Second, eat, I want to be thin, I want to be thin. I can't have both, so I went there.
Third, lies are not used to deceive each other, but to deceive themselves.
Fourth, I warn you, don't be so rude! Be careful. I'll stick a size 36 shoe on a size 40 surface.
In the world, there really is a person who cares about you silently, loves you, but will never come near you again.
Six, once the oath expires, happiness and I will be separated for life.
Seven, some people, some words, say or not, it doesn't matter. Because I can see clearly, I look down! ,,
Eight, tears exist to prove that sadness is not an illusion.
Nine, take a thousand roads, only one is suitable; If you meet all kinds of people, one person is enough.
Ten, can't walk, why don't you look back, why don't you let go of people who don't love you?
Don't try to prove to the person who abandoned you how blind he is.
Twelve, I think parents are our best Baidu.
Thirteen, there is no other half of 100%, only two people with 50 points.
Fourteen, when you fart, have you ever thought about the feeling of underwear, have you, have you?
Fifteen, my life has a side and a side, and your life has an S side and a B side.
The happiest thing in the world is that someone makes you laugh when you want to cry.
Seventeen, even if you once had almost perfect happiness, your heart can't go back, can it?
Can you lend me one hundred dollars? But I only have fifty dollars. Well, you owe me fifty dollars. Well, I'll pay you back when I have money.
Nineteen, no matter how pure, beautiful, beautiful, lovely, and pretending, you will eventually become an aunt who has no time.
Twenty, quarreling on QQ is not the accumulation of swearing, but the speed of typing.
Twenty-one, you like her clean, why do you want to dirty her?
I'm not arrogant, I'm not fooling around, I'm just tired of relying on everything.
Twenty-three, I didn't make it back when I left. I dare say it's not my own cowardice.
Twenty-four, it turns out that there is a kind of sadness that can only make people cry silently, but they can't cry aloud.
Twenty-five, handsome boy's confession is confession, ugly man's confession is sexual harassment-what a painful understanding.
26. Many people come into your life just to teach you a lesson and then turn around and leave.
Humor in a sentence
1, people who weigh less than 100 are either flat-chested or short.
2. Life is nothing more than making others smile and occasionally smiling at others.
3. When there is no money, the wife and secretary; When rich, the secretary and wife.
4. Rich people are afraid that others will know that they have money, while poor people are afraid that others will know that they have no money.
5. Women like men with security, but men are often attracted to women with insecurity.
6, finished, you also ignore me, I became a dog ignore.
7. Although ugly, I want to be beautiful.
8. Youth is running wildly, and then falling down beautifully.
9. I stayed in a nervous crowd for a long time and found myself normal.
10, women mix well, wear less, men mix well, and their hair falls backwards.
1 1, the loneliness that no amount of water can be drunk.
12, time and marriage will make a man mature, but time is slow and marriage is fast.
13, once in a while, a silent life will make you feel great, and a silent life will be miserable.
14 In fact, if you like a girl, buy her more food. If you get fat, no one will chase you. It's yours.
15, if you can't tolerate me, it means that either your mind is too narrow or my personality is too great.
16, of course God will forgive me, because that's his profession.
17, the so-called perfect marriage is: the man is finished and the woman is beautiful.
18, there may be love in this world, just as experts are studying whether there are aliens.
A short sentence, a short mood, a short sentence.
1. If I meet the right person at the right time, I'm willing to accompany you through the world.
2. The best love in the world is knowing.
3. The day you like is the most beautiful day; The right lifestyle is the best lifestyle.
True love needs to wait, but waiting too long is a kind of destruction to love.
The most tangled thing is not that people can't get on the bus, but that people can't get off the bus when they get to the station.
6. Dear friends, I hope you will no longer be afraid of loneliness, face your former self, and yearn for a sense of security from the outside world. Instead, you will find the stable strength from yourself, the courage to persevere, and find your own rhythm. That's your own strength, enough to replace the sun in your night.
