Keywords: communication, influence, emotion, concern
I am not a good communicator. But with the need of work, I became more and more aware of the importance of communication and influence, and began to think about how to build a good communication relationship and establish influence, so as to better integrate resources. But can you cultivate good communication skills without a good mouth? By studying Li Shanyou's First Principles Classroom, I also began to explore how to form a good communication influence.
A coach I met in the gym last year is the most influential fitness instructor I have ever seen. People who have taken his classes, even those in their fifties who have no feeling about fitness, patients with severe lazy cancer who never exercise, stubborn middle-aged uncles who have been pitted by the black private religion against fitness, and brand designers who are very persistent about their own living conditions, have all turned to powder and become loyal members who have followed him for several years.
The most powerful person in his hand is the president of China District of a multinational listed company, a very tough and domineering woman. It is said that during several training trips to the other company, she has witnessed more than five subordinates crying. Such a strong woman with domineering side leakage can start from fitness under the guidance of a coach and practice for three to five years. From the beginning, she refused to do anything, and sometimes she was so tired that she lost her temper. Now, she listened to the "one more group" randomly added by the coach and obeyed. I've always wondered how such a fierce figure was persuaded. Later, after many observations, I found that the biggest charm of this star coach is to "effectively praise each other."
From the initial contact before the training, he will positively affirm the attitude and state of the trainees and stimulate their positive emotions. Then in the subsequent training process, he will continue to tap each other's every effort and give the most sincere praise! After a class, regardless of the students' foundation, they will feel that they are making progress and trying to be recognized. This has created the motivation to continue.
This incident caused me to think. What does a person's communication ability and influence depend on? Are there any traces of daily communication and influence building?
How can we form good communication and influence? I try to think from the origin of interpersonal communication.
First of all, let me search for the definitions of the two.
Communication ability: the process of mutual transmission and feedback of people's thoughts and feelings, which can finally achieve the consistency of thoughts and smooth feelings.
Influence: the ability to change others' thoughts and behaviors in a way that others are willing to accept.
Judging from these two definitions, there are two key points in communication and influencing others: 1. Find ways that others are willing to accept; 2。 Change the behavior of others, so that thoughts and feelings can be unified.
Let's look at the second point first. What ultimately determines human behavior?
We can find the answer from the most basic cornerstone assumption.
Cornerstone hypothesis: life is to pass on its own unique genes. People are selfish by nature. Without innate altruism, people's nature will think more about themselves.
This is the core idea of charles dow Jenkins' classic book Selfish Genes in the 20th century.
This is a very landmark statement. Because this hypothesis can not only be applied to biology, but also be used to understand why human beings have sexual reproduction and why human beings are related by blood, and it can also explain the incomprehensible behavior activities in our daily life.
For example, why are people not 100% rational? Why do humans who have evolved for so long still retain all kinds of irrational emotions, as well as anger, jealousy and prejudice, which have a negative impact on our rational decision-making?
What is rationality is a behavioral decision that can make use of all known conditions and resources to maximize one's own interests (maximize the probability of future survival). Since reason has been able to give full play to our advantages, why are there emotions?
The reasonable explanation is that emotions also play an important role in transmitting genes and increasing the probability of survival.
Inference 1: Every emotional expression of everyone has its own reasons.
Rational decision-making is a process in which the brain draws conclusions through analysis and thinking, which often takes a certain amount of time and energy, while emotions are often immediate reactions without thinking through the cerebral cortex. In other words, emotion is a stress response to a situation in many cases. For example, we climbed to the edge of the cliff, stretched out our arms against the railing and took a handsome travel photo. Suddenly, we felt the railing sway, and immediately got scared and hurried back. Fear here protects us from further danger. Maybe if we carefully calculate the steepness of the cliff, the stability of the railing and the friction of the sole, the position just now will not really fall, but if there is a crisis, it will be too late to calculate and think. In this emergency, stress can protect our survival probability better than reason.
Similarly, anger is beneficial to some extent, and it is a way to help yourself get resources. For example, a bad merchant neglected a customer, and the problem has not been effectively solved. If customers are really angry at this time and quarrel directly with merchants and bosses, it is easy to get more attention and solve problems. The anger shown at this time actually increased the bargaining chip and helped them gain greater benefits.
