I once quarreled with my husband, and I felt very uncomfortable. I squatted on his head while he was sleeping.

I was going to fart and smell it, but I pulled a pile of shit on his face too hard.

1. A female friend's birthday, the four of us discussed sending her a "Happy Birthday" at 0: 00, each of us sent a word, and I got the second one. As a result, they didn't send it

2. Students go to the toilet between classes, and when they are finished, they find that there is no paper, they can't wait for people, and their mobile phones are in arrears. In despair, he

Call 10086 for help. . . It is said that there was a long silence, and then ... his classmates.

I received such a short message in class: Dear China Mobile User, Hello, who is your classmate?

In the toilet, I want you to bring him toilet paper. Please contact 10086 for details.

3. I got up in the morning and saw a Netease comment. The original is a screenshot.

First floor: Everybody calm down. Come and listen to the fifth floor. ! ~

Second floor: I think the fifth floor is very reasonable.

The third layer: the fifth layer speaks the voice of the people.

Fourth floor: The fifth floor is really nice!

Fifth floor: upstairs are full of idiots.

The dormitory is on the 6th floor. When I climbed up, I found that I didn't have my key. I went downstairs and asked my aunt to get it. Then I climbed up, opened the door and got off.

I went to return the key and climbed up again. I found the door closed. A classmate next door passed by and asked, "Look, your door is open.

I turned it off for you. "…

5. 1955 China's per capita income is 3.2 times that of South Korea and 1. 1 times that of Japan. But after more than 50 years of "turning"

In 2008, China's per capita income was 3% of Japanese and 7% of Korean.

6. My girlfriend said I was too girly at night. I was angry, so I quarreled with her. I wanted to be a man.

A little more human, and finally I couldn't help crying.

7. A buddy got up the courage to express his deep feelings to MM on QQ, and MM later replied: I am her mother, and I am.

To steal food.

I have nothing to do in the morning. I looked at the company's homepage and saw that there were new recruitment contents on it. I ordered when I was bored.

To my dismay, I found my posts impressively listed. ...

9. Beifeng's classmates took a fancy to a mother-daughter combination. This girl is so good, after the excitement.

Intense ideological struggle, Beifeng students followed them all the way to the parking lot, and finally moved.

Beifeng: Hello, Aunt!

Mom: Hmm. ...

Beifeng: Well, I want to know your daughter.

Mom: She is my daughter-in-law ~

The north wind fainted on the spot, and the girl blushed, but her mother was very open-minded: "Young man, you have a lot of courage, hehe ..."

Then the mother-in-law drove away.

10. A big brother in the dormitory said one day who is this wma? He sang many songs in my MP3.

1 1. The teacher called the roll in class: "Liu Hua!" As a result, the following children shouted back: "Yeah!" old

The teacher was very angry: "Why didn't you say' here'?" The child said, "That word is pronounced' yeah' ...".

12. On this day, I suddenly found out that I have a big aunt, a second aunt, a fourth aunt and a fifth aunt, but I don't have a third aunt. So I went.

Ask my dad: Why don't I have a third aunt? I also thought for a moment: Did Third Aunt die when she was young?

Is it? My dad said: your third aunt is your mother!

13. I want to play a joke on my boyfriend and pretend to find a pair of ladies' underwear (actually mine) under his bed.

), and then questioned him, Li refused to admit it, but he didn't expect to hug me under my pressure later.

Began to admit mistakes.

15. The man was away on business and suddenly went home. He heard the man snoring at the door and the man was silent.

Go away and send a message to your wife: divorce.

Three years later, his wife told him that he was a little lion rising in Ran Ran!

16. Once the bell rings, everyone must go home. When I went down the stairs, my left foot stepped on my right foot, and there was a bang.

The ground fell in the middle of the road in a big shape .. I thought at that time: no way, it's too embarrassing, I pretend to be dizzy.

As a result, the classmates next to me looked at me motionless, quickly helped me up, and then began to slap me in the face.

light ...

17. A classmate, his computer will automatically turn on every morning (probably because the dormitory calls in the morning).

Was washed away in an instant).

As a result, his old man took a symbol and posted it on the computer. . .

18. Dad hates foreign singers. But one day, when I was watching Michael Jackson's MTV,

I was surprised to find my father standing behind with a thoughtful expression. "Dad, do you like this, too?"

Dad shook his head: "Mao Amin is really getting ugly."

1. A delegation came to visit our school. When leaving, a group of 20 people stood at the school gate and took photos as a souvenir. I happened to pass by.

One of the delegations said to me with a camera, "Little brother, let's take a picture."

