For most parents, children are their own hope. Especially now, most families have only one child, and this child has almost become the hope of the whole family. Therefore, parents usually try their best to meet their children's needs. In addition to basic material needs, psychological needs such as emotion and love are more important for children's physical and mental development. For most parents, children's material needs are visible and easy to meet; Psychological needs are not easy to find, and not everyone knows how to meet children's needs in this respect, so they can never be properly met.
"People look at the smallest, horses look at their paws", "three years old, eight years old". These proverbs are a summary of people's historical experience for thousands of years, pointing out that a person's life experience (usually called early life experience) from birth to growth has a great and far-reaching impact on his life. This argument has been confirmed by the research and practice of modern psychology and pedagogy.
Family is the basic unit of society, and it is an important environment for a person to contact first and keep close contact all his life. Therefore, the formation and content of early life experiences are mostly determined by family education. Good family education is of great significance to parents and the whole society. Successful parenting is the greatest reward and encouragement for parents, and it can also greatly increase parents' sense of self-worth and life satisfaction, deepen the feelings between parents, and make the overall function of the family stable and sound. For children, good upbringing makes them grow up healthily in personality, morality and behavior, and lays a solid and reliable foundation for their physical and mental health, happy life and successful career. For the society, good family education can make cultural traditions and social norms be well transmitted in parent-child interaction, which is irreplaceable by any force outside the family. On the other hand, if there is serious interference or disorder in children's upbringing, it will naturally directly endanger the physical and mental health of two generations, reduce the quality of family life, hinder the overall function of the family, and even lead to family disintegration and endanger social stability.
In a study of 240 junior high school students, students were divided into poor students group and excellent students group (each 120) according to their academic achievements and teachers' evaluation, and the parenting styles of parents of the two groups were investigated. The results show that the parents of top students tend to be sensitive and understanding, which makes them feel warm, trusting and safe, and helps to form good personality and study habits. Parents of poor students often punish, deny, refuse and interfere with their children excessively in the process of their upbringing, which is easy to make their children have rebellious and inferiority complex, disgust and resistance to learning, and lack confidence. This is the influence of family education on children's learning. From other studies, we also find that the success or failure of learning and personal physical and mental health are mutually causal. In addition, in the practice of psychological counseling, the author has also received many visitors who have psychological barriers due to improper family upbringing. To fundamentally solve these people's problems, their whole families must receive psychological counseling or treatment.
Family education is the most important activity in family life, which centers on parent-child relationship and aims at cultivating physical and mental health and qualified social members. It plays a very important role in the psychological development of children and adolescents. As the name implies, parenting style includes education and parenting. In fact, parenting in the family is taught through parenting, that is, the purpose of education is achieved in the process of parenting, or parenting itself has an educational function, especially for very young children. Different parenting styles will make babies form different behavior habits and bring them into character building. If decisive measures are not taken in time to correct the bad habits formed by children at an early age, it will be difficult to fundamentally change the personality characteristics that are not conducive to their psychological development.
As parents, in order to bring up successfully in the family, they must be able to communicate harmoniously with their children. You must first understand the characteristics of your child. Children grow up day by day, and if they want to get a good education from small to large, it is natural to understand the development characteristics of children at different ages, especially the characteristics of emotional development. Parents must know their children before they can understand their needs and know how to shape their good quality and sound personality by properly meeting their different physical and mental needs.
1.0 to 6 years old (early childhood)
1, this period includes nursing period, infancy and preschool period. Generally speaking, the period from birth to the age of 6 is the best and worst period in a child's life: paradise-like happiness and security will almost never be realized in later years; At the same time, unspeakable pain and despair alternate with this sense of happiness and security, which is unpredictable. During this period, the importance of parents to the healthy growth of children's body and mind is unparalleled. Studies have shown that if parents leave their children for more than 3 weeks or more than 2 months at the same time in a year before their children are 6 years old, it will pose a serious threat to their sense of security and make them feel separation anxiety. Because for any child, nothing is more important than the "presence" of parents. Therefore, it is very important for parents to enter your child's world wholeheartedly, so that you can help your child experience a safe and happy world as much as possible. As parents, the simplest and most effective help that can be given to children is love. If you can keep in mind the general rules about the emotional life of children under 6 years old and use them to guide your communication with children, it will be very helpful for your love to get the best effect: 1 Everyone is born with a unique personality, which is the nature that makes him act and react in a unique way. You should always remember the fact that children under 6 years old are also individuals with their own rights. Besides needing special care, you should look at and maintain the relationship between you and your children like everyone else.
For children under 6 years old, your first and most important responsibility is to take good care of him. You should always pay attention to all his actions, know whether he is happy or not, and know when to pay more attention to him. It is much more important to do this than to wait until the child has problems before taking special actions or making special reactions.
Children under 3.6 are very dependent on their parents, so they always pay attention to you. He is very sensitive to your feelings, behaviors and reactions. He will be influenced by your emotions and behaviors, which are usually ignored by careless parents. Therefore, when your children are present, you should pay special attention to the way of communication with others, manage your life effectively, handle all kinds of unfavorable situations wisely, express your emotions and behaviors sincerely and frankly, don't lie to cover up your feelings and behaviors, and don't deny the facts that children know. In front of children, honesty will benefit both your parents and children.
