Prologue: Today, the two of us will perform the double reed. It's interesting to say this double reed. One person needs to perform in front and the other person needs to say the lines behind. Seen from a distance, it looks like a person. This requires two people's performances to be very tacit and very cooperative, otherwise the double spring will not be called double spring. Come on, come on, put on your makeup. As the saying goes, people wear clothes and saddles, people are unsuccessful and people are not beautiful. After this man succeeds, let's take a look again. It is better not to succeed! Next, we will bring you a new work called "Happiness Makes Sadness". I hope you like it!
A: The city of life is precious, but the price of love is higher. In order to earn RMB, I am willing to become a shemale. I haven't introduced myself. My surname is Zhao, nicknamed Zhao shemale. Friends present will call me by my nickname when they see me later. Ask me what my nickname is and tell everyone that my nickname is shemale. I am a shemale, I am a shemale, am I really a shemale? (Stop, stop! ! You come out, how can I come out in your mouth and become an adult demon? Am I a shemale?
Sorry, never, never!
My surname is Zhao, and my name is Zhao Zhixiang. The media said that I look very special and my face looks like slippers. Because of this, many singers sang a popular song for me for this reason, which quickly became popular. It was Rollin Wang who sang "I am not Zhao Zhongxiang" with such great influence. Thank you (stop! Is this a song sung by Rollin Wang? People sing "I am not Huang Rong", what kind of cultural performance is this! Never! ) My job is selling. I have unique skills in selling products. I talk glibly, speak straight, and finally I act like a spoiled brat if I can't do it. My biggest feature is my good health. I have never been to a hospital in my life. Yesterday, I went out to sell, targeted one, and said I wouldn't buy my product for a long time. I walked more than 300 miles with him and finally sold a bottle of brain black essence, which was mentioned in the entry and won the first prize in the first sales essay competition of Guangxi University of Finance and Economics. To celebrate the success of the promotion, I took a bite. Yeah! Doctor! Cut off your appendix! ! how much is it?
B: Two thousand!
A: 2000! Ah! Doctor! Don't cut your appendix with that knife! You came straight here! I will give you my whole life!
B: So you said a lot of money?
A: 80 at most!
B: Eighty! All right! 80 is 80!
Oh, my God! Cheap! ! 2000 was counteroffered to 80 by me! Do you want to pay for everything you bought? 80 yuan, cut your appendix! I chopped the fish head yesterday for more than 80 yuan! Tomorrow I'm going to call the whole family together to have my appendix cut! There are 80 doctors here! Hurry up! Hurry up! Under pressure!
B: How hot is it? Strike while the iron is hot! I'm in surgery! Get ready! Ah! By the way, do you want anesthetic?
Oh, my God! You want to kill the pig. Why? Nowadays, you have to use anesthetic to kill pigs! Why don't you kill me!
B: You only have 80 yuan! Where is the anesthetic?
A: It's anesthetized! Why don't you get anesthetized! If I'm not anesthetized, my screams will kill me!
B: Anesthetic! Then 800 yuan takes a shot!
A: 800! Doctor, what are you doing? Still want to play XO
B: imported anesthetic! Local anesthesia!
B: Doctor, is that brand of anesthetic so powerful?
Answer: Smile Jiuquan brand anesthetic, it feels like death after playing, and it's gone.
Doctor, do you have anything cheaper?
A: There are all cheap ones! The effect is not guaranteed! When you wake up, you wake up. Where you should be numb, you are not numb. Where you should not be anesthetized, you have been anesthetized for a long time! It is irresponsible of me to affect your physiological function and marriage life after going abroad!
A: Ah! Imported, imported doctor! Playing Jiuquan brand anesthetic with a smile, the side effects of cheap goods are too great! I can't carry it!
B: Good! Give it a try! Does it still hurt?
Oh, my God! Whether it is money or money, goods are goods! If you shout numb, you will be numb!
We're ready to gut! Ask your opinion, does this scalpel need disinfection?
A: Doctor! Knives are not sterilized!
B: Disinfection needs 500 yuan!
A: That's not necessary! I brought a lighter! That knife burns on that fire twice!
