The way for mother-in-law and daughter-in-law to get along is 1. Keep a moderate distance.
What is a guest? There are some things you can say and some things you can't say between you and him. The most important thing between mother-in-law and daughter-in-law is to grasp the degree. If you are too far away, you will lose your feelings. If you are too close, it is easy to break up.
Therefore, it is best for mother-in-law and daughter-in-law not to live under the same roof, and they must live separately if conditions permit. You get along like guests, you don't need to be too close, you should also consider the interests of your colleagues, and keep a moderate distance to make everyone feel comfortable.
2. We must treat each other with courtesy.
Whether the mother-in-law treats her daughter-in-law or the daughter-in-law treats her mother-in-law, she should maintain a respectful and polite attitude like a guest. It won't be so rude to the guests, and it will also maintain the demeanor of the host.
Daughter-in-law goes home on holiday, or mother-in-law visits her son's daughter-in-law, treating each other as guests and treating each other with courtesy can reduce many contradictions.
Step 3 mind your own business
Your daughter-in-law's bad habits, such as shopping, watching Korean dramas, playing mobile phones, not washing clothes and cooking, poor hygiene habits, not caring about cleaning and taking care of children, are none of your business.
That's between your son and her. Your son's business has nothing to do with you. He's really an adult. Treat your daughter-in-law as a guest, not a guest directly.
4. look down on everything
When you treat your daughter-in-law as a guest, no matter what she does to make you angry, you just need to think that she is just a guest and can't influence your decision; You are also a guest in front of her, and you can't change her mind.
Look down on each other's position in their own hearts, look down on each other's behavior, in order to truly justify, advance and retreat properly.
Try to let them take care of their children by themselves.
Grandson's parents are your son's daughter-in-law, not your husband. Parenting from generation to generation is not ideal. Try to let them take care of the children themselves, especially don't deprive the daughter-in-law of the right to raise the children. No matter how much they don't like it, they have to bear the consequences.
6. Mind your own business
Some mothers-in-law cook and wash clothes with their children for their sons and daughters-in-law, and even decorate their own houses. However, even though you have paid so much, you are still not respected.
No matter the elder or the younger generation, they all have their own things to do, each doing his own job and not interfering with each other's ideas. Just like treating guests, whether you want to be a host or a host, you can't ask guests to make decisions for you!
After all, there will always be a knot in one's heart between mother-in-law and daughter-in-law, even if they quarrel with their own son, let alone their daughter-in-law.
It is better to learn to treat customers, be polite but not alienated, be polite but not flattering, be independent but not blindly obedient, be indifferent but not jealous.
In fact, everyone is a passer-by in your life. We don't have to be too serious except our wife who will accompany you for life.
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7. Causes of contradiction
First, mother-in-law and daughter-in-law have the same concerns, but their values are quite different.
The time between mother-in-law and daughter-in-law is almost second only to that between husband and wife, but they can't choose each other completely independently. In most cases, they can only choose semi-passively.
Assuming that everyone's values are a circle, two people can get along well if their circles overlap more than half. It is conceivable that the coincidence rate of mother and son, husband and wife is mostly above half, but the coincidence rate of mother-in-law and daughter-in-law is also above half, so the probability is very low. Their same status in the family makes them have the same concerns, such as housework and raising children. The same concerns and low coincidence rate of values are inevitable.
Secondly, even if the values between mother-in-law and daughter-in-law are close, it is not without contradictions. Some respondents mentioned evolutionary psychology before, and I tend to use it to explain it. In other words, everyone's biological instinct tends to preserve and pass on their genes, including acquired values. This is the so-called selfish gene. Even though mother-in-law and daughter-in-law share the same values of family care, unfortunately, their homes are different. For a mother-in-law, her son has half her genes, but her other son, brothers and sisters, nephews and nieces all have their own genes, so it is reasonable to sacrifice her son to take care of other family members to some extent, which will help her keep her genes. But for the daughter-in-law, this is not the case at all. Her husband, brothers and sisters and relatives of her mother-in-law have nothing to do with her. Without a trace of the genes she carries, her daughter-in-law is unwilling to help them in biology. Even if she helps them out of social identity, her degree is far less than that of blood. Contradictions are inevitable.
