In life, some people feel uncomfortable when they speak, such as:
Whether the speaker intends to or not, all these words that make people feel extremely uncomfortable can be called "language violence", which fills our world, always brings us intangible mental harm and even causes many disastrous tragedies.
It's not that people are naturally fond of "exporting hurts people", but that they are influenced by social and cultural factors. People are used to communicating in the language of judgment, comparison, command and accusation, which seems to make the other party obey the rules and understand the truth.
But this way of communication is completely ineffective. Criticism cannot change a person. Unfortunately, most people don't know how to express themselves correctly, so as to achieve real respect and understanding between each other, including ourselves.
We always talk too much and do too little about how to express and listen. It was not until I saw nonviolent communication that I found the real crux. This book tells us that any effective communication should include four expression steps, namely observation, feeling, need and request. When we speak, we often think that we have made these four aspects clear, but in fact, the deviation is great.
Once we correct these deviations and express them accurately, we can easily resolve language violence. Not only that, we can also become communicators and really walk into other people's hearts.
The first step in effective communication is to state your observations. But we always like to use subjective judgment instead of observed objective facts, which is a common language habit.
For example, a supervisor said to his subordinates, "I find that your work status is not very good recently." The supervisor thinks what he said is the fact he observed.
This sentence is actually a judgment, which will cause anxiety of subordinates. If it is to express the truth, it should be like this: "I saw you staring out of the window for half an hour at work yesterday."
For another example, the boss said to an employee, "You are often late recently. Is there anything at home? " This is also a judgment. The statement of fact should be: "Monday and Wednesday, you arrived at the company twenty minutes late in the morning." Is there anything at home? "
Similar examples are too numerous to mention. On reflection, we can find that it is always too easy for us to take the judgment as a fact. So the Indian philosopher Krishnamurti said, "Observation without comment is the highest form of human wisdom."
In the world of our language, there are "moral judgments" and double standards for people and ourselves.
Too much homework given by the teacher means "too much"; Someone drives past me, and he is an "asshole"; If my girlfriend wants to be more considerate, she will be "too clingy", while if I want to be more considerate, she will be "as cold as ice"; Colleagues care more about details. He is obsessive-compulsive. On the contrary, if I care more about details, he is careless. ...
"Non-violent Communication" points out that if facts and judgments are confused in communication, people will tend to hear criticism and then have rebellious psychology. No matter how honest your original intention of communication is, it will only backfire in the end. Even if the other side accepts criticism and makes concessions, it is usually unwilling. They are likely to hold a grudge and hate themselves.
In order to make communication really fruitful, we must first clearly distinguish between judgment and fact. Pay attention to using less or no judgmental words when you speak.
When you want to say "this person is lazy", you can say "this person hasn't been out for seven days in a row and sleeps 10 hours or more every day." When you want to say "this child is stupid", you can say: "I don't understand what this child sometimes does, but he is not a stupid child." Even when you want to say "he is a cook", you should change it to "I saw a person stirring food together, making a fire and looking at the cooking stove" ...
Avoid using subjective adverbs such as "often, always and never" and subjective adjectives such as "good, bad, high, low, fat and thin", and learn to use concrete facts and figures instead. This will be a challenging and interesting exercise.
Similarly, when you find that what others say to you contains subjective judgment, don't get angry or rush to refute or explain. You can guide the other person to turn his attention to observation. For example, if your boss says you don't work hard, you can ask, "What do you mean? Is there a few typos in the report I submitted? "
In life, people seldom express their feelings accurately. People think that feelings don't matter, what matters is "correct thinking" advocated by various authorities. Therefore, we are encouraged to obey authority, not ourselves. We are used to thinking, "What do people expect me to do?" Instead of "how do I feel inside?"
We often equate "thoughts" with "feelings". For example, when you say "I don't think I play the guitar well", you are expressing your thoughts, not your feelings. To express your feelings, you can say, "As a guitarist, I feel a little lost." "As a guitarist, I am depressed." "As a guitarist, I am bored."
When you add a critical word after "I think", you are expressing your thoughts, not your feelings. I think you should know more. I feel very incompetent. I think the boss is mean. I think he is very responsible. Feeling abandoned, disturbed, rejected, bullied, used, ignored, unappreciated and so on.
It is not easy to experience and express feelings. You need a rich vocabulary to do this. Non-violent communication provides us with words to express our feelings.
Positive feelings include:
Negative emotions include:
Pay special attention to expressing feelings, that is, everyone should be responsible for their feelings. Don't say "what you did makes me angry", but say "I'm angry that you did it."
In communication, when the other person's words contain "violence", remember that no matter what the other person says, you only need to understand and say how he feels at this moment.
For example, the husband said to his wife, "What's the use of talking to you? You never listen. " If you were a wife, how would you respond?
