1, the bowl is dropped and the head is big.

2, a literary evening, the host came to the stage and announced: the following appreciation: Xinjiang song and dance, lift your skull! Creepy-very scared

3, the tiger does not send a cat, you think I am critically ill!

When I was in high school, the classroom discipline was very chaotic. In a rage, the teacher picked up XXX and said, XXX, stand on the wall for me! ~ ~ The whole class is cold!

When I was driving, the female colleague sitting next to me suddenly asked, "Why don't you wear a condom when driving?"

Me: That's our physics teacher. . .

Classmate: What do you teach?

Me: Chemistry. . .

7. In the Internet cafe, a classmate suddenly raised his hand and shouted, "Teacher!"

8. One person in our dormitory drank too much urine and then brought out a cold sentence: if you drink too much urine, you will drink too much wine.

9, buy oranges, boss: one yuan and five pounds. Me: It's too expensive, five yuan and three Jin. Boss: no, no.

10, my friend asked me about the computer configuration, and I said that the monitor is a color screen. (I was going to say LCD)

1 1, junior high school art evening, grab the answering session.

Hostess: "Attention, everyone, don't grab it too fast." Please raise your hand when I finish. "

Then he began to look at the topic and said, "Now. . . "At this time, a player scrambled to answer.

The host said: "This classmate is a little too anxious. I' started' (shit) is still in my mouth, why did you rob me? "

12 I heard a MM shouting "Give me a bowl of vipers ~!"

13, at school

One day, my classmate called and handed it to me, saying, "Your mother * *."

As soon as I answered the phone, I casually said, "A man and a woman."

Everyone laughed wildly. I was laughed at for four years.

14, a classmate's high school classmate (a boy) walked into the noodle restaurant and shook his hair. "Boss, two onions don't want rice noodles!" After that, I added: "More rice noodles!" Boss: ". . . . Do you want rice noodles or onions? "

15, once my classmate's mother called me. I used to say "he's not here", but this time I wanted to say "he's out" and the result was: "he's ... gone"

16, gg handed me a sorbet, and I took a bite and shouted, "It's burning me!"

17, went to Li Ning to buy shoes with my sister. My sister said, "Miss, how much are these shoes?"

18, once I patted my roommate's stomach, she said loudly, "Stop patting, I have urine in my stomach."

19, everyone was given badges in high school. . Before a physical examination, the class teacher ran to the classroom and shouted, put on your bra and come to Zara. . The audience was silent. . .

20. Go home on weekends when you are at school. After dinner, I was addicted to cigarettes and planned to go for a walk on the pretext. When changing shoes at the door, my father asked me why I wanted to go. I casually said, "Go have a cigarette!" As a result, my father found a pack of 555 from me and gave me a good K.

2 1, a leader of the education bureau inspected the class exercises. After the end, the PE teacher should have announced "dissolution", but in a hurry, he forgot his words and held back for a long time, shouting "retreat!"

A 22-year-old high school teacher surnamed Jiang, much like (Tang priest in a Chinese Odyssey), I went to ask him questions and blurted out:

"Teacher Tang, this question ..."

23, a colleague, one day I was driving on the road and my tire was flat. I asked where there was an inflatable one. My colleague said, "The streets are everywhere.

It is abortion. "

24. A teacher played mahjong all night. Seeing that the blackboard had not been wiped, he was furious: "Who is the farmer today?" Don't clean the blackboard! "

25. Once my uncle saw my sister-in-law wearing a big treasure and suddenly shouted, "You have such good skin, why do you still use soothing treasure?"

26. When the teacher leaves homework, I copy others' if I can't do it, and then go to the office to hand in my homework. I saw the teacher say, "I copied it!" "

27. Once, we traveled to Huangshan Mountain, and the tour guide just introduced that the Hundred Steps Ladder is the scenic spot of Liu Xiaoqing. Suddenly, a member of our group blurted out: "Director …" Everyone fainted.

28. At that time, several female classmates came to my house to play. I'll get the water. They turn on the DVD player to watch movies. I heard Cantonese in the back room. Then I shouted to turn down the channel. The channel is wrong, and I am speechless. My face was red and purple ~ ~ I almost fainted ~ ~

29. In my high school, I go home with my MM after school. At the school gate, I saw a barbecue seller. MM said she wanted to eat beef offal. Because there were many seniors on the grill, I was afraid that the boss wouldn't hear me, so I shouted "Boss, five strings of bullwhip", and then there was silence. Three seconds later, everyone laughed together. I am so embarrassed. . . The most embarrassing thing is that MM then asked me, "What is a bullwhip?" I have to answer MM very, very quietly: "The bullwhip is the oxtail." .

30. quarreled with mm mobile phone. She turned up the TV so loudly that I was annoyed and said loudly, "Turn off the phone for me!" " Now that I think about it, it's cold!

