It is such a person that he became a vegetarian.
At noon on July 24th, I went to Wu Xue for lunch with him. He ordered a whole special braised catfish, half a carrot roast beef, half a green vegetable, half a catty of rice and a bag of yogurt.
"I go to A Le! You eat so much! "
He didn't play tricks on me, just bowed his head and ate silently. I know that he has been lovelorn recently and is in a bad mood, so I didn't say anything more. After dinner, we went downstairs with plates, handed them to the aunt on the leftovers table, opened the plastic curtains and went out. The sun at noon was so hot and dazzling that we all forgot to bring our sunglasses. I was just about to ask him if he wanted to buy a cup of coffee and blow the air conditioner in the parking place. He suddenly turned to me and said:
"From now on, I will start to be a vegetarian."
Vegetarian? What's the matter with you, mom? I didn't understand it and didn't ask him much. Judging from his weak and tired expression, I'm afraid I won't say much when I ask him.
The next night, a girl we all know called me. She works in the school's Jade Bird Group. She has just organized an activity for principals from all over the country to come to Beijing for further study. She said that there was an extra table for the dinner in the spoon garden at night, and she didn't move. She packed it for us to take. I ate a big box of homemade fruit and vegetable salad at night, but I couldn't eat it at all, so I asked her to look for it. Hey, hey, you are a vegetarian. Free food delivered to your door depends on whether you want it or not.
After more than ten minutes, I estimated that the girl and Qi had got in touch, so I called the girl again and asked her how she was.
"He said no at first, and then I told him repeatedly that if he didn't want it, he would have to throw it away. It would be a pity to waste it, so he promised to take it. "
Ha ha, sure enough, your boy can't stand the test. The girls' dormitory is close to our building. I went together and came back soon, but my hands were empty.
"Hey, where's the food?" I'm surprised.
"Oh, give it to the director."
All right. It's true. Every two days, our youngest daughter comes to Beijing from Xinjiang. Naturally, we stayed with her the whole time. Having fast food together at noon, he only ordered vegetarian noodles, and everyone happily went to eat Korean barbecue at night, so he simply went back to school.
As time goes by, the spiritual strength accumulated after eating every meal seems to be getting bigger and bigger, just like a silkworm spinning into a pupa, and some intangible things wrapped around him become clearer and clearer.
Things are changing.
With such an interesting thing happening around me, I really want to find out what is going on. The deep truth hidden under the surface of things always has a fatal attraction to me.
Last night, I invited him to talk about chicken wings in Ximen. I planned to have a few beers with him and have a good talk. It's been a week. It is time. I think he would like to tell me.
The boss brought me the menu and I asked him to order first. He only glanced at it, threw it aside, looked me in the eye and said, "You asked me out tonight to ask me why I am a vegetarian?"
"Yes, you won't be reluctant to talk about it."
"I have nothing to tell you. I can tell you that I will sort it out myself." He crossed his hands and rested his forearms on the plastic table. "But you must promise me one thing. Tonight, we don't eat meat or drink beer. Just one bottle. I'll have some. "
"Ok, hurry up." I have no objection.
Qi asked for a boiled edamame, cold kelp, old vinegar peanuts, and a bottle of Qingdao Chunsheng. I will settle the bill when I place an order. Although we ordered very little, the boss didn't look well, and soon all the children's food and wine were served.
"Come, full, I propose a toast to you first. Admire it, it is not easy to say that you are a vegetarian. " I poured two glasses of wine and handed him one.
"Nothing is not easy." He took the glass, took a sip, and then put it down.
This is a signal, I know, with my understanding of him, next, he will start talking.
"You know, I never force myself to do things I don't like. I am a very lazy person. When I was a child, I was told by my parents that I couldn't persist in one thing without perseverance. But what they didn't expect was that there was nothing I wanted to do that I didn't insist on, such as writing calligraphy and saving money, but they asked me to do it. And what I like to do, I never think it is persistence, such as running, such as keeping a diary. Many people ask me how you persist and how you persist. I don't know how to answer them. Because running and keeping a diary have never been necessary for me, they have become an indispensable part of my daily life. "
"But suddenly started to be a vegetarian, it is a bit too strange. Did you start vegetarianism because you like vegetarianism? Doesn't it take perseverance to be a vegetarian? Is there no temptation for you now? " I threw out all the questions I wanted to ask.
"If the simplest answer," he paused a little, chopsticks have been put down, it seems that he is not going to eat anything tonight. "It's true. I like being a vegetarian now. Being a vegetarian doesn't require perseverance. Meat has no temptation for me now. "
"Hey, this is so strange. To make an inappropriate metaphor, will straight men bend for no reason one day? " I hope I can come up with something deeper. "What about the simple answer?"
