Write down at least ten rules and use the following criteria: You should be able to follow the rules, which should be able to keep a balance with who you are and what you want. My principle is: don't let the other person know your address on the first date. Create a sense of urgency at the end of the date to avoid "shall we kiss?" The arrival of the embarrassing moment. Don't pay for the first date yourself (sorry, I'm very traditional on this point). Give every man a chance to meet or date, because if you don't know him, you will never know if he is right for you. If it doesn't make you feel completely comfortable, then don't do it, no matter how he advises you-refusal is much easier to make up than regret. Okay, now it's your turn. List your rules in the log. If we use our own dating rules, we may have a relaxed sense of dating and a strong sense of autonomy, which many people urgently need. If you don't date according to your own standards and values, you will fall into the dating trap and even get hurt. Before taking risks, we need to really know how to act. If you try to fall in love without building a sense of self-security, you may continue the crisis in your twenties for a long time.
The 26-year-old lady feels great pressure to get married, especially from her mother who has always been close to her. Dating has become Missy's top priority, but she also admits that the man she is dating has little potential as a husband, which her mother has been complaining about. "Mom always interferes with my appointment. I think it's because her marriage is not perfect, so she feels obligated to make sure I make the right choice. She said that there are too many daydreamers in my date, and what I like is their carefree personality. She always encourages me to go to places where I can meet excellent men-such as attending high-end health clubs. " Is the big lady dating according to her mother's rules or her own rules?
Jessie, 28, refuses to go out to socialize unless she has a chance to meet a man. It is very important for her to start a formal relationship, and dating has become her second career. She is always looking for the right person. She tried online dating and three-minute speed dating, hired a professional matchmaker, and often wandered around places where she might meet her lover, such as grocery stores. "I'm almost 30 years old, but I'm still single. I am not ashamed to tell you that I have really tried, and I will continue to try every possible method. Online dating is really no different from meeting people in a bar-sometimes you will stay for a second drink, and other times you will find an excuse to go to the bathroom and run away as soon as possible. I just want to find someone quickly, so I don't have to worry about one person. " Is Jesse's dating rule based on a strong sense of self or an unbearable fear of loneliness?
Without a solid foundation, dating will have all kinds of problems. Missy and Jesse's story are just two examples. Other problems include the rapid development of feelings, allowing dating to occupy all our ideological space, and unwillingness to be honest about who we are and what we need, just because we think we should date. Just like Jessie, many people adopt the method of "do, do, do" in love (discussed in chapter 3), regard dating as a career, and always want to find the "most suitable husband" instead of getting to know themselves better. We put appointments on our to-do list and try to control them, hoping that one day we can say that we have everything.
Expectation can also lead to the pain of dating. If we bring all the unrealistic expectations of that "one" to a date, we will find that "he" for a long time. And this kind of search makes us unable to relax and fall in love-the lover at this time may not be so perfect, but it may be our Mr. Right. If we fall in love with a harsh attitude, we can't stay on a date for a long time, and we can't relax enough to experience a person's excellent qualities.
Here is a typical example: when I first met my boyfriend, I didn't feel like him. But he kept chasing me, and finally I promised to have dinner with him on Monday night (he didn't show much excitement when he became Mr. Monday). However, after dating for about a minute, I was completely fascinated by him. Finally, I realized that the night we first met, I was a little scared and affected my impression of him. Thank God for giving me my own love rule-giving everyone a chance, otherwise I may miss the love of my life.
Another common problem of women in their twenties is dating sequelae. Brenner, 25, explained, "I'm not worried about dating this man because we hit it off on the phone." I bought a new suit, put on perfume, shared my best experience with him and made him laugh-we finally kissed him good night. I expected him to call me the next day, but he didn't. He never called me again-I was distracted for weeks, analyzing my date with my girl friends. I have been depressed ever since. I was so excited about this man that it turned out to be nothing. Dating is really annoying. "If Chen Lingli and her best friend went out for margaritas and felt the aftertaste of tequila, instead of indulging in the annoying expectation sequela, she might be much better.
The more fully prepared you are, the more you want to control your love, the less likely you are to date, and more symptoms will appear. As I stressed, we need to follow our own dating rules, but those rules should not be too rigid, and we should give fate room to interfere. We have all had this ridiculous experience-when we want to buy a special commodity, such as a purple candle, we can't find it anywhere. However, when we just stroll around and don't deliberately buy anything, it seems that purple candles are everywhere. You can do the same on a date.
The best dating skill I can give you is to have the confidence to pursue the love you want with a clear understanding of yourself and your goals. If we believe that men are weird, dating is frustrating, and only girls like models can catch good men, then we will spend a lot of time watching Sex and the City with our girlfriends. Also remember that being single can be very happy. No one asks you to respond, no one makes you tired, no one makes you think hard with your best friend, and you can flirt with many lovely men. Being single makes us sometimes only think about our own affairs, but also produces a strong sense of self. Of course, falling in love seems to be a lot of fun-when we see a sweet couple snuggling together and sharing dessert, we are also eager to find the other half, but being single is also a lot of fun (and precious). When we get married when we are older, we may miss the single life and cherish this warm memory.
-quoted from Yanbian People's Publishing House "The City of Girls"