Let's recall that when a child was born, you looked at the baby in your arms. Did you have any requirements for him at that time? Many parents may say no. As long as the child is healthy and happy, I can do whatever I want, so there is basically no requirement for the child. He doesn't need to be a doctor, a scientist, a great man or a star. As long as the child is healthy and happy, I have nothing to ask of him. This is a newborn baby, which is what his parents expect of him.
But later, as the children grow up, you will find that. The child is beginning to be naughty, and everything he starts to do gives you a headache. Even when you see him, you think he is a demon, which makes you angry. At this time, all parents will say, alas, this child is getting more and more naughty. In fact, it's not that children don't study well at all. Mainly because as parents, we still look at our children with the eyes of a little baby. In other words, the child has grown up, but we are not ready for the fact that the child has grown up. So we still hope that they can stay in our arms as before, do whatever you tell them to do, sleep when you tell them to, and listen to whatever you say. The problem is that children can't get any older. Children will appear in one way or another during their growth. We call it bad behavior, which is what parents usually call bad behavior habits. So is it necessary to correct bad behavior habits?
First of all, I'll tell you one thing: everyone must have made mistakes when he was young. I said who didn't make mistakes when he was young, and no one would raise their hands. You and I both made mistakes when we were young. Therefore, as individuals, we must admit our limitations and make mistakes so that we can learn from them. There is no one who has never made a mistake since childhood.
Many family members said that since the teacher said that we all made mistakes from childhood and learned from them, we should let our children make mistakes according to the law of natural growth, but we can't say that. Why? Because mistakes actually reflect some problems of children.
1948, the World Health Organization Charter gives the definition of this child's health. Our definition of health in China is that the most important thing is to enjoy your health and not get sick. This is called health. The World Health Organization defines health as:
Physically, mentally, that is, psychologically, there is still a state of sound social adaptability. In other words, except that the body is not sick, the child's psychology is relatively healthy and the social adaptability is complete. This person can be called healthy.
Many people, especially the elderly, are very happy because of their different backgrounds and concepts. At that time, they were short of materials and could eat enough.
Children's mental health and social adaptability are internal causes, while external symptoms are consequences, that is, children's bad behavior. For example, if you have a high fever and your face is flushed, this symptom is manifested in what you can see externally. But inside, what caused the fever? This is something we can't see.
Our parents often have two misunderstandings when dealing with their children's bad behavior. The first misunderstanding is called the psychological and social reasons behind children who are rarely touched. Let me give you a simple example. Just say you have a fever and go to the hospital.
You said I had a fever, and they measured 39.8 degrees. Did the doctor just prescribe you an antipyretic? What do you mean, antipyretics can only cure your fever, but the question is, is your fever infected by mycoplasma, virus, bacteria or which organ of your body is infected? Aren't you going to check it? Is it useful to take antipyretics directly? After taking antipyretics, the fever has obviously gone down, but does it mean that you are better? If any organ of your body is inflamed, will you continue to burn after the antipyretic is over?
Therefore, many parents and children directly tell their children not to hit people when they hit people; When children curse, parents say you should not curse; When children don't cooperate when they procrastinate, parents are angry and say you don't procrastinate. This is not an antipyretic. What is this?
Parents must know that the child's behavior is a sign of his bad behavior, because he already has problems in his heart. This is the signal from the child. I have a problem. Many parents think that their children are against themselves. He is obviously sending you a distress signal, but parents think. He was against you. He was your sworn enemy, so you killed him. Many parents will make such mistakes, which will lead to more serious psychological problems for most of our children. In 20 18 years, the number of people receiving psychotherapy and counseling in China was about1700,000.
You know, there is something hidden behind the child's behavior. If you only stare at this symptom of the child, it is his behavior, and you can never help the child.
Let me give you a simple example: a parent said that his child went to kindergarten well, and suddenly one day he stopped going, and then he went home and said to his mother, "Mom, I will never go to kindergarten again." The mother was very anxious and did ideological work with her children for more than two hours. The more she does this, the more the child collapses. It really collapses. This parent just sent me a message, "Teacher, how can I guide him?"