7. I am completely hurt, and I love you to despair.
8. What you can say is not necessarily too concerned; What can be written can actually be put down; What exists in your heart is something you can't stop.
9. Mind everything and forgive everything.
10, you have a lot of backbone and ideas. You are not willing to be mediocre, but you are lazy.
1 1, just those hurried feet, not the heart yearning for the distance.
12, the promise that was once vowed has now turned into a sadness that is not worth mentioning.
Sometimes, love is like a weak light bulb. The future is too far away to shine.
14, keep me, I promise to be fine.
15. Later, she staggered into tears and said it didn't matter.
16, except two of a kind, all likes are sad.
17, I found that I couldn't take anything with me when I left.
18, you can cry or hate, but you can't be weak, because there are still a group of people behind you waiting to see your jokes.
A short humorous joke.
1. Classic Quotations: Human comedy is not necessarily directly related to money, but tragedy is closely related to Dachuan's money. When we desperately make money, happiness is always there; But when we want to buy happiness with money, we find that happiness is priceless. Feelings are true and pure before they are related to money; Once feelings and money are intertwined, feelings become more and more hypocritical.
Second, many times in life, just like a series of wars, we are always eager to win, but we don't refuse to fail. Lost feelings, the mood is still there; Ideals are disillusioned and thoughts remain; Lost opportunities, there are still opportunities. Even the painful past is the mark of our life, and we don't need to forget it. You don't have to show others the wound. Hurt others' eyes, but hurt your own heart. I believe that as long as we persist, we cannot be completely defeated.
Dad drives a bus and likes to sing some old songs while driving. One day, a bus full of passengers was speeding on the road. He was in a good mood and began to sing again. Suddenly, the noisy carriage was quiet. All the people looked at Dad intoxicated by his singing with strange eyes, only to hear him sing loudly: Pig! Sheep! Where to send it! Send it there. ...
One night, my third-grade daughter was doing her arithmetic homework. I was in the kitchen, and she called me, "1 15 divided by 5 is what?" I answered for her. Then she asked, "How much is 180 divided by 9?" I answer again. When she asked the fourth question, I said, "Why do you always ask me instead of solving it yourself?" She said, "The book says you can use any method."
I met a brain teaser in class today. She asked why we couldn't see God's penis. I thought for a long time and didn't respond. As a result, a teacher of 2b said beside me, because pheasants can't be exposed. ...
Xiao Lin was waiting for the bus at the station, and a girl kept staring at him and laughing. Xiaolin knew that she was handsome and attracted the attention of girls, so she walked around a few times. In this way, the girl opposite smiled more brightly. Kobayashi saw it and began to pace more vigorously in the same place. The aunt on the side said to Kobayashi, "Young man, will you stop stepping on shit?"
Seven, the beauty stayed in the hotel for one night. When she checked out, 800 yuan complained that it was too expensive. The manager said that this is a standard charge. The hotel has a swimming pool, a gym and wifi. The beauty said she never used it, and the manager said the hotel provided it, but she never used it herself. The female guest opened her purse to pay the bill, but said that she would deduct the manager and her 700 yuan for the Spring Festival Evening, and only took out 100 yuan. The manager shouted, "Where am I?" Female guest: "I have provided it, but you don't need it yourself."
Eight, early self-study, a buddy in the class may be too sleepy, and fell asleep after reading for a while. The weather looked good at that time. But in a short time, the weather suddenly changed, and it was dark at once, so some students turned on the lights in the class. The self-study class soon ended, and the bell rang. My brother looked up and the class was brightly lit. He shouted, I grass! Why didn't anyone call me when I was studying at night? The whole class laughed! That guy was dumbfounded on the spot.