2.6 to 13 years old (middle childhood)
Child psychologists at the Philadelphia Children's Guidance Center (PCGC) in the United States compare children's transition from preschool to school age (primary school) with the evolving amphibian era. At that time, animals first began to live on land, but at the same time they also lived in water. Similarly, children aged 6 ~ 13 are in the stage of having some special rights between infancy and adolescence. In infancy, children are not fully developed physically and intellectually, and depend entirely on their parents in life, while in adolescence, children enter the final stage of maturity and dependence on their parents.
For children, middle childhood is a particularly glorious period. Due to the expansion of life, he first discovered all the miracles of kinship, friendship, education and life itself. Only in this period, it is full of new responsibilities and challenges that threaten people. Now he is forced to engage in all kinds of coordination activities that he didn't need to do as a child: at home, he is expected to undertake more housework, meet the needs of others, and deal with interpersonal relationships with relatives such as brothers and sisters; At school, we should always make satisfactory progress in all subjects; In peer groups (classmates, playmates, etc.). In order to gain and maintain self-esteem, we should learn to deal with more and more complicated social relations.
In order to ensure the healthy development of children at this stage, you must remember the following basic facts:
1. Children in middle childhood devote themselves to developing language communication skills to a great extent, which will be used to consolidate parent-child relationship. Therefore, parents and children must maintain an effective and uninterrupted dialogue. Whenever a child confides in you, you should be an active listener and try not to comment on what he says. A child's conversation with you can help him see his behavior and feelings correctly. Through this experience, he can look at everything in a comprehensive and positive way.
A child in middle childhood needs a certain degree of independence, even if it makes him take some risks. Therefore, if you really want to protect your child from physical, emotional and social harm, you must give him some freedom, let him discover his abilities and limitations and learn from his mistakes and misfortunes. It's really not easy to do this, but as long as you observe your children more carefully and actively enrich your parenting experience, you can more confidently judge how much freedom to give your children in different situations.
Children in middle childhood are eager for praise and support. However, because children are too inexperienced, they often make mistakes in school, friends and housework, which will inevitably lead to criticism from teachers, parents, classmates and playmates. I am afraid that only sincere praise and heartfelt support can offset the obstacles that this criticism brings to children's physical and mental development. When a child needs you, he must be sure that you are always by his side, otherwise he will feel insecure and will be ignored or rejected.
Three. 13 to 20 years old (adolescence)
In this period called juvenile by the west, children's development process is full of contradictions and conflicts. The word adolescence itself means the transition process from children to adults, which shows that teenagers have no fixed personality and identity and are in a transitional and unstable stage. Some of them are children, some are adults, and some are in between.
One of the main contradictions in this period is the emotional dependence of teenagers on their parents. On the one hand, teenagers are keen on their own ideas, always eager to get rid of their parents' control and hope to gain personal freedom; On the other hand, they still hope and need their parents to love them as before. In fact, it is easy for teenagers to feel that they are no longer naive, cute, weak and helpless, and no longer attract the attention and love of others. All parents also take it for granted that children don't like their parents to treat themselves in the way of expressing love in the past, and they don't like their parents to treat him as a "baby". Whether the child really thinks so or not, the result is regrettable. Many parents no longer express their love for their teenagers in any direct way, which can only make their children feel that no one likes them.
Another major contradiction in adolescence is that in the minds of teenagers, the conflict between rationality and irrationality is very fierce. For a long time, it seems that there are two close forces intertwined in his heart, controlling all his words and deeds, but these two forces have not always occupied a decisive position. These two forces are both orderly and chaotic. For this reason, the child is extremely concerned about why things are like this, and he will persistently discuss and argue about the basic operation of society and family. At this time, his words and deeds are clear and rational, which makes him look more mature and rational than his actual age. But in the "chaos", he tends to feel the coming adult life in a creative way, to test the happiness and pain brought by it, and tends to ignore reason, rules and responsibilities.
The third major contradiction in adolescence is that the speed at which teenagers move from immature children to mature adults is uncertain. The speed of this uncertainty is different among different children, and the development speed of different characteristics in the same child is also asynchronous. We can see that children are developing very fast in some aspects. Shortly after entering adolescence, most children began to imitate the dress and behavior of adults, and began to actively participate in love and sexual activities and actively express their independence. In other respects, today's children have been delaying the end of adolescence, showing that they still rely on their parents in life and economy until they have a secure job and even set up their own new family, while their emotional dependence is more lasting.
