Recently, the variety show with high frequency of discussion in the circle of friends is Goodbye Lovers, which is a rare star divorce show in China. Three couples or ex-couples were invited, all of whom had or were having a problematic marriage relationship. One is divorced, actor Z Ryan and actor Guo Keyu, married 10 year, divorced 1 year; One is in the cooling-off period of divorce. Screenwriter Wang Qiuyu and singer Zhu Yaqiong fell in love 19, married for 6 years, and separated 1 year. The program was recorded in the cooling-off period of divorce. Another couple, actress KK Weiwei and model Tong Chenjie, have been married for seven years.
Although we often say that happy families are all similar, each unhappy family has its own misfortune; But judging from these three groups of problematic marriages, the disintegration of marriage actually has a common reason: dominant masculinity. How the dominant male chauvinism penetrates into marriage, while subtly shaping men, hurting women, hurting marriage and hurting men themselves. Goodbye lover provides us with a good reference.
Stills of Goodbye Lover.
Three problem marriage samples
Z Ryan and Guo Keyu, both actors, gave everyone the impression at first that they divorced because their previous marriage had no love and their living habits were totally out of line.
However, after 18 days' travel, careful viewers will find that the "secrets" disclosed by the former couple in the program are the least, and more are inadvertently revealed. The so-called no love, different living habits, is more like an "excuse" or "rhetoric" that is easier to explain to the audience. Their lack of love and communication after marriage stems from their "disappointment" with Guo Keyu, especially Z Ryan. The question is, is Z Ryan's "disappointment" reasonable?
Although some spectators were knocked down by the occasional release of "sugar" between Z Ryan and Guo Keyu, Z Ryan expected Guo Keyu's invisibility most among the three groups. He hopes that Guo Keyu is an artist-Guo Keyu is indeed a film queen, which is in line with what Z Ryan mentioned to others many times in the program.
He also hopes that Guo Keyu will be a "good wife and mother"-"good mother" exists, but "good wife" is not enough. When Z Ryan complained, he mentioned a small detail. He likes to be scratched on his back when he is asleep, but Guo Keyu scratched himself and fell asleep. Zhang He said, "I asked her to scratch her back, which means I want you to scratch me to sleep. She caught me twice, and then fell asleep ... this is the concern between husband and wife (no). " Scratching the back is something that many children have asked their parents to do. Z Ryan asked his partner to do it, and the partner fell asleep first. He accused him of not caring enough about him.
Scratching your back makes sense.
Guo Keyu said that her way of expressing her love was to ask him when the plane would take off. Zhang He suddenly looked disdainful. He didn't expect this to be a romantic sentence, and he spit out, "I guess this wonderful work is all her." But in fact, if he is free, he will pick up Zhang He and think about when to prepare dinner. Zhang He immediately "mended the knife": You can't cook either. My aunt made it. It can be seen that Guo Keyu's daily care and dedication to Z Ryan and his family has not been recognized by Z Ryan.
Of course, more importantly, the worship that Zhang He hopes to get. At the beginning of the program, he asked two other male guests: Why is Guo Keyu happy with his friends, but silent in front of them? He asked Guo Keyu why he didn't praise him. In the last 36 questions, he even said bluntly: Why is there an arrogance in Guo Keyu's heart that seems to look down on him?
What Z Ryan wants is for Guo Keyu to say "Z Ryan, that's great". Z Ryan hopes to be her "fan sister" too. Guo Keyu hit the nail on the head and replied, "You should find such a chick."
Zhang He needs worship.
In a word, the root of this group of divorced couples is: Z Ryan wants to be an artist, a good wife and mother, or a little girl, who will tell him romantic words, or even better, who can cook. Guo Keyu didn't finish everything, or he didn't want to do it. After a long time, the relationship is divided.
As soon as Wang Qiuyu and Zhu Yaqiong appeared, Wang Qiuyu was scolded by the audience. But frankly speaking, the whole season shows that Zhu Yaqiong once loved Wang Qiuyu deeply and Wang Qiuyu also loved Zhu Yaqiong deeply, but their love was "abnormal". Wang Qiuyu's love is an all-encompassing love. He helped Zhu Yaqiong deal with big and small things, and once tolerated Zhu Yaqiong's small willfulness and temper, and all kinds of sudden self-release (for example, he moved because he disturbed his neighbors by singing).