"I feel very lonely now," Qi said for no reason, then suddenly opened his eyes and looked straight at me and said, "This kind of loneliness is spread from the inside out. Now there is a black hole in my heart, and I must fill it, otherwise, I will be swallowed up by it. You can't help me, my friends can't help me, and neither can my parents. I have to find a way myself. "
"Is it because of that girl?"
"yes." He nodded. "Since I was eighteen, I have been in love for ten years without interruption. Up to now, I am still alone. I feel sad when I think about it. "
Qi is a lover. In the past ten years, love has been the most important thing in his life since he left home to study.
"I have really loved three girls in my life, two long and one short, two years, four years and two months. No matter what kind of girls they are, and whether we are really suitable or not, when I was with them, I decided that I would spend my life with them, but in the end they didn't want me. "
"Emotional things, I really can't say, a few years ago, I also lived as an emotional expert, but recently I have seen more and listened more, and I don't understand more and more. But ah, I think feelings can't escape two words, one is fate and the other is fate. Life is more important than life. " I don't know how to comfort him, or I really don't want to.
"I tell you, before, I have been looking forward to a girl, when I was an illiterate, she accompanied me, accompanied me to grow up. I long for this kind of love, because in this way, she will have the same growing memory as me, and she knows every pain and success I have experienced. Our lives will be closely intertwined, and such feelings are the most sincere, moving and lasting. "
"You have Wen Qing's disease again, haven't you?" I think it's a real friend's job to throw cold water on him at this time to sober him up. "Why do you want to be so romantic about your feelings? Why must a girl grow up with you? Besides, why should a girl grow up with you at her best age? Besides, didn't you have a girl with you for four years? "
"I told you, that was before." After listening to my words, he didn't have any mood swings, but walked calmly. "Yes, there was a girl who accompanied me for four years. In her most precious time, she was 22 to 26 years old. After she wavered for the first time, I told her that I was wrestling with the society, I was competing with the whole outside world for her, and I didn't want her to be taken away by them, so she changed her mind and gave me trust again. But I'm still so useless. I was so naive that I couldn't see the reality at all and finally lost her. "
The night is getting deeper and deeper, but there are more and more people on the open-air table. Most of them are young people, naked, with round stomachs, raising glasses for a change and cheering everywhere. Qi's voice is not high, but I can always hear it clearly. His voice was colder than ever. It is not a lack of emotional temperature, but a kind of purity caused by precipitation to remove impurities.
"Do you know what is the most painful part after being lovelorn?" He asked me. Immediately, the beer in the cup was completely clean, and the white plastic cup was squashed and thrown aside. It seems that he won't drink again after one drink tonight.
"You said."
"Alas, I am obsessed with the memory of the past." He sighed, and finally there was a trace of disappointment in his words. "Every night, when I lie in bed and close my eyes, I can't help but think of the dribs and drabs that I spent with her in the past four years. Those pictures and memories are so clear, just like yesterday. I remember that she was 22, 23, 24, 25 and 26, and I remember what she looked like every year. Her long hair, her short hair, her shorts, her long skirt. She is so vivid in my memory, but in reality, she is a stranger to me and no longer relevant. The girl who once smiled at you, cried at you and slept with you for countless nights has nothing to say since then. It hurts to think about it. Although the tears have already run out, when I think of the past, the pain of deviating from reality will still sting my heart and make me feel chest tightness and shortness of breath. "
Don't know what to say, say "time is the best medicine"? Damn it, how can time be a good medicine? Forget it. Forgetting means betraying the past, either betraying yourself in the past or suffering for a lifetime. How many people will spend their lives with memories of the past? I didn't say anything, just nodded.
"What I understand now is that the most important and difficult part of life is to accept the reality. Only by accepting the reality can we start a new life. No matter how reluctant we are, we always lose, lose our health, lose our relatives and friends, and lose all kinds of opportunities to get a better life. Whenever we lose it, we are always immersed in the memories of the past and unwilling to face the reality. If you live, you can't move on. "
This passage doesn't sound new, but it is unquestionable persuasive when it comes from a man who has just been lovelorn for four years.
"The reality that I have to accept now is that I should spend the rest of my life alone." When Qi said this sentence, he swept away his previous disappointment, and there was a firm force in his words.
"So, your vegetarian diet has something to do with deciding that it is better than living alone?" I tried to ask him.
"yes. But this problem is very complicated, and it may be difficult for me to explain it clearly. I'll try to explain to you. There are many factors that led me to decide to become a vegetarian. Many factors have exerted a subtle influence for a long time, just like the undercurrent in the depths of the ocean pushing the iceberg forward slowly. "
"Icebergs are unknown in the process of moving slowly. It is not until a certain moment that people hit the Titanic that they think of the undercurrent in the depths of the ocean, right? " I often do this and make some self-righteous metaphors.
"Well, about the same. So, when I told you at noon on July 24 that I was going to start being a vegetarian, I was already very clear about this idea. Since then, I have been slowly thinking back and trying to understand why I have such an idea. "
"I want to hear more about it." Sometimes, I am a good listener. I know how to answer the phone at the right time, spice up the conversation and keep the temperature.
