The tortoise said: I am the oldest, of course, I don't have to go back to withdraw money.
The tortoise said: it is most suitable to send a small tortoise.
The little turtle said, I can go back and get the money, but after I leave, none of you can touch my cake! The tortoise and the tortoise promised, and the little tortoise left.
Because their bellies were empty, the tortoise quickly ate up his cake. However, the little turtle has been missing for a long time. On the third day, the tortoise was so hungry that they all said, let's eat the tortoise's share.
Just as they were about to start eating, the little turtle's voice came from next door: "If you dare to touch my cake, I won't go back to get the money!" " "
Two friends got paid and decided to drink.
One of them was a little worried: "My wife is very powerful and probably won't let me in."
"I went home drunk, took off my clothes outside the door first, and then rang the doorbell. When my wife opened the door, I quickly threw my clothes into the house. She saw me naked and let me in at once. "
The next day, the two met.
"Hey, how did your wife treat you yesterday?"
"Well, don't mention it!" I went to the door, took off my clothes and the door opened. I threw my clothes out, and then I heard a voice from the door: "Please pay attention and close the door at once. The next stop is People's Square. "
Hello!
Read words like a face (better not)
First of all, I apologize for opening your door without your permission. However, compared with my peers, I am very particular. No destructive tools such as electric drill and axe were used when unlocking. If you don't mind, you can still use the original lock from an economic point of view. I promise on my honor that I won't steal repeat customers. First of all, you are a small family.
Dude, tell me how I felt when I entered the house. Don't keep it from me. You just got married now. It's not something I can pinch and calculate. It was the decoration in the house that told me. I'm getting married soon, too. To this end, although I am very busy and nervous at work, I have always been very caring and have not carried out large-scale sabotage activities.
I really like the layout design of your new house, elegant chandeliers, beautiful and warm screens, and charming artistic photos of your wife by the bed. I can see you're lucky, man. In a word, everything seems so enviable. When, my buddy can get mixed up like this and quit this business. Dude, tell me about my working procedure, which will help you check and tidy up the battlefield.
There is a small safe in the living room. I had a hard time opening it, which made me quite disappointed. There are only ten letters there. I opened one and looked at it several times. It was a love letter you wrote to a little girl many years ago. If it weren't for the tight time and heavy task, I would have to take a closer look. I, besides this line, like literature, for your privacy and not to be discovered by your wife. Later, I opened it and found that there was no US dollar, only to find that you were really talented. Your love letter is really good, sour and full of hook words between the lines. No wonder your wife is so beautiful. Besides, I drank a bottle of juice from the refrigerator, which was delicious. I really forgot what brand it was. The south room, which is your bedroom, is my key place to take care of. Because I was in a hurry, the bedspread and sheets were thrown on the ground. But don't worry, I walked back and forth in your new socks, so I didn't get those things dirty. The TV and stereo are good and heavy, and I didn't take them away or destroy them (for this, you should thank me. Some people in our business can't take it with them.
I rummaged through all the drawers in the North House. I only found a diamond ring, which may be your wedding token for your wife. I didn't want to take it with me at first, but my brother really needs to get married. I have no choice but to accept. I didn't touch the rest of the things, such as toothbrush and key chain. The East Room is your bookcase. I thought you were a book lover, but when I turned it over, it was full of prop books, only leather and boxes, but no real books. I was disappointed, but I still took the DVD "world without thieves" at the bottom of the bookcase. On the one hand, I have long heard that this is a good film, so I have no time to see it. I just took it home to have a look. Secondly, I want to learn new technologies from my peers. What age is it? Knowledge explodes and updates too quickly.
I could have done my work more carefully, but because people kept walking outside and I didn't want to fight, I ended up in a hurry. This gain (including your loss, of course) is as follows:
Cash: 36,700 yuan
diamond ring
A DVD
a bottle of juice
Ten love letters
The total price cannot be estimated because of the love letter.
Although I really want to write more to you to comfort your helpless heart, I can't sleep at night because I have a new task. See you later (sorry, copy a sentence from your love letter at the end)! !
Forgive me for not leaving my name
X year x month x day, under the lamp, in a hurry.
