Don't wash it, but for the mud, this broken car would have fallen apart a long time ago.
When you were born, you cried and everyone laughed. When you left, you smiled and everyone cried.
Because there is always a lot of uncertainty, I will never make any promises.
The quieter the tree is, the more I love it. He is not there.
6, teenagers don't run amok, they are bold, and when they are old, where do the materials come from?
7. We want to be smart and protect ourselves. We all become masks. We want to be a blockbuster, and it has become a Beijing opera.
8. When you are in a bad mood, take the bus and sit behind your long hair to cut your hair.
9. Men have gold under their knees, and my feet have hair under their knees.
10, when the robber robbed the bank, he said a wise saying: Nobody moves, money belongs to the country, and life is his own.
1 1, met the sleeping king in the class. Personality signature: three points full in the morning, three points full in the middle and six points full after dinner.
12, men pretend to understand if they don't understand, but women are just the opposite.
13. In order to cooperate with the successful completion of family planning work in China this year, I decided not to contact friends of the opposite sex for the time being. Thank you for your cooperation.
14, the garden can't be closed. I pulled an almond out of the wall.
15, what are you unhappy about? Say it to make everyone happy.
16, when life viciously turned everything into black humor, I went with the flow and turned myself into a hooligan with a higher education.
17, don't shout everywhere that the world has abandoned you. The world doesn't belong to you.
18, I'm going to cry. I'm going to make trouble. I stayed up all night and hanged myself with a bottle of sleeping pills and a small rope.
19, our goal: look at money and earn more.
20. Love is a glass of wine. I carefully held it to my beloved, and he accidentally spilled it, so I poured water on it.
2 1, bus congestion is a comprehensive sport including Sanda, yoga, judo and balance beam.
22, holding a kitchen knife to cut the wire, sparks with lightning all the way.
23. Girls should pretend to be pure. It's as simple as changing all "I" to "others".
24. I want you to know that I am a natural beauty without any preservatives.
25. When you are tired of running, you want to have money in front and money in the back.
26. Before I quit the Jianghu, my reputation had been widely circulated in the Jianghu.
27, don't say love to others easily, don't stubbornly open other people's doors, make a joke and leave.
28. You can't please everyone, because not everyone is human.
29. Smoking is an art of life; Looking for a cigarette is an attitude towards life.
30. It doesn't matter if you don't have time to marry me. I'll be your wife, but I'll be your ghost anyway.
3 1, someone asks you for something and looks at him with a smile: What do you want to exchange with me?
32. Life is not Lin Daiyu, not because of sadness.
33. I watched a very funny TV series today, and we went to see a thunderstorm together.
A joke that makes you laugh your teeth off.
A little dirty and funny jokes make you laugh at the big teeth jokes.
1, last night's class reunion, the atmosphere was harmonious, and everyone chatted happily. I joked with the most beautiful lesbian that I would give you 100 yuan to play with me in the middle of the night tonight, and the female classmate casually said, you are really happy to talk to me about work. I burst into tears in an instant!
2. A few days ago, I asked a divorced buddy: Is it better to find a wife? My buddy smoked a cigarette silently and said to me: Be coquettish! Asked why, he sighed: it is easy to hide when it is bright, but difficult to prevent when it is dark. Looking at his discolored face, I seem to understand something.
A friend got married, drank too much at noon and took a nap at his house. It's almost half past five in the afternoon. I got up and told several other partners to go. As a result, those shrimps insisted on playing mahjong for a while after dinner.
I was very angry at that time: people are getting married today, so let's leave early and let them do what they should do. .
They: They are all young people, and what should be done has been done.
Me: What do you know? I mean counting money ... counting money. ......
Two couples are shopping, and a beautiful woman in a low-cut skirt comes face to face. Her husband kept staring, and his eyes stood out. His wife is about to get angry. Her husband turned around and said seriously, wife, if you wear this dress, you must be more attractive than her.
Wife: ......
My wife was not at home, so my sister-in-law brought me a cup of coffee. This is the background. Sister-in-law: There are good news and bad news. Which do you want to listen to first? Me: Good news, Sister-in-law: I just put Viagra in your coffee, which will last for an hour. Me: What's the bad news? Sister-in-law: Sister is not at home, so you have no money to spend. I have my period again.
