

As a professor at the People's Public Security University of China and an expert in criminal psychology, Professor Li Meijin's parenting style is very practical, but no problem can be cut across the board. Whether it is suitable for your child depends on the specific situation of your parents at that time.

Any theory has its limitations. We also know that Professor Li's "Don't fight, don't scold, don't preach and don't go away" is designed for children aged 3-5. Children aged 3-5 are in a sensitive period of growth, and they also know how to observe the world around them. When they want something, crying is the most convenient way and the most effective way for parents. When grandparents were present, they immediately relented and "completed" their children.

Professor Li Meijin's suggestion is to train children to "restrain their willfulness" in view of this situation, which is similar to "delaying gratification" in psychological experiments, but it is more practical and worth learning from parents.

Moreover, the most important thing is not to use "don't fight, don't scold, don't preach and don't go away" when the child's crying requirements are met, but to encourage the child to express his inner thoughts in "language" next time after the child's emotions calm down, instead of crying.

3-5 years old is a very specific number and a very clear application scenario. However, we still need to pay attention to one point, which is also the most difficult point for parents, that is, to judge whether the child's crying is a sincere need or an unreasonable need, and just want to achieve the goal through crying. There is a very subtle difference between the two.

For example, when visiting a bookstore, my 4-year-old son likes that dinosaur picture book very much, but you think it's expensive, and you just bought a lot of new picture books and don't want to buy them, or you can save a lot of money by copying the titles online.

As a result, the child cried and even lost his temper and sat on the ground and rolled. What would you do at this moment? Compromise to buy or follow the principle of "don't fight, don't scold, don't preach and don't go away"

In fact, there is no absolute right or wrong in what parents do. What matters is how you plan to communicate with your children at this moment. It is inappropriate to cry in public places, so "don't fight, don't scold, don't preach and don't go away" is the principle, but how to make children stop crying is the biggest demand. After all, this is not at home.

The next step is to ask the child why he likes this picture book, so as to judge whether the picture book is really important in his mind or he wants to buy it on a whim. If he really likes it, he may have heard it from his classmates. I've heard a lot about you. He buys a picture book, gives him a small request, goes home to sort out his bookshelf, or retells stories to himself after reading this picture book, and so on. Can you satisfy him?

Therefore, in my opinion, children have needs and cannot be fully satisfied, but they cannot limit themselves because of age and other frameworks. The most appropriate way is to judge the situation and make the best choice.

I don't know who Professor Li Meijin is. Anyway, that's how I raised my children since I was a child. Children are healthy, obedient and study well. It's important to be with you since childhood. Today you grow up with him, and tomorrow he will grow old with you. This is a happy life. Today you are confused by interests, and tomorrow your child will be a fool. You can't give up today's happiness for tomorrow's uncertain happiness. This is the idea of going further and further. This is a wrong idea in itself. How can we educate our children well? What is natural is healthy. In the past, some people always compared the example that young trees could not grow without pruning. But I found that things that grow naturally are not fools. I will try my best to grow to the best. There must be a reason for the long asymmetry. Which side is sunny, which side is strong. Where the soil and water are good, where the root system is developed. As for not growing in the direction that people think. That's because nature does not exist because of human beings. The human mind is incorrect.

Just like if you lose it, you can make money, and if the house falls down, you can repair it, but if the child is not educated well, it may be irreparable and painful for a lifetime.

However, Professor Li's psychology tells you that such a tragedy can be prevented.

Therefore, knowing a little education is the happiness of every family for a lifetime. The phrase' to spoil a child is to harm it' has probably been circulating for thousands of years. But today, we can often see many tragedies happening. For example, a star 15-year-old child actually committed rape. Can this be a lifelong pain?

Another way of saying willfulness is: work, what will be the result of work, all friends know.

Therefore, it is precisely because of this that Professor Li Meijin is so popular, respected and loved. Professor Mizuho's words can be described as "a gift in a timely manner will never be forgotten", because what she saved was a child, and what she stopped was a broken heart.

Professor Mejin has a very classic saying that is worth collecting: there are ways for unreasonable things! Tracing back to the source, causal logic argument embodies her scientific and rigorous nature.

Professor Mejin's "don't fight, don't scold, don't preach and don't go away" is a very effective way to prevent children from being willful. Only by cultivating good behavior habits from an early age can people stop being daring, respecting, cherishing, fearing and considering other people's feelings when they grow up. Imagine how a selfish child who lacks teamwork spirit can be happy and healthy, whether in the unit or in the company.

Therefore, we should love children moderately and know what doting is. What we harvest is the intestines that we regret after ten or twenty years.

The specific method of not going away without beating, scolding or preaching is that when a child is willful for the first time, for example, he is crying to buy a car, then he is carried to a quiet space alone, and he will not go away without beating, scolding or preaching, watching him cry, letting him know that willfulness is useless and not crying, and then telling him that he can, but he must give me a reasonable reason.

Can you have a chance to talk about the more specific operation and the relationship between the truth and space behind it?

I think Professor Li Meijin's parenting style of "no beating, no scolding, no preaching and no going away" is correct and effective.

When children are young, they will cry if their desires are not satisfied, because crying will get what they want. When they walk, they cry, throw things and roll around in protest. If parents give up and satisfy their children's wishes, the children will become uncontrollable when they grow up, and the consequences will be unimaginable.

Therefore, I agree with Professor Li very much. We should not get used to children's unreasonable willfulness. We should learn to say "no" and refuse what we shouldn't do. When children cry calmly enough, we should tell them why they can't do this. We must not blindly indulge and spoil them.

The children grew up beside me, and my grandparents helped me. This is the big background. I have used this method, about three or four times when the child is about two years old. He cried when his unreasonable demands were not met. I drove all my elders away, and no one could get near him. It's no use grandma being angry. I watched her cry, wiped her face in the middle, put her away in case she fell, cried for more than forty minutes, and gradually turned into sobs, giving him water to drink in case he was short of water. Try to be reasonable when he is emotionally stable. As soon as you say it, he will continue to make trouble, and I will stop biting. Waiting for the next chance. Finally, he calmed down, but he was still crying. I picked him up and held him in my arms to reason with him, with a firm tone. Let him look me in the eye, and then he will apologize. I told him that I accepted the apology, that I loved him very much and kissed him. Then play games with him. Now my child is four years old. If you tell him something, he won't make trouble again. It's just that he likes something very much, and I will buy it for him, but only if I give him a task and finish it. I think this method is particularly effective.