During the Water-sprinkling Festival, everyone poured water on each other to bless them. Suddenly, someone scolded: Shit, who poured water for me? Others advised that throwing you is a blessing.
Don't do that, the curse said. Who threw boiling water at me?
Waiting for the bus
I went to work this morning to catch the bus. When I got to the platform, the bus had already started. So I chased it and shouted, "Master, wait!" "
Me, master, wait for me! ......"
This is a passenger sticking his head out of the window and saying to me, "Wukong, stop chasing."
3. What a shame
Outside the delivery room of the hospital, a group of men are waiting to be new fathers. A nurse hurried out of the delivery room and said to one of them
"Congratulations, your wife is born!"
Another man threw his cigarette butt on the ground, jumped up and shouted, "How dare you! I got there before him. Why hasn't it been my turn yet? "
give/have an acupuncture treatment
A Jia went to the hospital for a health check-up, and the nurse took a needle to draw blood for him. A Jia looked at the shiny needle and couldn't help asking, "Will it hurt?" I'm afraid of pain! The nurse said, "Don't worry, I have been a nurse for more than 20 years." ... "Someone said," Great, I'm relieved! "Then the nurse put the needle down and only heard a scream like killing a pig. The nurse slowly connected:" It doesn't hurt. "
Outoutwit oneself
In the bar, George is drinking beer alone. He suddenly felt that he was going to the bathroom. He was afraid that someone would steal his beer after he left, so he wrote a note on the table: "I spit in the cup." When he came back, he found another sentence added to the paper: "I threw up, too." . . .
6.it's too loud
Zhuge Liang is a master of eight stunts, one of which is ventriloquism. It is said that Zhuge Liang discussed with Liu Bei in his account this day. Zhuge Liang suddenly wanted to fart, but he was afraid of being heard by Liu Bei. I'm really sorry. He had a brainwave and said, "Master, I call you like a woodpecker. How about adjusting the atmosphere?" Liu Bei nodded. Zhuge Liang imitated the woodpecker and barked twice, then took the opportunity to fart. Then he asked, "What's the matter, master? Do I learn like it? " Liu Bei said, "Learn it again. You farted too loudly just now. I didn't see it. "
7.
There is an ugly girl who has never been married and hopes to be trafficked. One day, her dream finally came true and she was kidnapped. The kidnapper thought she was ugly and sent her back to her original place. The woman insisted on not getting off the bus. The kidnapper gnashed his teeth and said, go! No car!
8. In Spring Festival travel rush, the train was so crowded that a gentleman stuck his ass out of the window when he stopped. The inspector at the bottom of the car found it and shouted: the fat man with the cigar pulled his head back.
9. I saw a penny on the side of the road, and I was about to bend down to pick it up. It turned out to be phlegm. I *, his niang of, who spit so round?
10. In a military performance, a shell deviated far away. The soldiers sent to inspect found that the shells landed in the farmland, and there stood a farmer in Tanaka, his clothes were torn and his face was dark. He said with tears in his eyes, stealing a cabbage is worth shelling?
1 1. Remember the military training under the tree that year? The coach said to the students, "Count off in the first row!" You looked at the coach in surprise, and the coach said loudly, "Count off!" " "So, reluctantly, you turned and hugged the tree!
12. The weather is hot and cold, so it's hard to calm down this season. I always miss you in the distance. I would like to keep a homing pigeon and let it fly to your place every day, even if all I can do is a simple action: pull a shit on your head!
13.
One night, a naked man called a taxi and the female driver stared at him intently. The naked man was furious and shouted: You have never seen a naked man! The female driver was also furious: I see where the fuck you lost!
14. A village woman went to town for the first time and wanted to go to the toilet. She didn't meet for a long time, so she asked the policeman, Comrade, there is a public toilet in front. Where is the mother toilet?
15. When the nurse saw a patient drinking in the ward, she went over and whispered to him, "Sweetheart!" "The patient smiled and said," baby. "
16. An old friend lost his car. When he put the new car downstairs, he locked three locks and put a piece of paper: let you steal it! The next day, the car was not lost, and two locks and a piece of paper were added, which read: Let you ride!
17. The teacher asked the physical education committee to make sure that all the girls in the class were here, so he said to him, "Go and clean up all the girls in the class." The Sports Commission was a little goat and asked, "Which one?" Teacher @ # ... ￥%
18. In junior high school math class, the teacher talked about equation transformation, rolled up his sleeves on the podium and shouted: Attention, students! I'm going to change! ……
Baidu jokes, jokes endless resources:
/f？ ct = & amptn = & amprn = & amppn = & amplm = & ampsc = & ampkw = % D0 % A6 % BB % B0 & amprs2 = 0 & ampmy select value = 1 & amp； word=%D0%A6%B
An American, a Japanese and an China are exploring the jungle. As a result, they were all arrested by cannibal tribes. But the tribal leader said, "I'm in a good mood today. I won't eat you, but you all have to get a hundred boards, but you can have a wish come true before you get a board." "
The American was the first to be hit by the board. He said, "Before hitting the board, put 1 mat on my ass." Mats, boards rained down; In the past, 70 boards were ok. After the 70-board back cushion was smashed and there was blood on the board ... America always left.
When the Japanese saw this, they asked for a 10 mattress. After 1, 2, 3 ... 100, the Japanese got up and patted their ass, nothing happened; Then he boasted about his imitation ability and re-creation ability with a smelly mouth, and wanted to sit in a Chinese drama.
