My friend Wei lives in a community with her husband's family, but they are not in the same building. Close at hand and not under the same roof, the so-called "distance of a bowl of soup" can take care of each other. Be envied by many people.
Wei also has troubles. My husband has a spare key at home. First, if you are afraid of forgetting to bring your key, you can take it at any time, without bothering the company to unlock it. Second, life is convenient. What annoys my parents-in-law is that they often take the key to open the door when they know that the young couple are at home. I really don't treat the young couple as outsiders, but my son's home is also my home.
At 6 o'clock in the morning, before the young couple got up, the mother-in-law pushed the door and came in, which was very noisy. It turns out that she just went to the morning market to buy food and deliver takeout. Wei woke up suddenly and felt that he had had a nightmare.
Summer is hot and dry. After dinner, Wei only wore a small halter top and hung around at home. Suddenly, she heard the door lock. She fled into the bedroom at lightning speed ... My father-in-law came in and said that she had taken the express delivery at the residential property and delivered it.
Wei hurriedly found a skirt in the bedroom, put on a T-shirt and waited until her father-in-law left. A face of black line, she told her husband:
Can you talk to your parents? Knock at the door when we are at home, don't bring the key!
It's not the first time Wei complained about her parents-in-law going in and out of her small home. Although her in-laws are really good to her, it is this little thing that makes her feel uncomfortable and even annoyed.
She doesn't want to communicate directly with her in-laws for fear of breaking the old man's heart. I am afraid that my husband will fall into the stigma of "marrying my daughter-in-law and forgetting my mother". I forgot what happened. Once my mother-in-law said to her son, what is yours and mine? Even you were born to me!
What Wei can't stand is that his parents come to live at home and his in-laws know that they are coming. On this day, Wei got off work. After breakfast, she is discussing shopping with her parents. Her mother-in-law pushed open the entrance door and came in-the atmosphere seemed frozen and embarrassed.
After her mother-in-law left, Wei quickly explained to her parents: "She is like this. I am also embarrassed to say her. " You know, in her own home, Wei has her own room. If she closes the door of the room, her parents will ask her to knock.
Mother-in-law is a housewife from a traditional family. She regards her only son as "property", and even her son's small family and daughter-in-law may "be her own". After all, buying a house is also out of money. Wei sometimes envies his colleagues in different places. She only meets the older generation on holidays. In the eyes of the old man, she thinks that "distance produces beauty" is just like "cantaloupe".
As elders, when children grow up and become independent, they should keep a proper distance and respect each other's boundaries, so as to get along more harmoniously and happily. Many families can't handle the "relationship between mother-in-law and daughter-in-law" well, which may be because they cross some boundaries and put each other in an uncomfortable area under the banner of "love, care and be good to you".
The first time I felt the word "boundary" and understood it was many years ago, when I attended the NLP Li Zhongying course in Suzhou.
During the break, I have a confused question to ask the teacher, but I don't want to stand up and ask it in public. Just thinking about asking questions after class, just like when I was a student. Stop the teacher from asking questions after class. It seems that the teacher still likes such students. Although I don't ask questions myself.
During the break, I got up the courage to go to the podium and said, Hello, Miss Li, I want to ask you a question.
I am not a person who is willing to disturb others by nature. I think it is more polite to talk like this. Teacher Li is holding a teacup in his hand, and his deep big eyes seem to be able to see through everything and stare at me. Seriously, it's my turn to rest. I respect boundaries.
I blushed and immediately apologized: I'm sorry!
This is just a conversation between two people. Although I blushed, I seemed to be rejected by people thousands of miles away. On that podium, I learned a very important thing in life-getting along with people and knowing how to respect boundaries.
After class that day, Miss Li deliberately set aside time for students to ask questions. I didn't stand up and ask the teacher the question I wanted to ask before. Because I don't want my problems to be exposed to the public, I also have judgments and boundaries in my heart.
Some time ago, I saw a post about education, one of which was "Don't ask questions that Baidu can learn", which is actually a concrete embodiment of "Don't disturb others casually". Of course, the "Baidu will die" triggered by the Wei Zexi incident is a digression.
I once had a popular article forwarded by Tsinghua Du Nan and other official WeChat accounts. In the article "How did I lose 30 pounds? There is a picture with the truth ",I wrote that my weight loss method came from Bai Bangni, and I also mentioned one of her articles. There are still people leaving messages on Weibo asking for Bai Bangni's article. If they look at previous comments, or directly search for the keyword "Bai Bangni, lose weight" on Baidu, they can find it. At first, I was quite enthusiastic, and I took pains to send emails and send links. Later, I couldn't bear to be disturbed, so I turned a blind eye.