I said, "Do you know how expressive language is when your child reaches this age?" Let me give you an example. You've seen two three-year-olds fight and tell each other I killed you. Do children really want to kill each other? Remember, they are not. The child wants to express "I am angry". He's not trying to kill each other. Although his speech is not good, the child expressed this emotion. It seems that two children will say "I will never play with you again, never play with you again" after they scold and fight. As a result, within ten minutes, the two children were playing together again. Why? Because the child is expressing "I am angry" instead of never playing with you again, see? There are some emotions hidden behind many things expressed by children around the age of three. I told him that your child said that I never wanted to go to kindergarten again. In fact, his problem is that she encountered difficulties, setbacks and sad things in kindergarten. Mom, please help me. As a result, his mother spent two hours communicating with him about the importance of going to kindergarten. Do you think that child won't collapse? Therefore, this is a very important first misunderstanding, which is called treating the headache and treating the foot pain. I hope parents can learn something. When observing things and children's behaviors, we can see the thoughts, feelings and values behind children's behaviors with perspective eyes.
Then the second misunderstanding, many parents think that when children have bad behavior, language criticism or abuse is helping their children, which is a very big mistake. I have met many parents, especially my father, who share their parenting ideas.
Then most fathers told me that children must fight, and there is not a child who has not played and can learn well. Remember that beating always hurts, always hurts, and has no effect on children's growth. The child accepted too many negative things,
When I grow up, I will be a person with psychological problems, ranging from inferiority complex, ingratiating personality, depression and anxiety, to serious tendency of violence and antisocial personality. I hope that when my child is in danger or encounters violence against her, his first thought is to protect her parents, not her father, and my mother's first thought is that they want to violence me.
When I was doing criminal psychology research last year, I saw a case in which 90% bullied other children at school. 95% of these bad children and bullied and abused children had domestic violence. Children who bully others have domestic violence at home, and children who are bullied also have domestic violence at home, so why don't these beaten children answer back? Why? This is because children are scolded and beaten at home, so they are beaten and scolded at school. He thinks it is right. You see, my parents beat me, and it's normal for my classmates to beat me.
The next step is basically some common bad behaviors of children around the age of three or five, and it is also a bad behavior that makes parents relatively headache.
First of all, the first kind of bad behavior, its name is children crying and losing their temper. This is a very common thing, so almost all parents will encounter this problem, that is, children cry easily and parents have a headache, so today we will analyze the reasons and what we can do. Children like to lose their temper and cry. This is called a symptom, which means they have a fever. You can't just give them antipyretics and tell them not to cry. It's useless. So at this time, it is necessary to analyze how many possibilities are behind the performance of children crying. Is he infected with mycoplasma, bacteria, viruses or organs? Let's analyze here. There are several kinds of crying. The first one is called threatening crying, the second one is called sad crying or afraid of crying, the third one is called attracting parents' attention to cry, and the fourth one is poor language ability and can't express crying. Then let's see how to deal with different crying.
First of all, the first type of crying is threatening to cry. What do you mean by threatening to cry? It is easy to judge that when a child tries to control your behavior or gain some privilege by crying, he is threatening to cry. There are many common examples. For example, when a child goes outside and says he wants to buy a piece of chocolate, you tell him that he can't buy chocolate today, and your tooth is broken. Then she rolled on the floor of the supermarket and began to cry. This is a typical threat to cry and make you feel embarrassed to buy it.
Including at home, it's almost time to watch TV or play mobile phone. You said you couldn't play. If the mobile phone is confiscated, the child will cry, lose his temper and smash things. This is also called threatening to cry. What about threatening to cry? First of all, you should judge for whom your child is crying. Everyone must remember to stick to their own views. For example, if a child watches TV for half an hour and his eyes turn red, he starts to cry as soon as you turn off the TV. At this time, you must stick to your point of view and never turn on the TV just because you cry, because children learn through causality. At this time, the child knows that this trick is easy to use. Next time he doesn't have to think about it, he will threaten you with crying. You taught him.
Then there are parents who do this. They scold their children, "Why are you crying? Don't look into your eyes. How many times have I told you, are you still making trouble? What kind of attitude is this? You are shameless. " It's particularly ugly to scold them. Feeling a little too much, I gave them my mobile phone. These are all wrong.
What we should do is not abuse and blame, because it will destroy the parent-child relationship between the child and you, because when the child really wants to watch TV or loses control of his emotions, he finds that you are an ugly face, attacking her, abusing him, accusing him and hurting him.