6. A few days ago, my classmates got together and played a game. One person said I didn't do xx. If others drink it, they should drink it consciously. One of the girls who played first said, "I have never masturbated." The five boys on the table immediately silently picked up the glasses on the table. This is cruel.
7. I asked my husband just now, and there was a sentence that moved me. Husband: Daughter-in-law, in our family, you are my god! Me: Yes, can you move me more? ! Husband: I want to go to heaven! I
8. Go home with your boyfriend after work. I just walked to the flower bed in the community. A puppy climbed onto another puppy and did something shameful. At this time, the second-rate boyfriend posted it and said: wife! I can still pose for this dog! I decisively pointed to the dog and said, fuck you!
9. Going to take a shower, people around me asked me: How old are you? A dozen? I was glad to say that I was 27 years old. She was frightened: I don't like it! Looked me up and down several times, and he said, your chest hasn't developed well, so why are you 27!
10, my daughter has been feeling chest tightness and poor breathing recently. My mother was very worried, so she took me to see Chinese medicine. After listening to the doctor's grandfather, he asked me: Do you have obvious chest tightness during the day and feel nothing at night? As soon as I thought about it, I thought it was, and I answered yes. My mother quickly asked, what happened to the child? Grandpa dialed his glasses, looked up at me and said, the bra is small!
The funniest joke in history
1. Who in the world will suddenly get old?
Answer: the bride.
Because today is the bride, tomorrow is the wife.
2. How much is a heart worth?
Answer: 1 100 million. Because you are single-minded!
3. How much should I take when I go out in typhoon weather?
Answer: 40 million. Don't go out when the typhoon is sunny.
The exam is coming. What books can't I read?
Answer: Encyclopedia (all encyclopedias are lost).
If tomorrow is the end of the world, why should someone commit suicide today?
[Answer] Have a place in heaven.
6. Question: What are cloth and paper afraid of?
A: cloth is afraid of 10 thousand, paper is afraid of one thousand.
Reason: not (cloth) afraid of 10 thousand, just (paper) afraid of one thousand.
7. Question: What's the pencil's surname?
A: Xiao.
Reason: Sharpen (sharpen) the pencil.
8. Question: What will Kirin become when it arrives at the North Pole?
Answer: ice cream.
Reason: ice cream (iced unicorn).
9. Question: From 1 to 9, which number is the most diligent and which number is the laziest?
Answer: 1 lazy; 2 Diligence
Reason: One (1) does not do two (2) endlessly.
10. Question: How to make sparrows quiet?
Answer: Click.
Reason: Silence (silence).
Funny joke: junior's low-cut dress
1, I always have short hair when I go to school, and my eldest brother wears small clothes. On the way to school one day, I met two senior sisters and whispered that I was a boy or a girl, so I heard them. I turned around and gave them a white look, and as a result ... I stepped in the hole next to me ... Damn it, that was terrible!
2. The buddy said: Why do you study so hard? Me: Because I love my senior sister too much. The buddy said contemptuously: hey ... because of this! Me: You don't understand. My senior is a foodie. I'm afraid I can't afford her in the future.
I saw a girl say on the way to school: Beauty, you are a freshman! Sister paper back: No, I'm a junior. I said: Oh ... it turned out to be a senior. Just looking at your skin, I thought you just finished military training like me.
4. A girl in Grade Three is wearing low-cut clothes and standing on the roadside of school to sell books. Many people watch, but few people buy. I saw it and kindly reminded her: senior and junior, you are gone. Senior gave me a white look and said, if I hadn't left, all the people who bought books would have left.
5. It's graduation season again. There is a senior selling books at the school gate, which reads: one yuan each, buy books for the senior! I decided to choose a book, and then asked: where is the senior? The senior said with a smile: we will finish school at noon tomorrow, remember to send us! ! !
