The reason is that I scrambled eggs with persimmons this morning, and he thought there was too much soup in it. Then I said delicious, but he didn't think it was delicious. Then I was dissatisfied with his fault-finding behavior when he got up, and the breakfast after that ended in silence.
Because I was reading the book Key Dialogue recently, I was not angry because he was out of control, but I chose silence as a way to refuse to communicate. Although we talked at noon and made up as before, we still hope to resume this process. Today, through this little incident, I deeply realized that knowing and doing it really needs constant conscious practice. It's really hard to control it rationally when it's time to be emotional. I still remember that time, always telling myself not to be angry, to be restrained, and to apply the contents of the book. But I felt very wronged at that time and didn't want to make these positive attempts at all.
In the book Key Dialogue, it is mentioned that in order to avoid excessive behavior, we should first stop the current practice and then analyze why we should do it. The specific process of reverse reasoning is as follows:
1, behavior pay attention to your own behavior, q:
Is my reaction silent or fierce?
2, feel the feeling behind the behavior, q:
What emotions caused me to behave like this?
3. Analyze the thoughts behind your feelings and ask yourself:
What is the idea that produces this emotion?
4 knowledge to find the facts behind the idea, ask:
What is the basis of this idea?
Take what happened in the morning as an example:
1, I really wanted to get angry at that time, but I controlled my anger and turned to silence.
My silence was that I felt very angry and wronged at that time.
This kind of grievance and anger is that cooking early is not cherished, understood and cared for.
4. This idea of not being cherished, understood and cared for is because
He said he didn't think the persimmon scrambled eggs this morning were delicious.
He didn't talk to me about other topics except that the food was not delicious.
In the morning, he said that WeChat sent me a lot of videos, and I was just about to open them. His tone was so firm that he wouldn't let me watch it now.
These are the three facts of the other party's behavior obtained through the four-step method of behavior review, which happened this morning.
But I found that the reason why I felt this way was actually that I made a mistake and thought that I was a victim.
What is the victim's idea? It is this idea that will turn us into innocent victims. The pattern of this idea is: the other party is evil and wrong. I am kind, correct and intelligent. In a word, others always make wrong behaviors, and as a result, we become scapegoats. It was because of this idea that I was in a very unfair state.
The book says: If you want to change the mentality of the victims at that time, you need to ask yourself a question:
Did I deliberately ignore my responsibility on this issue?
If you want to get rid of this emotion, you must change yourself from a victim to a contradictory participant.
Later, when I think about it, I actually ignored three facts:
First: in fact, he just habitually complains that the food is not delicious, and he doesn't really blame me for it. He said it wasn't delicious, but he just honestly expressed his dislike of boiled eggs and persimmons. Maybe I should tolerate his own taste habits. Even if he thinks it's not delicious enough, it doesn't mean he doesn't love me.
Second: In the morning, he told me that the video on WeChat was a knowledge video he found in the middle of the night about how to control sugar healthily. After all, he doesn't care about me at all. I am not allowed to watch it in the morning because he is worried that we will be late for work.
Third: the real trigger for the emotional breakdown afterwards was that he didn't say a word to me after dinner. Later, he explained to me that his habit since childhood was to eat without talking, and he was used to eating without talking at his grandfather's house. And because I had emotional problems before, I magnified the feeling of this silent atmosphere.
Through combing these three facts, I now understand that I was actually biased at that time, although my husband was stupid and straight, and he didn't know how to encourage his daughter-in-law's food or how to deceive people. But through this incident, I also realized how I ignored my own mistakes and exaggerated each other's mistakes.
Most importantly, through today's resumption, I found my habitual victim mentality and let myself escape from many wrong facts in communication. When there is a contradiction, I can choose to expand the contradiction, but in fact, I can also return to rational thinking through behavior review, and have a good communication with my husband.
Finally, I give you a word of encouragement: nothing in the world is good or bad, all because of thoughts.