This kind of emotional negotiation was actually obtained when we were born: when we were babies, we knew to express our needs by crying. As the saying goes, "Children who cry have milk to drink"; After learning to walk, I accidentally fell down. Children cry when adults are around, but when no one is around, they may rub their legs and stand up by themselves. .
Having said that, we actually know that many emotions are expressed not just to vent one emotion, but more often because there are other unmet needs behind the emotions. To solve emotional problems, we need to solve the appeal problem behind emotions.
Therefore, the first communication point in the performance is:
In daily communication, we should attach importance to the expression of each other's emotions and grasp rather than ignore each other's emotional output, because every emotional output is subconsciously conveying new needs. Only by digging out and solving the demands behind emotions can we solve problems efficiently.
Give a small example in life.
Some time ago, my mother came to see me in the city where I work. When I was ready to have breakfast together the next morning, I opened the "Get" APP to listen to the daily audio class as usual. Unexpectedly, the mother who was preparing to eat next to her paused and suddenly became angry. She frowned and said, "What's so good about jabbering? Can't you have a quiet meal in the morning? " ! I explained that this is the knowledge I can use, and I study more efficiently at breakfast. As a result, she was even more angry and still insisted. "Listen to yourself, anyway, I just can't listen when I'm around!" This is unreasonable. I just want to get angry, and an unpleasant quarrel is inevitable. But before I got angry, I suddenly realized that I should not stay on the expressed emotions, but understand the truth behind her anger.
First of all, my mother is an intellectual, but using "nonsense" to describe audio shows that she doesn't understand-maybe because I was playing at twice the speed, she couldn't hear the content of the audio clearly and lacked a sense of participation. Secondly, she asked, "I can't hear it when I'm around", which means that the existence of audio affects her instant feelings. Careful analysis, I have a job during the day and go to exercise at night. The time for two people to communicate together every day is limited to breakfast time. At this time, my attention was distracted by the knowledge audio, and her feeling would be that her existence was ignored and she had no time to communicate with me. Thinking of this, I suddenly understood my mother's feelings. My mother came all the way to see me, only to find that she had no time to communicate with me, and her existence was completely ignored. This must be hard. So, I immediately relented, took the initiative to turn off the stereo, enthusiastically praised my mother's breakfast, and chatted with her while eating breakfast. Her mood cleared up at once.
This thinking process has given me a further understanding of the excavation of emotions. Many times, the other party may not be able to explain the intention behind the emotion. At this time, we need to jump out of our emotional stress reaction, think rationally about the reasons and solve the problems.
There are countless such examples between husband and wife.
For example, the wife is angry with her husband for coming home from work to play games every day. "Play will know how to play. Are you tired alone? " . The husband was also angry after listening. "Where did you get such a big pressure and work so hard? Why can't you understand my feelings? " At this time, it is easy to have an argument based on emotions, but if we dig the subtext behind emotions, things will become simpler and easier to solve: the wife is probably angry because she doesn't pay attention to her husband, and her tired feelings are not taken seriously. At this time, she hopes to get her husband's concern. The husband is also very tired and difficult to understand. If at this time, the husband says: Wife, you have worked hard, and I especially understand you. I'm having a rough day at work, and I really want to vent. My wife will probably stop being angry and understand her husband playing games! Because my anger was not taken care of, the demands behind it were answered.
In addition to resolving contradictions, grasping the subtle emotional changes of the other party can also improve the relationship.
Take the life of husband and wife as an example.
My husband is watching TV. At this time, the picture of French lavender sea of flowers appeared on TV. My wife, who is hanging clothes at this time, saw it and couldn't help sighing, how beautiful it is! At this time, if the husband captures the envy of the wife in time and gives positive feedback, such as: "Do you like it? Let's travel here together in the future! " The relationship between the two people will be further narrowed, and this moment will also add a weight to the good memories of husband and wife's life.
