A reporter interviewed a penguin and asked him what he had done all day. The first one said: Eat and sleep and beat peas. The second said: Eat and sleep and beat peas. I have been asking 99 of them. When I asked the first one, I said: Eat and sleep. The reporter asked: Why not fight peas? Penguin said: I'm fucking peas, your grandmother.

One day, several officials and his men came to the restaurant for dinner. A waiter (female) in the shop just arrived 18 years old, and she is an inexperienced dog. After entering the restaurant. The leader said, "Miss! Tea! "

Miss: (It turns out that he thinks he has no experience to ask him to check the number of people)

Leader: pour the tea! !

Missed: ""

Leader: "You count!"

Miss: "I am a dog."

The leader called the head waiter and gave him a lecture. As a result, the waiter was really a dog! disk drive

The leader asked for a stewed turtle. The leader said, "Miss, please give us some bastards inside."

Miss: "I'm sorry, big brother, you eight people and seven bastards can't share!" " "

There is a taxi driver who works in a taxi company. One night, he was driving through a very desolate place, surrounded by darkness; Suddenly I saw a building on the wasteland ahead, with dim lights on. He was wondering when such a building was built here when he saw a young lady beckoning him to drive home. After the young lady got on the bus, he closed the door and started driving. After a while, he wondered why the young lady didn't speak. As a result, he looked back in the mirror and saw that it was not a lady but a doll sitting there. Scared to death, he grabbed the doll and threw it out of the window. After returning home, he was seriously ill for three months ... After recovery, he returned to work in a taxi company. As a result, his colleague said to him, [You are so boring. A beautiful lady came to complain that she wanted to take your car last time. As a result, she just threw the doll in, and you closed the door and drove away.

There was a young man who went home for a reunion dinner during the Spring Festival. Because there is a grave on his way home, it is said that very secret things often happen, so his mother specially told him to go home early. However, on the way home by bus, there was another traffic jam, and the young man fell asleep in the car. When he woke up, it was past midnight 10. He saw no one in the car, the driver was not there, the car was moving slowly, and there was noise. He turned to look at the grave outside. He couldn't help but feel a twinge of fear, bewildered and trembling, so he wanted to probe out and have a look. Who knows? ...

In a mental hospital, one day the dean wanted to see how three mental patients were recovering, so he put a white rabbit in front of each of them. The first mental patient sat on the rabbit, grabbed the rabbit's ear and shouted "Drive". The dean shook his head. The second man turned his back on the white rabbit and patted it and said, "Chase it for me". The dean sighed. The third crouched there, touching the white rabbit assiduously. After reading it, the dean nodded with satisfaction, only to hear him say, "Sample, you go, I'll chase you after washing the car!" " "Dean fell down and fainted. ...

A beautiful woman decided to spend a lot of money to lose weight. Spent hundreds of thousands, she felt very satisfied!

On her way home, she bought a newspaper at the newsstand and asked her boss, "Excuse me, how old do you think I am?"

The boss said: 32.

She is so happy: 47!

Then, she went to work and asked the lady at the counter the same question.

Miss said, I guess 29.

She is so happy: no, 47!

She walked happily to the unified super gum shop on the corner and kept asking the counter lady. The lady said, well, I guess 30.

She is so proud: 47, thank you!

While waiting for the bus, she asked the old man next to her.

The old man said: I am 78 years old and my eyes are not good. I do not see any at all. However, there is one way to be sure when you are young. If you let me put my hand in your bra, I'll definitely know.

Your age!

After a long silence, in the empty street, she finally couldn't help thinking: OK! You have a try.

The old man reached into her shirt, then into her bra and began to grope slowly and carefully.

A few minutes later, she said, guess how old I am?

The old man squeezed the last one and pulled out his hand. Ma 'am, you are 47 years old.

The beauty was surprised and asked in surprise: awesome! How did you know?

"Promise not to get angry?"

"Don't be angry!"

The old man's answer let beauty passed out:

The old man said, I was behind you in the queue at McDonald's.

If I were a man (have fun)

The first thing is to find a bottle of Zhang Guang and pour it under your armpit to make your hair grow hard.