So he will come to the conclusion that this woman does not love me. Here is a correct way for everyone. Then the next time you see a child threatening to cry, please look at the child's behavior with your eyes and divide it into two latitudes, emotion and behavior. What is emotion? For example, you are not good at talking. I said I had to drag you to the stage to give a speech later. You told me you were particularly scared. Are you right or wrong? Or are you scared to death to see a mouse on the ground? Are you right or wrong to be afraid of mice? Everyone didn't find that feelings are right or wrong. Emotion is a physiological reaction of you and me, so there is right and wrong, and emotion is acceptable.
But there are limits to behavior. After the child's mood is relieved, you tell the child not to do anything, but to make up an ABCD that can't do this but can do other things. We can't always tell our children not to do this, not to do this, not to do this. Besides telling children what not to do, we should also give them alternative methods.
Then, the second kind is called sadness or fear of crying. What is sad crying? For example, a child misses his mother or his beloved toy is broken. It's called misery. What is fear of crying? For example, going to the hospital for an injection, a child leaving his mother to go to kindergarten by himself, or seeing a stranger rob him of something are all afraid of crying. Sadness and fear of crying are also common. At this time, parents should never encourage your child not to cry. People who don't cry are not strong, and people who don't cry are depressed.
Children whose emotions can be accepted will be strong when they grow up, because they are rich in psychological nutrition, so they have been suppressed for a long time when they were young. For example, some boys are less than three years old. As soon as the child cried, the father began to scold, "Man, what are you crying for?" This person has not yet become a man, and can only become a man after puberty, so early children are all the same, needing comfort and security. Once parents look down on their children crying, they will deny him or her. According to the survey, about 25% children suffer from different degrees of depression. Most parents are depressed and don't allow their children to express their emotions. If you don't want to ruin the child, don't suppress the child's emotions. If the child is sad or afraid to cry, don't laugh at first. Because for us adults, sometimes children may do some stupid things to make themselves sad, afraid or hurt, which looks funny, but because of their limited ability, children are very painful and uncomfortable inside, so parents' expressions must not be joking. Don't think that you are smiling all the time, and the children you cultivate are optimistic. When he is sad, you are smiling. He is very miserable and lonely, so you must remember that your expression should be consistent with the child's. Your child is sad, and your expression also shows that you are sorry for your child. This is the right way.
Being sad and being afraid of crying are two different things. The first is to comfort and encourage children to tell the bad things they have just experienced. The second is a hug. You say 100 sentence, it is better to hug. Physical contact can directly express love and comfort. Your expression should be with the child. Don't have redundant expressions. At this time, the way to comfort is to tell the child's emotions, tell what happened, tell how sad she is, and then hug your child tightly. When your child's emotions are vented, he will immediately resume a very healthy behavior. This is the right thing to do. The third way is to attract parents' attention and cry. If a child cries or loses his temper to attract parents' attention, the first thing we do is not to communicate with the child. First, we should reflect on ourselves. Is it that the quality of our time with our children is not high? Do I have to hold my cell phone all the time with my children? Do you really don't know how to get along with such a big child with high quality? There is also a crying that is naturally sensitive. This kind of child is born with sensitive brains and nerves, including organs. Their senses are more sensitive than ordinary people, but they have more needs for the outside world, so these naturally sensitive children. From the perspective of psychological research, it can be said that he is a genius, but if these geniuses can't find suitable parents, they often feel melodramatic, vulnerable, looking for trouble, provoking, and torturing these children from childhood to adulthood. These children will have a very tragic fate when they grow up. Of course, if children meet a pair of parents who know each other very well, they are very patient, very caring and very sure to trust their children often, such children will grow up well.
There is also a cry that does not express crying. Many children can't keep up with the words expressed in language, most of them do. The development of human language has always been complementary to the development of human thinking. Therefore, language development is a relatively backward ability, so children under five basically don't have much language ability to express their feelings and needs very clearly. Not to mention children under three years old.
To sum up, the first point is that parents need to be able to judge why their children cry behind their backs. When children cry, they shouldn't think they are crying. They need to judge what kind of crying they are, and then deal with different reasons for crying in different ways. Never use the wrong method, it will only add fuel to the fire.
Second, no matter whether the child cries rationally or not, the emotions behind crying should be accepted. Because there is no right or wrong emotion, what should be right or wrong is the child's behavior. For the wrong behavior, children must not be allowed to do it. Be sure to give him a certain limit so as not to spoil a bear Haizi. Then the motivation for children to change for the better is to feel the love and support of their parents, not to beat and scold.