I was so happy that I ran to stand next to the 20th person, waiting to say "eggplant".

Everyone is sweating!

2. A buddy wore a T-shirt with a big head of Che Guevara, which was very popular. To take a bus, a child and her mother stood opposite. The children saw his T-shirt and said to their mother, Mom, look at Grandpa KFC. . . That guy was struck by lightning. . . What my mother said later was even more thunder: son, that's not grandpa KFC, that's uncle Lei Feng. . .

Chatting with my boyfriend, speaking of rising, my saliva splashed all over his face. Then instinctively wipe it off by hand. I was a little embarrassed, but I deliberately shifted my focus and pretended to be angry: "What? Don't like me, "he said with a gentleman's smile. "No, wipe it evenly!"

4. Fried Fat Rabbit v. 13: 19:03

In the past, the school said that it was necessary to have a physical examination ~

Want stool for laboratory testing,

Fat rabbit with sauce flavor v.13:19:17.

Then everyone takes a little ~

Ф Cat Purple 13: 19: 15

then

Fat rabbit with sauce flavor v.13:19: 41.

That alumnus is packed in Chow Tai Fook's bag and box.

Ф Ф Cat Purple 13: 19:32

- -

Fat rabbit with sauce v. 13:20:02

Then I walked halfway ~ I was robbed by a motorcycle driver.

5. A girlfriend, with very small breasts, we bury her every day. One day, this man finally couldn't bear it. He shouted at us: "My chest is small, so I will follow my father, whatever!"

6. I took my family to swim on the beach in Jinshan City today, mainly to play with the children in the sand.

In the process of piling sand, the lifeguard (commander) on the distant high platform shouted with a megaphone: Parents with children should pay attention, please take good care of their children, especially those with their own children and other people's wives, please don't leave them aside, I can see that!

7. There will be several classes in the university in large classes together, and there will be one or two hundred people sitting in the oversized ladder classroom. This class has everything in the back except the first three rows. If the first class in the morning is a big class, people often bring breakfast in, such as soybean milk buns and fried dough sticks. The teacher just turned a blind eye. But then breakfast was strictly forbidden in class, because a buddy brought in a bowl of wonton. ...

The huge classroom was unusually quiet, and everyone was silent together with the diffuse smell of wonton and the sucking sound of brothers struggling to eat wonton.

8. Speaking of the self-study that night, the class will be over soon. I was addicted to smoking, so I went to the bathroom to smoke. I usually smoke when I take a shit at school. I went into the toilet, put the last cigarette in my mouth, then went into a squatting position, took off my pants, squatted down, lit a fire, and did it in one go. At this moment, my phone rang, and I subconsciously buried my head … My last cigarette was directly inserted into camel excrement in the cesspit … I saw that there was no one around, so I picked it up from the excrement. Fortunately, I only dipped a little poop in the front and pinched it off. So I took out my mobile phone, and when I saw it belonged to one of my buddies, I chatted with him. Then ... I subconsciously put the cigarette in my mouth ... it was the one with shit on it ... I stood up in an instant ... I had something to say ... I rushed to the faucet ... I washed my mouth ... and found that I didn't wipe my ass ... I was shocked.

9. Once, a buddy invited some of our friends to his uncle's restaurant for their birthdays. The atmosphere was good, and they all drank a lot of beer. I was in a hurry to find the toilet. I looked around, but I didn't find the toilet in the shop, so I asked the buddy. The buddy said that the store is small, the toilet is built outside the store, and you go out to the right. I ran as he said, but I didn't see the toilet. The door is closed. I ran back to him and said, "Where is the toilet? It's just a small warehouse and the door is still locked. " That buddy was drunk, too, and said loudly, "That's the warehouse. It's locked. If you kick it open, I'll be responsible for the door." After listening to his words, driven by alcohol and urgency, I ran to the warehouse, more than 0 meters away from the warehouse 10.

10. A program of local TV station. The host is talking to a 4-year-old child.

Compere: What's your name, Tongue?

Child: x Xiaoyu

Compere: Is it called small fish pinching shrimp?

Child: It snowed the day I was born.

Compere: Then why isn't shrimp called Xiaoxue Pinch?

Child: Is your old man's name Xiaoxue? !

Moderator: ...

1 1. In junior high school, I had two girlfriends. One day, after playing the game, it was late and the three of them walked home. There is no one on the road. I walked in front with one of them and talked about our achievements just now. Chatting and chatting, I suddenly felt that there was one person missing. Looking back, we saw the dim lights on the road. At first glance, no one. Our backs are cold and we have to bite the bullet. It turns out that our buddy fell into the drainage well. We called his name in BH, but he didn't answer again. In order to make sure someone was there, my classmate threw a broken brick in and heard screams. We confirmed that it was his. ...