6. On the first night of freshman year last year, a beautiful senior girl in low-cut shorts came to sell patch panels. I only wore a pair of underwear in the dormitory. She knocked at the door and came in. She asked me if I wanted a patch panel. She introduced several patch panels, and I quickly bought one and closed the door. Shit, it's close, almost hard, and my senior is good or bad.
7. single dog's sister, with big breasts, is often teased by her senior sister ... On this day, she teased me in front of her tutor and other senior sisters. I can't stand it this time. I pretended to be naive and said, senior! I have had a boyfriend for so long, why are my breasts still spicy? Didn't your boyfriend rub it for you? Senior is blue in the face, hahaha!
8, LZ sister paper, going to school in the north, washing clothes with bite water, my sister came to me and saw it. When I left, I said, Sister, remember to wear TT and leave me alone. The key is the people in the bathroom.
Sister paper, can you make it clear? No, you embarrassed your sister!
Laugh off a good joke.
Laugh off a good joke.
1. Visiting a female colleague's new home, looking at the empty room, it feels like a vacuum! She put her hands over her chest and asked in surprise, "How do you know?
I took my girlfriend to my grandmother's house during the Spring Festival. My girlfriend 150cm, I 180cm. The next morning, it was foggy. I was holding my girlfriend and going home. My grandmother's eyes are not very good. She sat by the door and watched me go out. She said to me anxiously, Ming, where are you going with the box?
3. My height is 183cm and my weight is 72kg. I have thick eyebrows and short hair. I am the main force of the school basketball team. I have won several basketball championships and can cook. Why don't boys chase after such a good girl as me?
Today, the school conducted an escape training. I rushed to the playground first and shouted at Zhang Wuji, the founder of Zoroastrianism. If you believe me, jump down. I'll use Gankun to move and catch everyone. ..
5, go to a relative's house for dinner, surrounded by a big table! Drinking wine and eating vegetables, suddenly a bottle of beer exploded, and the whole table looked down at the dog next to it, and then they drank for a while. Third aunt said, why is there so much blood on the ground? Aunt said through the strength of wine that the dog's legs were fried! Relatives all over the world are clamoring for the dog's leg to burst, then driving the dog out and eating it. My aunt felt that her leg was not her own at all. When she looked down, her leg was bleeding.
6. The news said that a man was terminally ill when he was about to get married and decided to break up with his girlfriend in order not to suffer. My girlfriend not only disagrees, but also wants to get married soon. Seeing this, I was almost moved to tears. If my boyfriend is worth more than 100 million, I am cheated by the news again.
7. My buddy's mother died, and his father remarried even though his wife didn't pass May 7th. Then my buddy asked me to guess who I was going to marry. I said, how can I guess Answer, my son's mother-in-law. A moment later, I was shocked. Did this old man play a big game of chess a long time ago? Old man, have you thought about how your son, daughter-in-law and son feel?
8. Being single for a long time will really cause an accident. Eating out today, the proprietress has been urging her daughter to find someone. I think her daughter is pretty, and I think I'm going to make a scene in the future. I've been thinking about it, but when I checked out, I shouted, Mom, check out!
9. The teacher said that looking for a girlfriend of 80 kg is skinny, looking for a girlfriend of 100 kg is sexy, looking for a girlfriend of 120 kg is emotional, looking for a girlfriend of 140 kg is emotional, and looking for a girlfriend of 180 kg is humorous.
10, it's my first time to eat kiwi fruit, and my husband bought it. I asked, how much is a catty? Honey, this is three yuan and five pounds. I bite it open, well, it tastes good and I can't stop. . So I asked my husband to buy two kilograms when he came back from work every day, but I never saw him eat it. It was not until I visited the supermarket today that I found out, alas, this yellow heart costs more than 30 yuan a catty, Nima, moved!
1 1, hello, if you know the moderator, please contact me. I can't reach him now. I am the customer service in JD.COM. According to his request, we have repaired the female inflatable doll he returned and replaced it with (Uniqlo version). This is the second time to fix it for him! Warning again! Be gentle next time. After all, it's not made of steel. When it was sent back, the field staff cried!
12, just now a girl made me a fan, so I volunteered that you were the first girl to make me a fan. (There used to be 1 boy) In less than 10 second, my fan turned into another one! ! ! Sister, what did I say wrong? I can't correct it.