The little white rabbit skipped to the bakery and asked, "Boss, do you have a hundred buns?"
Boss: "Oh, sorry, not that much."
"well. . . "The little white rabbit left in dismay.
The next day, the little white rabbit skipped to the bakery. "Boss, do you have a hundred steamed buns?"
Boss: "Sorry, there is still no"
"well. . . "The little white rabbit left in dismay again.
On the third day, the little white rabbit skipped to the bakery. "Boss, do you have a hundred steamed buns?"
The boss said happily, "Yes, yes, we have a hundred buns today! ! "
The little white rabbit took out the money: "Great, I'll buy two!" " "
The wife complained that it was too cold at night and bought an electric blanket. The husband was afraid it was not safe. After a long explanation, he was willing to sleep in this electric blanket.
Before going to bed, my wife put a piece of ham in the oven and baked it at low temperature, so that I don't have to hurry to make breakfast when I get up in the morning.
After midnight, a smell of meat wafted into the bedroom. The husband woke up from his dream, jumped up, shook his wife and said, "honey, wake up, we are familiar."
One day, three mice bragged together. The first mouse said, I often use rat poison as skin care products. The second mouse said, I often use a mousetrap to keep healthy. The third mouse said, have you seen the pregnant cat? That is my careless masterpiece.
When the nurse saw the patient drinking in the ward, she went over and whispered, "sweetheart!" " "The patient smiled and said," baby. "
One day, the devil took the princess away and she kept screaming.
Devil: "Just scream ... no one will come to save you ..."
Princess: "Broken throat ... broken throat ..."
No one: "Princess ... I'm coming to save you ..."
Devil: "Speak of the devil and he will come ..."
Cao Cao: "Devil .. Why did you call me ..."
Demon: "Wow ... seeing a ghost"
Ghost: "*! Was discovered .. "
*: "Ghost, can you see me ..."
Devil: "Oh, my God! 」
God: "Who called me? 」
Who: "Nobody called you ..."
Nobody said, "Where am I? Play dumb! 」
Garlic: "Who is pretending to be me? 」
Who: "It's me again? Are you looking for trouble? 」
Trouble: "which one is looking for me?" 」
Which one: "Looking for you? I didn't ... Gee, there are so many people here. 」
Many people: "I just arrived … who are you?" ? 」
Which one: "I'm not who. 」
Who: "He's not me. 」
Princess: "Is everyone here to save me? 」
Everyone: "I'm not here to save you, I'm here to watch the fun." 」
Lively: "What do I have to see? 」
God: "It's none of my business. I'll go first. " 」
Devil: "You answer a question before you go. Why do so many people save the princess? " ? How can I play this demon king? 」
Go down: "You good devil won't do it, what shall I do?" 」
Princess: "if no one hits the devil, I can go." 」
No one: "If I play the devil, how can I let you go ..."
How come: "I won't let the princess go, I want to watch the excitement." 」
Lively: "What are you looking at me for? 」
What: "You want to fuck me? Rogue! 」
How dare you: "I didn't? 」
Me: "What does it have to do with me?" 」
Demon: "*! I'm going crazy. 」
*: "Call me! ...」
Madman: "What do you want me to do? 」
You want me to say, "I don't know anything! 」
I don't know anything: "I don't know! 」
I don't know: "I'm here! Is someone calling me? 」
Someone said, "I didn't call you! 」
I didn't say, "Who called him? 」
Who: "Wrong ... I didn't ..."
I didn't say, "I haven't wronged you ..."
You: "I dare you. 」
I dare you: "Who says I dare not! ? 」
Who: "please ... I didn't say anything."
I have nothing: "What do you want me to say? 」
I am nothing: "... you ... aren't you my long-lost brother?" ”」
My long-lost brother: "Kao ... my name is very long ... I will be called ..."
Who: "... I want to leave this troublesome place. "
True or false: "So this is my place ..."
I am nothing &; No: "Stop arguing, we are talking ..."
Don't bother us: "I won't talk ..."
I didn't: "I didn't speak! ...」
I don't want anything: "-_-"... let's go out and talk ... "
Go: "I'm sorry ... (wriggle)"
I have nothing: "It's none of your business ... Go away ..." (Two brothers go out angrily)
It's none of your business: "Whoops ... why did you kick me out ..."