12. Colleagues asked deeply: How many days did you say you would go abroad for a holiday on 1 1 month/day?

13

I have a female colleague,

My name is Li Rui,

There is a male colleague,

The name is Li. ...

14. In winter, I eat hot pot with my classmates. After eating, I'll come out first and wait for the students behind me. I pick my teeth according to the black glass of the off-road vehicle, and then apply lip balm ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~

I finished fixing my hair, the window rolled down and a group of people looked at me in the car. A macho man's face was close to mine and said, Little Sister, have you finished filming? We are driving!

15. When I first went to college, because our place was messy, some friends in the dormitory went to the market to buy knives and put them in the dormitory for self-defense. I passed a bank when I bought it back, just in time for others to get off work and put boxes of money on the cash truck. We wondered not to let the escort get the wrong idea, so we asked a buddy to hide the knife in his clothes, and the boy came to the escort with a gun. Later, we left silently, afraid to pick a knife. . .

16. triboelectricity, a middle school physics teacher, said: We take off our sweaters in winter. The sweater creaked. And lightning. But not in summer. Why?

Boy in the back: Because I don't wear sweaters in summer.

17. My friend was drunk once. According to civilized language, he was in the toilet, holding the phone in his right hand and pressing his left hand in the mirror, looking at the "prisoner" in the mirror affectionately: Did you eat well? Has the prison been strictly controlled recently? Leave as soon as possible ...

18. I saw an article in a forum today, which contained two sentences: "I have been lying on the beach for three and a half years, and today the waves beat me over." I think this is a warning motto and a good word in life, so I changed this sentence to MSN's signature. In the evening, I suddenly received a phone call from my friend mm asking where my signature came from, so I told MM that "life should be like this, and it needs patience and perseverance", MM.

19. My parents were not at home last night, so I had to cook and stir-fry by myself. After pouring the oil into the pot, I heard the phone ringing in the bedroom, ran back to the bedroom with my mobile phone, and walked to the kitchen while talking on the phone. When I got to the kitchen, I saw the oil boiling and spilled everywhere. When I got excited, I threw my mobile phone in the pot. ...

20. Some buses in Hangzhou are relatively high-end, so the glass is rather stuffy. It says: break the glass in an emergency.

The temperature has risen these days, and the bus is hot, and there are many people on the bus. The most depressing thing is not knowing that the immoral guy put a silent fart in the car. . . Later, the glass broke. . .

2 1. One night, when my parents came back from playing mahjong, I woke up when they came home, but I was still confused.

Suddenly my leg cramps died (I think it is very long), and then I jumped out of bed. At that time, my consciousness was very vague, and I just wanted to take two steps to suppress the feeling of cramp.

As a result, I took two steps and felt that I could not persist any longer. I plopped down on my knees in front of my father and gave him a fright.

Kneeling down, I felt no cramps, then stood up silently and turned back to my room to sleep.

There was not a word in the whole process. I guess my father was petrified at that time.

I remember going to the swimming pool with my parents once. Just entering the gate, I saw a social youth with a tattoo, a shaved head and a big gold chain around his neck! When we got into the water to get used to the temperature, we watched the brother swagger past a stop point in the water, and lightning happened. . . The thick gold chain around his neck floated on the water. . . . .

On July 22, 2009, I met a buddy on a BBS and said, "TMD, the solar eclipse was in the daytime, which made me wait all night."

24. The last time I watched a CCTV program, I couldn't remember the name, but I remember that at the beginning, a reporter asked a person at the train station, "Are you happy?" Ask everyone, some people say happiness, some people say unhappiness, and then ask a farmer. .....

Reporter: "Are you happy?"

The farmer looked at the reporter a few times and said innocently

"My surname is Wang."

25. I perform plays at school. Before my monologue, I noticed some girls changing clothes backstage-so my little brother was excited. This play is Superstar of Jesus Christ, and I play Jesus. I only wear a few pieces of cloth. As a result, all the audience saw that Jesus was shamefully hard when he was crucified.

26. Punching in the bus is usually a beep.

There is also a student card, the voice is "di, student card" ..

One of our classmates, a woman, rushed to take the bus, but she didn't bring any money. The bus came in a hurry. ..

I lined up to get on the bus as normal as everyone else. When she punched in, she took the school student ID card and waved it in front of the machine. She said "Hey, student card" in Mandarin. She walked away in style.

The bus driver was cheated on the spot, and after a few seconds ... the bus started slowly ... no one wanted to say anything more. .....