13, a mosquito flew to my bed. I calmly pulled the mosquito net and held a fan in one hand. As soon as I saw it stop, I immediately drove it away with a fan. A few hours later, the mosquito fell weakly on the quilt. I said to it, demo, keep flying, I haven't had enough fun yet.
14, before going to bed at night, she said, let's watch ghost movies together. I said, it's so late, go to sleep. She insisted that we watch ghost movies. She screamed with fear. Soon someone came to our door and shouted, don't make so much noise, will others sleep?
15, a sister lives downstairs and lost two bicycles in a week! She was so angry that she bought a bike worth 3000 yuan and put it downstairs. Then she squatted in the opposite grass with a brick ... In this way, after a night, the expensive bicycle remained in place, and her sister squatting in the grass never appeared again from that day on. ...
16, a freshman entered the school, and a beautiful girl in the senior class came face to face. . Man A, this beautiful woman is really nice. . Male B, yes, but it's a pity that I will graduate soon. . Woman A, she is really beautiful. . Woman b, it's okay. The graduating class will be over soon.
17. At school, a buddy in the class liked the sister paper of a foreign teacher class, but the sister paper didn't like him. At ordinary times, that buddy deliberately created a campus encounter and took the initiative to greet her, but she ignored it. Every time, the very kind girlfriend next to me responded in one breath. Over time, the buddy finally caught up with her girlfriend. .
18, it's too hot, over 30 degrees! An uncle in the street was knocked down by a turning vehicle, and the driver was frightened, but the uncle got up without saying anything. The onlookers talked about "My uncle is a good man", "My uncle's quality is really high, and I am not wrong about others" and "My uncle is in good health"! Grandpa has medical insurance! Grandpa said, "Don't fucking blind bb!" Why don't you sit down and try, old man? Your ass is on fire!
19, during the evening self-study, everyone was reading, and the teacher was correcting homework on the platform. The whole classroom was silent. Suddenly, a boy got up and walked around the classroom, and everyone froze. Then he went back to his seat and fell asleep ~ he was sleepwalking ~.
20. There is a girl in the neighbor's house. She looks sweet in junior high school, but her personality is domineering. Fighting is a common occurrence. This morning, she said to her father, Dad, you can walk sideways when you go out and see who dares to provoke you. The girl is a little cotton-padded jacket, and I am your bulletproof vest. From then on, in her father's mind, the image of a man can no longer be shaken!
2 1, my friend pointed to the scenery on 100 RMB and asked me, have you been here? I have been to the Great Hall of the People? My friend took out 20? I, um, he took out the 1 yuan paper ticket and has been here? Me: West Lake in Hangzhou. He took out a coin and pointed at the chrysanthemum. He said, you must have been here.
22. Chatting with a female colleague at work. She said that her family just bought a new car, and her husband's novice driver was a little nervous. Every time she reminds him: slow down, slow down! . I took it and said, that's just the beginning After a while, you will say, honey, come on, come on, come on, come on! ! ! ! ! ! Suddenly found that there seems to be something wrong with the eyes of female colleagues.
23. I went swimming in Jialing River yesterday. When I swam about 80 meters offshore, I had a whim to try how long I could float on the water before sinking. I was floating when my arm suddenly hurt. I don't know what dragged me to the shore. I was scared and thought it was a water monkey. I kept calling for help, but there was laughter everywhere. When I got to the shore, I found that a big golden retriever was dragging me.
24. Working in the warehouse early in the morning, I passed an uncle who sold paper money from the warehouse door. Curious, I asked the uncle why he didn't sell flowers and paper money on Valentine's Day. Grandpa said, who doesn't have a few dead ex-boyfriends Looking at the back of my uncle's departure, I think I must sell paper money in the coming year. Recruit partners
25. People who bathe in my heart are no different from surgeons. They were all lying on the table, naked and brightly lit, but one picked up the scalpel and the other picked up the towel.
