I once met a stay-at-home mother whose child was expelled from school for being naughty. Even at this time, the mother had to admit that there was something wrong with the child, but she couldn't say anything. Instead, I kept saying: how much the child has improved, how kind-hearted, and my mother will give her water when she is sick, and so on. She felt that the child had been wronged and even imagined that she was sorry for her son. If she did it in those years, the child would be happier and more promising. But what I see is that this child's behavior and psychological problems caused by poor education are very serious, and there will be problems in the future. Another stay-at-home mother, if she only listens to her, her daughter is a perfect genius. If she is hired by any school, she will get something for nothing. After I met him, I found that the child also had serious behavioral and psychological problems, but his academic performance at school was not bad. As a result, I politely declined the children's admission. It's not that children can't teach well, but that with such a confused mother, children can't teach well. The educational objects of stay-at-home mothers are generally exposed after middle school, and various problems generally appear, but they have developed inertia and have no time to correct them. Therefore, the educational achievements of stay-at-home mothers are generally failures. Children often have many problems in psychological character and behavior, and academic failure is also very common. The following are two true stories of my relatives and friends: one is that Laozi, the top scholar, became a "professional father" and spent 30 years proving the failure of education. The other is that "unemployed parents" with low academic qualifications are unable to take care of their families, and their children themselves become the top candidates in the college entrance examination! One of my elders was the top scholar in the college entrance examination in our region (before the Cultural Revolution), and later his state-owned factory closed down and was forced to be laid off. It can be said that this life is very unlucky. Because of his career failure, he pinned all his hopes in life on his son. Children grow up under the meticulous care of their fathers, and primary and secondary schools take care of them all the way. Thanks to my father's efforts, the college entrance examination was successfully admitted to Wuhan University, which is regarded as one of the only leaders in our family who was admitted to a national first-class prestigious school. However, entering the university is the beginning of the problem: after entering the university, the father loses the opportunity of comprehensive guidance and control, the son gains the "freedom" of self-development, and the children who are out of supervision also have the desire for independence. So he was "good" for two years, and after barely reaching the sophomore year, he repeated the grade for two consecutive years. As we all know, famous universities in China are not easy to enter, but they are easy to leave. The teacher is willing to send the students through, as long as it is not too much, we will mix diplomas together. In fact, most students in college are muddling along. Girls watch Korean dramas, boys play games and so on. , but they can basically graduate, and they have good transcripts to cheat enterprises. The child is certainly not stupid to be admitted to Wuhan University, but even physical education class will fail. This shows that the child "deliberately does not learn" and is even too lazy to dawdle. In the end, of course, I didn't even get my diploma. Of course, my parents were angry when I came home, but the consequences were not serious! Because of his son's eagerness for success, although he didn't have a diploma, his parents turned to experts for help everywhere, and even found him a fairly good job in a bank in the provincial capital: relaxed, graded and well paid. But the most ridiculous thing is that he "resolutely decided" to continue to resist the ideal road arranged by his father, or to go his own way: two years later, he was dismissed by the bank for misappropriating public funds to meet "high consumption" and buying high-end mobile phones. Parents came out to pay the bill for their son in his thirties: it was not enough to donate all his pension, and they also lent him money everywhere to fill holes and pay compensation. In order to prevent his son from going to jail, he was heavily in debt. He is now a "free man", and his parents are too old to discipline him, so he has to leave far away and secretly savor the last and greatest failure of life sadly. On the contrary, some parents who have no time and ability to "take care of and help their children" are often successful. My other relative, that is, my elder, has never been to college and has no formal job. He went out to work for others and earned some money as a nanny to live at home. He didn't study the education laws of calvert and Mrs Steiner, and he didn't have the time and energy to take care of the children. The only thing parents can do is to teach their children a trick: parents have no skills and know nothing. If you want to go to college in the future, even your parents can't count on it. You must find your own way. Strive for what you want. Be responsible for yourself! As a result, the child became the top student in the college entrance examination last year. The TV station went home to report that officials visited and even the tuition fees were contested by others. My parents are not worried at all. The two stories mentioned above seem accidental. In fact, if you have studied psychology, you will know that this strange phenomenon is inevitable: whether you are a stay-at-home mother, a stay-at-home father, a stay-at-home grandfather or a stay-at-home grandmother, if you are professionally responsible for children's life and education, it is more likely to cause children's education failure. It will be successful to let children take responsibility. This is the inevitable law of human nature. Of course, there are exceptions: if a stay-at-home mother or a stay-at-home father is proficient in psychology and pedagogy, is good at applying psychology to help children grow up, and is good at behavior education, it may also improve the possibility of successful education for children. In fact, this is the essence of elite education-let outstanding adults with strong thinking ability educate their children. However, how many such stay-at-home mothers