Avoid communication conflicts and improve social competitiveness.

A person will play many roles in his life.

? -william shakespeare

First, 99% of communication conflicts come from the dislocation of communication roles.

Communication is a bridge of interpersonal relationship.

Hello, I'm Yue.

Many people always have such troubles in workplace communication, such as communication between colleagues, bosses, subordinates, customers and family members, such as communication between husband and wife, parents, children and other family members, love communication, and communication between friends.

For example, "I am right to reason, but why doesn't the other party listen?" There will even be conflicts and contradictions.

In my opinion, 99% of communication contradictions are caused by the dislocation of roles in communication, that is, the positioning is not clear.

What is a communication role? When you start a conversation, imagine Yi as a character, and then speak with the words and deeds of this character.

Communication role dislocation refers to the behavior that the role player does not meet the expectations and requirements of society, groups, organizations and others in actual communication.

Role misplacement stifles your career development and happiness in life.

Many couples communicate with themselves not as husband and wife, but as father and daughter, such as Luo Zijun and Chen in The First Half of Life.

In the communication of many colleagues in the workplace, everyone is equal, so we should communicate with each other with respect, not looking up, not looking down, but looking at each other.

However, some people unconsciously play a condescending role because their abilities, qualifications and academic qualifications are stronger than each other, older than each other and higher than each other. Such communication will naturally not be smooth.

Let's give an example:

A: Honey, where did you get it when you used it? Put it back after use.

B: Oh. All right.

Answer: For example, the remote control should be put back, the shoes should be put in the shoe cabinet, and the clothes should be hung on the hanger. I have to help you clean up every time, you hear me?

I heard you. I'm not a three-year-old anymore,

A: Yo, you're starting to get upset? Didn't I just remind you? When did I not remind you repeatedly? Your temper is still so big.

B: You are like an old maid by my side every day. Very annoying.

Hey, you, asshole!

In this sitcom, the roles of husband and wife are misplaced.

A wife just unconsciously regards herself as a mother and her husband as a child. Therefore, in terms of communication and expression, her tone of speaking to her children annoyed her husband and found her wordy. If it is replaced by equal communication, it should be like this.

Honey, I'm a little tired. Come and help me rub my shoulders.

Ah, what's the matter Have you been working too hard recently?

I've been under a lot of pressure at work recently. I can't help it There is a lot of work to be done. I hope everyone can help me share some.

B: I hope I can help you share it, too. Oh, it breaks my heart.

Honey, that's very kind of you. Can you help me with some housework now?

B: Of course. what can I do?

Please help me put away the remote control board, shoes and clothes. When you are busy, you will forget to put things back.

Sorry, wife. I will pay attention to this in the future.

In this sitcom, the characteristics of mutual care and love between husband and wife are used, and then the request is made, which makes the other party feel that this is a respectful reminder, not an imperative accusation.

Communication is the process of the transmission and feedback of thoughts and feelings between people and groups, so as to achieve ideological consistency and emotional smoothness.

In communication role-playing, we must understand our role orientation in order to communicate with each other more effectively.

Once the roles are misplaced, communication will go wrong.

Second, the wrong role positioning communication

There is a saying in China: "What song to sing at the top of the mountain". In communication, you should also say what you see and adjust your communication role in time.

There are two major manifestations of communication role dislocation:

First of all, in its position, not its politics:

I am in that role, but I don't understand the responsibilities and obligations of my role.

Let's give an example:

Xiao Min, don't do it yet. Leave it to me.

B: yes, but I just finished half of it. I can do it myself.

I have finished half your time. Forget it. I will do it. It's better to do it yourself.

B: Leader, I know this matter is very important, and I have been doing it with great care.

A: Don't look at the process, look at the results. You should stop this job and do something else. I'll do it myself.

B: Oh.

Obviously, this is communication between superiors and subordinates. Seemingly reasonable: the subordinates didn't finish the important things told by their superiors in time, and the superiors decided to do them themselves, which is actually a kind of communication with misplaced roles. He is not the protagonist, but an unreasonable bully in the office.

As a leader, the important tasks are: sometimes give guidance and help to subordinates, encourage and spur subordinates when they are discouraged, praise and encourage subordinates when they make achievements, and so on. Instead of doing everything yourself, regardless of the true feelings of subordinates.

Second, it is not in its place, but for its administration.

Meaning plays a communication role that does not belong to itself, but communicates with each other in that role.

Let's give another example:

Manager Zhang, I can't accept your offer. The company will lose money at this price.

B: Manager Tian, this is the greatest sincerity of our company.

C: Yes, Manager Zhang. Our price has been carefully calculated. You will never lose money.

A: That's true, but if you add the freight and time cost, there is no money at all.