But Wang Qiuyu's love also has a strong control. He asked Zhu Yaqiong to be a little girl who always depended on him, so he almost never let Zhu Yaqiong undertake anything independently-he thought that Zhu Yaqiong would not, and Wang Qiuyu often denied Zhu Yaqiong in various ways: You can't, no one wants you when you look for a job like this, only I can stand you.
Moreover, on the one hand, Wang Qiuyu likes Zhu Yaqiong's growth and happiness, on the other hand, she asks Zhu Yaqiong to be "sensible" when she is not needed. For example, when he is busy with his work, Zhu Yaqiong must not disturb him, otherwise Wang Qiuyu will be angry with her, and even a few seconds of hugs can't satisfy her. Wang Qiuyu was tired of the sense of ceremony and everything, so Zhu Yaqiong didn't take wedding photos or hold a wedding.
Wang Qiuyu believes that Zhu Yaqiong has no "big picture"
However, it is impossible for a "child" to "come at once". When Zhu Yaqiong has a "childish temper" or she gradually realizes the problem and wants to get rid of it, their marriage is on the verge.
KK Wei Wei and Tong Chenjie, the couple, although KK Wei Wei left many moments full of spiteful value for the audience, frankly speaking, this unmarried couple is indeed the least problematic among the three groups. They are all enthusiastic people, hoping that life and love will be hot. They are good at expressing, giving love and eager to be loved. They enjoy the happiness of loving and being loved, and they are also people who can meet each other's needs for love and being loved.
Guo Keyu "spits" the sweetness of KK Wei Wei and Tong Chenjie.
The problem of these couples is not the core emotional interaction in intimate relationship, but the consideration of whether to have children. On weekdays, both of them are laughing and interacting sweetly, just like a "wife's romantic trip". Once the core issues are involved, the atmosphere becomes tense and serious. KK Weiwei has always wanted a child, but he has always had the habit of drinking. Tong Chenjie herself thinks KK Weiwei is like a child, and she doesn't want to go with her two "children" in the future.
Dominant masculinity permeates marriage.
On the surface, these three groups of relationships have their own problems, but after careful study, they are all dominated by male chauvinism.
As many people know, gender is not born, but acquired. In his book Masculinity, the sexologist Raewyn Connell pointed out that three interacting levels constitute a new gender order, that is, the power relationship between men and women, which mainly involves power relationship (the position of men on the main axis of power relationship and the subordinate position of women), production relationship (the way of gender division and distribution of work in the labor market) and emotional relationship (the way of attachment and connection between people). According to the difference of male control, masculinity can be divided into four types: dominant, subordinate, heart-shaped and marginal.
Among them, dominant masculinity has the most far-reaching influence on the majority of men, and it is also what the majority of men are most eager to have. This is an "ideal" masculinity. Specifically, the dominant masculinity in power relations, men have a position in life, such as men controlling enterprises and media; In terms of labor relations, men have better jobs, higher incomes and the right to dispose of wealth. In emotional relationships, men need women to show vulnerability, attachment and obedience, and women are not allowed to be independent and equal. Cornell believes that "masculinity is actually the most expressive form of power", and masculine people also hold sexual power in the relationship between men and women.
The three groups of relationships in Goodbye Lovers have some similarities, which more or less reflect the influence of dominant masculinity.
First, "men are outside, women are inside". Even if women have activities, they still have to be "inside".
It is worth explaining in advance that this does not mean that these three women have no "jobs" at all. For example, although Guo Keyu has never acted in a play, he is already engaged in a band; Zhu Yaqiong also starred in musicals and established a company in cooperation with Wang Qiuyu; Tong Chenjie is still on the catwalk, making occasional guest appearances.
But compared with the three, their married career is relatively "silent", and they are also people who put more energy into family life. In other words, marriage actually affected the careers of three women to some extent.
For example, although Guo Keyu is the winner and has higher acting talent than Z Ryan, Guo Keyu is "at home". Guo Keyu mentioned many times that his career broke down in 10, which was somewhat difficult.
Guo Keyu has some difficulties.