I'm so mysterious and green, so I walk around naked ~ ~ ~

Wave when you meet someone ~ ~ ~

Even if my arm is dislocated later, I will get a stick to support it.

That's like a man ~ ~ ~

Unlike girls who walk with their arms around all day, they are like child brides ~ ~

Then I went to the supermarket and covered various fancy instant noodles.

I'm not afraid to eat oversized bags anymore. I'm embarrassed to pay.

See the sky again * * ~ ~ ~

Add ham, sausage, salted duck eggs, tea eggs, spicy pickles and so on.

Also, when you pay, don't forget to downplay your little sister ~ ~

Pp ~ ~ ~

I will resolutely eat his instant noodles for three days and three nights ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~

How to eat how cool, how to eat how scary ~ ~ ~

I stood on the balcony with bare arms and a belly, and had a delicious meal, whirring

Burp when you see ppmm.

Don't be too cool ~ ~ ~

I can wear it to play games in the dormitory.

You can also wear a pair of worn trousers to class.

Socks don't need to be washed. When they are dirty, they should be dried in the sun, and naturally disinfected by ultraviolet rays ~ ~ ~ Pure natural and pollution-free ~ ~ ~ A new concept of health ~ ~ ~

I probably didn't wash it either, but I wore some pants instead.

Red dirty for green, green dirty for black ~ ~ as long as transparent ~ ~ ~

After one round, wear it from the inside out ~ ~ ~ ~

Get dressed and continue to wear it inside and out ~ ~ ~ ~

I just sat in the last row of the classroom.

Pick your feet when you die, and play ac Milan and Juventus with me when you die.

I want to make the foot length of all the big and small stars accurate to micron back ~ ~ ~

That brother should remember wrong. We need to measure it clearly with a micrometer ~ ~

This is a matter of life and death ~ ~ ~ No kidding ~ ~ ~

Good feet, good appetite, great kicking and delicious food ~ ~ ~

I'm not afraid to go shopping anymore.

I can drink water desperately.

Go to McDonald's bathroom if you feel anything ~ ~

By the way, you can also look at the expression of mm who is waiting in line next door ~ ~ ~ ~,

I don't go to the bathroom to wash, even the cats are in the dormitory in cold weather ~ ~

Shout and jump three times in a row Turn on the cold water.

Pneumonia is a big deal ~ ~ ~ Just don't touch the damn F D ~ ~

If I become a man, I will be a handsome boy.

Must be crazy about girls.

Then I will be reserved, ppmm can communicate, and I will be generous and graduate.

But I want to keep my virginity,

Wait until one day, somewhere on campus,

Meet a girl as clean as a lily,

I will spend the rest of my life protecting her innocence.

I can sacrifice sex for her.

When I transfer or graduate to help mm with things.

I publicly announced that in order to help me drop something ~ ~ ~ ~,

Someone takes off their clothes as soon as they have something! ! ! ! ~~~~

I just wore ten coats and ten T-shirts ~ ~ ~ ~

The most important thing is to put on ten pieces from S, M, L, XL, XXL and XXXL respectively ~ ~ ~

I don't believe my county can't be saved ~ ~ ~

A girl's breakup letter

Giving up on me is your life's fault, and you may not feel it now. But one day you will regret it!

You are really a villain. I hate you so much now that I can't wait to rush to your house and kill you!

Do you really have to make me angry and make you happy without heart? You are really no ordinary goods!

He XX, in this life, I will thunder and lightning if I say one more sweet word to you. I will die a natural death, and Wan Jian will wear my heart out!

Even if you are the only man left, I won't look at you again. I despise your personality!

I never loved you. Do you think I really loved you before? Stop bragging! I'm playing you!

Even if you have cancer, if you have one last day, I won't sympathize with you, because you deserve it!

Even if a truck hits you in front of me, I won't send you! You waste oxygen!

Although you are tall, you have eight legs. Do you think I don't know until I tell you?

Although, we have known each other for so long and haven't quarreled several times, do you think I am very accommodating to you, a bad person?

In fact, I was playing with you from the beginning! So you left me without feeling sad!

Let me kick your ass when you die. I take it out on you when I'm in a bad mood. You are still happy. I took you there!

Even if one of you and me dies, you must die first! I'm being a villain, hitting you every day!

