Many people will ask, I don't have depression either, or I don't realize that I have any mental illness. Why should I read this book? When you don't realize it, your inner world is quietly affecting your life. Since we came to this world, the world has been full of all kinds of imperfections. These imperfections may cause you some psychological harm, and then these injuries or some bad ideas are quietly hidden in your subconscious mind, affecting your life at the moment. So, just like our bodies, we live in this world, and we may get hurt and get sick at any time. When we accidentally cut our fingers while cutting vegetables, you will find a band-aid. This is a self-healing process, so the reason why I read this set of books is to learn a band-aid that can heal our hearts. Let's be happier, more positive, happier and treat life.
We can also use this band-aid to help and heal friends and family around us.
For example, how do we love and listen?
How to communicate when the other person is emotional?
We can all find a solution from this book.
On the other hand, if someone has a particularly serious mental illness. It can also play a certain healing role, treat mental illness correctly, change some prejudice of seeing a psychiatrist, and let you accept the healing of a psychiatrist better and more naturally. The whole article is based on the number of consultations, each with different contents, and it is divided into ten times.
You can study one by one.
Then Mr toad appeared. He used to be a pretentious toad, but now he has become a particularly sloppy toad with a gloomy face. He suffers from depression, so rats, moles and badgers threaten and seduce each other.
Let Mr. Toad see a psychiatrist, Toad, and please these friends. So I came to see Dr. Heron for counseling.
When Mr. Toad was ready, he waited for Dr. Heron to grow up and preach, but nothing happened after waiting for a long time.
So Mr Toad asked plaintively:
Aren't you going to tell me what to do
Doctor Helen asked:
What is it about?
Do you feel bad?
Can you tell me why you are here?
It turned out that Dr. Heron wanted to let Mr. Toad know that change would only happen when he wanted to change, not to please anyone, so he had to consult. Psychological counseling is a spontaneous process, and both counselors and visitors should be voluntary. Only in this way can they cooperate.
When we heal ourselves and others, we should be an active participant and learner, not an attitude waiting to be taught or a high-profile preacher.
For example, if you want this. Only in this way can you do this. If not, it will definitely become like this in the future. A sentence like this is a didactic, instructive and even imperative way of communication.
We should, like Dr. Heron, give each other the initiative to think and find the answer by rhetoric, guide each other to find the correct answer step by step in this way, and let each other find a way to get rid of the pain through their own efforts.
No one is born a rotten apple, and everyone has the ability to make himself better. Put together, these two sentences are particularly powerful. I hope you can remember these two sentences.
They just give you a set of tools and then give you self-healing or cure others.
At the beginning of the second consultation,
In order to let the toad explore his feelings, the heron named the toad "Emotion".
A thermometer is such a tool to measure your feelings.
Suppose we have a thermometer that can be used to measure how you feel now. The thermometer has a scale of 10, and the lowest scale is 1, which means that you feel very bad and may have suicidal thoughts, and 5 represents the middle.
It means you don't feel too bad, the highest is 10, which means you are very happy. From 1 to 10
Through this, everyone can give a score for their feelings.
The following long article is a process in which Mr. Toad talks about feelings. Dr. Helen asked a question, and then Mr. Toad answered it. Dr Heron asked the question again from Mr Toad's answer. During the whole process, Dr. Heron did not add any personal opinions or comments. This is what we need to learn, that is, when we listen to others, do we always join in, all kinds of our own opinions and ideas, teach each other how to do it, and even add our own subjective emotions, accusations and criticisms after hearing some confidences. Instead of letting the other person find the answer by himself.
The next time came to the third consultation.
At first, he introduced the concept of sub-countries,
The state of children can be divided into natural children and adaptive children.
Suppose you were wronged when you were a child, and you felt particularly wronged, then when you grew up, this feeling of injustice suddenly appeared again, and now it feels particularly like the past, which means that you are in a state of childhood, which is simply the influence of childhood on the present.
This is the state of childhood.
The state of children is established with the remains of our childhood, including all the emotions we experienced as children.
So when it comes to emotions, everyone is born with four basic emotions, happiness and affection, anger, sadness and fear.
Children constructed by these four basic emotions are called natural children.
Childhood has a great influence on us, and exploring childhood memories is the key to understanding ourselves.
This is an exercise,
Think back to your childhood, the past and the first memories, and then see what you can learn from these memories.
What's it like to be an adaptable child?