Nine, MM: "I was angry with you the other day!" Me: "I don't seem to have offended you!" " MM: "I asked you the other day that you could only choose between 5 million and your lover, and you chose 5 million." So I got angry. Me: I'm sorry, then what? I don't think I apologized to you, do I? "MM:" No, but then I thought about it, and I will choose 5 million, so I forgive you. "Me:" ... "
Ten, the rice should be eaten bite by bite, and the road should be walked step by step. How can you tell the good guys apart without meeting some scum? How can you know what you like and don't like without trying something more? Because of experience, I know You don't know what you really want until you really do it. When the heartbeat slows down, the action can be accelerated. -"Take your time, everything is in time"
1 1. On the factory bus to work, MM asked me, "My computer doesn't work well, and it always crashes." I said, "Then go back and check the virus, and remember to upgrade the antivirus software." The next morning, I saw MM on the bus again. I asked casually, "Have you checked? How come? " Then MM said loudly, "I'm so angry. I checked for a long time and said it was not poisonous. " . What did you say?/Sorry? "At that time, it was very cold ... now I remember it very clearly.
Twelve-year-old, my little cousin, four-year-old, was playing in bed one day, and her father was watching TV by the bed ... Suddenly she accidentally fell off the bed, so she quickly got up and slapped her father decisively and said, "What do you think of children?"
Thirteen, we usually call those low-level, superficial and childish things pediatrics. If this is the case, then feminine things such as affectation, narrow-mindedness, pursuit of fashion and petty bourgeoisie can be classified as gynecology; Then, those rude and savage animal sexual desires of human beings can be classified as veterinarians or animal epidemic prevention stations.
14. Women are called beauties, coquettish ones are called talented women, wooden ones are called ladies, faded ones are called gentleness, fierce ones are called boldness, silly ones are called sunshine, malicious ones are called Leng Yan, native ones are called dignified, foreign ones are called temperament, strange ones are called personality, bandits are called capable, coquettish ones are called tasteful, tender ones are called youth and beautiful, and old ones are called charm and waves.
Fifteen, three people brag whose wife is the thinnest. A Dai: "My wife's scarf can be worn as clothes." Agua refused to accept: "My wife can fall into the sewer if she takes a shower carelessly." Hua said calmly, "My wife swallowed an almond and everyone thought she was pregnant."
Sixteen, one day, the dog asked the wolf; Do you have a house or a car? The wolf said no. The dog asked again; Do you have three meals a day and fruit? The wolf said no, did you have anyone to coax you to play and take you shopping? The wolf said no. The dog said contemptuously, you are so incompetent that you have nothing! The wolf smiled; I have a character of not eating shit and a goal to pursue; I have freedom that you don't have; I am a lonely wolf, and you are just a happy dog.
17. Husband and wife sleep in the quilt. The husband sneezed and sprayed it on his wife's face. The wife said: Tell me in advance if you have any more information, and talk about it later. Husband said loudly: Prepare! The wife hurriedly got into the quilt, only to hear a bang, and her husband farted. ...
18. Taking my three-year-old son for an injection, the little nurse teased him and said, Did the child go to kindergarten? Can you sing? Sing a song for aunt! The baby said, I can't sing, I can recite poems. Then recite a poem for my aunt. The baby said: at noon that day, the nurse was really hard, holding a small broken needle all morning.
19. In Chinese class, I drew a pig on a piece of paper with a watercolor pen, and then gently stuck the paper on the back of a beautiful woman in front of me. Unexpectedly, she found it in a few minutes. She tore off the paper, looked at me with murderous eyes and said, "Hum, I'll get even with you after class." I was puzzled and asked her, "Why do you feel there is a pig behind you?" Then I felt that there was something wrong with this statement.
Twenty, "On the bus, a little boy of 134 years old sat in front of me, and his mother was beside him. Every stop of the bus will announce, "Please give your seat to the old, the weak and the sick." "So the little boy asked his mother," "Mom, what are the weaknesses of the old, the weak and the sick?" "Mom thought for a moment and said," "It's mentally retarded." "The little boy turned a circle and stopped on me. I smiled at him and he stood up and said, "Uncle, please sit down. " ""
Twenty-one, I took a course today and decisively skipped class. Everyone knows that I didn't go. Then I heard that the teacher assigned homework in class and handed it in. The elder brothers did a good job of warming their hearts, and everyone handed me a copy!
