First, stay away from
The partner cheated, leaving a confused mess and endless torture for the original match. Whenever I feel their pain, four words come to mind: the light of reason. The state after betrayal is a dark maze. If you let yourself be led by emotions, you will only fall black and blue, and the torch that leads you to the exit is only rational.
Step one: stay away from liars. No matter how sad you are, the first step to get out of this emotional black hole is to stay away from the source of the black hole: the derailed partner.
You can choose to break up or disappear for a while, as long as the other person no longer appears in your life. Push away all entanglements, unwillingness, doubts, decisions, and so on. Take a "no initiative, no care, no care" policy towards your partner. This is a buffer period. In the emotional maze, any reaction about this relationship is wrong, and the wrong reaction will add new emotions and crush you.
Second, cultivate the courage to leave.
Step 2: Cultivate your courage to leave each other.
Whether you have the will to get back together with your partner or not, you are not out of the emotional black hole of your partner's infidelity, which shows that you are not independent enough in this relationship. The excessive attachment to your partner reflects many problems. This is not a case, it is true for a person without psychological knowledge, so you are not fighting alone.
1, everyone may cheat, and your partner is no exception.
When I first heard the news that my partner was cheating, most people were confused. For women, there is always a desire for love, even though everyone knows that every man and woman may cheat.
This is just a question of probability, but only when it happens to me will I understand: I used to treat each other as a special case. Otherwise, why are those leading men who wander among the flowers for several years, but are finally loyal to one person so popular? Do you like the hero who is romantic from beginning to end? Of course not.
Third, learn to accept.
Life is not a soap opera, and your partner will never be a special case you expect. There is a Coolidge effect in psychology: in short, both men and women have the impulse to have sex with the opposite sex other than their partners, just to "make a fresh picture"; Social psychologist elliot aronson's "Social Animals" holds that human beings have dual attributes of sociality and animality, and the progress of civilization is actually to continuously improve human sociality and weaken or hide animality.
The behavior of "cheating" cannot be eradicated. It is inherent in human DNA, and it is inevitable that everyone will cheat. Once you give up the dream of perfect love and the fantasy that the hero will never cheat, you will find it reasonable for your partner to cheat in the face of objective reality. Moral criticism and emotional accusation are meaningless and have already happened, which is in line with probability. Accept it.
Fourth, self-worth.
Love reflects your self-worth, and so does cheating. The two have nothing to do.
Emerson said: "Love is ultimately a reflection of one's self-worth on others." This sentence is a bit abstract, give a chestnut explanation. Xiao Liu and her husband are college classmates. They have been together for seven years. At that time, they regarded each other as "true love". One day, Xiao Liu found out that her husband had gone whoring with C for a long time. During the consultation, she shed tears with a runny nose: "Teacher, why do you think I fell in love with this scum?" All human behaviors are traceable, including love.
Psychopsychological analysis shows that children lack the care of their main caregivers in childhood, which will form a self-defense mechanism. They will imagine an idealized parent and fantasize about living with them to make up for the lack of emotion in the real environment. This imaginary connection provides a sense of security for oneself and relieves the painful feeling of being out of touch with parents in reality.
Verb (abbreviation of verb) case
When children grow up and begin to enter intimate relationships, the role of "ideal parents" is projected on their partners. Xiao Liu's childhood can be described as boring. Her mother is a school teacher and is very strict with her. Besides school courses, there are many extracurricular contents to learn. Other children played a lot in childhood, and her childhood was black and white.
And one day she didn't meet the mother's standard, which was followed by punishment. "I have hardly seen my mother laugh. At that time, what I admired most was other people's mothers, who were gentle, loving and funny, "Xiao Liu said.
Xiao Liu's ex-fiance is a gentle, caring and humorous person. He fully meets the standard of Xiao Liu's "ideal mother". This "psychological projection" is rapid and thorough, and this "love" is also strong and beautiful: it cures the deepest fear of childhood-being abandoned. It was not until the ex-fiance and C went whoring that this fantasy was shattered. It can't be fake. "Ideal parents" do not exist. The only thing that exists is the original trauma exposed through this incident, waiting for healing.
6. You need to be independent.
You need to be independent.
"Being independent in a relationship" means that all your actions are based on yourself, not the other person. Whether you choose to start a marriage or not, I hope you can understand that the essence of choosing to pay in a relationship is to serve self-growth, not to gain each other's love or keep each other.
Its function is to help enrich our experience of loving and being loved and acquire a more complete and mature personality. Everyone is an individual first. Only by taking care of yourself first can you enter other people's lives. Under such a big foothold, any behavior of the other party is a stepping stone for you to become stronger.
From another angle, you can see a little fire in the dark: "I can't give up on him." -What you can't bear is your ideal parents: "Divorced, this family will be scattered, the children are still young, and you can't live without a father." -A physically separated family of three has a greater psychological impact on children, and their ability to perceive emotions is ten times stronger than yours.
Seven, self-improvement.
Step 3: Grow up and love yourself. Because the essence of love is the presentation of self-worth. Then we need to focus on ourselves and enhance our value.
1, reconciled with family of origin.
Parents are human beings, come from families and have their own problems. It's not their fault, but that they didn't take care of us well enough, or didn't give us more scientific training. At that time, they had done their best. Put yourself in the shoes of your parents, reconcile with your family, accept the existence of regret and admit it. This is a godsend opportunity to know yourself and improve yourself, and this crux can be opened.
Eighth, pay attention to yourself.
Step 2 cultivate hobbies
From art, dance to fitness ... everything that can bring you a sense of pleasure is developed to expand the thickness and depth of life. The more beautiful things you put into your life, the more happiness you will have. The more happiness you have comes from yourself, the less others can control your emotions.
Step 3 broaden the social circle
The happiness brought by making friends is hard to replace. Socialization itself can broaden your horizons and bring pleasure. A few more intimate friends can let you pin your feelings on different people without locking your partner, which is an energy release for intimate relationships.
It is often said that feelings are not right or wrong, and this sentence has some truth. The same is true of emotions. You have to be emotionally entangled and endless. Emotionally, we must distinguish between right and wrong, and we can only drown in the cycle of death. Marriage is your marriage; Family is your family; Love is your love. If you want to cut off a part of yourself and project it on the other person, then the other person will leave and you will be torn apart.