I was reluctant to use your money when I had no money to spend. I really regret it! What a fool!

Last time I had an affair, I really regretted not letting you see it. I regret not having your self-esteem!

Only you can think of the vulgar screen name of downtime arrears, and your IQ stops at five years old!

You said the way to stop my tears was to dry them with your lips. You are the worst person!

Fortunately, I didn't let you take advantage of me in the past, otherwise I would have lost a lot. What luck!

I don't want to think about your face. I'm embarrassed to take it out. How I used to live and shop!

I can't get rid of my heart by blaming you. Do you know why? I don't think you are badly hurt!

Forget it! Scolding you is just a waste of my saliva. I don't deserve and don't need to give it to someone like you!

Think that if you leave me, no one will chase me anymore? My popularity can be compared with Britney Spears!

Go to hell, as far away as possible! Let me see you scold again, you should know my temper!

You are you, I am me, and we make a clean break from now on. Don't talk to each other, or you are an asshole!

Even if you kneel before me again, I won't relent and forgive you. You are so hypocritical!

I won't help your mother again if I kill her. That sweater is an insult to me!

One-on-one, I also quarreled with your mother. Your mother really has no quality to bully the little girl!

As a result, I gave birth to you, a worse villain. This is called bad luck, and it happened!

Theft is sentenced to half a year, what other bad things can't be done? I was blind then!

Last year, you ran out of the classroom for the first time after class. Do you remember the reason? Let me tell you something!

I like to put laxatives in your lunch when I am most annoyed. What do you think of squatting in the side room?

I can't even think that I'm worse than you. Can I? I laugh every time I think about it!

But you'll never get revenge again, which is why I'm telling you. Are you out of your mind?

Actually, I still feel a little guilty, but now I feel good! I laughed hysterically again!

Forgive me completely for my original behavior. Otherwise, you will never forget me in your life, and I am ashamed!

I am lying to you. Have you seen my shame on you? Even if there is, it's fake!

Your fault! Who told you to break up before me? This is karma, you know?

Come on! I'm not interested in you anymore. Stop pestering me in the future, or I'll find someone to beat you!

Forget me! I think you seem a little nervous. You must be really hurt this time!

Friends say we are made for each other. Bah! You really don't deserve me!

My weight is none of your business. This is called fullness. You want me to lose weight every day, I'm fucking fed up with you!

You are not so much like a duck in the street as a new human being. Tired of watching Xiao Taibao's death!

You said to do it again, and you were bullied so badly by me? Want to know the answer?

I will kick your ass when I die! You are so stupid! Ten thousand more times, and you will die at my hands!

Just reflect on where you are wrong! I won't tell you the answer again!

Say what? Do you want to kill yourself? You are really not a man. I've only bullied you for less than two years and I want to die!

Dead? Then I'll shut up. I'm not interested in wasting my breath on a dead man You rest in peace!

Tip: Read the third word in each line from top to bottom!

Classic misunderstanding

1. When the nurse saw the patient was ill and drinking, she went over and whispered, "Sweetheart!" The patient smiled and said, "Little baby."

2. A sister-in-law saw a person who was about to get off the bus drop a pack of cigarettes on the pedal, and quickly said to that person, Comrade, you dropped the cigarettes! The man is furious: you just castrated!

3. A person was constipated when he went to the toilet, and suddenly he saw a person rushing in, and it was stormy in an instant. "Dude, I really envy you, so fast." "What do you envy? I didn't take off my pants. "

The English name of the next girl who should interview for a job is "spring". The secretary wanted to take this opportunity to improve her English and shouted, Hi! Well, Chun, it's your turn!

On the bus, the standing pregnant woman said to the strange man sitting next to her, don't you know I'm pregnant? I saw the man very nervous and said, but the child is not mine!

6. Are there military prostitutes in the army? Jun: Yes, there is no military discipline! Min: Really! Do I have to pay? Jun: What money do you need? Our military discipline was handed down from above.

7. A man stormed into a unit and shouted: Is this the Animal Protection Association? Staff: Yes, who bullied you?

8. Farmer: I often feel cold after sleeping at night. I had it, too. At that time, I will hug my wife and warm up. Farmer: That's a good idea, but when will it be convenient for your wife?