Why: "I don't want to kick you out ... listen ... don't cry."
I didn't say, "Oh ... What does it have to do with me?"
None of my business: "What? Did anyone call me? 」
Someone said, "Who wants to call you ..."
Who: "I really have to go ... T.T." "
Go: "I'm really embarrassed ... *V.V*" ("Who" collapsed)
None of your business: "... aren't you my cousin?" ”」
It's none of my business: "... cousins of the same age (or cousins) ... long time no see ..."
For a long time: "I'm not here ..."
Devil: "Are you finished? 」
Endless: "He doesn't have me."
You: "I don't have him."
I just said, "Who said that? 」
Who: "What do you want me to do? 」
Do you want to fuck me? 」
You: "I won't fuck him."
I said, "Who said I wouldn't? 」
Who: "Wrong! I didn't say ... "
He said, "What should I do? 」
? "You two are shameless! 」
You two: "I want it! I want it! 」
Face: "Who wants me? 」
Who: "I don't want it."
Devil: "Hurry up, or I'll kick people out."
Man: "Kick me out? Looking for k "
K: "Who wants to see me? 」
Who: "aaaaaaa! Don't mention my name, mention me again! 」
He said, "Don't trust me."
Me: "Who wants me? 」
Who: "I finally caught one. Kill it. "
One: "Don't arrest me."
Me: "I've had enough, too. If anyone mentions my name again, I will never let you go! 」
Who said, "Look at my eighteen dragon palms! 」
Me: "Look at my nine yin bones and claws! 」
Eighteen palms of dragon descending: "What am I to see? 」
Jiuyin Bones Claw: "What am I to see? 」
What's there to see: "Brother, I finally found you! 」
What is there to see? "Brother, let's go out and talk. 」
Devil: "Shit ... this is an engagement meeting ..."
1, five yuan was kidnapped by a criminal gang, and called the hundred-dollar bill: "Hey! Your son is here. If you don't want us to kill him, trade yourself for him! " The hundred-dollar bill thought for a moment and said, "Tear it up, and you won't even have five dollars!
A man was starving in the desert when he found the magic lamp. Magic lamp: "I can only realize your one wish." Hurry up, I'm in a hurry. " Man: "I want a wife ..." The magic lamp immediately conjured up a beautiful woman, and then disdainfully said: "I'm starving, and I'm greedy for beauty! Pathetic! " Then he disappeared. Man: "... bread.
The earthworm family was bored this day, so the little earthworm cut himself in two to play badminton. Mother earthworm thinks this method is good, so she cuts herself into four pieces to play mahjong. Father earthworm thought about it and cut himself into minced meat. Mother earthworm cried and said, "why are you so stupid?" You will die if you cut so hard! " Father earthworm said weakly ... I suddenly want to play football.
5. Race between the tortoise and the hare ... The hare quickly ran to the front ... The tortoise saw a snail crawling slowly ... and said to him: Come on, I'll carry you ... Then ... the snail climbed up ... Soon ... The tortoise saw an ant again ... and said to him: Come up, too ... So the ant came up. When the ant came up, he saw the snail on it and greeted him. Do you know what the snail said? The snail said, hurry up, this turtle is so fast. ..
6. A man and a woman are eating. Girls keep asking boys: Do you love me? The boy looked at the girl and went on eating dinner. The girl was very angry and asked, Do you love me? The boy finally said: Love girls, and asked: Then how do you prove it? Suddenly, the boy took out thirty dollars from his pocket and asked the girl, do you have ten dollars? The girl gave the boy ten yuan ... the boy put forty yuan on the table for a while ... The girl was very angry and asked the boy: Do you want to prove that you love me? The boy said: I have proved it! ! ! Forty is just around the corner!
7. One day, I visited a snack street and found a shop selling egg towers. Each kind looks delicious. I want to buy one to try. I asked the clerk, "Is this sold separately?" The clerk said, "No, it's Japanese."