China people slowly get down and say slowly, "Come on, give me the Japanese mat." ... and one more, I forgot.
Many songs, because of the singer or the song itself, can't hear the lyrics clearly at all, and often listen to the original good lyrics by mistake.
● When I was a child, I listened to Xintianyou: "I bowed my head and walked in the ravine", and I always felt that it was "my head, like a ravine".
● "Wait once in a thousand years, wait once-"Someone heard: "A thousand-year-old female ghost, a female ghost-"
The ending song of Super Variety: "Goodbye, goodbye, meeting in front of the color screen …" sounds like: "Meeting in the mortuary …" Later, it was estimated that the audience's opinions were too great and it was changed to "Meeting in applause".
Remember Mickey Mouse and Donald Duck? The title says, "Ah, the show has started!" " After listening for a long time, I always thought he said, "Ah, wild boar shit!" "
"Jigong" sings: "Where there is injustice, there is no me." Yes, where the ground is uneven, of course there will be a "nest"!
● I didn't understand the phrase "always keep your eyes open" in Descendants of the Dragon at first, but I always heard that it was "forever two years away". I've been wondering why it has to be two years later.
How many good sisters do you have? Contains a sentence "Why does every girl marry a tear?" How should I listen? Is "why does every girl have to marry a human?" !
My high school classmate told me that when he was a child, he listened to "The Red Sun on the Border" as "The Red Sun in Transformers"! He didn't know what the "border area" was at that time, but he remembered it clearly. Every evening, he can see the red sunset in the west of the village. The most terrible thing is that there is a transformer on a highland in the west of their village. At night, I happened to see a red sun on the transformer. So my classmates have been thinking: Why do songwriters know that the transformer in their village is in the west?
In Andy Lau's China Man, "How many dreams have been hidden in five thousand years" sounds like "How many dreams have been hidden in Jacklyn Wu". Strange, maybe they have one. ...
"The most romantic thing I can think of is to grow old with you." Listen, "The most romantic thing I can think of is to sell computers with you ..."
When I was a child, I learned to sing the theme song of "A Smart Rest" with TV (Japanese). When I overheard it, I sang it as "Geji, Geji, Geji, Auntie washed the spittoon ..."
"Learn from Lei Feng and set a good example ... stand firm, and the beans will smell sweet ..." Why do the beans smell sweet when they stand firm? Because beans are patriotic, I have always understood it this way.
● "... Our motherland is a garden, and the flowers in the garden are really bright. The warm sunshine shines on us, and everyone laughs ... "The last two sentences were heard when I was a child," The sunshine in Henan shines on us, and Americans laugh ",which has been suppressed for many years. ...
● When I was a child, I heard someone sing: "We sat by the high urn and listened to my mother's stories about the past ..." It was terrible. I didn't know the lyrics until high school: "... beside the grain pile ..."
Listen to Jordan chan's new album "Hug, Hug". The style has changed and it is very affectionate. Listening all the way down, I suddenly heard Jordan chan sing "Little Beast" frequently. Be careful again. Yes, the whole sentence seems to be "let the world call it a little beast" Isn't it a yuppie? Is there a problem? Just look at the lyrics and you will know: "I can make the whole world laugh!" " "alas!
● There is a song that I still think is "A Group of March 8th Dances". Do you know which one it is-"Forget the samba".
You've heard Jacky Cheung sing "The ending is not the result I want"-"The ending is not the result I want" ... I'm not the one waiting at the window ... "My friends and I listened to it many times and thought" I'm not the one waiting in the toilet ... "I never understood.
● Another time, "... the goose heard my song and the river kissed my face ..." was heard as: "Grandpa listened to my song and the young man kissed my face." Dizzy!
● Later, I heard my roommate sing a single love song: "... love should be more frustrated and braver ..." It is considered as "... love should be braver ..."
● In the theme song of The Condor Heroes in Richie Jen, "Make me sad or drunk …" I always hear "Yang Guo is sad or Yang Guo is drunk …" Hey! Why do you always have a problem with the hero? ! !
Remember the Hometown Cloud written by ChristianRandPhillips-"Come on, ghost, come on ... (Come back, come back)". At first sight, I was really shocked.
I am a classmate from the countryside. When listening to May's sisters, "... you are my sister and you are my baby! After listening for two days, I finally couldn't help but say, "How does this woman sing? Why my sister's and my uncle's? ? "
● When I was in junior high school, a classmate listened to A Zhe's "Love is like a Tide" and asked me doubtfully: "Why did he sing' Promise me, you will never line up in the middle of the night'?"
The first time I listened to Tong Ange's Ye Lian Girl, I heard "... wild donkey, mysterious wild donkey ..." I thought for a long time!
When it comes to unclear articulation, Jay Chou is the first. He hummed: "Little bitch, little bitch, little bitch, little bitch, little bitch …" When I heard this, I sang along. Only when I was scolded by my girlfriend did I know that my brother sang "Jay Chou, Jay Chou, Jay Chou ..." Some people called themselves little bitches?
● Another one, which has nothing to do with lyrics, is an advertisement. Have you seen Sofitel Cecilia Cheung slimming advertisement? Cecilia Cheung walked out gracefully with her waist in her hand, and two beautiful women watched with envy. Beauty Zhang said, "Why not use Sofitel?" I heard, "Why not hold it in your hand?" I think Beauty Zhang thinks his waist is too thin and he is afraid of breaking it, so I told everyone to hold it with their hands and be careful not to break it! It took me a long time to communicate with my friends before I knew the truth. Everybody laughs!