22. For people, money is never the first important thing, but it is always the second important thing, so money worship is innocent. But money worship has a premise, you have to find the first important thing, that is, your "soul", which may be true love, justice, conscience or other qualities. Everyone must pursue the soul, otherwise money worship will become a monster-Lang Xianping.
Twenty-three, after dinner, my husband went to make tea and accidentally bumped into the bowl where he was eating. As a result, the bowl fell to the ground and broke. My heart aches badly. This is the new bowl I just bought. It costs more than ten yuan each. I started nagging my husband. When my son saw me, he quickly gave me the bowl I ate and said, "Mom, you threw the bowl on the ground and broke it, so you and dad are even."
Twenty-four, go to a company for an interview. You brag about how good you are on your resume and how bad you are during the interview! The next day, the personnel called to say that you passed, and our unit needs a shameless young man like you!
Twenty-five, a boy asked his long-cherished girl: What are your criteria for choosing a boyfriend? The little girl replied shyly: there is no standard, just hit it off! The little boy was stunned! After a while, I got up the courage and continued to ask: Do I have to have a round head? Can it be flat?
1. The PE teacher said: Whoever dares to wear a skirt to my class will be punished for handstand! Your husband has been sleeping in other places, and you have been forced to get out of bed. Living in my heart, have you paid the rent? The highest state of being a man is not that you pick up girls, but that girls pick up you. At school, I spend my time on money, while at work, I spend my time on money.
Twenty-six, go on a date with mm, she is at the departure station, and I am halfway. She said: You wait there. I'll tell you to get on the bus as soon as I get there. Let's pretend we don't know each other when we get on the bus, and then we can play the young people of the new era who meet and fall in love on the bus, ok? I said, okay, okay. So I waited and waited at the bus stop. Finally, the mm bus is coming! The affair happened! I didn't squeeze in = =!
Twenty-seven On the bus, I heard a boy about 8 or 9 years old say to the little girl next to him, "Who says you can't predict the future?" At least I can know my child's last name, and you will be miserable. I don't know what your child's surname is! " Without thinking, the little girl replied loudly, "Mm-hmm, that's right!" However, my child must be my child, not your child ... "
Man: My wife is missing. Please help me find it! Policeman: What are her characteristics? Man: Not tall or fat, a little bald, with a big nose. Policeman: Then why are you looking for her?
Twenty-nine, attractive women have more activities and fewer homes. Go out, a flower. Stay at home, mom. Go shopping and spend your money. No matter how busy people are, they should put on makeup. Sleep more, money is wasted. Who are you saving it for? Don't be silly. Don't wait, I'm dizzy. No matter how good the clothes are, the waist is turned into shrimp. No matter how good the rice is, it has no teeth. No matter how good a person is, he feels bad. No matter how good a person is, tofu dregs!
30. The beauty of learning lies in confusing people; The beauty of poetry lies in inciting men and women to cheat; The beauty of a woman lies in being stupid without regrets; The beauty of a man lies in lying.
Our school is a good school! Although we finish class late, we start class early! Although we have less rest, we have more classes! Although we are very cold in winter, we are very hot in summer! Although the holiday is late, the school starts early! Although we have less activities, we have more homework! Looking for a school, you should choose this! Go to school more and have fewer holidays!
Thirty-two, when the Chinese teacher turned around, Lu Xun was willing to be a willing cow; Looking back, the math teacher can ask for six dollars six times; The English teacher turned around and ran around the world with a mouthful of foreign languages; When the physics teacher turned around, a lever moved the earth; When the chemistry teacher turned around, carbon dioxide turned into gasoline; As soon as the labor teacher turned around, he came to the catwalk with scrap metal; As soon as the PE teacher turned around, Daiyu could also play football. As soon as the political teacher turned around, the whole class sleepwalked; As soon as the art teacher turned around, Mona Lisa became romantic.