26. I just passed an abandoned factory building. Maybe there is no one in the sun at noon. I'm so bored. I kicked off a pebble and fell into the grass. Then I heard ouch, it hurts me! . . . Who is so wicked? Isn't this where I shit? Do I need to put down my hidden weapon? The landlord is busy looking for the sound source, ah! An uncle stood up with his trousers in his hand.
27. My sister bought a new house and the whole family went to warm the pot. My sister stewed a freshwater fish, but my niece tasted it and said it was tasteless. I said, this is freshwater fish.
28. My husband told his three-year-old daughter not to give her snacks, so he told her the story of Kong Rong letting pears. My husband proudly told me how sensible my daughter is. I asked my daughter which one do you want, two watermelons, one large and one small. My daughter said she wanted a small one and was about to praise her. As a result, she talked for a long time, and I couldn't hold the big one.
29. I met a female hooligan on the bus today, which made me very angry. There were many people in the car at that time. She stood behind me. Every time someone moves in the car, she rubs her chest on my back. After some ideological struggle, I decided to warn her, but then I found that I had been sitting for several times. . .
30. A good friend ran away from marriage. Leave me a letter. You're right. Marriage is probably just a melon you spent a lot of money on. Nothing can save money more than a secret love.
3 1, I was angry when I watched the news. The news said that Japan would introduce five Osprey transport planes to the United States. At that time, I swore at it. I'm doing nothing all fucking day, taking this place and that place every day, and still making a fucking movie?
32. A friend went to a Thai hotel for dinner, and the waiters he met after entering the door folded their hands and said a welcome word in Sawadika Thai. When serving food, a young man folded his hands and bent down when he was going out, and then talked for a long time. I guess he forgot to say a word, and everyone who saw our room was looking at him. The young man blushed, and it took him a long time to sob and say Amitabha.
33. My brother-in-law wants to eat dried turtle, and my sister made a bag in the restaurant for my mother to eat. My mother wouldn't eat it and asked her how disgusting it was. She said, fuck the whip, that whip is disgusting
34. Just playing with my mobile phone on the roadside, a three-or four-year-old girl told me that I was going there (just four words) and immediately fooled me. Later, I learned that because there were many cars and motorcycles on the road, she wanted me to take her hand and walk her across the road. Children nowadays are all villains. Do I look like a good person?
35. There is an old man who worships Guan Yu and burns incense every day. Then one day something happened to his son. The old man was angry and said that you couldn't even keep my son. What's the use of fucking worshipping you? At this time, Guan Yu quickly said that your son ran away on a motorcycle 100 miles. My red hare ran 90 miles at most, and I can't even catch up with him.
36, junior high school registration, my dad gave it to me. He asked me to look at my luggage, and he went to see which flight I was assigned to. After a long time, sweaty people came to me and said, why isn't your name? Did you fail the exam? I was shocked and went to see it. The first one is my name, and then I pointed to him and said, isn't this me? Dad looked at me carefully and then at me, so that's your name!
37./kloc-When he was 0/4 years old, he started a business without going to junior high school. Now my company has tens of millions of assets. My home is a multi-storey luxury villa, a Porsche, a Lamborghini and a Maserati. I'm not showing off my wealth here. I just want to tell you that I can have another bottle of Erguotou to continue blowing.
38. I remember that on Valentine's Day, my wife insisted that I send her flowers. I asked, honey, what flowers do you want? I like what you gave to my wife and children! Me, here you are! Leek flower!
There is an ugly girl in our class. One day, two shrews discussed the similarities between this ugly girl and Ruhua. When the ugly girl heard this, she came up and asked. Then they said it was as beautiful as flowers and jade, and then the ugly girl believed it.
40. A couple quarreled, and I was shocked by what my sister paper said. Sister paper said to the man, your recognition of me will never come true, just like I fucked your father.
4 1, hello, if you know the moderator, please contact me. I can't reach him now. I am the customer service in JD.COM. We have repaired the female inflatable doll he returned and replaced it with (Uniqlo version) according to his request. This is the second time to fix it for him! Warning again! Be gentle next time. After all, it's not made of steel. When it was sent back, the field staff cried!