If you can remember the following points, it will help adolescent children overcome the contradictions and conflicts mentioned above:
1, to fully realize that adolescent children will face more emotional difficulties, you and your children should accept this reality. With the drastic changes in physiological and social roles, your "normal" children may have some unacceptable changes after entering turbulent adolescence. He starts doing things that make you worry, feel guilty, afraid or angry. For example, he stayed at home silently most of the time, didn't tell you why, began to distrust and disrespect adults, hid his behavior and place, openly despised the rules and etiquette norms inside and outside the family, stole things and refused to talk to his family. Therefore, when the child is about to enter adolescence, you should be fully prepared to deal with this pile of problems in advance. When things come, if you want to maintain your authority as a parent and stay awake and calm, the key is that you should look at every dilemma faced by your child from a suitable angle. Whenever possible, please accept what you can accept, which is very important for yourself, your children and your family. Only when it is really necessary to judge according to the facts can children be severely criticized and punished.
2. Adolescent children have too many emotional ups and downs and changes in their lives. He realized that only by relying on his parents can they remain calm, stable and strong emotionally, although he may deny it on the surface. Children will intentionally or unintentionally imitate adults, especially parents, how to maintain a strong emotional balance in prosperity and adversity. Therefore, parents should try their best to keep the mode of raising children calm and continuous, especially in the face of the dilemma of parent-child conflict. Don't let the dialogue negotiation degenerate into fierce arguments or even quarrels, and pay more attention not to vent your personal anxiety and frustration on your children.
Parents of teenagers often feel pain consciously or unconsciously because they are unwilling to give up their authority as parents. You are afraid that without your support and control, your child may not live a normal life, and you are also worried that you will lose your child. You should realize that whether adolescent children can get healthy emotions and independent personality depends on your gradual abandonment of authority. In this process, you will not only lose your child, but also make your child more mature. You should be fully aware of these facts and form a more democratic education model on this basis. Please share new and more adult interests and activities with your child, and allow him to communicate with you and your family in different and less childish ways ... You and your child should work together to establish a more mature and independent parent-child relationship.
Although your child needs and should get rid of the direct supervision and control of his parents after puberty, so as to gain more independence, he won't stop needing your love, attention and respect just because he grows up.
The above is about the growth characteristics of children at different ages and some basic facts when communicating with children at different stages of development. The age of stage division is not fixed, and the individual differences of children are quite large. As a parent, you should pay close attention to the characteristics of your child and understand the specific content of his emotions and behaviors as the basis for specific education. The following quiz can help you and your husband (wife) answer the following 50 questions as an auxiliary means to strengthen communication with children.
Test topic: Do you know your children?
1. Who is your child's best friend (friend or classmate)?
2. Who is your child's favorite teacher?
3. Who do your children admire most?
4. What kind of people do your children hate most?
Apart from your family, who has the greatest influence on your children?
6. Which relative does your child like best?
7. Which course does your child like best? Which course do you like least?
8. What does your child think is the most precious in his or her collection?
9. What is your child most afraid of?
10. What is your child most worried about?
1 1. Under what circumstances is it easy for your child to lie?
12. What is your child's favorite TV program?
13. What movies does your child like to watch?
14. What is your child's favorite entertainment?
15. What sports does your child like?
16. What music and songs does your child like to listen to?
17. Where is your child's favorite place to play?
18. What kind of extracurricular reading do your children like best?
19. Which extracurricular book is your child reading recently?
20. What's your child's favorite color?
2 1. What flowers (plants) do your children like best? What animal do you like best?
22. If your child were allowed to choose anything in the world at will, what would he or she choose? (Only one can be selected)
23. Does your child feel too old or too young for his or her age?
24. Does your child feel liked by other children at school?
25. When does your child often do his homework?
26. What do your children want to be when they grow up?
27. What occupation does your child respect most in society?
28. What kind of social occupation does your child despise most?
29. What is your child's dissatisfaction at home?
30. What annoys your child the most?
3 1. What is the most embarrassing thing for your child?
32. When is it easy for your child to oppose his parents?
33. Under what circumstances are children easy to listen to their parents?
34. What was your child's biggest disappointment last year?
35. What was your child's happiest thing last year?
36. How does your child want to spend Sunday?
37. What do your children often do during holidays?
38. What is your child's favorite day to hold family celebrations?
39. What is your child most proud of?
40. What do your children regret most about what they have done?
4 1. What housework does your child dislike most?
42. What does your child never get tired of doing?
43. Does your child have a nickname at school? How did this nickname come from?
44. What do the teachers think are your children's main strengths and weaknesses?
45. What do you think are the most prominent strengths and weaknesses of your child's personality?
46. What is the thing that your children despise most?
47. Among the gifts you gave him, what did your child cherish most?
48. What is your child's favorite dish? What is your least favorite dish?
49. What impressed your child the most?
50. Does your child like you?
Analysis and recommendations:
After answering each question, ask your child to rate you. If you can answer more than 80% of the above 50 questions correctly, you know your children well. Please keep it up. If you can answer more than 70% correctly, it means that you know your child better, but you need to pay more attention in the future; If you can get half the answer correctly, it means that you can barely understand your children and need to invest more time and energy in them; If you can't answer half of the questions, it only means that you don't know your children very well. You need to pay more attention to them and let them grow up better. You should weigh the importance of children against other things at hand.
Comparing parents' scores, you will find out whether the parent-child relationship in your family is balanced and harmonious.