27. Sesame in Korea is very, very expensive. A friend with a stick always brings back ten kilograms of sesame seeds every time he comes to China.

Asked why he didn't bring more, he said that bringing more was smuggling. ....

28. The head teacher in junior high school likes to pick his nose. Once in self-study, the teacher came in to see if our homework was done well. After a visit, he became interested in my neighbor's homework. While sticking out your head to watch him do the problem, don't forget to pick your nose with your hand. Just listen to "pa", the teacher's booger fell on the neighbor's exercise book! At this time, the teacher should also be embarrassed to stand there and not know what to say. At this time, something terrible happened: I saw my neighbor slowly raise his head, look at the teacher and say, thank you, Long En!

29. For the computer test, wait in the preparation area first, and then enter the test area through a big glass door. After I finished the exam, I touched the door for a long time, but I couldn't touch the glass. The kind teacher next to me reminded me: "classmate, the door is open." …………

The pretty boy on the dance floor ran away with his daughter-in-law who had been married for five years.

Fighting for friends, detention 15 days, I will pay the medical expenses alone after I come out.

The subordinate resigned after taking power.

The room is gone. Renting a house is haunted every night. This wall is too thin. Listening to the name C next door every night, the voice is still male.

I bought a chihuahua and kept it for two months. It turned out to be a husky.

I photographed a girl online, and I knew she was divorced as soon as I met her. Her son is one year younger than me, and now he chases me every day, saying that he left for me. I will be there. You didn't know me until two years after your divorce. You still have to say it's a woman's hunch.

I got drunk at night and went to 19 12. When I woke up, I saw a man in the hotel. I still don't know whether to let him give it to me. ...

Doby's dog, let it sit, roll, roll and stand upside down.

Chew clothes when you are hungry, never eat dog food, and steal garlic from the refrigerator when you sleep at night.

I said, are you a dog or not? I dragged you into the street. I want to talk to a girl through you, so that you will shit behind the old lady's ass when you see a beautiful woman touching you. You said you were bt.

I felt terrible the day I sent you away, but what about you? When you met my friend, you met your father. Yes, you rolled around.

If I were not a dog, I would really throw you into the hot pot to eat.

I want to lose weight. I am hungry every day. One day, I couldn't help it. I bought 7 Jin of persimmons and ate them.

I spent 8 yuan to buy a yoga CD, practiced for 4 days and broke my neck. Now my shoulders are not the same height. When women see me, they call me smelly bt.

I wanted to be romantic at night, so I made myself a candlelight dinner and set the quilt on fire. My mother thought I was lovelorn and wanted to burn, so she sent me to a psychological hospital for 2 days.

It's really lonely. I spent 1.50 yuan bought a goldfish with big eyes and stood still in the water after buying it. I always thought it was dead. One day, when I finished urinating, I threw it into the toilet. This grandson swims in the urine, which is called a pleasure. I really can't bear to flush it into the toilet and take it out of the urine. As a result, my hands began to peel off, and I haven't recovered yet.

Eat fried cakes, beer covers, wonton and toenails. I was caught in the door when I was on the bus, and I beat the flies and beat the nails. I didn't go up when I bought the stock. When you go to Baiyunguan to burn incense, you can't get a merit box on your mobile phone.

When I went out, a monk said that I was either rich or expensive, and now I have gone back on my word. As soon as I was happy, I spent 570 yuan to buy him a jade amulet to keep in my mouth every day. One day, my buddy came and said that my tongue was blue. I took out the jade and saw that it was a big glass. My buddy said, have you ever seen a monk in a Taoist temple? I think so too. Grandson, if you lie to me, you lie to me, and you have to let me hold you every fucking day. Now when I stick out my tongue, people think I'm fucking bored. You said that girl could talk to me.

Have nightmares every day, either being killed or being given J by animals.

I want to watch TV at home honestly. There is 10 "struggle" on tm. Several beautiful women were surrounded by a man named Lu Tao. They loved each other to death. TM has a big house, a beautiful girl and a billionaire dad. When I arrived, you said, that's not what I want

That's how people my age live. Change the stage: Another Xu Sanduo clamoring for something meaningful every day. Yesterday, I was still in a bad mood Today I'm going to Myanmar to smash drug dealers. Is it possible? Sanduo, let me tell you, my name is Wang Daji, and I'm from the Iron Girl Group. Can you believe it? I really want to smash the TV.

I went to the alumni book and found two people to eat the rest of the girls. All the girls in my primary school were married, and I was added to the middle school college class. As a result, I was not allowed to pass, saying that I was a bad teenager in school. I ran away with three damn photos.

This is my private treasure, you know! Hope to adopt.