9. Female secretary: "Boss, your wife is here. She said she would kiss you in the room." "Boss:" You hold it for me first, and then come and give it to me later. "

10. Mrs. Wang is pregnant with quadruplets and shows off to her neighbors everywhere, saying that it is not easy to have quadruplets, and it takes an average of 60,000 times to happen. Mrs. Li was surprised: do you still have time to do housework?

1 1. Children are thinking about "heredity and environment". Mom interjected: This question is very simple. As we all know, children who look like their fathers are inherited. Like neighbors, that is the environment.

12. Khrushchev visited the farm, and the reporter took a photo of him in a pigsty with pigs. The next day, I saw a postscript in the newspaper: the third from the left is Comrade Khrushchev.

How did the war begin?

The son asked his father how the war was caused.

Father: "For example, if there is any dispute between France and Italy. . . "

Mother: "No, there is absolutely no dispute between France and Italy."

Father: "I know, I'm just using a hypothetical method here ..."

Mother: "This is not good for children's education!" " "

Father: "Nothing, it doesn't matter!" "

Mother: "Nothing! ? No! "

Father: "Bah!"

Son: "Dad, I know, I know how the war was caused."

Light a little

It's late at night and the children are still playing musical instruments. Mother said to them, "children, be gentle, be gentle."

A little! The neighbors are asleep. "

The youngest son blinked and asked inexplicably, "Mom, is it still too loud?" We play light music.

Music. "

Don't delay.

Mother said, "Don't put off till tomorrow what you can do today."

The son said, "So, did you eat all the sugar just now?"

Unlike a cow.

Mother said, "You really look like a milk eater. You look like a branch, just like his wet nurse. "

Zhier quickly said, "Really? My brother is a lot like my father. He must have eaten his father's milk. "

Mother said, "No! The younger brother is nursing! "

Zhier said, "But I don't think he looks like an ox!" "

Old people's teeth

Chen Er asked his mother, "Our family has good food every day. The younger brother is also a mother.

My dear baby, why don't you give him some milk to drink and nothing to eat? "

His mother said, "Because my little brother has no teeth and can't chew, he must eat milk."

Chen Erqi said strangely, "I saw that the old man next door didn't have a tooth in his mouth. Why, old woman? "

No milk for him? "

Midnight blindness

My little brother woke up in the middle of the night, because the light went out and he could see nothing when he opened his eyes.

He burst into tears, and his mother listened and quickly asked, "Why are you crying?"

The little brother replied: "Not good! I can't see anything in my eyes. I must be blind.

Yes "

Never die

The mother gave the candy to her son, who ate it in a short time. He said, "Mom, why don't you?"

Give me something that doesn't consume? Let me put it in my mouth and taste its sweetness for a long time. "

The mother smiled and replied, "Stupid boy! Any food will be destroyed once it is chewed and swallowed. "

The child replied, "Then my brother eats milk every day. Put it in your mouth, and how he eats it is still the same.

Two cups of milk altogether. "

A dog without a dog

The mother said to the child, "If you make trouble again, I'll put you in the kennel."

Child: "Yes. But when the thief comes, I won't call. "

Pears in the mirror

Mother: "Why do you eat pears in front of the mirror?"

Daughter: "Can't you eat two pears like this?"

Mom doesn't love dad.

Jiang Er asked his mother, "Why do you always hit me?"

Mother said, "I love you when I hit you." I hope you make progress! " "

Ginger thought for half a ring; "Then you don't love dad? How come I haven't seen you fight?

Where's Dad? "

A clever boy

Son: "Mom, why is the Japanese capital in Tokyo and the capital of China?"

Mother: "Because Tokyo is in the east of Japan and in the north of China!" " "

Son: "If the capital is located in the center of China, it should be called Zhongjing."

Mother: "Yes! You are so clever. "

If left idle

The youngest son always refuses to sit down when eating. Mother asked strangely; "Dry, what's wrong with you today?

Eat standing up? "

Son: "Today, in Chinese class, the teacher said,' Sit on your laurels ...'"

Not suitable for long-term storage

Mom came home: "Little greedy ghost, you just ate all the snacks!" " "

Mao Mao pointed to the food bag on the ground and said vaguely, "It didn't say' not for a long time'.