This idea was confirmed in the book Marriage by Pope John Goldman. In the book, the key moment when this emotional point is thrown is called "sliding door moment", which means the moment when one side sends a signal to the other. This signal is sent to seek the understanding and support of the other party. This concept is similar to paying attention to and grasping the emotional changes of the other party in communication before analysis. Positive response can not only improve the quality of marriage, but also avoid quarrels. Imagine if in the scene just now, the husband rudely interrupted his wife and accused her of disturbing himself to watch TV. Will there be bloodshed?
This communication principle can also be widely used in work, except in the relationship between husband and wife.
For example, colleague Xiao Zhang worked overtime for several days, but failed to have a good rest and lost the opportunity to meet his girlfriend. He is very depressed and has no spirit at all. At this time, his repression is actually expressing an invisible dissatisfaction. If you scold at this time, why is it so bad recently? Can you work hard! It is likely to cause Xiao Zhang's emotional outburst, laziness, and even emotional radicalization to resign directly.
But if we give a positive response to Xiao Zhang's depression at this time, the situation will be very different. For example, pat him on the shoulder and say, "It's hard to work overtime these days. You all work hard for this project. The development of this project is inseparable from your efforts! When the project is over, let you have a good rest! " This not only takes care of the other party's lost emotions, but also affirms the previous efforts, and finally provides a solution of "having a good rest after the project" for the appeal behind "not having a good rest". In this way, a "low-pressure storm" can be subtly dissolved into invisibility.
So once again, the first point of solving communication skills is to recognize the significance of your own emotional expression, attach importance to the emotional output of the other party, and give positive feedback in time.
On this basis, further excavation, how to find a way that others are willing to accept?
Inference 2: What people really care about is themselves.
This is a conclusion that can be easily deduced from the cornerstone assumption of "selfishness of human nature". Just like the quarrel mentioned above, everyone cares that their feelings are violated and their interests are not guaranteed-the wife feels that her efforts are not respected, and her colleague Xiao Zhang thinks that her efforts are not affirmed.
Combined with the first inference, people always convey certain demands through emotions, while the second one mentions that the core protagonist of people's demands is often themselves. Thus, people often convey their inner needs and desires through emotional expression (or language and behavior), and the subtext behind it is: "I" needs to be concerned, and "I" needs your attention.
In addition, we can draw the following conclusion:
Inference 3: People have a potential desire to be concerned and valued.
Yes, everyone is eager to be noticed, valued and liked from birth. From this perspective, many times, children's crying and naughty are also because they are eager to get the continuous attention of their parents. The wife's anger is largely because her feelings have not been paid enough attention by her husband, and the dissatisfaction of subordinates is often that her efforts have not been affirmed and appreciated by her boss!
This seemingly simple conclusion actually has a very shocking effect. Because of this conclusion, it is extremely easy to become a popular person:
These two aspects can be analyzed separately.
First, pay attention to each other.
Carnegie once said: "If a person cares about others sincerely, he will make more friends in two months than waiting for others to be interested in you in two years."
There are many ways to pay attention to each other, which can include: paying attention to details, listening carefully and praising actively. With the increase of working years and life experience, I think paying attention to each other can greatly improve your current interpersonal relationship.
Go back to the example at the beginning of the article.
By praising each other's progress, fitness coaches help members who are not adapted to sports and fitness to build up their initial confidence, which is the most important driving force for them to persist for a long time.
Give another example from life.
The husband came home from work normally and saw his wife cooking at home. The husband said, "I'm starving. Is your meal ready? I'm waiting for dinner. "
This is an ordinary family scene. The wife's reaction may be that she is busy setting the table in distress, or she may be dissatisfied because of her husband's urging.
But if you change the scene:
I came home from work normally and saw my wife cooking at home. The husband said, "Wow, it smells good. What delicious food have you cooked? I'm hungry. I am so lucky to have such an excellent wife. "
I believe that before the husband enters the door, no matter what the wife's mood is, she will smile and be full of sweetness when she hears these words. Predictably, two people will have a very happy dinner time! This is the charm of positive praise.
Other ways to pay attention to each other have also proved to be very effective.