Don't bother others casually, respect others' time and space, be able to think from each other's standpoint, be affectionate, righteous and empathetic. This is a manifestation of knowing how to respect boundaries and being educated.
Once a former colleague took a day off and came back and said that he received 28 calls a day. It is better not to complain than to complain.
Not all office workers have the "welfare" of weekends. For many business service workers, it is a good thing to take a day off every week. I finally took a day off, but I received countless calls. I am more tired than going to work, and my family complains more. Asking for leave to answer 28 calls a day may be because the work was not handled well the day before, too many important and urgent things happened, and too many calls that had to be answered but were afraid to answer; It may also be that too many people don't know how to respect boundaries, or are afraid to defend their own boundaries.
Comrade Jason works in a foreign company. In strict accordance with the labor law, there are various holidays. If you don't take annual leave or postpone your vacation, you should write your own application statement and give up voluntarily. With comparison, you will know what humanized management is.
Once he was at home on holiday and didn't answer my phone. After a long time, he called and I asked, "Why didn't you answer the phone?" ! "He actually said: I am on vacation!
Makes people laugh and cry.
When you register for a vacation in the company's office system, you generally don't receive emails or phone calls. Whether it is a superior or a colleague, the customer calls and the phone is turned off.
"I'm on vacation!" It's okay not to answer the phone.
He forgot that I was her wife.
But the important thing I learned in this matter is that you should know how to respect the boundaries between work and life. I have subordinates, too, so I must never call them when they are off work.
In the afternoon 1 1, the leader called a 90-year-old to talk about business and asked him what he was doing. After 90, I may reply: make love. Then he resigned the next day. The world is so big that he wants to see it.
After 90, interns did not order lunch boxes for leaders, which caused heated discussion. I asked my daughter what she thought after 00. She said: for such a simple matter, don't you just order a box lunch? ! Minutes, Meituan and Baidu take-out will be solved! I have time to grind, and the meal is here.
If we simply use the backward thinking of the post-60 s and post-70 s to manage the post-90 s and even the future post-00 s, it is impossible to attract many outstanding talents. If your company, your unit and your leader ask you to keep your mobile phone on for 24 hours, and the WeChat nail group asks you to throw out a work item and come back to life for 4 hours, I don't think such a company, unit and leader is worth following-unless you are a special occupation, such as military special police, you need to be on standby for 24 hours when performing tasks, so as to be effective at any time. Unless you have enough money and dreams to make you work hard.
After 90, "a boss who only talks about dreams and doesn't talk about money is not a good boss" and "a company that only talks about selfless dedication and doesn't know how to respect employees' private space is not a good company. "Because you don't know how to respect boundaries, it's not worth following.
In this world, we are always in various "relationships". Parents and children, brothers and sisters, relatives and friends, teachers and students, friends and lovers, ex-wives, colleagues, superiors and subordinates, neighbors, passers-by A, B, C ... even people and nature, and things, each relationship has boundaries that need to be respected.
Previously, there were nude photos of the holy lake in Tibetan areas, and recently there were couples taking large-scale nude photos on the streets of Dali. The reason why they provoked public anger and even caused netizens to get angry and "get out of Yunnan" is because they crossed the line. Although they have naked freedom, if they don't respect social ethics and local culture, they are suspected of blasphemy and illegal invasion.
If we don't respect each other's borders or boundaries, it will lead to quarrels and wars, as will regions and countries. Don't respect the laws of nature, just ask for it. Desertification, El Nino, smog ... human beings have suffered or are suffering.
I quite agree with "the true sense of boundaries is not to draw a line between each other, but to respect the decisions and ideas made by the people you love through the sense of boundaries."
In Li Zhongying's class, "boundary" is one of the most important terms. For example, in a love relationship-do what you can, and don't force the other person to do what he doesn't want to do (such as not reading the other person's mobile phone and diary, etc.). ), respect yourself, don't do things that lower others' respect for you and make you lose your dignity ... aren't these boundaries common sense?
I used to be a "nosy" person, always giving advice and suggestions to others enthusiastically, and carrying out criticism and self-criticism. Not "selfless dedication", but "ready to help others". Until I was taught a few lessons by the cruel reality. Once I forgot why, a former colleague said behind my back, "Only she can!"! Who cares ... "
I know why I hate it. Because, there is no clear understanding of the three most important things in life-doing your own thing well and managing your own thing well; Respect the boundaries of other people's affairs; For god's sake, say yes.
Eye-catching and Heart-warming WeChat official account Tintin ID: dsd555555