You are really a patient! !
That can't be helped! It's no use meeting a doctor like you!
B: Open the box below! Oh, dear! Oh, dear! It's bleeding! Oh, you are bloody! How high! Do you want to stop bleeding?
A: Of course we have to stop the bleeding! Why don't you stop bleeding, doctor?
Do you use hemostatic gauze or rag?
A: Doctor! You have a rag to stop the bleeding!
B: That hemostatic gauze costs 500 yuan!
A: ouch! You can have a lot of money! Stop bleeding first! It's killing me
B: That's right! If you have this attitude, it will be easy for me! Stop bleeding first! Open the wound! Find the appendix and cut it off with a knife! Congratulations! The operation was a complete success! One last question! Are you going to sew it up?
Doctor, what are you going to do to make me go out empty-handed? If you go out, you must attract flies.
2 sets of double-reed "dormitory whispers"
Prologue: Today, we are going to perform a duet, inspired by crosstalk. It's interesting to say these duets. We need one to perform in front and one to say lines at the back. Seen from a distance, it looks like a person. This requires the performances of two people to be very tacit and very cooperative, otherwise the duet will not be called a duet. Come on, come on, put on your makeup. As the saying goes, people wear clothes and saddles, people are unsuccessful and people are not beautiful. After this man succeeds, let's take a look again. It is better not to succeed! Next, I will bring you a new work called "Dormitory Whispers". I hope you like it!
A "If all the girls give a love, how beautiful the lonely boy will be. La la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la.
Hey, hey, what are you doing? In the middle of the night, no one is allowed to sleep. This is a new society. How could the old society exploit the working people? Cockcrow still exists in the middle of the night! What's more, the sound is not as good as a chicken crowing! What's the matter, brother sleeping in the upper bunk? Is there any trouble? Tell me!
A: Come on, this is for women, no! A girl, to be exact! Blow again!
B: Blow again! What number is this? Gongcheng Tian Liang can't compete with you. I think you're catching up with Hanamichi Sakuragi. I mean, isn't it a woman? Without her, male compatriots can't live?
C: Exactly! Or our housemaster wants to open it. Nowadays, you can't find GF without money. Besides, our dormitory is poor. To tell the truth, don't let girls drink northwest wind with us!
D: I'm dizzy! It's good to have northwest wind to drink! At least you can draw cakes to satisfy your hunger. The most terrible thing is whether there is a northwest wind to drink. That's still a problem! Why bother about a woman! But then again, what caused the peacock to fly southeast this time? Last time, it seemed that you were very unmanly, and the more you looked, the more you looked like an old lady.
A: What's wrong with the old lady? Does this mean that I am extraordinary? Fully proved that sentence!
C: what a sentence!
Are half men women?
God, you're still proud, aren't you? You have disgraced our dormitory! What about this time! And for what! No money or no color?
A: This time, it's my appearance! She said that I looked like Pan Changjiang from a distance, Zhao Benshan from a distance, Zeng from the left and Zeng from the right. I'm a four-phase person.
C: Cough! Just say you are ugly!
A: Doesn't it hurt your self-esteem? I am a little ugly, but I am gentle!
B: I don't see tenderness. With your ugly strength, you can catch up with those monkeys in Huaguoshan!
C: If only he were a monkey! What's the big deal about ugliness? This is a big deal. Become a handsome boy and charm the MM in our university! : By the way, introduce some to my buddies!
D: I don't want MM or ONLINE. I choose the latter. I'm not interested in mm.
Don't always criticize me! Yes, the first year is coming! What's your plan?
B: Sleep! See my fairy sister in my dream! Real life is too hypocritical. I really regret talking about it. In my eyes, everyone is like a lonely ghost. I just didn't see it, and I didn't mind. I went to deliver water with my fairy sister in my dream!
C: Chef, I'm not talking about you. You know who you are all day. You eat, sleep, sleep, eat, not fat. Isn't it a waste of national food? Can you afford an aunt in our school canteen? Seriously, we have to do something! It's the end of the year, so many activities, don't you value any of them?
I want to go to the welcome party of our school! I heard that there are many smart girls, and maybe I can get one or two with my charm!