I still remember an accidental opportunity to offer condolences and care to retired senior government cadres. In fact, I don't understand their work performance at all. I can only silently listen to the other person's gushing about his past glory, nodding and smiling from time to time, and occasionally asking a few polite questions along the topic. As a result, when I left, several old leaders praised me as a chat expert and had ideas. Chatting with me is very pleasant! In fact, they talked all afternoon by themselves!
Being good at listening is an interesting "communication" skill, and it is easy for the other party to feel that their expression is respected, so it is easy to gain the other party's good opinion.
Many times, chasing a girl is the same. When a boy says to a girl, "I noticed you at the first sight in the crowd, you are a unique existence in this group." Nine times out of ten, the girl who is praised will have a good impression on this boy, because in the eyes of this boy, she is concerned and valued!
All theories can be applied in work.
Studies have proved that besides the most basic cash rewards, those spiritual rewards are equally important for employees' motivation! Sometimes, it is even more important than material rewards!
For example, when I tried to write a copy, I got unanimous praise from the company leaders; When your progress is constantly affirmed and praised by department leaders, even if you don't get a promotion and salary increase immediately, the sense of accomplishment you get will make you more identify with this team and company.
Tencent may be a company that has done a good job in this kind of spiritual reward. I still remember Liang Ning once said that Tencent's internal communication software has a merit list, which will list every moment, which program or software has been improved a little with the efforts of which colleague. Although this may not be a big compliment, every time I think that my colleagues can see their names on the merit list, I will feel very proud invisibly, because it is an affirmation of the company's subtle efforts!
Therefore, to capture a person's goodwill, a very effective way is to give the other person attention and attention! Whether your communication skills are sophisticated or clumsy, paying attention to this matter itself will increase your behavior in the eyes of the other party.
On the other hand, we should pay attention to avoid ignoring each other's efforts and losing our sense of existence.
When children are around, parents often chat with other adults. When children chat, they suddenly get angry or impatiently interrupt "Stop talking!" Or they will rub around you in various naughty ways in an attempt to attract attention. Now that I think about it, at this time, children's sense of self-existence is ignored by their parents.
In the workplace, if it is often ignored, it will often be accompanied by pent-up dissatisfaction. This kind of neglect may be that efforts are not seen, power is not delegated, achievements are not recognized, and so on. Ma Yun once concluded that there are two reasons why employees quit their jobs. One is that the money is not given in place, and the other is that they are wronged. Brother's words also confirm the importance of this matter!
How to prevent employees and subordinates from falling into the trap of "small transparency"?
Personal understanding can be considered from two aspects: mechanism and human resources.
In view of the omissions that the leaders themselves may easily cause, it will be a good idea to establish a regular resumption system. It can be a fixed period of time or a project system. Many times, when we think about the details that are easy to ignore at the moment, we may recapture the problem. Even if it can't be remedied, it can avoid the negligence of the same problem next time.
For the design of management system, it will be a solution to provide an upward vent for the bottom floor.
For example.
For example, Xiao Li, an employee, is the person in charge of leading the team to do tasks, but department leaders always like to take credit and attribute the achievements of Xiao Li's team to their own abilities. At this time, Xiao Li can easily feel unfair, neglected and wronged. At this time, the resumption of work after the completion of the project, or the resumption of work at the end of the year, or a complaint email within a company may help alleviate the neglected dilemma.
Avoiding an unknown crisis is to gain income in disguise.
Therefore, even the organization managers who are new to the workplace can use the theory to get rid of the thunder in organizational communication in advance and drill out the gold of organizational management.
04 abstract
In fact, even if you don't have particularly good oral skills and speaking skills, you can build good communication and influence. It depends on thinking about the ultimate goal and way of human communication from the origin of human nature and influencing others. Based on the cornerstone assumption that human nature is inherently selfish, this paper deduces two inferences: "emotional appeal" and "longing for attention", and summarizes the spread and application of these two inferences in daily life and enterprise organization. These two principles have benefited the author, and I hope more people can easily improve their communication skills and establish better interpersonal relationships.
Reference book:
Richard Dawkins's selfish gene.
"Cunning Emotion" De Eyal Winter
Thinking, Fast and Slow: Daniel Kahneman
John Goldman's The Game of Love.
The secret of making a good impression.
Dale Carnegie's The Weakness of Human Nature.