To make it easier for readers to understand such a short story in the book, imagine three people living on a very small planet, you and two others. Those two men are more than twice as tall as you. You depend on them for everything, not just eating and drinking. You must rely on them to meet your basic emotional needs. They are usually very kind to you, and you respond to them with love, but sometimes they will be angry with you, which makes you feel scared and unhappy. So you feel helpless, you want to escape, but unfortunately you can't escape, so you can only tolerate this situation. Compared with us, they are so powerful that we rely on them completely because there is nowhere to run. The only thing we can do is to get used to their moodiness every time.
To attend the fourth consultation
Toad began to recall his childhood, and he came to a conclusion that his heart was full of anger towards his parents, which turned into his guilt.
These emotions made Mr. Toad very unhappy and sad, so he burst into tears.
Toad, speaking of which, he doesn't like such emotions very much.
Dr Heron replied that if you want to know yourself better, you need to connect with your emotions and understand them. If you deny him, whether by ignoring or suppressing him, the result will be like amputation, just like an important part of your body being cut off, and you will become a disabled person to some extent. However, whether it is a good mood or a bad mood, it is a part of our body, so many people face emotions by fighting or escaping.
Simply put, what is behind understanding emotions? Find the answer by asking yourself.
So how do adaptable children deal with their parents?
There are two main ways for adaptive children to cope with their parents.
Obedience and dependence.
Simply put, they will make all kinds of demands on you. In order to please them, children will try to do what their parents need, saying that it is to please their parents and get good grades, hoping to get their parents' praise and attention.
Because only by obeying them can we avoid stepping on their minefields and prevent them from getting angry.
But at the same time, you need to get the care and attention of your parents. You need to get emotions from them to meet your needs. This is dependence.
Teacher Fan Deng mentioned in the book Intimacy that the relationship between husband and wife is a matter of one person, not both sides, which means that you should be independent emotionally. When you can love yourself and give yourself enough love, you will be happy even if the other person fails to give you more love.
So for most people, the essence of growth is to reduce such dependence.
Only in this way can we become an independent person. Few people can do this, some people can do it partially, and many people will rely on it for a lifetime.
This is a very important ability.
Fifth consultation
Letting children vent their anger is a way to explain the behavior of adults.
If you roll around in anger, this way of venting anger can last for several hours, which is called non-aggressive anger.
Adults may also be sulked by losing a power struggle, and so it is. To put it bluntly, Ou Zhi is a loser who responds to a strong winner.
These behavior patterns will lead to two negative results. 1 will be laughed at. It is funny to see an adult sulking in life, but it is also embarrassing. The more serious consequence is that this behavior tells others that he is a loser.
But this kind of non-aggressive anger can be used. No matter how old people are, they will have negative emotions, such as anger. When we are completely controlled by emotions, then we will lose our minds and make incorrect decisions. I need to suppress my emotions and release them slowly.
Like a pressure cooker, release gas slowly, instead of accumulating to explode like a balloon.
The theme of this chapter is called secret agreement. What kind of agreement is this?
Can you stop criticizing yourself?
Can you be nice to yourself?
The most important question is, can you begin to love yourself?
The only person who can help you do this is yourself, and only you.
The answer is yes, which is what Dr. Heron wants us to do.
We follow our parents since childhood, so as to learn the state of our parents, and it is a very critical state of our parents. In this state.
Love to criticize, be angry, be harsh, and judge yourself or others like a judge.
Therefore, in this consultation, we should stop self-criticism and not be our own judges. How many young people have become their own judges in real life, judging themselves and hurting themselves, such as depravity, self-mutilation and suicide. These are serious self-criticisms.
When we severely punish ourselves, including torturing ourselves, in extreme cases, we may even be sentenced to death, but the problem is that even if we lightly sentence ourselves, this condemnation and punishment may become life imprisonment.
So go back to the questions in the agreement and write down your own answers.
I think this book is the most important. part and parcel
You can. Answer the above questions, and then do these things according to the answers. What the author needs to do most.
Seventh consultation
This leads to a new concept called adulthood.
Being an adult means that we do things in a rational rather than emotional way, which enables us to cope with the reality that is happening at the moment. In this state, we can plan, consider and decide a rational and reasonable form of action. In this state, all our knowledge or skills can be used for ourselves, not driven by the voices of our parents in the past, nor trapped by childhood emotions. On the contrary, we can think about the current situation and decide what to do according to the facts.
If we are influenced by our parents in the early days and blame them, Dr. Heron suggests that we try to reconcile with our parents and forgive them.
Write down five reasons for reconciliation with parents.
Try to seek the love, happiness and time given by your parents from your memory.
Eighth consultation
In the form of talking and listening, the toad tells his childhood story, and the heron asks his own questions according to the content.
Finally, we came to the conclusion that we got rid of our past life and found freedom.