C: Why not? You can go back and think about how to save time and freight.

Who are you? Tell me what the company does, or I'll let you do this position. Will you be the general manager? Your boss didn't speak. Why did you interrupt?

C: I'm thinking about your company, too. I hope the cooperation will be successful.

Is this something you should consider? You just need to keep the minutes of the meeting.

Sitcom is a bit exaggerated, but such spread exists. In many business occasions, such as meetings, negotiations, forgetting your role, grabbing words, showing off, and expressing unscrupulously. What is the result? Obviously.

Third, the overall mode of role positioning: ODCR mind map

Let's go back to our general model. Let me emphasize again that everyone must master this communication mode, that is, the four-dimensional thinking before you are ready to communicate.

1) The purpose of role positioning:

Will not lead to communication dislocation due to role positioning errors.

The purpose of role positioning is to clarify your responsibilities and obligations in any communication situation and avoid poor communication.

Role positioning is not clear:

Xiao Zhang, I want to tell you that you can't be lazy. Whoever is lazy will be eliminated by society. Look at you, you are so fat and don't exercise. Why don't you go running with me on weekends?

B: Mind your own business, not others.

You should know that I did it for your own good.

No need. My mother doesn't dislike me being fat. What don't you like?

I still don't like you, huh?

Clear role positioning:

What are you doing this weekend?

B: Sleep, go shopping and play games.

Wow, that's comfortable. I'm going to the gym to exercise. I wonder if you have time and are interested in going with me.

B: Exercise is very tiring.

A: I'm a little tired, mainly because we have been working for a week and our bodies need to be activated, so that we can be healthy. Health makes the future. What did you say?/Sorry?

That makes sense. Why don't you call me this weekend?

In the wrong demonstration, A regards himself as a preacher and plays the role of B's elder, which is difficult to communicate and misleading. In the correct demonstration, A obviously played the equal role of brothers and colleagues, so the communication was smooth.

2) Requirements for role positioning:

The greatest demand for role positioning is not to misplace roles. Once misplaced, it will lead to communication dislocation.

Simply put, if you think you are keeping a low profile, others will think you are sophisticated.

If you think you are kind, others will think you are useless. You are the leader, and you think that your company has a good environment and employees are happy at work, but this is not the case.

3) The core of role positioning:

The core is: matching. Know what role you play on what occasion.

The case at the negotiating table we quoted earlier is a typical mismatched communication role. Employees think they stole the boss's thunder, cut in at inappropriate times and made reckless remarks, so they want to instruct companies with business cooperation what to do. Is this a joke?

4) The result of role positioning:

Role orientation is to be responsible for the results of communication, or to exchange information in language in order to complete something as soon as possible. Meetings, interviews and sales promotion are all the same. Or build relationships. Dating, chatting and eating are mostly like this.

Role positioning will enable us to achieve successful communication through correct role matching.

Four functions of communication without making mistakes

Irving Goffman, a social scientist, said: In communication, each of us is not only a screenwriter, but also a performer, performing the roles we create.

You must wonder: "There are so many people and characters in this world, do you have to learn their communication skills?" "

Yes, if you list all kinds of communication roles one by one, you can't finish talking for three days and nights, but you can correct your role positioning from the perspective of "role dislocation"

There are four kinds of dislocation of communication roles: downward dislocation, upward dislocation, inward dislocation and outward dislocation.

Every dislocation has a negative representative function, and I will give you a representative correct function.

1) How to avoid downward dislocation of communication?

Downward dislocation means that when you are not in the same position as the communication object, such as elders and juniors, leaders and subordinates, it is easy to produce downward communication dislocation.

Typical performance: ask everything.

Lack of trust in the younger generation and subordinates. I have to ask myself everything and communicate everything, lest the younger generation and employees make mistakes. There will even be "I don't want to waste my breath with you, I will do better myself." "Children are children, and nothing is considered and immature." Wait, something like that. For managers, if we focus on the implementation level, will there be progress? For elders, if the focus is on size, will children be independent?

Wrong role positioning: worrying about parents

Characteristics of communication: worrying about everything, being serious, seemingly caring everywhere, but not at ease.

Communication performance: let me give an example of the workplace.

Have you finished the proposal for tomorrow?

B: I'm finished.

Have you checked?

B: Yes.

Did you check the typo? And don't lose the pictures, and the words should be smooth. These must be checked.

B: If you don't believe me, I'll check it again. Although I have checked it five times.

A: Tell you what, send it to me and I'll check it again. It's not that I don't trust you, but that we can't make mistakes, right?

B: You are the leader. You must be right.

A: By the way, after I have checked, I will explain the main points to you in case you make mistakes in reporting the proposal tomorrow.

B: Otherwise, you can bring it up on stage tomorrow.