are there? Does such a stay-at-home dad exist? If there are such parents, their careers will be very busy. Because people who are truly proficient in psychology are easy to succeed in whatever they do, especially in such a commercial society, mastering psychology will make them indispensable talents in all walks of life. So it is unlikely to be a full-time nanny at home. Contemporary China people generally lack the basic knowledge of psychology. Because China people think that psychology is a "professional skill" conceptually, it seems to be far from real life. A large number of psychology textbooks and courses written by professors who don't understand psychology at all in China University mainly pile up some pedantic and useless concepts, which further strengthens this impression. As a result, due to the lack of basic psychological knowledge, China people's daily life is often in a state of disorder and confusion. They can't control their own lives and their happiness is extremely low. On the contrary, the United States and other western countries attach great importance to psychology. Even an ordinary employee who has not been admitted to a university will use his spare time to study psychology at a community college. This is not for promotion, but because he knows that this is a practical course to make his life better. In fact, a senior American official concluded that the United States is strong not because American technical experts are so smart, but because there are a large number of high-level psychologists in the United States. This statement is hard for us in China to understand. Two: Maslow's psychological theory interpretation of learning motivation and achievement motivation! Here, I use a basic psychological theory to interpret a phenomenon that often puzzles parents in China: Why do stay-at-home mothers often lead to educational failure? Why do parents who devote all their life's hopes to their children often end up as complete losers? Why is the more children are taken care of, the more unhappy they are? These problems not only troubled ordinary parents in China, but also failed to make it clear to the popular "education masters". Even domestic parents' idols, such as calvert's father, Mrs Steiner, go all out to educate their children. They only succeed in their academic education and become an example for domestic parents to learn from, but parents don't know that their children's life education is basically a failure because their children's lives are not happy. To explain this problem, we need to supplement some basic psychological theories and educational theories: the first is Maslow's hierarchy of needs: people have five different levels of needs, the first is the most basic physiological needs, the second is the security needs, the third is the needs for home and love, the fourth is the needs for respect, and the fifth is the needs for self-realization. In Maslow's demand motivation development model, the most important revelation is that people will never be satisfied with their current state and settle down. On the contrary, once they meet the first-level physiological needs of survival, they will continue to pursue higher psychological satisfaction. Spiritual and psychological needs are the most important goals and motivations in life. In the end, self-realization, that is, the need for growth and success, will inspire us to have higher motivation and become our highest spiritual need. Life begins with the most basic physiological needs and moves towards a higher level step by step. If this transfer process can be realized, life will be very happy and full, and psychology will be more healthy and positive. On the contrary: if the needs of life cannot be transferred upwards, you will feel depressed and failed. If we can't improve the level of demand, but are deprived of a higher level of demand and forced to move to a lower level, it will often bring great frustration, often psychologically unacceptable, and it will easily lead to various obstacles and even suicide. For example, the financial crisis has bankrupted many famous CEOs, but it will never be serious enough to make them lose their most basic living conditions and not affect their basic living needs. However, because of "career failure", their higher-level needs-"self-realization" have been hit, resulting in many people being depressed and committing suicide. Another educational theory, like the above theory, is that people are naturally fond of learning. Because real learning is the growth of life, it is in line with people's needs, and it is the upward movement of psychological level. Therefore, real education is a means to keep students' mental growth. Knowing the two principles of psychology and pedagogy, we can understand why stay-at-home mothers (fathers) are more likely to fail in education and why children in our country are generally unhappy. Because what our parents are doing now violates the basic psychological principles and educational principles. Three: stay-at-home mothers meet their higher-level needs by providing their children with low-level requirements! First of all, physiological needs are the most basic needs of life. If people can't get food, they will take risks to steal and rob. But once there is no problem with physical and security needs, people are actually concerned about the need for home, love and respect. Love here means not being spoiled, not being happy when people can gather and his love for 3,000 people is concentrated in one body, but being spoiled, having the ability to love, being "very important" and "needed". If there is no such demand in reality, people often deliberately create such demand or pretend to be needed through games. For example, children like to play house, imitate being a mother and father, take care of dolls, do housework, and so on. They also like raising small animals, imagining that they have enough ability to help the "vulnerable groups" and use games to meet their psychological needs. The "construction and strategy" video games that adults like to play, such as "civilization", are also the embodiment of this achievement. Adults like to keep pets, which is also the need to realize the "love and destination" in their hearts! In fact, people who like to keep pets in cities lack the feeling of being needed in real life. They are often bystanders in real life, which is the "blessed" lifestyle they choose, but this unwanted "life" makes them lack a sense of accomplishment, so they find a puppy to realize their "love and home" needs in animals. In fact, the