A: Who said she was not interested in MM just now? This time, I immediately changed my mind! It is really "a man's heart, the bottom of the sea is deep."
B: Aren't you illiterate? It's a pity that you have been studying in the university for two years. How can you speak so badly? What do you mean by "a man's heart is deep under the sea"? The correct statement is "a woman's heart is deep under the sea". Guess what?
D: the lesson of the head nurse is! I have an idea! Why don't we go to the hotel on Christmas Eve? Let's also enjoy the taste of a three-star hotel, shall we?
A: What? Get a room outside, just a few big men.
What are you yelling about? Don't call the dormitory manager, I haven't seen anything, make a fuss, old-fashioned
C: I think this proposal is ok. Anyway, most of us spend Christmas alone, and the four bachelors have to find something to do! I don't think staying in a hotel is enough, because we should have a big meal first. How about eating hot pot?
D: stop it. My mouth is watering now.
B: it's worthless. It's a hot pot! If you have two more bottles of wine, will you get up for dinner right away? Just know to eat!
A: Chief! Can I bring my family?
B: The money was paid by you and your family, so it can't be charged to the singles' foursome!
I see, of course!
B: It is too late. I have to get up early tomorrow!
C: do morning exercises!
D: when will it be ready?
B: Why don't you say you don't remember anything? Six o'clock!
A: Chief! When will you do it?
Why are you shouting? Go to hell!
B: Six o'clock! Stop talking and go to bed!
Boss, I don't think anyone should sleep.
B: What's the matter?
I just looked at my watch. It's already 5: 60!
Tert-butyl: Ah! Get up! Do exercises!
A: Do exercises! What a bitter life!
3 double spring "dormitory hygiene"
Prologue: Today, the two of us will perform the double reed. It's interesting to say this double reed. It requires one person to perform while doing actions in front, and another person to say lines in the back. Seen from a distance, it looks like a person. This requires two people's performances to be very tacit and harmonious, otherwise the double spring will not be called double spring. Come on, come on, put on your makeup. As the saying goes, people wear clothes and saddles, people are unsuccessful and people are not beautiful. After this man succeeds, let's take a look again. It is better not to succeed! Next, I will bring you a new work called Radio. I hope you like it! Then the two of us began to perform!
Beep, beep, beep, beep, beep, beep, beep, beep. Nanning Haliyou Radio Station, anchor 250, broadcast in China, like it or not, has already started broadcasting. Hello, listeners. I'm a radio host. My name is boring. Although I am similar to the ignorant name of a famous host, I have nothing in common except my outstanding appearance. All right! Now, please enjoy the weekly song. Why is it called "Zhou Song"? That is to say, there is a sister who changes her male brother every week! Please enjoy China Rumors sung by Zhao Zhixiang, a famous Nanning singer. Hey! ! ! ! I'm stuck with you. What are you singing? You are a China folk song! ) This is Nanning folk song! ! Who taught you that? It's me ! You taught you this nursery rhyme is unsanitary! Yes! You said that some songs on radio and TV are being played inexplicably now! Sing some healthy songs! ! ) Nanning Haliyou Radio Station, the following is the advertising time, a series of advertisements of Happiness brand insoles: My children have been anorexia and picky eaters since they got beriberi, and they are prone to catch a cold. What should I do? After using the Happiness brand insole, he will be fine, not anorexic, not picky about food, taller and more resistant. Happiness brand insole! Practical and convenient! Friend! Do you want to eat baked sweet potatoes? Baked sweet potato is fragrant, cheap and rich in vitamin A.B.C.D.E.F.G Wholesale place, corner of Chaoyang Square! Friend, do you need toilet paper? Please choose the scratch-pain brand sand produced by our factory! Friend, do you want to lose weight? I'll introduce you to a new set of slimming exercises! Reach out your hands, take them away, take out your tongue, reach out! Get ready! Left, right, left, right, up, down, come on, I'm a dog! As the saying goes, a hundred steps can live 99 after a meal, and a cigarette after a meal is a fairy! I am a fairy! I have ascended to heaven! I'm dying! Come out!