A: That's good. It's not that I don't trust you. We should strive for perfection.

This kind of leader is very tired, positioning himself as caring for his parents and treating his subordinates as children. In the long run, what will everyone think?

Correct communication role: navigator

Communication characteristics: oriented, guiding, regardless of details, focusing on strategy. In other words, guide the correct downward communication to achieve the purpose of communication.

Communication performance: I still use the above example.

Have you finished the proposal for tomorrow?

B: I'm finished.

Have you checked?

B: Yes.

A: Very good. Our proposal is particularly important, and I'm glad you can finish it on time. Are you sure about tomorrow's report? Can I be an audience for once?

Of course, I think so too. I hope you can point out the shortcomings.

A: * * * The same discussion.

A: Don't worry about tomorrow's gains and losses. You won't be proud if you lose. I will cheer for you.

Go all out! Thank you, leader.

This kind of communication is ingenious and enlightening, which not only checks the proposal, but also inspires subordinates.

2) How to avoid upward dislocation of communication?

The protagonist who is dislocated downwards is a superior elder. Upward dislocation is just the opposite, the protagonist is the younger generation and subordinates.

Typical performance: self-assertion.

Self-righteousness and self-assertion in communication is not that you don't take the words of your elders or the instructions of your leaders to heart, but that you play it again. Help leaders make decisions in the workplace and make decisions for their elders in life.

Misunderstanding role: spokesperson

Communication characteristics: pretending to be a spokesperson, making decisions for others, crossing the line and offside without knowing it.

Communication performance: I still give an example of workplace communication.

A: the company policy has come down. Being late for three times, the performance will be deducted 1, which is equivalent to a fine for 200 yuan.

B: Leader, I think there is something wrong with this strategy.

A: Is there a problem?

B: I think it's a bit serious to deduct 1 point three times. Employees have opinions. After all, everyone has a different distance. 200 yuan hurts. There will be many opinions then.

A: Then what do you think is reasonable?

B: Deduct 1 minute for 6 times. Try for 3 months first, and then coordinate if it fails.

Hey, Xiao Ming, I think you are a little behind the times in the company.

B: Hehe, I think so, too.

I think you are suitable for my position. No, my position still makes you feel wronged. Why don't you talk to the chairman and give him to you?

Once subordinates regard themselves as spokesmen, their roles will be dislocated upward. Everyone in the enterprise is a decision maker, so it is difficult to implement decisions and instructions and to do practical work. Can you think of such an example in your life?

Correct communication role: reporter.

Communication characteristics: suppose you are a reporter, and then ask some effective questions to seek the truth. As long as you don't offend each other too much, then this question is more effective.

Communication performance: I still give an example of workplace communication.

A: the company policy has come down. Being late for three times, the performance will be deducted 1, which is equivalent to a fine for 200 yuan.

B: Leader, since the company has formulated a strategy, we will definitely implement it, but there are some things I don't understand. May I ask?

A: Of course.

B: Why did you deduct 1 minute three times? What angle does the company consider? And why pay a fine? What does the company think?

A: You asked two very good questions. Three deductions 1 minute because we found that everyone was basically late for about 4-5 times. If you are punished three times, it will arouse everyone's vigilance. Fine is to make everyone feel that there is a lot of money and it is not too late.

I see. What about those colleagues who live far away? What about colleagues with low wages?

A: Farther ones can only make them get up early. Of course, you'd better not be late

B: I heard that it's interesting to punish employees for being late for the pulse class next door. If they run three times late, 1 km. If you are late for more than three times, you should pay your colleagues to eat fruit or milk tea. Do you think they can do it?

Wow, that's interesting. I'll find out and communicate with the leaders above. Thank you, Xiaoming.

You see, the purpose of this communication has been achieved. Through the role of a reporter, ask questions that the other party does not dislike, let the other party think and choose, and achieve satisfactory communication results.

3) How to avoid introverted dislocation in communication?

Introverted dislocation refers to arbitrarily invading other people's psychological space during communication. To put it more figuratively, it's like animal territory. If you are invaded by foreign objects for no reason, you will naturally be attacked.

We should remember that everyone needs their own private space, and when communicating, they should not touch it. As we said before, it is the same reason not to laugh at obese people and not to abolish disabled people.

Typical performance: unscrupulous.

In communication, everything is forgiven and free to play. I always thought I was familiar with my colleagues, friends, elders and customers, so I didn't have proper restrictions on speaking and forgot my role. Invade others' privacy, secrets or shortcomings at will. Do you have such friends around you?

Misunderstanding role: intruder

Characteristics of communication: Indiscriminate, not paying attention to time and place, seriously undermining each other's "intimacy".

Communication performance: give an example of communication in life.