psychological needs of stay-at-home mothers basically stay at this stage: the need for role regression (I am someone's mother). We have seen many stay-at-home mothers on the Internet. The online name is the child's name, or the role of "Bao Xiao's mother". Many stay-at-home mothers' blog contents are bits and pieces of their children's daily life. If their children make a little progress, they will announce it to the world as important news. These stay-at-home mothers perform their roles wholeheartedly to gain a psychological sense of belonging. Children are often at a loss once they leave their needs. This kind of stay-at-home mother often becomes unbalanced after her children leave home for further study. This shows that it is not children who need them, but they need children. Some stay-at-home mothers even cried several times after sending their children to school for accommodation. They will find all kinds of reasons to see their children in secret, and they will keep calling the teacher: How is my child? Will he not be used to it? Can he adapt? Does he really miss his mother? Wait a minute. In addition, when most mothers call their children, they will ask, "Do you want to be at home or be a mother?" Of course, children are smart enough to say "of course", which makes parents very satisfied. These examples fully show that taking care of children and being a full-time mother actually exists for these mothers to achieve higher-level needs and meet their psychological needs of "home and love". In essence, this behavior is no different from that of these mothers when they were little girls, except that the dolls were replaced by real children, but the psychological needs in essence are exactly the same: children are actually tools they use to meet their psychological needs. Because of this, they don't know how to respect their children as independent individuals, and at the same time deprive them of their higher-level needs: the need for respect! Children are often regarded as their personal belongings by these mothers to meet their psychological needs of "belonging" and "giving love". You're welcome to say that children's status in this family is no different from that of a toy. The fourth level of psychological needs is to respect needs. China people basically don't know what respect is, only respect for face. At home, parents basically don't know how to respect their children and themselves, so they can't meet each other's demand for respect. In daily social interaction, we get false psychological satisfaction by giving each other face, and we don't know real respect. Due to the lack of respect and mutual respect, the quality of life of China people lacks room for improvement. This, the China report of RAND Corporation of the United States also made it very clear, so I won't say much. Parents are often very strange: the school is very strict with students, and children are "afraid" of teachers, and they are also teachers that children like very much. Moreover, even if the school teacher punishes the child, the child is not angry. In schools with strict rules, children are happier. On the contrary, in a home where children are spoiled everywhere, children tend to lose their temper easily and are often unhappy. Parents don't understand, saying that the conclusion is that children are naturally afraid of teachers, but this is not the reason. The essential reason is that school teachers emphasize respect for needs. Even for children, we emphasize principles and rules as adults do. We even respect children's right to make mistakes, which is how children explore the world. The only difference is that we ask children to pay for their mistakes, which is also to respect children's rights and let them learn the sense of rules. Parents basically deprive their children of this kind of psychological pursuit, deprive them of their psychological needs on the grounds of "being good to their children", and even deprive them of their high-level psychological needs by meeting their low-level needs, such as interrupting their games to force them to eat all kinds of "good things". Of course the child is unhappy, and of course he will lose his temper. Parents will basically try their best not to let their children "make mistakes", and once they make mistakes, they will try their best not to let their children bear the consequences. In this way, their children will be disgusted, deprived of psychological needs, and will develop wrong behavior patterns. I usually know that children will suffer, but as long as the impact is not big, I will let the children learn their own lessons. For example, when my children were young, they were always forced to feed by the elderly (an example of extremely disrespecting children's basic physiological abilities), and they would catch them when they were playing hard (they were very disrespecting children's psychological wishes and needs and raising them as animals). As a result, it not only often leads to children's strong resistance, but also forms the psychological values of anorexia. After being taken home for education, the child said that it would be nice if he could not eat. I told him that he could respect his request and not eat for a day. He was surprised. Really? I said, of course it's true. I reached a mutual respect agreement with him. I don't eat for a day, but I can drink water. As a result, he was so hungry that he could only keep drinking water. The child didn't hate me for it, but respected me more, because I fully respected his choice and freedom, even if it was wrong. And I deliberately educated him in this way, letting him know how to be responsible for his actions. It's a pity that parents in China prefer to teach their children not to be responsible for their actions by preaching, resulting in a large number of problem children. The fifth level of demand is the need of "self-achievement". Simply put, it is the need for success and achievement, which is the highest level requirement of psychological needs. And the demand at this level is infinitely high, unlike those low-level needs with limited scope. For example, you can't keep eating to meet the physiological needs of "eating". But self-achievement is an endless space, and people are constantly pursuing self-achievement all their lives, becoming the greatest motivation and source of satisfaction in life. The satisfaction of children's self-achievement needs first comes from the realization of their own physical control ability. The more they can control their bodies, the more flexible their bodies are, and the higher their