33. One day in class, Qin Xiao was playing with his mobile phone again. I don't know when her teacher came up and said, you don't care about me at all. Qin Xiao said aggrieved: It's not that I don't take you seriously. Just because I didn't see you coming. ...
I am a lonely tree, standing on the roadside for thousands of years, waiting alone, just for one day, when you walk gently on the roadside, I will fall for you-damn, even if I can't kill you, I will live in vain.
Thirty-five, the wife is an operating system, once installed and uninstalled, it is very troublesome; Second, the internet, with unlimited scenery and money constantly spent; Xiaomi is a tablecloth. You can change it every day as long as you are interested. Miss is pirated software, don't forget to kill the virus first when using it. Wife is a periodical. If you choose her, you have to pay something. Ernai is a novel, and it is very tiring to read it from beginning to end; Xiaomi is a prose poem, which is meaningful and far-reaching. Miss is a cartoon, which is readable by everyone and cheap!
36. Naked marriage may represent an era or a kind of spirit, which ultimately needs people to interpret. However, perhaps the most complete interpretation and evaluation of the value of naked marriage is a clear and thorough life for everyone. Life is not long, but it is not short. Grasping this unique lifelong orientation is the alchemy of naked marriage.
Thirty-seven, "a colleague, he often says," it's my treat who goes to the bathroom with me. " "No one has responded to him before, and often let him roll his calf. Today, he said it was a treat, and a colleague calmly said, "You can pretend if you have the ability." "All the colleagues sitting around a table burst into laughter."
On the subway, an old man stared at the young man around him for a long time and said to him, "Look at your face, young man, you should weigh 80 kilograms!" " The young man was surprised: "Grandpa, you are so accurate." Can you help me look at this year's fortune? "Grandpa replied," look at you! You stepped on my foot! ! ! "
Once upon a time, there were five dragons in Jin Mu. One day, the waterspout moved Fannian to the lower bound without permission, and the gods were furious. He said to the four dragons in Jin Mu's living picture, "Go and grab the waterspout at once and bring its head to me!" " Three days later, the four dragons prevailed and presented something to the gods. God opened the package and asked in confusion, "What is this?" The four dragons said in unison, "This is the faucet you want!"
Once chatting with a friend, the friend 1 asked, "Sister Furong and Sister Feng fell into the sea at the same time. You have a brick. Who did you shoot at? " I replied, "throw it with your back to them, and whoever you throw it is who you are." Friend 2 said, "I'll shoot whoever saves them." I thought, well, you win! !
Forty, after geography class, the teacher asked a pupil, "What did you gain in this class?" Pupil: "The biggest gain is to make me feel that the teacher is smarter than my father." The teacher smiled and said, "Tell me about it." Student: "My father didn't know that the earth was turning until he drank wine. You didn't know until you drank wine."
Forty-one, the beautiful woman stayed in the hotel for one night and paid 800 yuan. She complained that it was too expensive. The manager said that this is a standard charge. The hotel has a swimming pool, a gym and wifi. The beauty said she never used it, and the manager said the hotel provided it, but she never used it herself. The female guest opened her purse to pay the bill, but said that she would deduct the manager and her 700 yuan for the Spring Festival Evening, and only took out 100 yuan. The manager shouted, "Where am I?" Female guest: "I have provided it, but you don't need it yourself."
Forty-two, man: marry me! I love you! I can't live without you! Woman: No, my mother will be unhappy. She said you were so worthless. Man: Oh, if you don't promise, I will die in front of you! Say that finish, he picked up a pistol. W: Just a moment, please. I'll ask my mother. Man: Hey, hey, I knew it would work. Woman: My mother said that I am an adult and can watch this bloody scene. ...
Forty-three, my boyfriend said that today, on the side of the road, a girl came over and looked like a college student. Like asking for directions, I came up and called, "Uncle … Shit, I'm not thirty yet. How can I be like an uncle? " ? So I clenched my fists: Sister-in-law, what's the matter?