"If we regard people as a constant input and output machine, what do you think you input and output every day?"
"I don't quite understand what you mean. Is this metaphor neutral without moral judgment at all, or does it imply moral criticism of using people as tools? " As an academic, of course, I am used to making clear the premises and assumptions.
"Of course, this is a neutral metaphor without moral judgment. In fact, I compare people to machines, mainly emphasizing input and output. Think about it, eating junk food and watching a soap opera without nutrition every day, neither exercising nor working, and the mental and material input is rubbish, with nothing but shit. Such people will only become fat pigs who can't think. "
"You are too extreme. Few people in the world live like this. Just like the office workers in Beijing, the daily input, material level: breakfast is bread milk or steamed stuffed bun soybean milk, noon is fast food lunch, and evening is either a friend dinner or a home-cooked meal; Spiritual level: brush Weibo, catch up with TV series or watch traditional information such as variety shows, newspapers and magazines, covering all aspects of politics, economy and culture. In terms of output, it is mainly work, and what is outside of work varies from person to person. " I followed Qi's train of thought and gave an ordinary example.
"Your example is very good. What I want to say is that I want to go to the other extreme. " The chorus has become deep and still has good penetration in the air full of barbecue smoke. "Materially, I want the least input and the greatest output; Spiritually, I want the biggest input and the biggest output. "
There was a chill at night, and I knew that he had finally said what I wanted to hear most. I said nothing, waiting for him to go on.
"I am 28 years old, I am still studying, I have no job, I have no savings, and I have just lost my most cherished feelings. I can say that I have nothing now. From another angle, I have a healthy body, a stupid head and an excellent learning platform. What I lost was the price I didn't want to pay, but I already paid. How can I be satisfied if I don't get something in return?
I have a strong vitality, so I have too many desires. I am drawn by my own desires, and my time and will are often lost in countless small and inconspicuous traps in daily life, and I have never achieved anything. The first thing I have to do now is to reduce my desire and start with the most basic appetite. It is not difficult to eat the simplest food and give up the pleasure of talking, because while doing this, I am also building bricks and tiles in my heart and slowly building a siege. If I eat more vegetarian food, I will add another brick to my heart. This is a very important defense system for me. I want to keep my willful discontent out of the city and never let him enter my heart again.
I've slept with many girls and made love countless times over the years. Although no girl has stayed with me so far, the happiness of my youth in the past ten years is really enough. At present, the most important thing is to temper yourself. The so-called output is excessive exercise, running to lose weight, throwing away all unnecessary excrement on the meat, leaving only the thinnest and strongest self. Sexual desire, you can find another outlet. In the past month, I have been exercising every day and have no interest in watching porn. I went to wet dream a few days ago, but I didn't expect to go through puberty.
Needless to say, spiritual input and output, as long as you read the most valuable books, read the most valuable papers, write the most valuable articles, and do the most valuable things. You don't have to cling to any girl in your heart, keep company with the greatest soul and wisdom, and grow up slowly in loneliness.
I died yesterday, as I live today. When my heart was empty and there was a black hole that no one could make up for, I made a vegetarian me to accompany me. You know, I am a heartless person, but when a vegetarian me appears, it will not be me yesterday. Of course, I didn't die yesterday, and I'm not reborn today. Whether you are dead or alive, all kinds of life and death in your body can't be completed overnight. Vegetarian me is the first new self I called to protect. From now on, when the time is right, I will summon more new self to accompany me. Even if you are alone, you can become an army alone. I am with countless people I admire and like, and I am no longer lonely. One day, all kinds of old selves will die and all kinds of new selves will be born. On that day, they should be reborn. "
"Ha ha ha, you didn't drink, so you said such a lot of nonsense." I smiled. I understand everything he said, so the topic should be relaxed. "Do you really want to become a vegetarian and never touch girls again in your life?"
"Ha ha ha ha." Qi also laughed: after years of adversity, there is still some tacit understanding. He stood up and looked at the plaque of Simon not far away, no longer looking at me.
"I closed all my materialistic faculties because I still believe in love, or I want to protect myself who believes in love. Older, more experienced, more convinced. From now on, I will wait quietly and concentrate on honing myself. At that time, I will naturally go to see her. This time, I want to be fully prepared. I don't want to lose her after meeting her.
I will be a vegetarian until I meet her, which is my pious sacrifice to wait for her; I will keep her clean physically and mentally, in order to hold her hand and not let go. "
The night is as black as ink, and the silent street lamps shed dim light. The noise of diners is getting lower and lower, and unknown birds flying over the jungle by the lake are ringing for a long time. The wind blows from a distance, blowing into the distance. Generation after generation grows, generation after generation grows old. Time has swept away other people's stories, leaving only ourselves.