You might say, "Are you angry with me?" But that means the other person is angry because of you. The correct statement is: "You look a little unhappy."
When we tell each other how we feel, the tone is very important. Your tone cannot imply criticism or ridicule, nor can it seem to announce the inner world of others. You should make others feel that you are feeling his feelings, not drawing conclusions, so that they generally won't resent it.
After accurately expressing our feelings, we can speak out our inner needs. But we often use critical language to express our needs.
Behind the words of criticism and accusation, there is often an unmet need. If a person says "you will never understand me", he is actually eager to be understood. If the wife says, "You have been working late every day this week, and you like to work, but you don't like me", it reflects that she values intimacy.
Our social culture does not encourage us to express our personal needs. For example, when a woman feels tired, she may not say, "I'm exhausted today, and now I want to have a rest." Instead, she would say, "You know I haven't rested all day. I washed all the dirty clothes this week, prepared lunch and dinner, went out shopping ... you did nothing at home all day. Should I help me sweep the floor? "
If we speak our needs directly, the other party will probably respond positively, but unfortunately, most people are not used to thinking from the perspective of needs. When things don't go well, we tend to think about what others did wrong. When we put forward our opinions through criticism, we often get the other side's excuses or counterattacks.
A pair of lovers always quarrel. Girls have been accusing their boyfriends of never caring about their feelings, but never telling them what they really want. "Give it to me if you say it. I don't want it." This logic has caused too many contradictions. In fact, no one is a worm in anyone's stomach, and the real understanding is impossible to guess.
Let go of criticism, learn to express your own needs and understand the needs of others. For example, when a husband says to his wife, "What's the use of talking to you? When you never listen well, a wife can learn more about her husband's needs besides telling him how she feels: "You seem a little unhappy. Because you need to be understood? "
No matter what "vicious" words others say, when you pay attention to other people's needs instead of what they think of you, you will find that others are not so terrible. You will stand on a higher level and pay attention to what the other person needs now, rather than what you have done wrong. Once you take the so-called criticism and accusation as an opportunity to help people in pain, you will not be hurt, but will feel happy.
When you have spoken out your observations and expressed your feelings and needs, you can make your own demands and tell the other party what you want them to do. This requirement cannot be vague, but must be specific, and the more specific, the better.
When expressing your requirements, you should clearly say what you want, not what you don't want. If you say to your lover, "I hope you don't spend too much time at work," the other person may reduce working hours and go to the gym instead. You have to say, "I hope you stay at home with me and my children at least two nights a week." Such requirements are specific.
Remember not to use abstract language when making requests. A couple had an argument. The wife said to her husband, "I think you should let me be myself." The husband retorted, "didn't I?" The wife said angrily, "Of course you didn't!" The husband asked her what she really wanted, and the wife replied, "I hope you can set me free!" " "This requirement is still too abstract, and there is no operability at all.
If you are a parent, don't say to your child, "I just hope you can have a little sense of responsibility." You should explain to your children what sense of responsibility is. So that the child will know what to do next.
Observation, feeling, need and request are four steps to help us stay away from language violence. In real communication, it may be just a short paragraph.
For example, a mother said to her son, "I saw two dirty socks on your bed." I am not very happy because I value neatness. " Can you put your socks in the dirty laundry basket? "In this sentence, my mother clearly stated the four elements of effective communication.
We should practice this expression in every communication, and at the same time learn to listen to others with concern and constantly ask others about their observations, feelings, needs and requirements. The more the other person shows bad mood and aggressiveness, the more you should. As long as we pay attention to the feelings and needs of others, all criticism, attack, abuse or ridicule will disappear.
This way of communication is by no means a compromise, but a smarter way. When you really do it, you will realize a simple fact: sometimes, we think we are accused, but in fact those words are just the way others express their needs and requests.
When you communicate in this way, you can also listen to the inner voice of yourself and others, and you will know yourself more deeply and let others regard you as a confidant.
There is such a story in nonviolent communication. An old lady was ill in hospital, and the nurse told her, "Your illness is not serious. As long as you take medicine, you will be fine. " But the old lady didn't listen. She muttered "I don't want to live" all day.
One day, a hospital volunteer walked into the ward. She saw the old man sitting alone in the room and kept saying "I don't want to live". So she asked, "You mean, you don't want to live?"
The old lady was surprised and stopped, and her expression was much more relaxed. She began to say that no one knew how painful she was. Volunteers continued to express their understanding. Soon, they felt their affection for each other and sat together arm in arm.
Later that day, the old lady began to eat and take medicine, and her mood improved obviously. Although the nurses have been comforting and giving her advice, only this volunteer has provided the old man with what she really needs-she needs someone to understand her deep despair.
The four-step communication method is simple, but it can bring immediate and fundamental changes. If you want to stay away from verbal violence and get happiness and harmony in interpersonal relationships, then you must try.