In my teacher's words, I used to be a constrained super producer. I was a good boy at home when I was a child, and I was obedient and sensible in the eyes of adults. After work, I am a good colleague in the eyes of the leaders. I am conscientious and responsive, and I have achieved great success again and again. But I'm the only one who thinks something is wrong. I feel unhappy, unhappy. Even if I achieve the achievement or leadership that others dream of, I often feel that this is not what I want. After success, I am just empty and confused, not the direction I want. I am ambivalent. On the one hand, the expectation and encouragement from the leaders of family and friends are my motivation. On the other hand, my inner whisper tells me that this is not the life I want. There has always been a personality in my heart who wants to get rid of the secular world and yearn for the life of "picking chrysanthemums under the hedge and seeing Nanshan leisurely". I just want to be with Qingshan and keep company with heaven and earth. But the reality is still struggling, because I just became a successful person in the eyes of others, without live high. Once my dream was to be able to do what I really love after retirement. Now I spend all my spare time being myself. I know my life has changed and I am on the right path.
The teacher said that the projector can do things quickly and well. Yes, I feel the same way. For several years, it's almost my normal state. I asked myself to be a blockbuster. I tend to be perfectionist. Many things that others think are great, but I am still not satisfied with myself. Once I promise to work, I will try my best to be perfect. I am a determined energy projector. Once you start, you will be tireless, almost more and more energetic, until you stop. Perhaps it is for this reason that I was in poor health in those years. I am very tired when I come home from work every day, but I can't stand what my family has done and I can't control myself. As a result, although things were done well, it hurt the family's heart and tired the body. My health was overdrawn by carelessness. Now, I have slowly learned to let go, learn to delegate power, and learn to accept the imperfections of myself and others.
Another feature of me is that I feel lonely and unsociable. I feel alienated from the crowd. For example, when I was young, I often felt that boys of the same age were naive. When others feel happy and lively, but others don't understand what I am interested in, I feel meaningless. I remember when I was a child, I often sat alone in front of the window and watched the sun shine into the window and project it into the dust in the air. My grandmother always asks me to go out to play. Go out and play with other children, hehe. Actually, I like being alone. I can stop and pick flowers in the field alone. Doby cats can spend an afternoon, or I can immerse myself in the ocean of books for an afternoon. I think the problem is profound and hits the nail on the head. In high school, the Chinese teacher praised me again and again for my composition and some philosophical personal opinions that analyzed the phenomenon between classes at that time. When I grow up, I can't understand many conventional entertainment ways or phenomena in society. After the experience, I always want to avoid it. My husband sometimes calls me withdrawn, and I think I have a problem. Now I understand, I just prefer to travel in my own spiritual world. For material things, I have no worries about food and clothing, and sparrows know the ambition of swans!
I learn things quickly and well, but I especially need the encouragement of my family. I want to be seen and praised. However, I live in a family that doesn't know how to express love and encouragement, but is good at beating and belittling. Therefore, when I was young, I gradually became very inferior and didn't know my own goodness and beauty. My heart began to get dark. When I grow up, I become selfish, suspicious and suspicious, because I feel that I am not good enough, unloved and want to control, which makes me suffer a lot in the first few years of my emotional life. Later, I vowed not to live like this, and I would find myself again. So, from the book "Meeting Unknown Oneself" written by Zhang Defen, I embarked on the journey of returning to my soul.
The projector can easily realize a wish. As long as I can think, I can do it, and I can do it well. As Mr. Hai Xin said in his class, if I see someone who feels good about something and wants to be him, then I have succeeded by 90%, and the other 10% is an unsustainable short board. However, my wish is not the simple name and benefit that everyone wants. Unless I think something meets the standard of meaning in my mind, I am dismissive, so I often make people feel that I am lofty, out of touch with the world, or labeled as being out of line and grounded. As a projector, I love studying and reading very much. When I was young, I wanted to do this for a while and that for a while. Grandpa always said I was enthusiastic for three minutes. Now that I think about it, I may lack the support of Mr. Haixin, but after so many years, especially after work, I have gradually found what I really want and persisted, that is, learning different kinds of knowledge that I am interested in. I want to make up for the lack of love and personal interest caused by my family environment when I was a child. When I stopped worrying about my livelihood and other people's opinions, I finally began to really live the life I wanted. Use what you have learned to become a luminous body and a blooming love. A person who is rich inside and rich outside illuminates himself and others.