To sum up, mother-in-law and daughter-in-law have the same status in the family, so they have the same concerns. They need long-term and high-frequency contact and communication, but the probability of their values being consistent is not high. Besides, they are not related by blood. From a genetic point of view, they will also have disputes about their own gene preservation, and it is difficult to compromise. All these make the contradiction between mother-in-law and daughter-in-law extremely complicated and difficult to solve.
What should I do if my mother-in-law and daughter-in-law are in conflict? First, even relatives should draw a clear line.
Draw a clear line with your daughter-in-law, you can talk within the bottom line, but as long as you go beyond the bottom line, you can only be reasonable. A few questions that my mother-in-law can't ask: How is your sex life with my son? Have you been getting along well recently? Can you earn enough money to send my grandson to a private school? Mother-in-law can ask about the general situation of marriage, but never ask about privacy.
Second, learn to respect each other, the daughter-in-law also said? No? On the right.
Of course, it is natural to respect the elders, but the younger generation also has the right to refuse. Never rely on your age and experience to interfere too much in the private lives of young people and force them to do things according to their own wishes.
Third, speak openly and humbly.
The relationship between mother-in-law and daughter-in-law is different from that of ordinary friends. Don't expect the other party to open up to you and solve the problem after the problem happens. Always take the initiative to ask each other and express your thoughts and love.
Fourth, care about the feelings of husbands and children.
You know, after the mother-in-law has a problem, the most uncomfortable thing is the husband caught in the middle. When sharing their worries, mother-in-law and daughter-in-law should draw a clear line and not reveal the privacy between husband and wife.
Fifth, we should maintain respect for their respective roles.
The wife should understand her role and function, and the mother-in-law should also know what role she should play in the family. Both sides have their own duties and don't interfere too much.
The sixth mother-in-law doesn't make random comments, especially on the issue of raising children.
My mother-in-law should create a relaxed and loving environment for everyone. Suggestions on marriage, work and raising children can be summarized by the attitude of elders, but how to raise and educate children depends on the wishes of the couple themselves.
Both mother-in-law and daughter-in-law should have an objective expectation of their relationship.
It is an eternal fact that the relationship between mother-in-law and daughter-in-law is difficult. This expectation should not be too high, and certainly not too low. Make it clear that the mother-in-law is not a mother and the daughter-in-law is not a daughter. You can't expect your mother-in-law to be your own mother, and you shouldn't imagine your mother-in-law as a particularly annoying kinship from the beginning.
What are the reasons for the disharmony between mother-in-law and daughter-in-law? 1. The relationship between mother-in-law and daughter-in-law has been defined as bad since ancient times and is difficult to deal with. Moreover, the relationship between mother-in-law and daughter-in-law in TV series is all an allusion to the relationship between mother-in-law and daughter-in-law, so people use this old habit to know mother-in-law and daughter-in-law. But in fact, TV dramas are all exaggerated versions, and the relationship between mother-in-law and daughter-in-law is not that difficult to get along with, if you don't have those prejudices from the beginning.
2, the mother-in-law is not easy to provoke, this is true. But who is really annoying? As a married daughter-in-law, you should know what your mother-in-law is like from the day you decide to marry her son. You came to this house, you didn't come to make trouble. So many times you have to think about it, get to know each other better, and get to know each other better, instead of thinking about it.
Now my mother-in-law is very open-minded, and she will force you to have children. This is an ancient concept. Your idea probably comes from TV series, but it's not that serious in reality. Nowadays, medical technology is developed, life pressure is high, and times are different, and my mother-in-law will follow suit.
As the saying goes, love me, love my dog, and my mother-in-law and daughter-in-law should actually love each other. Daughter-in-law should thank her mother-in-law for raising her husband personally, and her mother-in-law should also think of this woman who dedicated her youth to her son and take care of her son in the future. If the daughter-in-law and mother-in-law in the world can get along with each other in such a state of mind, don't regard each other as opponents, as imaginary enemies, but as benefactors.
Mother-in-law always emphasizes the legitimacy of feelings, while daughter-in-law emphasizes the truth of feelings, so they parted ways and often caused disputes. My daughter-in-law always thinks that I married your family because I love your son, not because of you. There is no friendship between us. You didn't raise me. This is just an obligation, not a necessity. My mother-in-law thinks that you are already a member of our family when you marry into it. As a family, you should be good to me. You should act like a daughter-in-law. So both sides are not satisfied.