Woman: Honey, your mother and I have a little trouble again.

Man: She's an old man. You have to make way.

Woman: Who said I wouldn't let her? She took the old clothes I threw away and picked them up in the dustbin downstairs. I complained a few words, but she saidno. I know how to cherish it. When are you going to talk about her?

M: It was not easy for my mother to bring up several children with great pains since childhood. Bear with it.

Woman: Why should I put up with it? Why don't you tell your mother to put up with it? Are you out of your mind? Won't you put up with it? Hum, she is your mother, you are a family, and I am an outsider!

Man: You just don't make sense! Nothing makes sense.

Woman: Asshole!

This wife is a typical intruder. Her invasion of her husband's psychological territory is that her mother is too great to be abused. Once you break through this communication line, the other party will not give you a good face.

Correct communication role: partner

Communication characteristics: empathy, let the other side have empathy.

You can think of yourself as a partner, that is, here you will be more concerned about each other's interests and positions, and whether there are any difficulties you can share. This kind of communication will be more equal and sincere at the same time.

Communication performance: let's correctly interpret the above case again.

Woman: Honey, I may have offended my mother.

Man: What's the matter?

W: I think there are too many things at home. If some old things are not clearly discarded, the whole house will be chaotic and will affect the mood, so I threw away some unused things. Maybe it makes mom sad, and I don't think it's easy for her either.

Man: Ah, I see. You have to throw things behind your mother's back.

W: I gave up my life for our family, too, so as to run this family well. And the things I picked up were not handled properly, which was not good for the children's health. Grandma loves her grandson, doesn't she?

Man: Yes, don't let mom see it when you throw it. She used to suffer too much, and she formed the habit of cherishing things.

W: I understand, so I feel uncomfortable and unhappy.

M: Don't be unhappy. I'll talk to mom.

Woman: Will she be unhappy with you?

This wife is very clever. She knows where her husband's psychological bottom line is. Never speak ill of her mother-in-law from beginning to end, and explain the facts and feelings for her husband like a partner. The communication result is naturally satisfactory.

4) How to avoid the outward dislocation of communication?

Extroversion dislocation means treating yourself as an outsider in communication, "going alone", "drawing a clear line", clearing the responsibility for "troublesome things" and staying out of everything.

Typical performance: none of my business.

This matter has nothing to do with me. I am not responsible for this matter. It's not my fault. I haven't even touched this client. Communication environment like this. Is to disconnect yourself from communication anytime, anywhere.

Misunderstanding role: outsider

Communication characteristics: constantly remind each other when communicating, and the things and work described have little to do with themselves, so they can't bear so many responsibilities.

Communication performance: give another workplace case.

Xiao Zhang, is your department responsible for this matter?

Our department is in charge, but Xiaoming is in charge.

A: What about proofreading?

Is Xiao Fang in charge?

A: What about the data in the case?

Xiaohong is in charge.

A: Who can I talk to for case correction?

Xiao Fang

A: Then what are you responsible for? Aren't you the dean?

I'm responsible for taking a message for you. Don't do specific things.

Are you familiar with this case? This kind of communication can happen at any time in the workplace. So what is the right role?

Correct communication role: family members

Characteristics of communication: When communicating, people can always understand this matter and their habits, and they are willing to take responsibility and actively participate.

In love and the workplace, the role of family can reassure people, generate trust and make communication smooth.

Communication performance: In the above case, let's adjust the role.

Xiao Zhang, is your department responsible for this matter?

Our department is in charge, but Xiaoming is in charge. But is there a problem? Can you tell me?

A: There is something wrong with the copywriting, the data needs to be checked, and the overall case needs to be proofread.

B: Several of their leaders are clear about the specific problems. I'll have them check with you later. You can also tell me first and let me know the whole situation. Although I didn't participate in the specific thing, I know every step of it.

A: OK. Here's the thing. ...

You see, once the role changes, you take responsibility for yourself and let this communication continue. Rather than stop at the above situation.

I recently read a short story to share with you:

On the wedding night, the shy bride suddenly covered her mouth and said to the groom with a smile, "Look, the mouse is stealing your rice, hee hee …".

The next night, the mouse came again, and the bride roared, "Damn mouse! Dare to steal my mother's rice! " "whoosh!" A shoe flew past with a bang.

Obviously, the bride quickly completed the transformation from "outsider" to "belonging to her own family" and dared to take responsibility.

Five, the class summary notice and homework

Everyone should be clear about their role in every communication occasion, not offside, not grab a position. Such communication and expression will show high emotional intelligence. No matter what kind of communication, it is nothing more than upward, downward, inward and outward. Remember your correct role, so that every communication will be smooth and there will be no contradiction.

I'm Yue. See you next class.