This book reveals the meaning of communication and understanding everywhere. It transcends the limitations of the times, helps us explore the essence of love and leads us to live a brand-new, quiet and rich life. It helps us learn to love and be independent; It teaches us to be more capable and understanding parents. In the final analysis, it tells us how to find our true self.
As said at the beginning: Life is full of hardships. Scott Peck made us more clear: life is a hard journey, and the journey of mental maturity is quite long.
However, he didn't scare us. On the contrary, he led us through a series of difficult and even painful changes, and finally reached a higher level of self-awareness.
Brief introduction of the author
Scott Peck (Mr. Scott Peck)
Graduated from Harvard University with master's and doctor's degrees. He has been engaged in psychotherapy for a long time and achieved outstanding results. He is known as "an outstanding psychologist in the contemporary era".
He once joined the government psychotherapy task force to provide treatment for Vietnam War soldiers. He also worked as a psychologist at the US military base in Okinawa, Japan.
These special professional experiences have made his masterpiece "The Road Few People Walk" series.
Jinghua Du Jie
The following content is the essence of the book The Road Few People Walk, for the reference of book lovers. Welcome to share. It shall not be used for commercial purposes without permission.
catalogue
First of all, self-discipline is the most important tool to solve life problems.
1. Disdiscipline
2. The four principles of self-discipline
Second, love-the will to constantly broaden the boundaries of self and improve self.
1. What is love?
2. Fall in love and set limits on yourself
3. None of this is love.
4. Expression of love
Third, briefly introduce faith and grace.
Upper guide bearing
First of all, self-discipline is the most important tool to solve life problems.
Life is full of hardships, because life is a process of constantly facing and solving problems. However, facing and solving problems is actually the source of pain in life, so many people will procrastinate and be lazy, but the problems still exist, and avoiding them will only double the problems.
Self-discipline is the most important tool to solve life problems and the most important method to eliminate life pain.
Only by actively asking ourselves to endure pain and solve problems can pain become the knowledge and experience we have learned, and we can overcome one hurdle after another in life and move towards the other side of maturity.
Let's follow the author's analysis of self-discipline from "non-self-discipline" and "four principles of self-discipline" and move closer to self-discipline.
1. Disdiscipline
1. Delay, hoping that the problem will disappear automatically;
2 turn a blind eye to the problem, pretend not to exist, and tide over the difficulties by temporary perfunctory;
(3) abusing drugs or paralyzing yourself with alcohol, drugs and other addictive substances in an attempt to temporarily forget the problem and get rid of it;
④ Neurosis is the most common escape direction.
2. The four principles of self-discipline
(1) Delay satisfied
Do you like cream or cake embryo to eat cake?
Which part will you eat first?
Is the troublesome thing to be solved actively or delayed first?
So, you should understand. It is not an act of delaying gratification to only pay attention to the comfort and happiness of the present without bringing benefits or even harm to the long-term future.
In order to rob people for a while, they are not satisfied for a long time; Children are playful and just want to stop it as soon as possible, but they have no patience to understand. They just yell or swear.
So what behaviors are delayed gratification?
In order to lose weight, it is necessary to refrain from eating the chocolate cake in front of you.
In order to play fluent music, it is necessary to spend time practicing the piano every day.
So is giving up the idea of settling down temporarily in order to be with the right person.
How does parenting education affect "delayed satisfaction"?
If parents are not self-disciplined, drink and smoke in front of their children and have no self-control, children will follow suit.
If parents know self-discipline and lead an orderly life, children will take this life for granted.
It is very important for parents to care for their children. If children don't get enough sense of security from childhood, it is easy to fall into the behavior pattern of "drinking today, getting drunk today" when they grow up, and seize all the happiness that can be grasped.
Cultivating children's self-discipline requires parents to invest enough time, patience and energy to care for their children and let them realize their sense of value.
(2) Take responsibility
We must face up to the problem, which is the basic premise to solve the problem.
Taking too much responsibility for yourself is not conducive to solving problems, but it is easy to stop. This extreme is suffering from neurosis; Of course, shirking responsibility will not help solve the problem, and the extreme is suffering from personality disorder.
The only effective way to solve the problem is to face the problem directly, make clear the scope of responsibility that you can make a difference and put it into practice.
Cases of neurosis and personality disorder
(1) "lonely" officer's wife.
An officer's wife suffers from neurosis. She drives to the military club every day, hoping to make new friends. But the wives of other soldiers don't want to be with her. She thinks there must be something wrong with herself, maybe she is too introverted. She felt uneasy about it.
However, after treatment, it was found that her IQ was higher than ordinary people and her dedication to work was stronger than others, which was the reason why she could not get along with other military wives. Loneliness is not her fault.
(2) "unfortunate" parents
Parents with personality disorders often reprimand their children like this:
"If it weren't for you, I would have divorced your father!"
"Your mother is nervous, it's all your fault!"
"If we hadn't taken care of you, we would have finished college smoothly and done something really important!"
In a word, "my misfortune" is caused by you children!
(3) Be loyal to the facts
We are born ignorant of the world, and life experiences are like maps drawn by ourselves the day after tomorrow, guiding our future life.
Out-of-date life maps will make us cling to past experiences and routines, so that we often ignore the facts in front of us, thus failing to solve problems effectively.
For example, change to a new company, or apply the work model and interpersonal communication of the previous company. The result is that I can't integrate into the new environment, and I am afraid all day.
For example, those who used to sell shoes and now sell coffins still use the previous model to sell, saying, "Long time no see, buy big and give small, see if it is suitable." result ...
The author Scott defines empathy as the act of copying the patterns of doing things produced and applied in childhood into the environment of adulthood, even if these patterns are no longer applicable. This is an expired "life curse map".