Wang Qiuyu's performance is even more obvious. Zhu Yaqiong is basically his caged bird. But Zhu Yaqiong did a good job before she got married. After graduating in 2004, she went to work in China Geo University. Later, in 2006, she joined Super Girl and signed contracts with Tianyu, Huayi and other big companies. After being with Wang Qiuyu, she slowly returned to the role of "the man is the master and the woman is the master".
In the relationship between Tong Chenjie and KK Weiwei, KK Weiwei also mentioned that she usually works hard outside, and he bears most of the expenses at home, while Tong Chenjie is at home, shopping with friends, having afternoon tea and exercising.
Of course, it is possible that "the man is the master and the woman is the master" is a division of labor between husband and wife, but it is not all spontaneous, and women may be forced to return to the family. For example, Z Ryan himself said to Guo Keyu, "I'm sorry I didn't let you do what you like for ten years."
Interestingly, even though they worked hard, the three men did not question or complain about the "male master" itself. Because the dominant patriarchal system is the division of labor between men and women, that is, men go out to work hard and are in a dominant position in society; A woman's duty is to teach her husband and children to have children, "concentrate on spinning achievements and don't laugh." "Outside the Lord" is a man's prestige. Therefore, even though all three men's wives have jobs, they are hardly mentioned in the program. Perhaps it is "ignored" in their eyes, and KK Weiwei will think that Tong Chenjie is shopping at home for afternoon tea.
Secondly, the division of labor between men and women is definitely not free, which will inevitably bring demands to women. The most basic requirement is to be a good wife and mother and have children.
Therefore, the three men's dissatisfaction with the woman is more or less due to their deviation from this scale. Zhang He thinks that Guo Keyu is not virtuous enough, Wang Qiuyu thinks that Zhu Yaqiong is not "sensible", and the contradiction between KK Wei Wei and Tong Chenjie on this issue is "heated".
For example, KK Weiwei has a famous crooked theory: "On the surface, it seems that she is taking care of me, but in fact, I am trying to get her to take care of me. For example, I never cook at home. Why? It's not that I can't cook. What will she do if I cook? She has nothing to do, she has no achievements. " In other words, KK Weiwei believes that he asked Tong Chenjie to cook in order to give Tong Chenjie a chance to be a "good wife". Only when she becomes a "good wife" will she feel a sense of accomplishment.
A "good wife" has become a kind of "good wife"
KK Wei Wei and Tong Chenjie are the only children in the three groups. This is obviously intolerable by the dominant masculinity. The reason why Tong Chenjie doesn't want children at present is clear. On the contrary, KK Weiwei just needs a child to prove the value of his existence. A child needs to confirm his relationship with the world. In KK Wei Wei's words, "This thing is more like a stamp, and you are my KK Wei Wei's son".
KK Weiwei needs a child to prove her worth.
In fact, this is a "family line" under the background of the new era. There is a child to inherit his power, status, property and surname, so that he and the world can continue. The instrumentality of female fertility has not changed.
Third, the husband does not allow his wife to challenge the authority of the man, and the woman must not harm the "dignity" of the man.
This, Wang Qiuyu need not say more. As mentioned earlier, Zhang He is definitely not without requirements for Guo Keyu. It is Guo Keyu's indifferent character. She thought that the play would spill dog blood from the beginning, so she consciously didn't tear it. However, contradictions gradually emerged, and Zhang He always hoped to get Guo Keyu's approval. He hoped that Guo Keyu was "narrow-minded" and admired him.
Z Ryan seldom gets angry on the show, but in the last 36 questions, when asked what attracted you at first, she said: You didn't. After that, I said something like high nose and high nose. Zhang He's face changed suddenly and he looked serious, thinking that he was very sad. Guo Keyu said that she was just Doby Z Ryan and liked watching him do it. Zhang He is even more angry. He doesn't like Guo Keyu joking when he is serious.
Guo Keyu's banter angered Zhang He because it offended the authority of a dominant male and imitated Guo Keyu's banter about his self-esteem. Or, does Guo Keyu really think that Z Ryan has no "characteristics" that attract him, and she can only point out this cruel fact half-truths?