4 double reed "radio station"
Prologue: Today, the two of us will perform the double reed. It's interesting to say this double reed. It requires one person to perform while doing actions in front, and another person to say lines in the back. Seen from a distance, it looks like a person. This requires two people's performances to be very tacit and harmonious, otherwise the double spring will not be called double spring. Come on, come on, put on your makeup. As the saying goes, people wear clothes and saddles, people are unsuccessful and people are not beautiful. After this man succeeds, let's take a look again. It is better not to succeed! Next, I will bring you a new work called Radio. I hope you like it! Then the two of us began to perform!
Beep, beep, beep, beep, beep, beep, beep, beep. Nanning Haliyou Radio Station, anchor 250, broadcast in China, like it or not, has already started broadcasting. Hello, listeners. I'm a radio host. My name is boring. Although I am similar to the ignorant name of a famous host, I have nothing in common except my outstanding appearance. All right! Now, please enjoy the weekly song. Why is it called "Zhou Song"? That is to say, there is a sister who changes her male brother every week! Please enjoy China Rumors sung by Zhao Zhixiang, a famous Nanning singer. Hey! ! ! ! I'm stuck with you. What are you singing? You are a China folk song! ) This is Nanning folk song! ! Who taught you that? It's me ! You taught you this nursery rhyme is unsanitary! Yes! You said that some songs on radio and TV are being played inexplicably now! Sing some healthy songs! ! ) Nanning Haliyou Radio Station, the following is the advertising time, Happiness brand insole series advertisements: My children have been anorexia and picky eaters since they have beriberi, and they are prone to catch a cold. What should I do? After using the Happiness brand insole, he is all right, not anorexic, not picky about food, taller and more resistant. Happiness brand insole! Practical and convenient! Friend! Do you want to eat baked sweet potatoes? Baked sweet potato is fragrant, cheap and rich in vitamin A.B.C.D.E.F.G Wholesale place, corner of Chaoyang Square! Friend, do you need toilet paper? Please choose the scratch-pain brand sand produced by our factory! Friend, do you want to lose weight? I'll introduce you to a new set of slimming exercises! Reach out your hands, take them away, take out your tongue, reach out! Get ready! Left, right, left, right, up, down, come on, I'm a dog! As the saying goes, a hundred steps can live 99 after a meal, and a cigarette after a meal is a fairy! I am a fairy! I have ascended to heaven! I'm dying! Come out!
5 pairs of springs: exercise as a soldier
(Based on the training of fresh graduates as soldiers. )
A: Dear leaders and comrades.
H: hello, everyone! My name is XXX (A) and my name is XXX (B).
Today, the two of us will give you a little show.
B: Double spring.
A: That's right. The double reed is the front one.
B: I'll talk about one later.
A: Your words and deeds are different.
B: no acting.
A: The performance is not good. Please clap more.
This is an encouragement to both of us. (They bow to the audience again)
A: (Right) Can we get started?
B: Let's go! (After A, before B, in position)
A: (in Wuhan dialect) My name is XXX. I come from Wuhan, Hubei. I have been in the army for six years. I graduated today. Before I can go home, I will report to the army as soon as possible!
B: (quickly asks) But you have become an official. What officer did the army arrange for you to be?
A: (Mandarin) Turn around! Listen-(after a while, change to Wuhan dialect) Being a soldier in the service platoon and standing guard for three months-exercise!
What is this? Where are the troops? Oh, it's in the corner of Dabie Mountain in Xinyang.
Ouch ... this place is on the side. It's a place where rabbits don't shit. Look up at the hill, look down at the ditch, nothing to count stones, mosquito bites suffer!
It's my turn to stand guard. I stood at the door and didn't see anyone for a long time. I want to show my leadership, but I have no chance.
In the past, except for a few ordinary people, they were all cows, sheep, chickens and dogs. I am in a hurry. Two hours of work feels like two years!
When I am bored, I salute those cows, sheep, chickens and dogs. Hehe, this is also "job" training!
At ease! Attention! Salute! At ease! Attention! Welcome ... (repeat)
B: (turning around in Mandarin) Ah ...! Do you want to kill me? !