psychological satisfaction is, so they are happier and more confident. This is the principle that western education attaches great importance to shaping children's mental health with sports. From the toddler, we can see the great satisfaction of the child after learning to walk: keep trying and failing, and finally one day he can walk around, very happy. Because children learn to control their bodies successfully. However, many stupid parents will deprive their children of their physical control and self-achievement in the name of "care", in the name of preventing their children from failing, and in the name of protection, so as to meet their psychological destination requirements of "good parents". In fact, it is essentially to meet the parents' own psychological achievement needs, thus depriving children of their growth needs. Deep down, I feel that children must be unable to support themselves, and they will need the "help" of their parents more. Of course, in the mouth, parents "complain" that their children "can't do this and that", so they "have to" help their children show their "ability" and "importance". The most serious example is a miserable 7-year-old child I have ever seen. His parents deprived him of almost possible psychological needs when he was growing up. His face is full of helplessness and pain, and he often cries for no reason: because he can't even walk well, he will fall down when he walks on a flat floor. After talking with his parents, I found that when I was a child, I was afraid that my children would fall and my clothes would get dirty, so I was held by my parents wherever I went (taking turns to relay, anyway, the elderly at home were fine), and I seldom exercised by myself, which led to serious psychological problems of my children: vulnerability, sensitivity, helplessness and inferiority. I think this problem can't be solved basically. Even if the child is only seven years old, it is completely destroyed physically. This child may only spend his life in a miserable and helpless situation in the future, which is really pitiful. In fact, we can find that when energetic and successful people are bound by illness and pain, a large part of their pain comes not from their bodies, but from the deprivation of psychological needs rather than the disease itself: they lose control of their bodies, which makes them very depressed. So many people will get depression and even lead to more serious events such as suicide. Doctors in hospitals know that such patients don't have to worry when their physical problems are not solved, but once their bodies begin to recover, something may happen. Because after the survival needs of the body are met, the rest is the needs of psychological achievement, and it will be difficult to accept that you have lost your function. Therefore, physical health is closely related to mental health and happiness. In addition, one year after the Wenchuan earthquake, a large number of survivors who had survived by luck committed suicide. This is obviously caused by psychological factors: because of the lack of "love and home" after losing relatives, I began to face this problem after the initial survival problem was solved, and committed suicide because I could not find a solution. This can't be solved by the government allocating funds to them. On the other hand, it shows that psychological and emotional needs are more important than actual material needs and can determine the happiness and happiness of life. The need to meet self-achievement is also reflected in the continuous improvement of their own abilities: when children's physical and thinking abilities are continuously improved and their knowledge is broader, their psychology is positive and positive, which proves that children are essentially willing to participate in learning. And children are actually very willing to participate in various competitive activities. The feeling of "winning" gave them great satisfaction. At the same time, the frustration of failure inspires them to make constant efforts and progress, which will last for a lifetime. Theoretically speaking, any individual can achieve great success as long as he finds an area where he is willing to keep working hard. At this time, the result of parents' overprotection is that children dare not face difficulties all their lives and are weak in character. Therefore, western education pays special attention to children's independent choice, and parents just try their best to help their children choose the best route. Education is to help children have the wisdom and ability to choose, not to force them to accept rigid knowledge. Because only in this way can children really devote themselves to it and make impressive achievements, so there are all kinds of talents and geniuses in the West. It's a pity that China's parents basically only care about their children's low-level material needs, ignoring their children's high-level needs. To make matters worse, parents often deprive their children of high-level needs, "satisfy" their children with low-level needs, instill a set of life values that violate the principle of psychological needs, and lead to mental illness in their children. For example, parents' general educational values for their children at present are: study hard, enter a good university in the future, find a good job, support themselves, buy a car and a house, marry and have children. This sounds normal on the surface, but it's actually ridiculous: because these stupid parents have turned a colorful and wonderful life with unlimited possibilities into an animal-like "survival and reproduction" need. If all the high-level psychological needs in Maslow's psychology are erased and only the lowest "survival needs" are used to "motivate" children, how can children have real enthusiasm for learning? Especially when children basically don't feel the "survival pressure", live comfortably and are satisfied with the full maintenance of their parents, this educational goal and incentive method is a joke to them, and they absolutely disagree with it in their bones. But they can't find the answer themselves, so they are "very depressed"! I can only muddle along day by day, and even find the internet and games to kill myself with these illusory games. This is the result of parents' wrong education. In fact, this low-level goal is more suitable for rural and poor families. Under the basic pressure of survival, they will have more desire and motivation to realize their basic survival needs than urban children, especially children from wealthy families.