One day, a family caught fire, and both parents escaped, leaving only one son inside. Mother nervously shouted outside the house: "Son ... what are you doing ... you won't come out after the fire ..." The son replied: "I'm wearing socks ..." The mother said: "What socks are you wearing after the fire ..." Five minutes later, the son hasn't come out ... The mother shouted nervously again: "Son! Come out ~ There's a fire, and you're still inside ... "The son said," I'm taking off my socks. ........
9. A man went fishing by the river, first wearing a leaf ~ no fish was hooked for a long time, and he changed a piece of bread ~ no fish was hooked for a long time ~ there was no choice but to change earthworms ~ no fish was hooked for a long time ~ ~ He was angry ~ He took out 100rmb and fell into the water and cursed, "*-# What do you want to eat! Buy it yourself! ! !
10, a German, a Frenchman and a Japanese are going to work in the mine. The boss is American. He said to the Germans, "You have a good physique and are in charge of coolies. He said to the French, "You said you were an engineer in charge of the mining plan. To the Japanese, he said, "You are very thin. You are in charge of supply. Then every other week, they start to work. A few days later, the Germans and the French found that the Japanese had disappeared. After searching for a long time, they decided to go back to work first. When the Germans started, the Japanese suddenly jumped out and shouted, "Surprise! 」
1 1, "I can't see things too far away," the patient said to the ophthalmologist. "Please follow me," the doctor took the patient outside and pointed to the sun in the sky. "What do you think that is?" "the sun." The patient replied. "Then how far do you want to see!
One day, the animals smelled an unpleasant smell in front of Guan Gong Temple. The snake said, "I am too young to fart so smelly." It must be a cow. " The cow said, "I eat grass, and I won't fart so smelly." The pig said, "people who fart will blush." Suddenly, Guan Gong rushed out, knocked the pig away, and said, "How many times have I told you, I was born blushing. 」
13 One day, a man met God ... God suddenly showed great kindness and planned to give that man a wish ... God asked ... Do you have any wishes ... The man thought about it ... I heard that cats have nine lives ... Then please give me nine lives ... God said ... Your wish came true ... One day, that man was bored. ..
14, one day, three people were sent to the funeral home. Strangely, their smiles after death are all ... The funeral home manager asked pol.ice: Why did their faces change? The policeman said: It's ... It's a long story ... Look at the man on the left ... He and his wife spend * * a moment at most in the spring night ... I can't stand it ... The administrator replied: Alas ... I would like to die in the flowers ... It's romantic to be a ghost ... How did the middle one die? Policeman: The one in the middle ... Oh, he ... is really a human tragedy ... He was walking on the road ... Suddenly, he heard that he won the first prize ... the prize money exceeded 700 million yuan ... When he was laughing happily ... he was hit by an oncoming car ... As a result ... the administrator replied, alas .. he really didn't have enough luck to enjoy the rest of his life ... The administrator replied: ... this is a bit wrong. Why did he laugh when he was struck by lightning ... The policeman said: Because he thought ... there was a sudden flash of lightning ... He thought ... someone took a picture of him. ...
15, it is said that thousands of years ago, both male and female dogs were squatting. It was not until the Tang Dynasty that the situation changed ... You have heard of Emperor Taizong! His old man kept a pair of dogs. Once Emperor Taizong went to Huashan to worship heaven, he took the pair of ... in the middle of the sacrifice. The bitch suddenly felt anxious and ran under a tree to solve it. This is a very disrespectful behavior during the sacrifice, which annoyed the Jade Emperor. The Jade Emperor ordered Lei Gong to hit a thunder, which hit the tree right. The tree fell down and killed the bitch. The male dog was very scared when he saw it. ...
The first time, when I came back from abroad, I just got off the train and found that the zipper of my bag was not zipped. Open it and the information is still there. However, there are a few lines written by thieves in the blank of the information: such a beautiful bag, there is no money in it, and you have no money to install it. Waste my feelings!
The second time, when I was resting at home during the day and surfing the internet, I suddenly heard a voice from the kitchen. I walked over and looked at it gently. It turned out that thieves had pried open my security door and window. I took out my kitchen knife and went over to him and said, "What are you doing? If you don't leave, I will call the police. " The thief unhurriedly packed his tools, and then threw a sentence at me: "You are sick, there are people at home, make a scene!" " Busy for a long time. "Said turned to leave. ...