Ninth consultation
Herons divide their views on themselves and others into four coordinates.
I'm fine, and so are you.
I'm fine, you're not.
I don't feel well. Hello.
I'm not good, and neither are you.
How does this coordinate affect us?
Because once we decide which attitude and viewpoint to use in childhood, we will stick to our choice in later life.
These attitudes and viewpoints become the basic structure of our existence.
Since then, we have built a world, constantly confirming and supporting this belief and expectation. In other words, we turned our life into a self-fulfilling prophecy.
Self-proof prophecy, in fact, we often do this in the process of growing up. What is self-certified prophecy? That is, I predict one thing, and then, it may affect me to do things in this fable way, and then eventually lead to the result that my language is correct. For example, learning, including my friends around me think that he is learning material, and then what will he do? He thinks he is not the material to study, so in the process of studying, he may not be so devoted and hard, and then he will get an unsatisfactory result in the exam. Ok, the result is not ideal, or the score is not too high. Verify. I said I was not the material to study. In fact, this state is very common, and there are also friends who like to lose weight. We lose weight more actively. Many people really wish they could lose weight. Then, he may make such an expression verbally, but in fact, he already thinks that I am a fat man. It's hard for me to lose weight, so his action may just be, I shouted a slogan, I want to lose weight from tomorrow, but in fact his action didn't really support him to lose weight, that is to say, he didn't make any efforts, and his weight might not be improved well in the end, and then she verified in turn that I was a fat man.
We need to avoid and change our self-proven predictions and make them positive.
Ninth consultation
The topic of consultation is mainly divided into two topics, indicating whether I am good or not.
I'm not okay. Hello, two coordinates and.
The games they can play.
I'm not okay. Hello, the coordinates of life represent a person's behavior and attitude. Such a person thinks that he is poor and others are better than him. In almost every way. People with this punctuation will enter the state of children.
They are usually in a state of inferiority. They feel that life is not good for themselves, but good for others.
To sum up, people in the coordinates think they are victims of life, so they will play games that will make them victims.
Is to design a self-incriminating prophecy for yourself and say that you are a victim. Some people even try their best to choose to remember those sad and unhappy things and forget or ignore the good times.
Like my unfortunate game.
Poor me.
Love me no matter what I do.
The dangerous results caused by these psychological games will seriously harm your physical and mental health.
The most extreme behavior is suicide, and people at this coordinate are most likely to suffer from depression.
Given this coordinate and this coordinate, the purpose of the fun game is to make those people in this coordinate sum up. People who play these games, stop playing this game. Only when you know what new game you are playing can you stop at this time.
The next coordinate is I am good, but you are not.
Everyone at this coordinate thinks they are better than others.
This kind of game that people usually play will make players angry, or at least make others criticize. People on this psychological coordinate often occupy the commanding heights of power and authority. People on this coordinate usually enter the state of parents and are picky parents.
So they can play their games.
Name's I got you, you bad guy.
Well, for example, an employee made a little mistake and was discovered by his superiors.
Then call the subordinate who made the mistake and give him a good scolding. Make a mountain out of a molehill and yell at subordinates. This game can make angry people find a seemingly legitimate reason to be angry. They will prove that others are fundamentally incompetent and untrustworthy, and then they will take reprimand and punishment as their responsibility.
The next game is
Why do you always disappoint me?
This game is often played with how dare you,
I often use a parenting attitude to say that I am more heartbroken than you, or that I am good for you.
The most extreme behavior on this coordinate.
It was murder.
And people in this coordinate will not turn into depression, because anger can effectively resist depression. Angry people never feel guilty because they always blame others. The way they masturbate is to project their inner fears on others, so that they can vent their anger on others.
These ideas are not used to label, attack and humiliate others, but to understand the way of behavior, especially our own behavior.
Tenth consultation
Start moving to the next coordinate, call me hello or hello coordinates,
What does this coordinate mean?
The coordinates of my life are not static, but a dynamic process. You can't say it. I finally arrived like Mount Everest. If you think you are good and believe that others are good, then you have to express yourself by your behavior and attitude. Of course, this choice can't protect you from rape, and your fate will be destroyed like a stone flying sword. This is an act of spontaneous belief in your heart.
This is also a coordinate that the author wants everyone to be in.
Looking back at the full text, I talked about three States, namely, children's state, parents' state and adults' state, which will bring us into three different perspectives of life. I'm not well. Hello.
I'm fine, you're not. Hello, I'm fine. Each coordinate will lead to its own self-proving prophecy.
It is the final result that we control and let events happen, that is, our behavior.
Our life has a far-reaching impact. I hope you can find more positive ideas and perspectives from the article.