"There is one area,

It is located in

Beyond the boundaries of right and wrong.

I will wait for you there.

When the soul lies on the green grass,

The richness of the world,

Words are far beyond description.

……"

? -Rumi walks into the orchard in spring

Rumi was a famous poet and mystic in ancient Persia. His poems have great influence on world theology, religion and even world culture.

When I first saw these poems, my heartstrings were suddenly struck. "Beyond the boundary between right and wrong" is the unparalleled richness and beauty. Isn't that what I have always described to my parents?

To raise children, if you want to truly practice love and freedom, and if you want children to win in China education, as parents, you must first "let go of right and wrong".

And psychological counseling is what Rumi described as a place beyond the boundaries of right and wrong. People are gloomy with a tired look, where their souls lie on the grass, and when they get up, their bodies become light, and the richness and light of the world are once again displayed in front of them.

Psychological counseling is so effective because right and wrong are put aside. Even if the visitor and the counselor have different views, they should respect each other's everything and accept him unconditionally. For example, if you love learning and keep charging, the other person doesn't like learning. You can't accuse him of educating him. The visitor is gay, and your sexual orientation is normal. Although you are against homosexuality in daily life, you must be treated equally in the consultation process, and there can be no discrimination or opposition.

There is a foreign story that makes people think deeply after spitting.

When a consultant was away on holiday, a thief entered his room. When stealing a room, a man came who wanted to consult. The thief thought, don't waste this consulting fee. Besides, you can't tell your true identity if you run into it! So he decided to pose as a consultant. He sat solemnly, listening to the painful story of the visitor, saying almost nothing in the middle, just nodding and pretending to understand, because he really didn't know how to respond. After the consultation, the visitor left contentedly, and the thief earned the consultation fee.

This fabricated story shows that as long as the psychological counselor accepts it unconditionally, visitors can often recover.

Unconditional acceptance does not mean agreeing with each other's views, but completely accepting each other's emotions without making any right or wrong judgments. Of course, the consultant's ability to follow suit is also the key to the success of most consultations. However, without unconditionally accepting this premise, no matter how smart the consultant is, he can't turn on the fading light in the hearts of visitors.

If "unconditional acceptance" of psychological counseling is grafted into education and some simple counseling skills are learned, will it be easier for parents and educators? Can the change of "problem children" be easier?

Parents take a small step for their children, and children take a big step. When we live with complaints and accusations every day and our children become more and more fragile or antagonistic, as parents, we can completely consider changing our methods, stepping out of the boundary of "right and wrong" and looking for another world.

The visitors faced by consultants are extremely uncertain and need more study and practice. The children parents face are definite and unique, and they can study backwards and sideways every day, even if their level is not high, they can see more clues. Therefore, the beauty outside the border can also bloom in the homes of ordinary people.

? ? Love, freedom and rules are triplets.

The "Love and Freedom" education law has been highly praised by many families in our country. However, many parents ignore the establishment of "rules". In fact, love, freedom and rules are triplets, and raising children must be taken into account at the same time.

When it comes to rules, many people immediately think of "beating, scolding, punishing and reasoning". Where are the others? There is nothing in the bag except money! In a word, these methods are based on "right and wrong" and they are incompatible with "love and freedom".

So what are the rules in love and freedom?

Let's take a look at the rules implemented by Sun Ruixue Kindergarten, the birthplace of "love and freedom" education in China.

Sun Yuan has the following rules:

1, rude and vulgar behavior can't;

? 2. You can't take other people's things and make your own decisions;

? Where did you take things and put them back?

? 4. whoever gets it first will use it first, and those who come later will wait;

? 5. Don't disturb others.

? 6. apologize for doing something wrong; And have the right to ask others to apologize.

7. Learn to refuse others and learn to say "no".

Looking at these rules alone, there is not much difference from ordinary kindergartens, but they are more specific and more in line with the age of young children. However, the implementation process of these rules is quite different.

Kindergartens generally adopt the "right and wrong" education method. When two children quarreled, the teacher first figured out who was right and who was wrong. If the child is wrong, the teacher will correct it directly and just tell him to correct it. An education is over. As long as the child does not resist, the process is relatively simple and easy to operate.

However, what Sun Yuan is actually doing is to "let go of right and wrong" education, and the process will be more complicated.

