At that time, Daqiang was the poorest person in our village. His mother was sick and had no property. The only thing I have is a sweet mouth that can coax girls! Despite her parents' opposition, Hong Jie announced in the newspaper that she had divorced her parents and finally got what she wanted.
At first, their husband and wife worked hard together, and finally they had a house and a car, and of course a mistress!
Hong Jie caught her breath for a while and drank the pesticide. Fortunately, she found it early and saved her life, but she could no longer speak! After the divorce, Hong Jie and her son have been depressed, and no one wants to contact them again! Seeing that the woman who used to be competitive was in such pain, I gave her psychological guidance on divorce.
Psychological Guide to Divorce is the work of Sarah Davidson. She is a famous British divorce instructor, a certified divorce instructor of the Centers for Disease Control and Prevention (CDC) and an executive of NLP. She is a divorced person herself. After the divorce, she shifted her work direction to how to help others get out of the divorce haze. She has more than 20 years of guidance experience and witnessed the rebirth of countless divorced people. She understands the feelings of divorce and what to do next.
I have been doing psychological counseling for more than ten years, and the psychological guide to divorce is the most practical book I have found for psychological reconstruction of divorce. Today, let's share the five necessary processes, four key attitudes and three methods of life reconstruction about divorce in the book.
First, the five necessary processes of divorce.
This is the divorce data of China 20 19 that I saw on the Internet. The average divorce rate is as high as 43.55%, and the divorce rate in some areas has actually reached 70%.
Although divorce is more and more common now, it is inevitable that there will be divorced or remarried families around, but I still can't accept this data.
Marriage is a big deal, so is divorce. If you are wrong, it will really hurt your bones, especially if you are divorced. It's like Hong Jie has got a divorce certificate for two years and still can't get out.
I remember more than ten years ago, one of my visitors got divorced. Her ex-husband and San Xiao were happily married and had children, and she was still blaming herself for not being good enough! Later, she finally got up the courage to get out of the shadows and remarried, but the best years of her life have passed.
The high divorce rate inevitably makes people anxious. Maybe something like this will happen to them that day. Instead of living in anxiety, it is better to know what kind of psychological process divorce will go through.
Five Necessary Processes of Divorce
1, denied
Divorced people generally don't believe that this kind of bad luck will happen to them. Just like Hongjie never thought that she would divorce one day after she got married, so her first reaction was to deny it.
People who have seen many emotional dramas will find that many heroines in the drama will be shocked first and then fainted. This behavior is a kind of protection for the body, and they will not listen or watch by fainting. In reality, we seldom faint. More often, our brains are blank, we don't know what to do, and then we desperately deny that it's not true, and neither will our lover.
Reality is just around the corner. No matter how much we don't want to face the reality, love rat and love rat can't wait to break our heads and let us see this annoying reality. At this time, we will enter the second stage of anger.
Step 2 be angry
Anger goes in two directions. On the one hand, our anger is directed at that person. We will abuse, lose control of our emotions, and even want to tear each other to pieces, but more anger is directed at ourselves. This kind of anger will make the parties depressed and attack themselves. Divorced people will fall into doubt about their charm and ability for a long time, and they will feel that they are not good enough to cause problems.
With anger, we will come to the third stage to bargain.
Step 3 bargain
At this time, we are like mental patients. We tried to bargain with fate. We always want to know less about an affair or divorce, but at the same time we want to know more clearly so as to determine what went wrong. Some people will bargain with each other at this stage, so there will be a strange phenomenon that a woman has two husbands, or two men compete for a woman.
At that time, in this chaotic relationship, the focus was not on the end of the emotional relationship, but on not knowing the problems and solutions. Usually, when the problem is not solved, our mood will enter a trough-depression.
4. Depression
At this stage, our mood almost reached the bottom, the sky became gloomy, the food lost its former color and taste, and even the once-convinced life rules began to doubt.
Time has passed like this, crying, getting drunk, scolding, and self-mutilation through depression, but all these will only make the pain in my heart more real. After this step, we finally accepted what happened.
Step 5 accept
At this point, often the parties rarely escape, but begin to face the reality, but the previous stage is jumping. After all, accepting their divorce is tantamount to admitting that you have failed, and this failure is of your own making.
At this stage, many people often start to think about whether to get that paper certificate. Some people leave after dealing with their emotions, while others are forced to leave. No matter what the situation is, the person who finally gets divorced always has to clean up his mood and face the chicken feathers here. A good attitude is very important at this time. So we need to maintain four key attitudes in divorce.
Four key attitudes
1, dare to take responsibility
Marriage is a matter for two people. When things get to this point, everyone needs to take responsibility. You can see your own problems at this time. Whether we want to save our marriage or not, we need to know what happened, which requires a responsible attitude.