A: (Mandarin) Sorry, I forgot my words just now. Come again, come again-stand guard (Wuhan dialect)! How do you know the depression and loneliness of warehouse soldiers without standing guard? How can you understand the difficulties of the soldiers without standing guard? How to be a good platoon leader without standing guard?
Stand guard! In a word, how nice! Two words, great! Three words, very good ...
B: (getting up and looking back) I said, can you count? !
A: (Pushing B back to his seat in Mandarin) Stop stirring. Go on, go on. Not to mention (in Wuhan dialect), I really got a lot of education, knowledge and insight by standing guard.
I found that the soldiers in our warehouse are really cute ... They love ravines, warehouses and work, and are willing to work hard, be lonely and selfless ... They have turned barren hills into gardens through their hard work.
It's beautiful. Look, this is a fish pond surrounded by Liu Yin, this is a leisure pavilion surrounded by red flowers, this is a brand-new office building, and this is a newly developed nursery ... how green the trees are, how red the flowers are. Oh, this is a paradise. ...
Later, I went to the relatively remote No.2 post and No.3 post and lived for a while. The conditions are even more difficult, and the water I drink is pulled down from the foot of the mountain.
The most uncomfortable thing is that there are so many mosquitoes. That mosquito, oh, this is big! Bite you. Oh, this is big!
Every night, mosquitoes keep me awake, so I wrap myself in a towel like a mummy. I'll see how these mosquitoes bite me! "Hum ... Hum ..." These mosquitoes circled over my head like a group of small helicopters.
Hey, hey, hey, the one on the left, I'll call! The one on the right, I'll call! ..... (continuous)
B: (gets up and turns around) Hey! Come out. I didn't hit you in the face, did I?
A: (Mandarin) Hehe ... I just think you can kill some mosquitoes. Sorry, keep coming. It won't happen again In the past few months, I have not only gradually adapted to the life in the warehouse, but also gained two special companions, one is called "Black Girl" and the other is called "Cheetah"-they are two military dogs in our warehouse.
Boy, when I first met them, I was afraid to go out. I was so stingy that I couldn't breathe. They stared at me with big eyes and red tongues and shouted at me in a low voice: "Hoo ... hoo ..."
Scared me, I hurried to buy some ham sausages.
What is this? Why buy ham sausage? Bribery, making friends is not so simple now. It's impossible without welfare. Only these two dogs can't talk to you.
Don't say yet. It works. After several contacts, they listened to me.
These two military dogs have different personalities. "Black Girl" is flexible, strong-willed and a little extroverted, while "Cheetah" is slow, stupid and introverted.
As a result, the "black girl" was often locked up by military dogs because she bit the chickens and cows of ordinary people.
On one occasion, the "black girl" chased the cattle of ordinary people all the way in the camp, and directly ran the cattle alive and tired, so she was locked up again.
We were having an on-the-job training competition. When it saw the cheetah being taken out for training, it was extremely angry.
In a rage, it jumped out of the fence more than two meters high and hurt its leg.
In those days, the guide fed it delicious food every day. I also quickly took advantage of this opportunity to curry favor with it. I gave it milk and ham. I sat next to it, fed it and touched its head. It makes my face sweet when I eat it.
I touch it, and it licks me ... (continuously) (b quietly gets up and turns around, touching A's head)
A: (Mandarin) You treat me like a dog. ...
(Two curtain calls, end)
6 pairs of springs: the old urchin celebrates the New Year.
Double reed (mobile company text)
Old urchin celebrates the New Year.
Creation: Jiang Keguan
Props: a chair, two wireless microphones, a melon hat, a wig, etc.
A: The leader arranged for me to perform a program, which really embarrassed me. You say singing, you like to be out of tune, you say dancing, the movements don't match, you say sketch, it's not funny at all. I think of a program. I need an audience to help me. Just read the manuscript. It's very simple. Does anyone want to? (B takes the stage)
May I?
What's your name?
My surname is Zhu.
I said Zhu, that's rude. Zhu Xiao, do you know what a double reed is?
B: Is it the one we said we did before? ...
A: That's it.
Yes, I do.