The third time, I walked alone in the street. A 10-year-old boy took out my clothes pocket. I turned to him and said, "What did you take out, son?" "Nonsense, money, of course." The child replied. I thought he was a child, so I scared him and said, "I don't have any money, so you don't have to dig any more, or I'll send you to the station." The child glared at me and said, "You have no money, why are you so fierce?" After leaving angrily, I was too angry to speak.
The fourth time, I came home from the night shift. It's getting late. I was taking a bath in the bathroom when I heard a noise at the door. It seems that someone is trying to pry open my door lock. So I shouted, "Who? What are you doing? " Who knows the thief replied at the door: "Don't sleep so late?" There was no sound after that. I am at a loss, in distress situation. ...
Weather forecast: From tonight to tomorrow, you will deposit RMB in your home during the day, bring some gold bars, exchange US dollars into euros at noon, and have sporadic checks at night. The meteorological department reminds you to wear your helmet and hemp belt, and prepare to make a fortune. I wish you a happy May Day!
A very good male classmate of mine fell to the ground. I asked a question to show my concern: "Does your ass hurt?" As a result, I accidentally said, "Your ass fell to death." Sweat ~ ~ The brother stood up and patted his ass, farted and said, "He is still breathing!" "
Jay Chou took Jolin Tsai to Stephen Chow to drink water. Suddenly Nicholas Tse blew and an Nicky Wu emerged from the water. Nicky Wu and Ekin Cheng rode Ka Kui Wong together and took Jolin Tsai. Jay Chou held Emil Wakin Chau, stepped on Deric Wan, crossed Zhao Benshan, crossed Rosamund Kwan, leaped over Pan Changjiang, grabbed Jolin Tsai, returned to Aaron Kwok, and hung a flag in this city called Ren Xianqi!
1. Liu Mei: Who is Confucius' teacher?
Liu Xing: Drill, where did the drill come from without drilling?
2. Liu Xing: I solemnly promise!
Xiaoyu: I seriously don't believe it!
Liu Xing: Xiaoyu, do you think we are good brothers?
Yu Xia: Of course! Meteor shower is about us!
Liu Xing said to Xia Xue: You will know how handsome your two brothers are when you see the gorilla!
5. Xiaoxue: I am looking for Xia Xue!
Liu Xing: What is your classmate's name?
6. Mom: Hey, I really shouldn't have given birth to you.
Liu Xing: Who gave birth to you? Did you get my permission?
7. Ka Koi Lam (excitedly): Are you Xia Xue's lovely brother?
Liu Xing (smirking): I am Xia Xue's lovely brother.
8. Liu Xing: I have studied under pressure for so many years and have never run away from home. Don't you think I am strong?
9. In the football match of Liu Xing's class, Xiaoyu and Xia Xiaoxue Liu Donghai May cheered for Liu Xing and shouted, "Come on, Liu Xing's class! Come on, Liu Xing's class! "
10. Xiaoyu: If they don't get along, I'll eat a hundred ice creams and kill myself!
Liu Xing: If they don't get along, I'll play computer for a month. I'm exhausted!
Liu Mei: May I come in?
Liu Xing: No.
Yu Xia: Why don't you let mom in?
Liu Xing: Don't let her in. She will be back later.
The door opened-
12. Liu Xing said, "Dad, Xiaoxue's nickname in the class is Big Sister."
Dad: "What's the matter? It is normal for you to have a nickname. "
……
Liu Xing: "The problem is that there is another boy nicknamed' Big Brother' in her class."
Dad: "So according to you, everyone in your class calls you an orangutan. Is there another girl named baboon? "
13. Liu Xing: Liu Xing No.2, look at this name, just like hybrid rice!
14. Xiaoxue: My name is Xia Xue.
Xiaoyu: My name is Yu Xia.
Liu Xing: My name is Hail.
15. Liu Xing: Mom and Dad, if someone insisted that you talk to him, would you go?
Xia Donghai: Who wants to talk to us?
Liu Mei: Patient?