In the marriage of public elder sister, everyone will stand on the side of public elder sister and think that the other party is Chen Shimei. But even so, it can't change Chen Shimei's mind and the status quo of public marriage. Sister Hong can only face this problem better if she sees her devotion and bottomless tolerance to each other after marriage. It is also possible that the next marriage will not have the same problem.
Step 2 be awake
Emotions make us out of control, and only when we are awake can we face problems better. At that time, Hong Jie almost lost her life in anger, but this behavior not only made the other party feel that she was unreasonable, but also did not ease their feelings. Even this was later brought to court and became an excuse for the other party to compete for custody of the children.
It is very important to stay awake at this time, especially for families with children. At this time, the mood is stable and sober, which is more conducive to your own judgment and self-protection.
Step 3 regain control
Many times, divorce or derailment is like a train rushing out of the original track, and the parties are easily in a hurry. At this time, it seems that the steering wheel is no longer in my own hands, and I am afraid of everything. At this time, we must regain our sense of control over life.
Do you remember my son jun in my later years? When this kind of bad luck comes, we will all be in a state where we don't know what to do, but we need to control our lives as soon as possible, find a job without a job, and do things that we want to do but haven't done because of marriage, which will make us feel that life is real and we still have a sense of control over it.
4, positive forward
Whether we accept it or not, life always moves forward. Instead of letting yourself fall into the regrets of memories, it is better to look to the future. Try to make a three-year or five-year plan for yourself, find your previous hobbies and stick to it.
Some people say that marriage is like a woman's third life. In my opinion, divorce is like another growth of a woman. It is better to go forward bravely than to waste time. Whether you move forward or not has nothing to do with that person anyway. Your painful heartbreak will not be felt by the other party, and you will even be happy to see you do your best for him! Isn't it silly to make others happy with your own pain?
Three ways to rebuild the sense of life control
It's easier said than done. In order to move on in pain, Sarah Davidson gave three super effective methods that she and thousands of divorced couples have used in the Psychological Guide to Divorce:
1, team up
Divorce, especially divorce, we need a professional team, so as to ensure that we can at least keep our own money while losing "people". You know, when Ma Rong cheated, Wang not only used a lawyer, but also used his own public relations team to do it together. As a result, he also used divorce to promote his new movie.
The main members of the divorce team are lawyers, accountants (you need enough money, otherwise you don't need it), friends and family, tutors or therapists, and fitness partners.
All these people can help you get divorced. Make a list to find these people and explain what kind of help you need. When looking for such people, you must remember to look for people with positive attribution. They will make it easier for you to see the colors in gray.
Step 2 deal with emotions
Divorce is the most important. Anger is likely to make us make wrong judgments, while depression is likely to make us hurt ourselves. Besides, divorce will be like riding a roller coaster. For a while, we will feel that we can bear it, but in a blink of an eye, we will be surrounded by depression. At this time, we need a set of methods to deal with emotions.
I recommend the emotional sandwich method:
The first step is to write down what we are grateful for in life, which will enable us to focus on the positive side even in pain.
The second step is to make a list of negative emotions, write down all the negative emotions you can feel, and let yourself accept and perceive your emotions through naming and writing.
The third step is to choose an emotion from the negative emotion list and let yourself spend 20 seconds focusing on it. This way of facing emotions directly can make us stop avoiding and pretending not to care about negative emotions, and gradually get rid of the control of negative emotions.
The fourth step is to repeat the third step and continue to deal with the next negative emotion. The overall time is no more than ten minutes. Those that have not been dealt with can be put on hold temporarily.
Step 5: Take out your gratitude list and spend at least 20 seconds on each item, so that you can reflect on the things that make you feel good.
Step 6: Positive encouragement. We need some famous words or words that move us to help us become more positive. The Psychological Guide to Divorce gives us four real words:
Step 3 rebuild yourself
After the divorce certificate, apart from the broken home, there is also a broken self. Faced with this painful rebirth, divorced people are easily defeated by themselves. We will use a lot of negative language to describe ourselves, and we will use a lot of anxiety about the future to keep ourselves from going out. We need five steps to improve our present situation.
First list the negative language you often say, such as: I have a problem! I'm not okay! Why does this always happen to me? Why doesn't he love me?
The second step is to replace negative language with positive language, such as: What are the benefits of this at present? What can I do to make it better now? Why am I grateful now?
The third step is to list your own advantages and the third party that others like you.
Step 4: Pay attention to the places that make you anxious in the new environment, new things and new relationships, and try to find the good side from them.
Step 5: focus on the beautiful things you find, do nothing else and immerse yourself in them for 30 seconds.
When we divorced, our inner pain was no less than the death of our loved ones. After all, we have to bury the first half with our own hands, and the other half is not dead yet. Therefore, it is easy for us to fall into the entanglement of the emotional roller coaster in the necessary process. At this time, please take out your notebook, read the steps and continue to manage yourself! Finally, through practice, we can definitely start our new life.