You must help me. The one with the lyrics at the back.
B: It's easy. Is there a word?
Yes, I'm ready. You are familiar with the words. I'll make up. (Next to makeup)
B: There are many happy events in the reform and opening up. ...
All right, we can get started. I sit in the chair, you hide behind the chair, I clap your hands, and you start.
(in position)
B: There are many happy events in the reform and opening up. ...
A: Uh-huh, uh-huh I didn't even slap you. You start with Lang? Start over.
B: OK.
A: (clapping your hands)
B: There are many happy events in the reform and opening up. The mobile antenna stands on the hillside. Give me the children's mobile phones. I can dial anywhere. It's nice to celebrate the New Year. The house is full of new year's goods. I ate too much fish and meat. I just want to eat kahuantuo.
A: (on the phone)
Hey, did you get slapped? You took your son's desire to attract children to fight in the city! Come back to the beach! What are you doing here? Come back and fry it before eating. Hey, you brought me a few Jin of HSBC wine, hey, hey, you brought me firecrackers.
A: (puts down the phone)
B: The transportation is convenient and the bus is fast. My wife will go home soon. I will prepare glutinous rice flour for you. The oil in the fire is boiling, and joy and fragrance are floating inside and outside the house.
A: (holding it)
Oh, it's too hot! ..... delicious. Eat one more ... oh, ... eat one more, oh, eat one more, oh, eat one more ...
A: (unbearable heat) Stop, stop, do you want to burn me?
B: Didn't you say Huanxituo was delicious? I want you to eat more.
A: It's just fried, and it burns your mouth!
B: ok, I'll pay attention to it next.
A: Again, pay attention. (Clap your hands)
B: I want to drink some wine after eating Huanxituo. Jingshan HSBC wine is really delicious. No one to accompany? I'll call my son.
A: (on the mobile phone)
B: Hello! Son, can you come back and have a drink with me? Ann? Your mobile company is creating a provincial civilized unit. How busy are you? Then forget it. I'll drink in front of the mirror!
A: (puts down the phone)
I clean the mirror first. Ha ha.
A: (Breathing, cleaning the mirror)
B: Shallow feelings, a little more, thin feelings, drinking coke, having feelings, drinking white wine, having strong feelings, drinking high, having good feelings, throwing bowls, having deep feelings, and it will be clear at once!
A: (Drunk)
I drank bowl after bowl, bowl after bowl. Uh, is this the tongue ... Is Lang disobedient? The earth is really ... really turning! God ... there are stars in the sky! Oh, I ... I'm giving up!
Answer: (Get up and walk if you have urine)
B: A kilo of wine, just walk as usual, stagger to the door, and open the door to relieve yourself. Alas, untie your hands, and everyone saves a lot.
A: (Back to the original seat)
Come on, keep drinking! After drinking white wine and beer, I drank one cup at a time ... only to hear my wife shouting: that's the one who peed in the refrigerator! Oh, dear! I just went to relieve myself, and when I opened the door, I saw a induction lamp inside. ...
A: (B) Uh-huh, uh-huh, I'm not necessarily drunk!
B: Not the one who peed his pants after drinking too much!
A: What you said seriously affects the image of modern farmers!
I'll pay more attention.
A: Please come again. (Clap your hands)
B: New Year's Eve is really lively. Every family sticks couplets and sets off firecrackers, which is suitable for all ages. Whipping is not allowed in the city now, but it is still open in our hometown. I let Bart play with Sun Wazi's guns, and I brought some guns back. I took them out to play!
A: (takes out lighter)
B: Stop fighting. This whip is loud!
Answer: (light the whip and throw it out)
B: Shh. ...
A: (covering his ears)
B: Bang! Interesting. Have another drink.
Answer: (point the whip and shake it twice)
B: Shh …, shh …, shh …
Answer: (After there is no hiss, check the whip.)
B: Bang! !
A: (falls to the ground)
B: I turned! (takes out his mobile phone and dials) 120? Please come to Yuanyang River in Lvlin Town as soon as possible. An old urchin is injured! (Picking up armor) Since your spare capacity is insufficient, why drink and set off firecrackers! (under the carapace)