The reason to break through empathy is to consider solutions from the perspective of "solving problems first" and reduce unnecessary persistence losses.
Being loyal to the facts also means that we must dare to accept external questions and challenges, and allow others to check whether our maps are out of date.
But white lies are allowed when they are really good for each other.
(4) keep balance
You should take the pursuit of honesty as your responsibility. In some cases, you need to hide some facts and truth. You should not only bear the responsibility, but also refuse the responsibility you shouldn't bear; You should not only learn to delay satisfaction, but also try your best to live your present life. ...
Maintaining balance is a comment on the above three principles. Maintaining balance means establishing a flexible restraint mechanism. In order to make your mind mature, you must keep a delicate balance between conflicting needs, goals and responsibilities.
Remember, the highest principle of maintaining balance is "giving up".
Giving up in time is the fundamental rule to avoid imbalance.
Second, love-the will to constantly broaden the boundaries of self and improve self.
1. What is love?
Love is the driving force of self-discipline.
Love is a kind of consciousness that constantly expands self-boundaries, realizes self-perfection, and promotes the mental maturity of oneself and others.
2. Fall in love and set limits on yourself
Establishment of (1) Self-boundary
(2) falling in love
Falling in love is a sudden collapse of a certain part of the self-boundary, feeling integrated with others and omnipotent like a child, so I am very excited, but this is only a temporary collapse of the self-boundary.
Only by calming down and finding each other's problems can we understand that our boundaries are not integrated and our self-boundaries are closed again.
(3) the expansion of self-boundary
When we step out of our comfort zone and work hard for one thing, the boundaries of ourselves begin to extend outward. With continuous efforts, this extended state has gradually stabilized, and the self-boundary has expanded permanently, realizing our self-growth.
(4) the experience of true love
True love is a self-expanding experience, so it is closely related to self-boundary.
In the process of love, we feel that our soul extends infinitely and rushes to the object we love. We are eager to nourish each other and hope that each other can grow.
In order to realize this promise, we began to drive ourselves to make efforts to achieve self-discipline. Through such self-discipline, we pay and solve problems, so as to realize the growth of self-experience and the widening of self-boundary. Therefore, love is the driving force of self-discipline.
3. None of this is love.
(1) Fall in love ≠ Fall in love
Because falling in love is not out of planned and conscious subjective judgment.
Because falling in love doesn't require hard work, there is no real expansion of self-boundaries.
Falling in love can eliminate loneliness, but it can't promote the mind purposefully.
The essence of falling in love is sexual desire triggered by reproductive instinct.
(2) excessive dependence on love
"I can't live without Ta" is a kind of parasitic psychology, not love. Symptoms include unbearable loneliness, a strong sense of emptiness, and taking losing a partner as an extremely horrible thing.
(3) Spiritual concern ≠ love
Spiritual concern that cannot nourish the soul is not love. Love for money, power, pets and gardening is called "love". If you increase your knowledge and broaden your horizons in these hobbies, it is love; Otherwise, it is not love.
(4) self-sacrifice ≠ love
The giver does not recognize the truth of love, and often takes "love" as a cover, just to satisfy his own desire to pay, and does not take the other person's mental maturity seriously.
Love is a verb and must be put into action.
Wanting love, feeling and verbal love are not equal to love.
4. Expression of love
(1) attention
Listen carefully and help each other grow.
2 Not afraid of risks.
Don't give up love for fear of losing.
③ independence
Keep yourself independent and allow your partner to be independent.
④ Full investment
Driven by commitment, continuous or increasing investment is the cornerstone of love.
⑤ Be diligent in introspection and communicate on an equal footing.
When encountering contradictions and conflicts, put forward ideas appropriately instead of criticizing them at will.
⑥ Know how to be self-disciplined.
Know how to restrain the energy of love, do not love too much, do not cheat, and have a sense of responsibility for your partner and children.
Third, briefly introduce faith and grace.
It is not our proper attitude to blindly believe that religious belief is helpful or harmful to personal psychological maturity and health.
It varies from person to person and from thing to thing. The blessings and miracles in life often make science speechless, but they are not the opposite of science, and they are unfounded decisions.
In religious stories, we can also find some truth. ...
In the Bible, we read that Adam and Eve, the ancestors of mankind, were driven out of the Garden of Eden because they were bewitched by snakes, violated God's rules and ate the fruits of wisdom.
In this initial event of human disobedience, we found such a bug:
God likes to walk in the Garden of Eden at dusk. He loves human beings very much and the communication between them is open. So why did Adam and Eve "steal" the forbidden fruit after listening to the strange snake, instead of communicating with God and fighting for the forbidden fruit by "legal" means?
Skimming away the complicated shell of the story itself, we can easily find the essence of this matter-it is a lazy thing.
In order to satisfy immediately, Adam and Eve selectively ignored the problems and contradictions, and were lazy to solve the problems head-on, which led to great disaster.
In this story, we can also find that their fear of God and fear of the trouble and pain of facing problems are the deep-seated reasons for this laziness.
Handed down from generation to generation from human ancestors, we are still like this-
We are too lazy to solve the problem at once. Laziness is still the biggest obstacle to self-discipline.
The root cause of this laziness is fear of all kinds of challenges, pains and difficulties that must be faced when solving problems.
conclusion
Some aspects of self-discipline can only solve some problems, and comprehensive self-discipline can solve all problems in life.
Inherent and ubiquitous laziness often makes us unable to cope, succumbing to temporary comfort and enjoyment, and hinders us from developing a more mature mind.
Xiu Yuan has a long way to go, so we should always remind ourselves to give up our immediate enjoyment, postpone our satisfaction, be brave in taking responsibility, take the initiative to join the core of the problem, clarify the facts and solve the problem in time.
What do you think is right, what you need, what you must accomplish ... why not start now?