42. A girl was tricked into being a daughter-in-law in the mountains by a bad guy. The girl told her husband many facts. Finally, the girl said, twisted melon is not sweet. . . The husband thought about it and said, you are right, but I like bitter gourd! ! ! Then the girl collapsed.
43. Ask your roommate (female) how old are you? My roommate gave me a shy look and asked, why? Why can't I ask my roommate to smile at me with a touch of shyness? I specifically asked my age. You think too much about Sao nian.
44. I bathed my 5-year-old brother yesterday and put a boat on it. My brother said innocently, tell the captain that a pirate ship is coming. My brother changed his voice and said, "Fire the torpedo." I thought, "Where did you get the torpedo?" Then I heard a poof, "pa ~ ~", and several bubbles appeared underwater.
45, an uncle came out after watching the Smurfs. . Reporter, do you think the new version is good? Uncle, what's the difference between a good-looking reporter and an old edition? Uncle, at that time, my family had a black-and-white TV, but I couldn't tell it was blue.
The classic phrase of laughing off one's teeth
1, I once threw a brick, but I did.
I admire myself so much that sometimes I kowtow to myself when I look in the mirror!
Some people believe in fate, others don't. This is not surprising, but the difference is that most people who believe in fate are mediocre, while those who don't believe in fate often achieve something.
4. You go, I won't stay; Come back, I won't take you in!
5, the setbacks encountered in feelings are all on themselves, simply saying: I have no talent for love.
6. The departure of leaves is not the pursuit of the wind, nor the retention of trees, but the arrangement of fate and natural selection; What should come will always come, and what should go will always go. Sometimes leaving doesn't mean ending, but-another kind of beginning.
7. For people with impotence, premature ejaculation is just a luxury.
8. I know there are many people who like you, and there is no shortage of me. But I like very few people, except you.
9. Don't torture yourself with past memories.
10, this society is cruel. When you make a mistake, no one will tell you, but will repair you secretly. As long as you don't find out, you will suffer for a generation. ...
1 1. People who understand you don't need to explain. People who don't understand you are not worth explaining. Ignore those unimportant comments and go your own way.
12. When I woke up, I felt like double-sided tape and accidentally stuck it.
13, there is no doubt that there is no road, all the way is comparable to all the way.
14. When I am free at night, I like to go out for a walk alone. I walked alone at night, looking at the long shadows under the street lamps, and I felt so lonely.
15, although I can't help all beings, I can harm all.
16. When I saw the food in the canteen, I felt that I had wronged myself if I ate it, and I suffered myself if I didn't eat it.
17, the story begins: "I will give you happiness." At the end of the story: "I wish you happiness."
18, if marriage is the grave of love, then-blind date means looking at feng shui to give the grave, confession means digging the grave, marriage means double suicide, empathy means moving the grave, and a third party means robbing the grave.
19, sometimes a woman makes trouble with you unreasonably, basically because she loves you.
20. If you can't be a father, don't get your woman pregnant.
2 1, the country depends on guns, the people rely on money, and men and women rely on sleep.
22, what do you want to eat in this weather, take it out to dry ~ ~
23. The children of the poor are the early masters, and the children of the rich are the early officials. Talking about mood phrases
24. You are safe in the world without me, and I pretend to be strong in the world without you.
25. QQ seems to wait for someone, but you are speechless. ...
26. Xiao San, is the man holding me in your hand very proud? I politely tell you that what you have is what I have left.
27. English songs listen to rhythm, while Chinese songs listen to artistic conception.
28. Before talking about friends, I first asked others if they had any friends. Now you have to ask others if they are gay.
Thank you for your rudeness, which made me learn to give up.
30. Before I entered your space, I was still considering whether to delete the visit record. When I got in, I found I couldn't get in at all.
3 1, this era can love fools, not nerds. Because a fool may be a genius in some way, but a nerd is definitely a fool.
32. Life is so fucking interesting, because life always fucking plays with me.
Be a pig in the next life, even if you are killed.
At the entrance of every university, hotels and Internet cafes are the most popular. Gao Fushuai goes to the hotel at night, and Diaosi goes to the Internet cafe at night. Come out at the same time in the morning, all propped up. The difference is that one is doing and the other is sitting. ...