First of all, the teacher should squat down and look at the children, put his hand on their shoulders, and guide the two children to tell stories and feelings in a gentle and firm tone (without reproach). Sun Yuan's teacher is very particular about these details. Sometimes it is to relax children, and sometimes it is to give them courage. The purpose is not simply to clarify the facts, but to release the children's inner grievances, pain, anger and other emotions, and feel respected and accepted when the teacher listens carefully, so as to understand how to get along with others. In violation of regulations, there will be corresponding penalties. The most common thing to do is to apologize (the child is still young, and some punishments are inappropriate), but today, teachers and parents do not deal with many children, even if they apologize, they are hypocritical, or they just admit their mistakes from a rational point of view, and there is no unity of mind and heart.

Children in Sun Yuan, if one of them feels that he has been treated unfairly and has an emotion, the teacher will accompany him alone until the child recovers his emotion. This process may be completed by the child automatically, or the teacher may contact him again, but it always makes the child feel that the teacher has accepted him, but his mood needs to be adjusted.

The whole process is completely inclusive, and the teacher just plays the role of borrowing from the middle.

Of course, rule education should also be based on rationality, and rules and regulations themselves belong to the category of rationality. Advocating the education of "letting go of right and wrong" is to dress up the hard truth as a beautiful, gentle and lovely "feeling" and let it flow quietly into children's hearts. This hard truth is clearly defined by body, mind and even mind, which is easy to reject.

In addition, overcorrection must be overcorrected, especially as a catchword that is easy to remember and use. If you want to cover everything, it means there is no point. The same is true of "letting go of right and wrong".

It can be seen that the rules in the kingdom of love and freedom must be based on letting go of "right and wrong".

Be polite to "inferior people"

Some people may think that "letting go of right and wrong" communication is too troublesome and it is much easier to reason.

Wu Zhihong told such a story in the course of "acquisition" psychology:

Disciple asked, "Master, sometimes you hit people and call names; Sometimes you are very polite to people. Is there any mystery in this? "

The master said: "treat the gentleman directly, beat him or scold him, and treat him truly;" Treating the middle class is the most metaphorical and measured. He can't stand beating and scolding. Treat the inferior with a smile and folded hands. He is fragile and narrow-minded, and can't bear too many accusations and reprimands. He only deserves secular etiquette! "

It is obviously inappropriate to divide people into upper, middle and lower classes. However, if people's psychological intensity can be divided into three levels, then this story vividly explains why education needs to put aside right and wrong.

A "gentleman", with good self-stability and strong psychological energy, can directly tell him right and wrong and point to the problem.

However, according to the law of growth, people's psychological endurance is directly proportional to their age, so children are naturally inferior to adults in this respect.

When the boss is in a bad mood and scolds the employees, most adults can tolerate it, but children can hardly tolerate it. It's a good person to be pleasant, but a bad person to be cruel. This is the universal standard for children to know people, so it is difficult for them to become "gentlemen".

Especially those children who make their parents extremely anxious in their studies, almost without exception, feel inferior psychologically. They are "fragile" ... they can't bear too many accusations and reprimands. " Therefore, once a family has a school baby, many people will fall into different degrees of "war." According to the baby's personality and the energy ratio between parents and children, the time of war will be different. Some people start as soon as they go to school, while others don't start until middle school. Of course, some of them go to college, and their parents can't control them. Finally, they began their liberation career under the pressure of studying since childhood. There are more people muddling along in Huada, and drifting with the water is also a journey.

In fact, without exception, these families use the educational concept of "right and wrong" to directly point out their children's problems, accuse them of not doing this, and tell them that they should. According to the old monk in the story, this is for the upper class.

We use the method of giving to the "superior" to the "inferior", and it is a natural result that communication is blocked and leads to an outbreak.

In my extracurricular teaching career of more than 20 years, the way of communication with children is determined according to their psychological endurance.

From being tired of reading to being able to consciously face and solve various problems in learning, communication with them is from bottom to top.

At first, my psychological endurance was weak, so I treated them as inferior people to make them happy and tried my best to amplify their bright spots, many of which were never affirmed.