3 1. Have breakfast with classmates in the morning. One of them only eats steamed buns, and the other only eats skins. We were just saying that they were wasting their time when two students who ate stuffing came over and said, "You can eat my foreskin when you are finished." All the porridge drinkers present poured out.

32. Tell a true story. On the factory bus to work, MM asked me: My computer is dying. I said: Then go back and check the virus, and remember to upgrade the antivirus software. MM: oh. The next morning, I saw MM on the bus again. I asked casually: Have you checked? Is the batter out? then ... . . . . . . . . MM said loudly: I am so angry. I checked for a long time and said it was not poisonous. What do you suggest? It was very cold then. . . . Fresh in my memory.

33. A classmate of my dormitory's high school classmate called. He said who to look for, I said I wasn't there, and then he said thank you.

34. In the past, others came to menstruation's house and just entered the door. It happened that my aunt was going to the bathroom. She hurriedly greeted the guests and said:

"Sit down, sit down, I'll go to the toilet and pour you some tea!"

35. In the past, we had a political economy teacher who was very fond of talking! I once talked about the strength of the dollar. He said, "Do you know why only the US dollar is called' Dollar', but you have never heard of it as' British Gold' or' French Gold'?"

36. During the military training in the university, the instructor shouted: aim at your side light ~ ~ ~ We want to laugh but dare not. It's pathetic. ....

37. The female classmate and her cousin invited me to dinner and asked me to eat more during the dinner. I don't know how I made the following mistake.

Error: "Thank you, I have no sexual desire recently. Eat more!" " "At that time, everyone was having a picnic. .

38. Our company has a car to go to work in the morning, because the car is not big. Once, a male colleague sitting next to me stood up and greeted her warmly and said, "So-and-so, sit on my ass!" " I laughed until I got off ~!

39. I used to be crazy about online games, and I often killed myself in Internet cafes. After the semester, I went home with a group of friends, and the train was about to leave, but we haven't found the platform yet. I suddenly said, "MD, why isn't there even a coordinate here?" ~ "The elder brothers burst into laughter after hearing this ~ ~

40. When I used to live on campus, I used to have bunk beds. The mobile phone needs to be recharged once. But there is only one socket in a bed, so reading with a lamp can't be recharged. As a result, A plugged the charger into B, and B wanted to listen to music at night. When he saw A's charger, he shouted, "Hey, I said, why do you always plug it into me?" Why don't you put it under you? "After a commotion, sweating like a pig ~ ~

4 1, when I was in college, a classmate argued with me, and I was at a disadvantage for a while. In desperation, I got up and shouted: You talk nonsense, I'm not stupid!

42. A friend of mine went on a blind date. When he came back, everyone asked him how he was. The buddy said: This girl is really rough. At noon, they walked into a beef noodle restaurant. The girl said loudly to the master: Hey, pull two bowls for Lamian Noodles's master and say: Do you want to eat? I eat and pull.

43. When I was a child, popsicles and ice cream were usually sold on bicycles. Once, I heard an aunt shouting in the house: New ice cream is selling well. (It is estimated that Auntie used to sell fried dough sticks. )

44. The roommate boiled water with hot water. After the water boiled, the fellow read leisurely and motionless. He couldn't stand it anymore and said, "Do you want to unplug it?" It's too noisy. . "No response. 15 seconds later, he added, "It's very hot there, so it's easy to break down all the time. " 。" Nothing happened. In half a minute, the water was completely boiled and splashed. "That what, shoot. Spit out a lot of things louder and louder, and if you insert them again, you are afraid it will harm people. . Are you sure you won't pull it? " . . . A thick book flies towards my head! ! ! ~

45. Our head teacher teaches senior three math ... When he reviews for us ~ Every time he draws a picture and a ray ~ ~ he says loudly ~ ~ ` Watch it, classmates ~ ~ I took it.

46. When I was in college, I went to Hengshan to play. I was halfway up the mountain. When I am tired, I want to have a rest. When I saw an Obasan buying souvenirs on the roadside, I went up to him and asked,' Wife …'

47. During the self-study class, everyone was watching the review. GG said to MM, "I just finished reciting the words, help me write them down." MM doesn't want to be silent, GG asks her, you (touch) me, (touch) me! ! As a result, MM couldn't stand it, shouting, teacher, you see I don't want to (touch) him, but he insisted that I (touch) him ~ ~! ! !

48. One day I went to my classmate's house for dinner and drank some wine. Her father suddenly came in. He wanted to call uncle, but he made a mistake and said, "Dad, come and sit down!" " ~ ~ cold! A bunch of classmates laughed to death.