Comfort is the right of the dead, and pain is the obligation of the living. 2. Explanation is cover-up, and cover-up is story telling. Half of a person's life is unlucky, and the other half is how to deal with it. People can be unhappy for a while, but they can't be unhappy for a lifetime. Personality can not only push you to the abyss, but also help you to the other side of success. 6. Don't wait until everyone says you're ugly before you realize that you're really ugly.
45. All men in the world are liars. Beautiful or not, women will be cheated. The difference is that the lucky woman found a big liar and cheated her all her life. The unfortunate woman found a little liar and cheated her for some time. ...
Forty-six, birth, old age, illness and death are: live well, get old slowly, get sick late, and die quickly. As long as everything is optimistic, optimistic, detached and indifferent, the immunity of the mind will continue to increase, and then troubles and sadness will be helpless to us.
47. Husband and wife sleep in the quilt. The husband sneezed and sprayed it on his wife's face. The wife said: Tell me in advance if you have any more information, and talk about it later. Husband said loudly: Prepare! The wife hurriedly got into the quilt, only to hear a bang, and her husband farted. ...
Forty-eight, people don't commit me, I don't commit crimes; If people offend me, comity three points; If people force me again, I'll give you an injection; People still attack me and kill the grass.
49. In Chinese class, I drew a pig on a piece of paper with a watercolor pen, and then gently stuck the paper on the back of a beautiful woman in front of me. Unexpectedly, she found it in a few minutes. She tore off the paper, looked at me with murderous eyes and said, "Hum, I'll get even with you after class." I was puzzled and asked her, "Why do you feel there is a pig behind you?" Then I felt that there was something wrong with this statement.
Fifty, cut off your retreat, in order to better win the way out ... Many times, we all need courage to cut off our retreat. Because there is a retreat behind us, we will feel lucky and comfortable, and the pace of progress will slow down; If there is no retreat behind us, we can concentrate all our energy, go forward and win a way out for ourselves.
Fifty-one, dating is forbidden in school, but two students in our class still talk in secret. After being found by the class teacher, call the parents. The class teacher originally wanted parents to talk about their children. As a result, the parents chatted and found that the other family was in good condition, so they got engaged and engaged. ...
Fifty-two, the first part: envy and hate; Bottom line: emptiness, loneliness and cold; Horizontal criticism: paralyzing my singleness. -Kill that couple with your eyes!
Fifty-three, a child stood by the blacksmith's shop and watched the blacksmith strike while the iron was hot! The blacksmith hated her a little, so he took out the red-hot iron and put it in front of the child to scare him! The child winked and said, "If you give me a dollar, I will lick it!" " Hearing this, the blacksmith immediately took out a dollar and gave it to the little girl! The child took the money, licked it with his tongue, put it in his pocket and left. ...
Fifty-four, when living in high school, the dormitory is not allowed to go out after lights out. When I am hungry at night, I always send dormitory representatives over the wall to buy instant noodles for supper. One day, a classmate went out for a long time and didn't come back. It was not until midnight that the goods knocked at the door with a black face. Only after asking did I know that the wicked had removed the sewer cover under the fence. The goods climbed over the wall and fell into the ditch and passed out.
55. Colleague asked: Who is better, Guo Jing or Qiao Feng? Another colleague replied, "I don't know who fights badly." If you beat your wife, Guo Jing looks like a grandson in front of Huang Rong, and Qiao Feng slaps and kills Zhu. It's cruel. Who do you think is good? " Colleague: ...
56. In the mid-term exam, the teacher only gave an application question: What is courage? There are only five words in the paper handed in by a classmate: this is courage! Teacher: "Come here, Little Rabbit. I have two questions for you. After answering the first question, you don't have to answer the second one. " Teacher: "How many hairs do you have?" Classmate: "123,601." Teacher: "How do you know?" Classmate: "There is no need to answer this question."