From the details of Guo Keyu's speech, we can't see that Z Ryan cares too much about his family or his wife and children: for example, before the Spring Festival, Guo Keyu visited classes and did all kinds of housework, but Z Ryan disagreed; Zhang He was not around when she was ill; She reminded Zhang He that her son loved him very much and wanted to spend more time with him. After the divorce, Zhang He lived in the original house and moved. He had to be busy with his son's transfer ... Guo Keyu's "master" didn't really get Zhang He's respect and recognition. Maybe Guo Keyu didn't want to flatter Zhang He to protect his "face".
Guo Keyu's contribution was ignored.
KK Weiwei loves Tong Chenjie deeply, but he is a face-saving person. As long as Tong Chenjie "disobeys" him in public, such as criticizing him for drinking or not letting him play in public, he will feel that Tong Chenjie is "playing with him" and "you have destroyed me, my confidence and my dignity". So on the wedding day, because Tong Chenjie won't let him play any more, he can play and disappear on the wedding night; Because Tong Chenjie pointed out that he was drinking in public and delayed a director, he left the meeting and had a cold war with Tong Chenjie.
Tong Chenjie publicly criticized KK Wei Wei for drinking. He thought, "You ruined me."
It's interesting to take the initiative in Tong Chenjie, thinking of being humiliated in front of peers. KK Weiwei immediately smiled and took out the Children's Day gift that Tong Chenjie gave him to show off to Z Ryan. It was hard to hide her pride: Tong Chenjie apologized to me and Tong Chenjie gave me a gift.
This can't help but remind people of Ueno's words: there is a trinity relationship between men and women in East Asia. "Men can't get a woman's return and become men. Only after being recognized as a full member in the male group can a man become a man. Women are just rewards after joining their qualifications or becoming members. "
Male identity is recognized among male groups; If he wants to be a "real man" in the eyes of other men, he needs to turn women into others.
KK Weiwei showed off his wife's initiative to "admit her mistake" to other men.
Three men unconsciously ask women to obey their authority and face and show worship, which in itself is a kind of misogyny. Although this word sounds a bit heavy, it actually looks down on women. A series of problems in marriage also arise from this.
Dominant masculinity suppresses men.
The dominant male chauvinism hurts not only women, but also men themselves. When the dominant masculinity becomes the ideal masculinity, if a man can't meet his expectations, the outside world will discriminate and laugh at him, and he may feel inferior and miserable. As Li Yinhe said: "According to the rules of male chauvinism, men must work to earn money to support their families, and they are under great pressure of survival and competition;" Men can't show their inner tender and fragile side and are suppressed in the development of personality; Because of women, men also lost the experience of living in an environment of equality between men and women. "
For example, the audience can intuitively find that these three men are more obsessed and stressed about "career success" than women.
When asked what to do with the remaining money in the last year, Z Ryan said that he would work hard to make money and then leave more money for his children. After all, he is an only child now. All Wang Qiuyu can think about is his job and his son. KK Weiwei wants all Shanghainese to know that Tong Chenjie is doing well. Ni Ping was there. After listening, she asked, "Are you in Shanghai?" ……
I think so, but men feel they have this mission.
It is no accident that all three men have similar reactions. This is because the dominant masculinity attracts men to succeed in their careers and compete constantly. Even if they become working machines, they will become pillars and people. In fact, the pursuit of career is not necessarily a bad thing, but all three men unconsciously regard it as a task, as a man's "mission" and "medal", and invisibly frame their lives in a very cramped space, losing other possibilities for exploring life. At the same time, they will regard their investment and efforts in their careers as dedication and sacrifice to women and ask women to give more feedback.
Another serious harm of dominant male chauvinism to men is that they show some narrowness or "incompetence" in intimate relationships. They are afraid to show their fragile and soft side, and it is difficult for them to enjoy the intimate relationship that men are dominated by women or cannot be nourished. If it is more extreme, they will go to "love incompetence"-they think they love very much, but they don't know love at all.
This is particularly evident in Wang Qiuyu. He thinks the sense of ceremony is ridiculous, and his emotional needs are melodramatic, because when his family brought him up as an "ideal" man, he conveyed the belief that the sense of ceremony and other things are worthless and his feelings are empty. He is the victim of a strong man. He doesn't love himself. He is indifferent to his own needs. How can he know how to love another woman?
Huang Zhizhong said of Wang Qiuyu.