For example, some children are not good at learning but have strong language skills. I will tell them that it's good to be a host when they grow up. However, this child has too much "nonsense" on weekdays. This specialty is often accused by teachers and parents, saying that he knows nonsense without studying hard. After a long time, the child is not confident and feels that he can't compare with his classmates anywhere, which is useless.

For example, some children have been criticized for learning to paint since childhood, and they say no when it comes to painting. I will use some steps to make them take a selfie after painting two or three times, so that he can make a psychological and technical breakthrough. Then slowly lead this successful experience to study.

The process of children's transformation is also a process of gradually improving their psychological endurance from "inferior" to "medium" or even "excellent".

When I am psychologically mature, I will discuss my study with them directly. But in the second stage, I still can't tell him all the questions, say a few questions, and then exaggerate some good places. Compared with the first stage, it is directly pointed out that the composition increases and the composition decreases.

When their psychology grows further, that is, when they reach the stage of gentlemen, they can directly say what I really think of them. There is no need to exaggerate their achievements too much, because their inner selves are already very strong at this time, and no one will be upset because of what others say. I don't move when the wind blows. Although I can't do it well, I'm basically close.

Today's children are under the control of their parents and teachers since childhood, facing a high-pressure learning environment, and their psychological fragility is everywhere. Facing the fragile psychology of "inferiority complex", how should rational adults choose education? Obviously, the "right and wrong" education mode of "pointing directly at people's hearts" and "being true to him" is not feasible; "Smile" and completely accept the education mode of "letting go of right and wrong" can open the door to children's hearts and let their parents' guidance run into their hearts.

? Home is not a reasonable place.

In family education, it is difficult for parents not to tell their children right and wrong. Children don't blame the godfather. Isn't teaching telling children the truth of life? Being a man is always reasonable. How can a child understand without talking?

Everything exists for a reason. The words of the ancestors are not groundless. Practice has proved that many principles and concepts for treating children are inseparable from their family background when they grow up and go to the society or get married and start a new stove later.

Every truth must be divided into right and wrong, so we will keep telling our children that it is wrong to listen carefully in class and not be serious; Writing correctly and scribbling indicate that your learning attitude is wrong; Students should be United and friendly, and fighting is wrong; Do your homework quickly, it's wrong to dawdle. ...

As a parent, I inherited the "right and wrong" education law of the previous generation, and it is not wrong to continue to use it to complete the cause of raising children. But it turns out that the biggest role of reason education is that children are more reasonable than their parents, and they gather a lot of reasons to deal with their parents' reasons. After parents explained the truth once, they found that many problems in their children still exist or even get worse, or old problems have been solved, and new problems are constantly emerging, which is difficult to deal with, thus causing deep parenting anxiety. On the one hand, they firmly adhere to reasonable educational methods, on the other hand, they feel helpless and powerless about the lack of better educational methods.

In fact, home is not a reasonable place. As we said before, as long as it is truth, there must be the opposite truth. Husband and wife, one from a well-organized family and the other from a casually placed family, will have differences when they get married. One said, how can the house be messy? It should be neat! Another said, things are always used anyway, so why put them away? How tired! Who do you think is more reasonable?

Like a 9 between two people, looking at each other from both ends. What is the number? It is absolutely impossible for one person to see 6 and one person to see 9. Everyone knows a number clearly, but in specific things, they are often immersed in their own truth, and it is difficult to perceive the rationality of the opposite truth.

Regarding parenting education, parents talk about their parents' reasons, and children think they have their own reasons. As a result, in adolescence, these children drowned by truth began to resist, and piles of truth were ready to be thrown at their parents. This is one of the reasons why the rebellious phenomenon of adolescent children is particularly prominent in China's education. Children with weak energy will be easily hurt by the truth of these collisions when they reach adolescence, and problems such as suicide, self-harm and depression will also follow the trend.

Therefore, home should be an emotional harbor, a special place to maintain people with affection, which requires that kind of special true feelings and mutual concern between people. Only in this way, the family can sail back in the wind and waves outside to recuperate and travel better.

Of course, the family also needs the integration of truth, but this truth is based on mutual understanding and respect. It is the fruit that * * * is willing to pour from the heart, and it is the atmosphere that everyone expects, not the orders, pressures, accusations and complaints of one party.

Everything in the world, yin and yang overlap.