Liu Xing: No, it's … our head teacher …
16. Liu Xing said with a book in his arms: "The length of time spent in the toilet does not represent whether the person is doing something big or small."
17. Liu Xing: The eagle fighting in the sky will not envy a praised chicken.
18. (midnight) Liu Xing: Mom, can you give me some money?
Mom: Why?
Liu Xing: (touching her hair) I want to dye this thing green and have a girlfriend.
Mom: Don't you dare-
Liu Xing: Why can Xiaoxue find a wild boy, but I can't find a savage girlfriend? !
Mom: If you dare to find a savage girlfriend, you will find that you have a savage mother! ! !
19. Xia Donghai: What do you suggest?
Liu Xing: What else can I do?
Xia Donghai: What do you want to do?
Liu Xing: Let's begin!
Xia Donghai: What exactly are you going to do?
Liu Xing: What else can I do? Let's get started!
Xia Donghai: Why is it so difficult for me to speak some Chinese with you? ! !
20. Xiaoyu: Eat when hungry, eat when hungry, eat when hungry, eat when hungry, and eat when hungry.
Liu Xing: No, you missed a link.
Xiaoyu: Which link?
Liu Xing: Listen (picking up chopsticks and tapping the table rhythmically). Eat when you are hungry, and be hungry when you are finished.
You are hungry after eating, and you have to eat when you are hungry.
2 1. Both Liu Xing and Xiaoxue are sleeping at the dinner table when Liu Mei comes and pulls Liu Xing's arm.
Liu Mei: Look at your watch. What time is it now? I fell asleep.
Liu Xing: I didn't sleep well last night.
Liu Mei: Playing video games again?
Liu Xing: No.
Liu Mei: So it's played online.
Liu Xing: No. I was thinking about the exam.
Liu Mei: About the exam? Did you fail the exam again?
Liu Xing: I haven't taken the exam yet!
Liu Mei: That's thinking about how to cheat?
Liu Xing: Why do you always think of me like that? !
Liu Mei: Let me see the bright side. You must give me a chance!
22. Grandma: You have to suffer to be a master.
Yu Xia: If you suffer, can you ride on others' heads?
Yu Xia: This is because the earth has no gravity.
A beautiful woman passed by an insane asylum after work in the middle of the night and was suddenly scared to death by the roar behind her. When she turned around, a man stood naked in front of her, so she started to run, followed by the man. She just ran and ran, but there was a dead end ahead. Desperate, she begged the man, "Please leave me alone, as long as you don't, you can do anything." The woman nodded. "As long as you don't kill me, suit yourself." "Well, you chase me from now on."
Two couples live with their mother-in-law, but all three are idiots. One day, the husband took a mirror outside and took a photo. He was glad to see someone inside. He told his wife that I had found a treasure. The wife saw it and called her husband shameless. This must have something to do with the woman inside. My mother-in-law looked at it and said, really, it's too old.
Longlong is a first-grade pupil. One day, the teacher asked, "The text says that bees add life to the garden. What does this mean? "
Longlong replied, "bees steal pollen, and flowers are angry!" " "
The students laughed at this.
Longlong retorted, "Where can flowers bloom if they are not angry?"
Today, the neighbor's newborn puppy was trampled to death by a circus elephant less than five days ago. The mother dog could only look at her baby with tears in her eyes and was killed by the ruthless elephant.
I heard that this is the case: in the morning, the puppy failed to live up to expectations, and accidentally fell off his leg, just killing a sleeping ant. I heard that this ant just got married, and the circus elephant rushed out of the gate like crazy …
Cruel things have just happened. ...
Hey! Unfortunately, there seems to be no bridal chamber yet.
Cheating in the exam, Qi Xin works together, mainly copying, combining copying with cheating to ensure passing. If there are informers, after-school violence fails, they will be shot.
One day, my father took Xiaoming shopping, and the downtown area was very lively! Some are playing chess: car two into four, horse eight into seven, phase three into five, car nine into six. Some are auctioning goods, and dad is very happy.
The son sat on his father's shoulder honestly and didn't make a sound; Dad is watching the fun. Suddenly, the father found his son missing and was extremely anxious. He asked people everywhere: where is my son? Passers-by replied, it's on your shoulder!