For Z Ryan, he has his pride as well as his self-esteem, and because of this self-esteem, he can't show fragility, gentleness and sweetness in front of Guo Keyu. Guo Keyu mentioned an example. Did she ask Zhang He if he loved her? As a result, Z Ryan sarcastically said, Why do you ask these questions? You feel bored, and I feel melodramatic after marriage. That's why Guo Keyu said that what she didn't feel in 10 marriage was discovered from Z Ryan on 18. This also seems to imply that Z Ryan's tenderness and care for Guo Keyu in front of the camera is not the true face of their previous marriage.
Move towards new possibilities
Perhaps my conclusion will surprise many people: among the three groups of relationships, the new possibility of intimacy is KK Weiwei and Tong Chenjie (of course, due to limited choices, we can only choose the best). Although KK Wei Wei has contributed a lot of speechless "famous scenes" in the program, I also agree with your friend's "giant baby" and so on; But among these three people, KK Wei Wei is relatively easy to "save" (only relatively speaking). To paraphrase Tong Chenjie in his diary, it is possible to "expect success".
KK Wei Wei has many bad habits, but he didn't find them. He is also a man who is willing to show weakness and is mainly intimate. Giving love also expresses his desire for his wife's love. When he is weak and uncomfortable, he will express his needs to her. When Z Ryan and Wang Qiuyu said that they expressed their love by actions rather than words, KK Wei Wei seriously corrected them: "Language is very important. Many times, without communication and expression, there is no way to solve the problem ... sometimes I have to express what I feel uncomfortable; If it's good, you have to express it. You must tell each other, I am very happy. I am very satisfied with the meal you cooked for me today. I must encourage each other. "
KK Wei Wei has both dominant masculinity and broken side. For example, KK Weiwei teaches Tong Chenjie to ride a bike, while KK Weiwei is gentle, patient and always encourages him. This is the moment of love and being loved in intimate relationships. It seems simple, but frankly, many men have not done it. KK Wei Wei broke his obsession that giving birth is a "mark". Don't die for so-called face, and don't drink too much. He may be an ideal partner.
Tong Chenjie is already an ideal partner. However, some viewers are indignant, because Tong Chenjie is always active and thinks that Tong Chenjie is a "giant of thought and a dwarf of action". In their imagination, Tong Chenjie should kick her melodramatic husband away, just like a female drama, and women should not show their attachment to men and desire to be loved. In particular, Tong Chenjie's idea of "expecting success" was strongly criticized by them, thinking that she pinned her hopes on men, and "giant baby" was her usual trick.
This concept is a bit narrow, and it is also "on the line." From the dominant masculinity to the other extreme, isn't it the dominant femininity? Those who equate women's rights with "female drama" ignore the real complexity of intimate relationships. An independent woman does not mean that she can only be loved. If she takes the initiative to love, she will not be independent, or she will be weak, mainly and compromise, and she will not be independent. Tong Chenjie knows better than anyone what he wants. She has the initiative in this marriage, and life and death are up to her. She can also bear the consequences of KK Weiwei's departure. When KK Weiwei valued her instead of leaving her to have a baby, she was willing to give up. It is mainly effective for KK Weiwei, which is the most effective way to calm her emotions and a choice to maximize her interests. Since the other party has the love nutrients she needs, she will not really break up with the other party because of this little dispute. The Cold War will make her feel uncomfortable. Why waste time and energy on this matter? If a man wants a step, give him a step. He's fresh. He's fresh. Isn't this a kind of wisdom to manage marriage?
Tong Chenjie is very clear that she has her own insistence on the issue of principle; She doesn't think that women's attachment and need to men is a shameful thing, and she doesn't regard men's weakness as a lack of masculinity. This is a peaceful and active feminist, down-to-earth, satisfying herself and not going to extremes. If you can really "expect your husband to succeed", then women will not lose anything, but will gain a happier relationship; Husband can't be a dragon, just part of it. The key point is that before this, the needs of women and the needs of being loved have been fully met.
Editor in Charge: Zhu Fan
Proofreading: Zhang Yan
The above is a question about whether the marriage of the male tiger and the female rabbit is good or not, and it is about Tong Chenjie's sharing. I hope this can help everyone who has seen how many marriages a man, a tiger and a woman have!