In the new four-type personality theory, every personality is a "good" and a "bad", which are indispensable. Just like a set meal, it makes sense to tie it together; Like the cap and body of a pen, neither end is complete. Therefore, if someone talks to me about the advantages and disadvantages of children now, I will be at a loss and can't find a feeling. In my eyes, only children have long boards and short boards compared with others, and so do adults.

Isn't it? If a child is very emotional and shows more helpfulness than the average child, at the same time, he may often cross the line, either helping others too much and wronged himself, or accusing others of ingratitude.

Everything in the world depends on each other, and there is yang in yin and yin in yang, which complement each other and oppose each other.

Everyone likes the scenery, and they also like to leave the city to soak in nature when they are tired on weekdays. Imagine, do you prefer the natural landscape of the royal garden with clean and tidy ground and neatly trimmed trees, or do you prefer the leaves rustling and the trees fluttering in the wind? I think many people will find the latter more enlightening. Because the former has been repaired and arranged by artificial rules, without strong contrast, the taste of nature will be less, while the scenery close to nature or pure scenery can often give us the pleasure of changing scenery, which can constantly set off ripples in our hearts and make us more interesting.

However, in this natural landscape, there are not only beautiful flowers and lush trees, but also many hay under the trees and dead leaves in the flowers. It is these branches and leaves that can't be seen in the royal gardens that constitute a more natural and pleasant landscape. Without them, there would be no more pure natural scenery.

There is a passage in the Tao Te Ching: "As everyone knows, beauty is beauty, and evil is itself; Everyone knows whether it's good or not, but it's not. Whether there is a phase or not, the difficulty and the difficulty complement each other, the sentence length is the same, the height is the same, and the sound is the same. "

(Note: As we all know, beauty lies in ugliness. Everyone knows that good is good, because there is evil. Therefore, there is mutual transformation between existence and non-existence, mutual formation between difficulty and easiness, mutual presentation of length and breadth, mutual complementarity of height and breadth, harmony of sound and sound, and continuity-this is eternity. )

There are many reasons in the world, and no one can't find its opposite.

Read a book a hundred times, and you will understand its meaning.

? "It doesn't matter" VS "Details decide success or failure"

"Out of the mud but not stained" VS "Those who are near Zhu Zhechi and near Mexico are black"

Rabbits don't eat grass near their nests.

As the old saying goes: everything is inferior, only reading is high; As the old saying goes, nothing goes to the Three Treasures Hall.

As the old saying goes, it's too late to mend; As the saying goes, it is not too late to mend!

……

A mature person can freely shuttle between relative truths and feel the meaning from the established context of each truth. This is the "gentleman". But children can't. When they were born, there were only two endpoints in their minds: this shore and the other shore, and then they gradually woke up and grew up in the middle. At this time, if extreme educational methods are often used to treat right and wrong, then the mind is likely to be disordered and divided, and it is difficult to develop into an essential middle ground for social people.

Mind here refers not to IQ, but to EQ, that is, the emotional state and processing ability when interacting with people or social affairs.

I have been close to my children for many years, and I have witnessed their burning heart lights with my own eyes, but I have no choice but to witness that these lights are destroyed by external right and wrong. Therefore, I sincerely hope that more and more people can see the wonderful and wonderful beyond the boundaries of "right and wrong", so that children can have more room for happy growth and parents can have less painful and helpless parenting experiences.

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Summary:

If you really want to practice love and freedom, you must win in physical education in China. As parents, we must first "put aside right and wrong" for our children.

If the "unconditional acceptance" in psychological counseling is grafted into education, it will be easier for parents and educators to learn some simple counseling skills, and it will be easier to change the "problem children".

Love, freedom and rules are triplets, which are indispensable in the process of raising children. Only the rule of "letting go of right and wrong" can be worthy of "love and freedom"

Facing the fragile psychology of "inferiority", "pointing directly at people's hearts" and "being true to him" will not work; Only by "smiling", fully accepting and "letting go of right and wrong" can children open their hearts, and education and guidance can nourish their hearts.

Home is not a place to reason, but a harbor to maintain emotions; Home also needs reasonable integration, but it must promote emotional flow.

Everything in the world is interdependent, and it is difficult to interpret relative things with absolute right and wrong.