49. My colleague had a quarrel with someone and opened his mouth in a hurry. "Do you think I grew up eating?" I've always wondered what he grew up eating. '

50. When I was in primary school, a very annoying boy asked me to borrow an eraser. If I don't borrow it, he will pester me and hit me. Then I shouted with all my strength, "I won't marry (borrow) you." At that time, the students immediately calmed down.

5 1. Once in ktv, I ordered a song, and a mm shouted: Give me a stick chop of "Double Jielun" every week. ......

52. My brother was poisoned by women since he was a child. One day, he got his mouth dirty while eating ~ He shouted to me ~ Sister ~ Give me some sanitary napkins ~ ~ At that time, he was only 1 1 year old ~ ~ ~

53. I work in a shopping mall, and I am in charge of art design, that is, stacking goods into beautiful shapes. This kind of work is called "overlapping heads". Once I went to check and saw a pile collapsed. I was very angry and shouted: Whose glans is this ~ ~ ~ ~

54, my father, once hosted a program of the unit, and the opening remarks were very good. As a result, because I was nervous, I was going to say: The first person to play next is … "and I said" The first person to go to bed is … ". There was an uproar at the bottom ~ ~ ~

55. When I was in primary school, I was called by my teacher to read the text. That class seems to be called My Father Li Dazhao. As a result, I successfully finished reading My Father Li Dadao, and the whole class burst into laughter.

56. Our department rehearsed this program at the end of the year. A colleague wears glasses like Harry Potter, but only the frame has no lenses. Another colleague asked her loudly, are you only wearing an eye socket? So the program laughed.

57. Go to buy sanitary napkins with colleagues in the office and say loudly to the boss, come and tidy up your menstruation! ! The boss stood there, and she repeated it twice in a row. I bought two packs of menstruation! ! The boss asked cautiously, do you want to buy sanitary napkins? My colleagues immediately felt ashamed.

58. I went to eat hot pot with a group of people. My friend is a man in a hurry. He wanted to talk about Chinese cabbage and kelp, but as soon as he opened his mouth, he said, leucorrhea,,,, Everyone didn't eat much that night and laughed most of the time.

59. Once I went to buy rhubarb, and when I got to the Pharmacopoeia, I told my boss loudly that I wanted to buy some marijuana. . . The boss said with trepidation, "We don't sell this kind of thing,,,, I asked, and he said where he didn't know?" . . . I think something is wrong, so ask quickly, what did I just ask you to buy? He said, marijuana,,,, Oh,

Yesterday morning, a mouse strayed into a flower shop and was chased by a cat. The mouse found that there was no way out, so he picked up a rose and prepared to resist. When the cat saw it, it immediately lowered its head and said in shame, you damn fool, it's so sudden. Why didn't you say so earlier? I've been chasing you for n years!

Two frogs fell in love. After they got married, they gave birth to a clam. When the male frog saw this, he was furious and said, bitch, what's the matter? Mother frog cried and said, Dad, I had plastic surgery before I met you.

(3) Xiao Lv asked the old donkey: Why do we eat hay every day, while cows eat concentrated feed? The old donkey sighed, we can't compete with men. We eat by running errands, and others eat by breasts!

The dog said to the bear, marry me and you will be happy. The bear said, I won't marry. If I marry you, I will only have a bear. If I marry a cat, I will have a panda. That would be noble!

⑤ The old turtle molested the mussel and was bitten. The old turtle dragged the mussels back and forth reluctantly. When the frog saw it, he said with admiration, dear, Brother Tortoise has grown up and has a briefcase in and out.

Bees chase butterflies, but butterflies marry snails. The bee doesn't understand: where is he better than me? Butterfly replied: people at least have their own house, unlike you who live in a dormitory.

All landowners heaven tanabata cancellation notice:

notification

We have just received a notice from the Jade Emperor that the Cowherd and the Weaver Girl fell off the magpie bridge because of excessive excitement, and the Qixi Festival was cancelled. Please tell each other.

Paradise on Earth Office (with official seal)

The celestial calendar is July 7th, 18002 (every calendar is July 3rd, 20061).

Answer: Baby _ I miss you so much-Magician Level 4 8-22 10:53

A wonderful ghost story:/BBS/U/32/1123031090.swf.

Interviewee: I'm not Jay Chou _-Assistant Level 3 8-22 10:56.

Uh, recommend the latest:

The most classic dialogue [hilarious]

God: Give you a pair of hands and teach you how to create.

Me: But I only learned-begging.

God: Give you a pair of eyes and teach you how to find out.

Me: But I only learned-look around.

God: Give you a brain and teach you how to think.

Me: But I only learned to sleep.

God: Give you a mouth and teach you to shout slogans.

Me: But I only learned-funny.

God finally got angry and said, why are you holding what I gave you?

Always fooling around, always funny, always learning badly!

I finally got angry and said, why did you steal my ribs?

Why can't you catch women running around?

God gave a shock and passed out. ...