Hide? "

Don't understand science

My son was lying on the sofa reading a pictorial, and my mother came into the room panting and said, "I bought a car full of coal."

Now the coal car is parked on the other side of the bridge and can't be pulled up. Come and help mom push! "

"Well, mom, you don't understand science," said the son, lying still and cocked his head. "According to Newton.

According to the law of inertia, you just need to back the car 20 meters, then rush up and the car can cross the bridge. "

enlighten

"Mom, are people really monkeys?"

"yes."

"Oh, no wonder there are fewer and fewer monkeys."

Very/very confused/at a loss/confused/at a loss

"Mom, what time was I born at night?"

"3 pm."

"Then how did you wake me up?"

because ..

Mom: "Why do you keep doing somersaults?"

Son: "I just finished drinking medicine." I forgot to shake the medicine in the bottle before drinking it. .

sleep in peace

Mom: "Xiao Pang, you are sleeping. Why do you want to eat the pond?"

Xiao Pang: "Don't you want me to sleep soundly at night?"

go to hell

There is a pupil who often writes "umbrella" as "fate". One day it rained in class and he didn't bring an umbrella.

He wrote a note to his classmates to send it home, and asked his mother to send an umbrella to school.

The note said, "Mom, I'm going home. Please come quickly."

create

Child: "What is creation, Mom?"

Mother: "For example, if you do something that no one else has done, this is called creation."

Child: "Oh …" Then I see. "

Mother: "Do you understand?"

Child: "I see. For example, last night, you asked me to pour spittoons from the balcony when it rained.

This is your creation. "

Xiazhimao

In winter, the sky is full of snow and very cold. Ming Sheng asked his mother, "Mom! One by one.

Everyone wears a lot of clothes, but it's still not warm. Why can't cats have clothes?

Frozen to death? "

His mother smiled and said, "You are really beautiful! Cats have a lot of hair, which can compensate us a lot.

Clothes, where do you still feel cold? "

A few months later, Ming Sheng has come back from school for the summer vacation. One day, his mother suddenly saw a cat.

My son jumped out of the book and shouted, "Ouch!" Where is the naked hair on the cat?

Where have you been? "

I saw Ming Sheng snatch it from the room and said, "It's very hot now. Our fur coat is old. "

It's all gone The cat is still wearing such a thick sweater. I was afraid it would get hot, so I took scissors.

Knife, cut it off for him. "

I have tasted it.

Mother told her son to get pears and said to him, "Pick the best."

My son bought pears for his mother. Mother said, "Why are all these pears missing one?"

Where's the horn "

Er Yu said, "I can't see which one is the best, so I have tasted them all."

Can't throw

Mother: "the child across the hall, come and tell me when I throw stones at you again."

Son; "It's no use talking! Mom, the stone can't be farther than me. "

Broke the alarm clock

"Mom, I broke the alarm clock, I broke the alarm clock."

"I see, there is no need to say it again!"

"You said that once you confess, you can reduce your punishment by half."

White grape

While teaching the child the riddle of "eyes", the mother walked into the shop: "Hair is above, hair is below."

Mao, there is a black grape in the middle. "

At this time, it happened that a salesman glared at the customer and lost his temper. After the child saw it, he said to his mother:

"Mom, look at that aunt with two original white grapes!"

Never seen it.

Mom: "Look at your hands, how dirty they are! When have you ever seen my hands as dirty as yours? "

Daughter: No, Mom. I've never seen you as old as me. "

catch fire

Beibei: "Brother, what movie did you see yesterday?"

Brother: "Fly to the moon", the fire slides fast and high. "

Beibei: "Then why does Firebamboo fly so fast?"

Brother: "Didn't you see the fire on the ground when Huo Jianfei was there?" Who's angry?

No, run! "

Can cows smoke?

Two farm children were chatting, and one suddenly asked, "Does your cow smoke?"

"Are you crazy? How can cows smoke? "

"Oh, then, maybe your cowshed is on fire."

change clothes

"I actually changed five sets of clothes a day." The fashion model said to her friend.

"That's nothing!" A friend's boy said, "My sister accidentally.

Changed 12 times. "

"Your sister? How old is she? "

"Three months."