It was in the summer when I was five or six years old. Aunt Zhang in the village "left" and the adults in the neighborhood went to help with the funeral. A group of children who are not sensible also join in the fun. The door of the Zhang family is covered with white stripes in the shape of "X", and two adults are busy painting the coffin with black and dense paint, which faintly glows with a rough and bloody light. This reminds me of the amaranth purple juice fried at noon, because I didn't wash it clean and gnashed my teeth ... Suddenly, a terrible feeling made me run away.

I ran home nervously for no reason. Seeing grandma carrying swill to feed pigs, I timidly asked: Does everyone have to die? Can they come back after they die? Grandma said unhurriedly that people will die when they are old, just like Aunt Zhang. People die, know nothing, and can't come back. Everyone will die, grandma will die one day, and I will never see grandma who hurt me again! This makes me at a loss. I sat on the threshold of the gate and looked at the cemetery in the sunset not far away. The weeds on the tombstone swayed with the wind. My heart is full of mysterious fear of death.

This kind of psychological shadow has been growing with me, swaying in joys and sorrows. Whenever I look up at the deep blue sky or the vast starry sky, whenever I am in a state of putting the cart before the horse and under pressure in my work and life, I will doubt life and its meaning in a small sense of nothingness, just like a lonely boat swaying in the dark sea. With the growth of my age, I gradually pushed myself and "things" to the point of being afraid of "killing", and even took care of flowers and trimmed leaves. Is this the real reason why gentlemen "stay away from the bubble kitchen"? However, it should be 20 17 pathological puncture of "lump" to truly face "fear" (rather than empathy). I was unprepared and thought that "Death" had hit the door, full of unacceptable unwillingness: I was afraid that those books I liked would soon no longer belong to me, and I would never see "birds flying in the sky and fish swimming in the water" (. In the face of this kind of life confusion, Jung, a famous philosopher and psychologist, also "can't get rid of that absolute sense of nothingness" and thinks that "human life is a questionable experiment". Nikola tesla, a scientist like Einstein, also said, "In fact, the earth is just an experimental field, and the solar system was also created." "The Milky Way seen through the telescope is actually a movie, not an objective fact, and the universe seen through the Hubble telescope is a commercial blockbuster, not an objective fact" (forbidden prophecy: Tesla prophecy). 1969, Armstrong, who suffered from depression after returning from the moon landing, said that there are no stars on the moon! These understandings and questions under different cultural and ideological backgrounds constantly deconstruct the value and significance of human existence: Is life really a "designed" drama? Where is the value or meaning of life?

? After that false alarm, I tried to find some light about the essence of life from the thoughts of philosophers and sages, so as to escape from the stinking well of fear. Even if there is no scientific "ultimate theory" to explain the universe and life, it is certain that the universe and its operation have their own internal laws. From this perspective, pure life, like everything in the universe, just follows the "law" and is meaningless; From another perspective, the "existence" of everything in the universe necessarily means evolution or inheritance, and the "form" of "life" is its carrier-there is no life without past lives. Just like an antelope running to live, there is another "living" antelope: living is a kind of meaning! Whether it is the evolution of species or the inheritance of culture. However, the meaning of being alive seems to be deconstructed by the finiteness of life itself. Zhuangzi said in Master of Health: "Life is limited ... almost!" So human beings have been seeking "eternal life" but have not. In modern times, quantum mechanics explores the "essence" of matter including life from the quantum dimension. In the mutual transformation of matter and energy, "life" should be immortal, especially in the theory of quantum entanglement and multiverse or parallel universe, "I" can exist in different time and space at the same time. Even if life dies in this spatial dimension or universe, it is the other side or another "I" of quantum entanglement. Of course, this is far from the sadness and romance of Ghost.

However, in the busy and impetuous real life, this kind of explanation or understanding is only a "nihility" image in front of individual reality, which transcends human rational cognition and cannot directly present the value or significance of life, which is why it is difficult for all beings to explore its essence. Jung once said that only in the combination of the individual and the collective and in the conflict in the process of "pursuing life" can the value and meaning of life be "projected" to the perceptual level and rational cognition be formed. Freud also believes that life is full of meaning and experience, "personal ability and realistic achievements can bring the value and meaning of life." Therefore, in the pursuit of "infinity" and in the confrontation between unintentional meaning and meaning, life transcends life and death with concrete and vivid brilliance, dispels nothingness and becomes "meaningful". This has little to do with our "objective existence", that is, our status, behavior, knowledge and money, but mainly depends on ourselves, that is, whether we can or can better realize the development, creation and experience of "self"! This is a kind of perception of spiritual and psychological categories, such as the pleasure of helping others, the accomplishment and achievements at the ideological and cultural level, and so on. This spiritual self-identity and "sense of gain" transcends the so-called "career success" in power and position, and even transcends the material life itself.

? Therefore, we can only try our best to overcome the nothingness of life and the fear of death from the aspect of ideological cognition, and rationally approach the realm of "health preservation". In the pursuit of personal interests such as reading, thinking, creation and friendship, we gradually get rid of the confusion, anxiety and fear of "hanging upside down" and find spiritual self-consistency and psychological "acquisition" value and significance in sensibility. This is a state that is detached from "work" and "life" and will never be idle. Because of this, when I faced the big B lymph on 20 19, I didn't have the usual fear and anxiety, and accepted the finiteness and uncertainty of life. Perhaps it is this indifferent and cheerful attitude and behavior that made me quickly walk out of the reef of that life: it is good to be alive and happy!

? Looking back at the dusk when I was a child, my grandmother's limping figure is still as clear as before, just drifting away. In the face of this inescapable cosmic law, we can only experience the process of "living" with limited life, enjoy personalized happiness, and constantly get rid of the "meaningless" fear and obsession. Life is not all grand drama, just like grandma's ordinary life, which is worthless in the social essence of history, but the warmth and memory she brought me has its own unique "meaning". This may be the true meaning of life!