///////I just saw the following jokes about mental illness on the Internet, which made me laugh. Now I recommend five supplements to you:

I'm crazy (joke)

( 1)

A patient came to see a psychiatrist.

Patient: I always thought I was a bird.

Doctor: Oh, that's serious. When did it start?

Patient: Because I am a bird. ...

(2)

A doctor in a mental hospital asked the patient, What would you do if I cut off one of your ears?

The patient replied, then I can't hear you.

The doctor listened: mm-hmm, it's normal.

The doctor asked again, what will happen to you if I cut off your other ear again?

The patient replied, then I won't watch it.

The doctor is getting nervous. How could he not see it?

The patient replied: because the glasses will fall off.

(3)

Two mental patients escaped from the hospital.

They ran and climbed a tree.

One of them jumped from the tree and rolled and rolled.

Then he looked up and said to the man above, hey, why don't you come down?

The man above answered him: No-OK-Ah-I'm not familiar with it. ...

(4)

There is an old lady in a mental hospital. She wears black clothes and holds a black umbrella every day, squatting at the gate of a mental hospital.

The doctor thought: to cure her, we must start from understanding her.

So the doctor also wore black clothes, took a black umbrella and squatted there with her.

They were silent for a month, and the old lady finally said to the doctor, are you fragrant, too?

Mushrooms?

(5)

When a mental hospital heard that the leader was coming to the hospital to inspect the situation, the dean called the patients together for a meeting. At the meeting, the dean preached:

"This afternoon, there are very important leaders coming to visit, and everyone will go to the door to meet them. At the time of welcome

There are patients standing on both sides of the hospital gate, so stand neatly. When I cough, everyone applauds together. The warmer the better.

Good; When I stamp my foot, I must stop completely. I can't make mistakes. If everyone is ready, we can give it tonight.

Everyone eats meat buns. As long as one person screws up, everyone has no buns to eat, remember? "

The patients in the audience shouted together: "Remember!"

This afternoon, the leader arrived on time.

When he stepped into the gate, the patient who welcomed him was already standing at the door.

At this time, as the dean coughed, all the patients applauded together, and the atmosphere was very warm.

Infected by the warm atmosphere, the visiting leaders smiled and applauded with everyone and entered the hospital.

Seeing that the leader had entered the hospital, the dean stamped his foot and the applause stopped completely, very neatly.

Only this leader is still smiling and clapping, and the dean is very satisfied.

Suddenly, a patient as strong as Schwarzenegger jumped out of the welcome crowd, strode to the leader and gave him a round.

Gave him a big slap in the face and shouted angrily, "You don't want to eat steamed bread?"

1, congratulations! Your wife just gave birth to a big fat boy in the hospital. You've been out for more than two years, and you don't go home to have a look.

One day, I went on an adventure with you and met a troll. He smells you first, then smells me, and then chooses to eat me. I thought it was unfair, so I asked him why. He said it belonged to the Hui people!

3. A man was drunk and went home by bus. The driver is a lady. The man took off his clothes when he got on the bus. The female driver questioned his behavior, but he was frightened: "What are you doing in my house? I have a wife! "

4. A man said sadly to his drinking buddy, "I didn't expect my wife to cheat on me. She told me that she was with her sister last night, but in fact, I was with her sister last night! "

5. Daughter: "Someone introduced me to an object. His father is the director, his uncle works in the foreign trade department, and his uncle works as a manager in Hong Kong! " Mother: "The conditions are really good, so who are you going to marry?"

6. A plane flew over a mental hospital. Suddenly, the driver burst out laughing, and the stewardess asked curiously, "Why are you laughing so happily?" Driver: "If they know I ran away, they will be mad!" " "

7. Boss: "Why are you late today? Shop assistant: "Because you announced yesterday that you can only read newspapers at home. 」

8. Mother and daughter visit their daughter's boyfriend's art exhibition. Mother found one of the nude portraits of her daughter, so she asked, "You didn't paint him nude, did you?" "Oh, no," the daughter replied. "He drew it from memory."

9. A farmer in a county who feeds pig swill every day was fined 1 10,000 yuan by the Animal Protection Association for cruelty to animals. Later, the farmer changed to feed the pigs with Saussurea involucrata, and was fined 1 10,000 yuan by the Animal Protection Association for wasting food. One day, the leader visited again and asked the farmers what to feed the pigs. The farmer said, "I don't know what to feed." Now I give it 100 yuan every day and let it go out to eat by itself. "

I'm not Jay Chou. You want to die. That's disgusting! Scared to death. Have you ever tasted life?

This man is old and loves to fart. He used to fart three times a day, please!

But since there is a new cover, the top cover is high and the fart is high, and a fart is the top five!

The waist is no longer sore, and the legs are no longer painful!

High-pressure fart, fruit flavor, a fart boom on the fifth floor, effortless!